Advice on moving in with a SO

[Anne_Neville]

@tdn

My way of making ice was to empty the tray into the bucket, then filling the tray so that more water could freeze while I was enjoying my tasty beverage. Her way was to take individual cubes out as needed. When they were empty, hey, no more ice. What are you going to do? As I worked and she didn’t, she’d spend all day using up ice cubes, and when I got home, there was nothing.

That was kind of a bad thing, but any reasonable couple can work it out, right? Nope. I said she was not thinking things through, she laughed at me and called me anal. It was a constant source of friction between us.

There are good and bad ways to discuss situations like this. Making an accusation like “you aren’t thinking things through” is not generally a good start to that sort of discussion. Accusing her of being selfish or unreasonable isn’t a good start, either. Even if you really think she is being thoughtless or selfish or unreasonable, it’s not a good idea to say so, even if all your relatives and everybody on the internet says she is. The point isn’t to “win” the argument or get her to adopt your superior method of ice-making- the point is to reach a mutually acceptable solution to the problem of “when I come home, there is no ice for me to put in my drink”.

If you do start the discussion with accusations of selfishness and thoughtlessness, something that could have been solved by buying a couple of $2 ice trays or by politely asking her to please refill the ice tray at a certain time before you come home can become a major bone of contention in the relationship. It can devolve into “you’re trying to control me”, “you think you’re so much smarter than me”, “you don’t respect me”, “you’re irresponsible”, and all sorts of stuff like that. An argument like that is like global thermonuclear war- the only way to win is not to play the game.

[Mahna_Mahna]

@TLDRIDKJKLOLFTW

Moving in together is a “shit or get off the pot” moment whether you realize it or not. It is and should be a direct step toward getting married; if it’s not, you’ll find that it destroys your relationship rather quickly.

…or, if you’re not the marrying types, just make sure that you’re both on the same page about where the relationship is going - be it marriage or a “domestic partnership” or a pinkie swear to heart each other forever.

The Boy and I might get married. Eventually… someday… if we feel like it… maybe. Call us post-traditional, call us lazy, we’re pretty damn happy with this arrangement and figure that a shared mortgage is a greater commitment than any marriage certificate could ever be.

BUT… before we decided to move in together, we made sure that both of us felt exactly the same way about the topic, so that no one would start to feel unhappy that we weren’t “taking the next step” within a set timeline.

I wish I’d had the foresight to do the same with the first BF I moved in with, a long long time ago… we eventually broke up because he seemed to believe that I was itching to get married and it seemed to be what a lot of people around us were expecting in the very near future, while I wasn’t in any rush to get hitched at all (in fact, I’d probably have asked for a loooooong engagement, had he proposed). Problem is, neither of us ever put that into words until it was much too late.

[TheMerchandise]

@Misnomer

Bullshit. Marriage is not the only alternative to breaking up: living together can be a perfectly acceptable end unto itself.

Seconded. Relationships aren’t a ladder. You don’t have to climb X many rungs by Y time for it to be successful.

Antigen, I moved into my boyfriend’s place as well. The first thing we did was rearrange his rooms. Sure, it was still all the same stuff, but it felt drastically different. But the idea of incorporating little touches of “your” stuff into “his” stuff is a good one.

[Viridiana]

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for about 2 years now; moved out of my family home to do so and never looked back (even though it’s a 5 minute drive away). The freedom and comfort are wonderful, as is the feeling of ‘adulthood’.

One important thing is to make sure communication is open at all times, especially about finances. I respectfully disagree about the not-getting-a-joint-account thing; they do make things convenient so that when a bill comes up, one person can pay it right away without waiting (and perhaps forgetting) to consult or remind the other person, they’re easy to open and close, and they basically keep us from getting into each other’s finances, in my experience. I opened a joint bill-paying account with my boyfriend which we both transfer a set amount into each month (it would be half/half, but I fronted move-in and furniture expenses so he’s paying me back gradually by depositing more each month. When he’s paid off, we’ll adjust the amount) for rent, utilities and groceries. This cuts down pretty much all fuss and muss having to do with paying for stuff, just make sure you both know what’s being paid for (like, whether the fancy dinner last week was a treat or not) and there’s enough money in there. Long as there is, we don’t have to care or inquire about how the other person is financially, and it doesn’t really come up.
Talk about decor and house purchases together, even if one of you seems more interested in it than the other. Same with any issues either of you have with privacy, pets, noise, clean-up and responsibilities. It helps if you’ve both had occasion to see how the other really lives, and of course if you’re comfortable enough with each other not to get too embarrassed about stuff (like changing, smelly bathrooms or whatever).

It can be really fun and wonderful, but takes at least a bit of work to go smoothly, as said.

[Audrey_Levins]

@Antigen

And also on how to feel like it’s “our” place, since it’s definitely his turf to begin with. Any advice on that bit?

I just did this five months ago. Moved into his apartment.

Granted, it was a classic bachelor pad–huge TV, two sofas, a large bed and another TV in the bedroom–and that was about it. So it’s not like he had “made the place his own” with interior design.

But I didn’t feel like I lived there until I put up my artwork.

I am a photographer, hobby artist, and an ex-custom-framer. So I have more than the average amount of artwork, and that was his biggest fear. He was afraid it would take over. “We don’t have to hang ALL of it.”

But when we actually got around to hanging all of it one afternoon, he was like, “That’s it??”

He loves it. As he also loves my big huge rug, end tables, lamps, bookshelves, bar, striped kitchen towels…all the stuff that make a barren apartment look like a home. He told his friends, “Wait til you see the place!”

But he wasn’t nearly as certain when I moved in.

And I didn’t feel like I lived there til I’d made an impact on the space.

So I’d recommend making an impact on the space to make it feel like yours–whether that’s artwork or your bookshelves or your sculpture of the Sphinx–but be thoughtful enough to ask him his opinions on where it should go and how it should be displayed, etc.

That way you’re being respectful of what used to be just HIS space, and also making it into “our space.”

Good luck with it! We’re doing great so far; I’m tidier than I used to be and he isn’t as OCD, and we love each other enough to overlook the little shit.

[elbows]

A joint account is not necessarily a bad thing. You both keep all your current saving accounts as they are, you simply open one joint account from which you pay your shared expenses. Once a month you both transfer in 1/2 of the monthly living expenses and then pay the bills.

Do not be tempted to try the, I’ll pay the rent you pay the groceries thing. It’s a recipe for disaster, it almost always leads to resentment. Why? Because you don’t know what the other is spending on groceries and it’s too tempting think you’re getting the short end of the stick. Believe me the other is feeling the same way. The solution is to insure both parties see all the bills (no illusions about how much this or that really is costing), and split it all 50 -50.

Also I would avoid buying things jointly, big things like washers or cars or such. Better you should buy the new dishwasher, and he pay for the repairs on his car, and everyone understand it’s yours should the arrangement end, than have every item you’ve purchased jointly become a sticking point during a bad break up.

You should, of course, wait at least a couple of years or more before entering into any shared debt circumstance.

My advice, though, it this;

Exit Strategy.

It denotes both maturity and self awareness to recognize and speak of the reality that sometimes things go badly, don’t work out the way we’d hoped. Talk about it before you move in. How will we end this if one or both of us decides it’s not working out? How much notice to move would be considered fair? What would need to be said between us? Who gets what? How many months bills would be owed for? How would that conversation go? Talking about it before hand can really save you both a lot of heartache and grief if it doesn’t work out.

Good luck to you!

[tdn]

@Anne Neville

There are good and bad ways to discuss situations like this. Making an accusation like “you aren’t thinking things through” is not generally a good start to that sort of discussion.

Hey Leo.

You are, of course, right. I guess I didn’t explain how things went down very clearly. I didn’t start out by accusing her of anything. I asked her nicely to please use the bucket and fill the tray up right away. She responded by calling me anal. I explained that I would like to have some ice when I got home, and there was a way to make that happen. She responded by calling me REALLY anal. It escalated from there. It ended with her laughing at me and me being totally flustered, and me not getting what I wanted.

Oh and as for going out and buying a couple od two dollar trays – I did that. She’d empty one, then empty the other, and when I got home it was my job to fill them with water.

Looking back on it, I can’t believe I let her get away with that behavior. I should have just called her on her shit. She would have respected me for it, I think.

[sunacres]

@elbows

Exit Strategy.

This is by far the best and most essential advice thus far. People don’t do it because they think of it as some sort of jinx, negative expectations, or other immature nonsense. In fact our culture officially frowns on it by failing to provide detailed education in contracts to couples entering into prospective marriage. That’s a trap. Building a confident, trusting relationship between independent individuals means understanding what your path will be in the event of death, insanity, change or heart, and other natural disasters.

[Grrr]

@elbows

Exit Strategy.

It denotes both maturity and self awareness to recognize and speak of the reality that sometimes things go badly, don’t work out the way we’d hoped. Talk about it before you move in. How will we end this if one or both of us decides it’s not working out? How much notice to move would be considered fair? What would need to be said between us? Who gets what? How many months bills would be owed for? How would that conversation go? Talking about it before hand can really save you both a lot of heartache and grief if it doesn’t work out.

Good luck to you!

Yes, keep enough in savings should you have to, you can get your own place. I can’t tell you how many girls I’ve known that are FORCED to be with their asshole BFs because they can’t afford to get a place of their own.

[Walpurgis]

Excellent advice from everyone, especially when it comes to exit plans and not being afraid to make up rules.

I’ll relay the advice my father gave to my brother at his wedding. Although it has more to do with keeping a marriage going, the gist of it applies to any co-habiting relationship.

*Son, there are two rules you need to follow to maintain a successful marriage. Never take a dump with the bathroom door open, and never call each other “mommy” and “daddy”.
*

[Anne_Neville]

@Grammanaut

Excellent advice from everyone, especially when it comes to exit plans and not being afraid to make up rules.

When you do make up rules, tell the other person what the rule is. Don’t expect them to guess or figure it out from the way you’re doing things.

[Walpurgis]

@Anne Neville

When you do make up rules, tell the other person what the rule is. Don’t expect them to guess or figure it out from the way you’re doing things.

Argh, yes. I’ve done this mistake numerous times myself because I’m extremely non-confrontational, and it’s an excellent recipe for disaster. People are not telepaths and won’t be able to tell what bugs you or what’s important unless you tell them.

There’s an element of social conditioning - probably shouldn’t go into it too much as it might derail the thread, but - many women I know, including myself, have had similar problems upon moving in with a male S.O. Many of us are reared to anticipate other people’s needs and wishes and put them before their own. Similarly, many aren’t trained to express our own needs. I have this conditioning despite my parents effort to be equal, and during my first co-habitation with an S.O. it gave rise to a lot of problems. Especially since he was raised in the tradition of “if no-one says anything, there isn’t a problem”.

(Can’t really say much about men’s conditioning or how things work in same-sex households. And it’s a huge issue. But this was something that struck me after a while)

Edited for grmamar.

[Anne_Neville]

@Grammanaut

People are not telepaths

If there are any telepaths out there, they would probably do well in an IT support career. They could figure out what the heck the users want when they call and say “the thing, it’s not working”.

many women I know, including myself, have had similar problems upon moving in with a male S.O. Many of us are reared to anticipate other people’s needs and wishes and put them before their own.

But don’t assume that all women can do this. I am a woman, but I can’t read non-verbal signals. This makes relationships with men easier in some ways, because what I say is what I mean- there are no unspoken subtexts or things they should be inferring from my tone of voice or body language. Any subtexts that you read into what I’m saying because of those things are not necessarily really there. OTOH, most men are used to women using and picking up on non-verbal cues to some degree, so it’s an adjustment getting used to me not being able to do that. Kind of like I imagine it’s an adjustment if you have to deal with an SO who is blind or deaf.

[Jodi]

I think the “being on the same page” advice is excellent. To me, moving in with someone is an indicator of a long-term relationship. So while it’s true that living together can be the goal in and of itself – not a step in the relationship, but really the end-product of the relationship – it’s important to be clear about that. If one party thinks the relationship is living together forever and one party thinks living together is the step before getting married, there can be serious conflict – perhaps relationship-ending conflict – down the road.

But then I’ve never lived with an SO. One guy was not clear enough about where he saw the relationship going after I moved in (anyplace?) and one guy was such a slob that I knew living with him would be undertaking an enormous project of some combination of compromising, retraining, and me doing the cleaning. Realizing I wasn’t interested in signing up for that made me realize I didn’t love him enough to plan a future with him. Kind of a sad realization, but one better made before I gave up my own place.

[lobotomyboy63]

Exit strategies are good, and the idea of having some in savings should you suddenly need to move, also good. We’ve all heard stories of people coming “home” to find all their stuff on the lawn and the locks have been changed, right?

Some pop-psych person once said that when you’re dating, you should keep your eyes wide-open. That is, catch any flaws that you might not be able to live with. When you get married, close your eyes half-way: everybody has quirks, so pick your battles and love the overall person as much as possible.

I guess when co-habiting, your eyes to be 75% open?

[Nava]

Antigen: it’s “his”, “hers” and “common.” I tend to be messy in “my” area, keep the “common” areas spotless and never enter other people’s areas unless specifically called in.

It’s good that you’re both going to have “personal zones”; every roomie I’ve had who “didn’t need a personal zone” just treated the whole house as I treat my personal zone.

For those tasks you both hate, set up a schedule and keep each other to them. It worked with my bro and his wife, and it’s worked with every reasonable roomie I’ve had (“reasonable” = “will actually talk about things, rather than shrug and ignore the issue”). And heck, if the biggest one is the dishes, get a dishwasher.

[Nava]

@Grammanaut

There’s an element of social conditioning - probably shouldn’t go into it too much as it might derail the thread, but - many women I know, including myself, have had similar problems upon moving in with a male S.O. Many of us are reared to anticipate other people’s needs and wishes and put them before their own. Similarly, many aren’t trained to express our own needs. I have this conditioning despite my parents effort to be equal, and during my first co-habitation with an S.O. it gave rise to a lot of problems. Especially since he was raised in the tradition of “if no-one says anything, there isn’t a problem”.

My mother did that. Now my brother does it. Makes me want to grab them by the neck and shake them until their ideas rearrange correctly, but I know it wouldn’t work. Plus my SiL would probably gouge my eyes out as soon as I started.

SiL didn’t know Bro likes action movies until they’d been married 7 years - that’s 14 years into the relationship.

Please don’t hide pieces of you from your man “because it might offend him.” The hiding is a lot more offensive.