Instant asshole: JUST ADD CHILD!

The BBQ Pit
1

Here’s a memo to the dopes and morons out there that, had we not lived in a free country, would have been sterilized by now:

  1. Your newborn baby does NOT belong in a sports bar. It was 930 last night, and I’m surrounded by drunks, smoke and other assorted ne-er do wells . . . and look across the restaurant and what do I see? White trash family, with a baby! Yeah, thats a real good environment, smoke, beer, great place for a small child.

Let me guess. This was a “suprise” pregnancy, becuase you or your dopey boyfriend forget to use precautions. So, now you are stuck with this little bastard, but dont want to give up your alcoholic lifestyle, right? When your little darling develops emphysema at the age of 12, you’ll be really sorry then. Well, the good news is that at maybe he/she won’t be able to reproduce, and further pollute our gene pool.

Oh did I neglect to mention the mother was SMOKING?

Stupid fucking bitch.

The night before, I’m out with my wife at another sports bar, where its 930 at night, and this family lets their fucking kids run all over the place, making all kinds of racket. Hey, losers, if you want to take the family out for the night, I have 2 words for you:

CHUCKEE CHEESE

Thats right; if I wanted to be surrounded by a bunch of screaming brats being let loose to raise hell all night I’d go to Gymboree.

GOD FORBID their parents take time out of their smoking and beer break to keep an eye on them. Look, want to go out, have a few, fine, I don’t begrudge parents that. Hell, they need it more than I do.

But hire a BABYSITTER.

  1. This has been covered here before, but why do idiots insist on BRINGING BABIES TO PG-13 AND R RATED MOVIES!!! Thanks for ruining “Signs” for me, you pieces of shit. See, it is slighltly distracting absorbing an M. Night movie when every minute, your fucking infant is SCREAMING IN THE MOVIE THEATER!

The only reason I didn’t tell you two off as you were loading your brood into the Yugo? Because your THREE YEAR OLD SON WAS WITH YOU, AND I DIDN’T WANT TO MAKE A JERK OUT OF BOTH OF YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS! Somehow, I’m sure the local social services will have plenty of opportunities for that down the line.

That wasn’t as bad as retard family #2, who brought their 2 and three year old kids to see: “The Cell”, you know, the serial killer torture movie with Jennifer Lopez? Mo-rons!

Why stop there? Why not sneak the kiddies under a coat, and take them to the local X-Rated movie theater? That way at least you will be disturbing perverts and degenerates.

  1. Finally this one gets my goat the worst. My wife’s friend has a one year old, and she told us that she was in a restaurant AND CHANGED THE BABIES DIAPER ON A TABLE! You know, where people might want to I dont know . . . EAT?

“Oh well, it’s required that all restaurants in my state have baby changing stations,” she explained, "and they didn’t have one. Oh well! I have to do what I have to do. Oh but I did wipe the table down for them.

Gee isn’t that nice? The trouble is, every time I sit in that restaurant from now on, the only image I have in my mind will be some babies smelly shit covered ass ALL OVER MY FOOD!

I guess changing the shitty diaper in your car never occured to you? Oh no, because then you would get his crap all over YOUR stuff.

  1. Your “little shopper” at Wegmans is NOT CUTE. I already ranted against Wegmans and their stupid “Stork Parking” and “Reserved for Parents with Small Children” parking spaces taking up 20% of the Wegmans parking lot. Well, they also have this wonderful thing where the little brats get to push around a little tiny cart and “help” their parents shop. Awwwwwwwwww, isn’t that sweet?

The only problem is, if one more of these little turds gets in my way, or bumps into my leg, I WILL RUN THEM THE FUCK OVER!

Small children belong with carts all right: IN THE LITTLE SEAT WHERE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO SIT, OFF THE FLOOR, NOT ROLLING OVER MY BIG TOE!

My wife has a theory about obnoxious parents: you get so used to your kids being loud, acting like assholes, and are so stressed out from having to raise the little fuckers, that you DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE!

So, to help all you stressed out parents, let’s review Vinnie’s 4 Rules for Good Parenting:

1-Your child does NOT belong in sports bars
2-Your child does NOT belong in PG-13 and R rated movies.
3-If there is not a baby changing station in the restaurant, there is PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE HOOD OF YOUR CAR, OR YOUR BACKSEAT
4-Your child IS TOO YOUNG TO SHOP, AND NEEDS TO STAY OUT OF MY WAY.

To those parents that know better, and work hard to keep their offspring in line, I salute you. The rest of you that thinks children are pets, GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.

By the way, I will be here all week for parents with lower IQs that need further parenting tips. Just trying to help.

2

Dear Vinnie,

I am the father of an adorable almost 2 year old girl. I’m wondering if it is proper to let her juggle running chainsaws, rusty knives, and hungry great white sharks. Any response would be appreciated.

Your truly,

Wondering Parent.

3

How will this end?

In Fire

Vinnie, I hear ya, but prepare for the onslaught.

4

If you’d like a creamier asshole, 1/2 cup of milk may be substituted.

5

Hamlet,

Glad to help. I would turn off the chainsaws, and make sure she wears long sleeves when juggling the rusty knives. Also, has she had her tetanus shot?

I will say yes to the sharks, but only if the sharks have just been fed.

Good luck, Dr. Vinnie.

6

If you’d like a creamier asshole, 1/2 cup of milk may be substituted.

7

Prepare for the onslaught?

This is IMHO the single least controversial rant I’ve ever seen in the pit.

Be courteous! Control your fucking children!

8

lieu, it was even funnier the second time…

Anyhoo, V, I pretty much agree with most of what you typed. Parents who smoke that close to the kids’ faces should be slapped…hard. Changing your child’s diaper at the table is gross. What kind of asshole doesn’t know this? I don’t think I’d let my kid push one of those little carts because I wouldn’t want him getting in someone’s way. I know how I feel when an adult is in my way, let alone a kid.

9

Re: the grocery store

Sorry, we spend more than you do there. We buy a lot more ice cream, milk, Quik, etc., and you can kiss our collective child-rearing asses. Show me a grocery manager who doesn’t want to cater to child-rearing families, and I’ll show you an unemployment statistic. And the same goes for the sports bar, especially if it’s one of those places that’s a “bar and grill” that has one or two big-screen TVs to show the game.

If you don’t like it, find another sports bar to patronize or shop at the grocery after, say, midnight. Otherwise, children are a symptom of the human condition, and you can either get used to them or you can go out of your head. And if you feel this way about children, do the world a favor and don’t breed. This kind of hatred of the “imposition” children cause is what leads to Toogood-type incidents.

BTW, I completely agree on points two and three.

10

Agree on all points.

Not that I would ever change my child’s diaper on a table, but just as info: When I change my six-month-old son’s diaper, nothing even remotely unsanitary touches the changing surface. The kid’s on his back, his legs are hoisted in the air, dirty diaper is taken off, clean diaper is put on, then the legs are put back down to fasten the tape. I routinely change him on my bed or on the carpet, and have yet to get anything foreign on either substance. Normally no part of his skin even touches the surface he’s resting on; his shirt/jumper/whatever is usually between him and the bed/floor.

I sure as heck wouldn’t change him on a restaurant table, though. Not necessarily because I’m worried about urine or poop getting anywhere it shouldn’t (although that IS a possibility), but because it’s just plain rude to expose a kid in public that way.

11

Vinnie–where ya bin? Ain’t seen you here in ages!

12

Thank you for saying it!!! Children don’t belong in bars. Hell, most adults don’t belong in bars. There is a certain bar where my SO’s band plays. It supposed to be a “family atmosphered restaurant/bar”. To me, that’s an open invitation for lazy parents to expose their spawn to drunks at an early age. A five year old can be running around in there at midnight, but the bassist’s 19 yr. old girlfriend can’t come, b/c she’s “underage”. WTF is up w/ that??? It’s just disgusting. Also, I can’t understand this parentcentric society in which we live. You can do whatever you want as long as a kid is doing it? I’m sorry, but I don’t like kids. If I wanted some obnoxious brat screaming in my face, I’d have one. Maybe some people would like to relax and have a good time. I don’t have a lot of money, and when I go out, I’d like to have a pleasant experience. Excuse the hell out of me! When I was growing up, my brother had a problem w/ throwing food in restaurants. Instead of my parents just ignoring him, or laughing it off,(as I have seen many parents do in regards to their children’s behavior)we didn’t go to restaurants until he learned how to behave himself. Having children is a privilege, not an automatic right. Parents have to make sacrifices for the greater good of their children, and that includes taking them to inappropriate places. Sorry, folks, that’s just how it is.

13

You do not know this. In fact, I would bet that a family with children that aren’t babies or infants spends a considerable amount of money on groceries, too. For example, two parents and three kids from ages 10 to 16 can eat a ton of food, almost certainly more than a mom and dad with an infant.

What’s that have to do with the kids’ being there? Note that “bar” is part of “sports bar.” No kids should be in a bar, IMO, unless there are extenuating circumstances.

14

Hey, I’m a parent, and I agree with everything Vinnie said, too.

When my hubby and I manage that rare-night-out without our kids, it pisses us off to no end to have a screaming child sitting next to us at the restaurant or the movies. Sure, we take our kids to restaurants at times, but if they were to start misbehaving, we’d take them outside in a heartbeat. I don’t see why that’s so hard for some parents to understand.

Sheri

15

I’m calling horseshit on this. I bring my son (who’s 8) to bars once in a while. Not at midnight, natch – he’s gotta sleep! – but during daylight/dinner hours. For instance, we took him to BW-3 for lunch yesterday afternoon. We sat in the non-smoking section, (I don’t smoke anyway) watched the Bears game, ate wings and mini corn dogs and drank Cokes. He dug it, I dug it, everything was copacetic. There were probably some drunks there, and he heard “Bullshit!” once in a while from the other patrons, but so what? I was with him, and I wasn’t acting a fool. I also used to bring him to the bar where I played sand volleyball. He’d hang out, play air hockey, and watch the game. During the summer, sometimes we’d join my boyfriend’s softball team at a bar for a beer and a burger. He has always behaved at least as well as the adult patrons. It’s fun for him to be part of the grownup world once in a while, and he needs to learn that not every place and person makes special provision just for him with coloring mats and clowns. (And, he really liked the sleight of hand magician that would come around.)

If I’m a bad parent for exposing my child to places beyond the plastic and “child-friendly” Chuck E. Cheese and McDonald’s, well, too bad. I don’t think bars are necessarily dens of iniquity and I’m not going to limit the two of us to the places other people think are appropriate for my child.

16

Geez, and you think I’m the one stressed out here?

Take a deep breath. It is one fine rant to complain about irresponsible parents who put their babies in harm’s way. It’s quite another, though, to start referring to random babies the world over–those could be my babies, buster–as “little fuckers”, and demanding that they be kept out of YOUR way. Last time I checked, I have just as much right in the grocery store as anyone else, and where I go, my kids generally go too.

I keep my kids under control–you won’t find them in bars, screaming behind you when you visit the XXX movies, or naked on restaurant tables. However, they ARE kids–they are sometimes noisy, loud, or smelly; they sometimes fuss, scream, beg, and cry; they occasionally slip away from me (slippery little suckers) and run right into the paths of people like you. And trust me, if you run over one of MY little darlin’s because you’re pissed at some random family you saw at the local sports bar, you will find yourself in very deep shit indeed.

Ain’t no mama like a mad mama.

(That being said, I understand some of your frustrations. Just hate to see a good rant degenerate into an “I hate kids” fest.)

17

Okay, I’ll give you 1, 2, and 3. But as a parent, those little shopping carts can help a child who is too big to sit in the real cart by making him feel he’s helping Mommy. Mommy, of course, needs to keep an eye on the child to make sure he doesn’t run over anyone’s toes.

18

My opinion is not horseshit. It’s a valid opinion. If you don’t share it, that’s your prerogative, but it’s still not horseshit.

IMO, a bar is a bad environment for a child. If you’re taking your kid there and aren’t having any demonstrable problems, that’s great, but I’d wager that your experience is in the minority. (Also, I’m not saying that going to a sports bar with a kid is automatically bad, as one can sit at a table away from the actual bar).

19

Fine. I think it’s horseshit to make a broad “no one should do this” or “this is bad” statement – which is, as I read it, what you did – but you’re absolutely entitled to your opinion.

20

Fair enough. When I said

the extenuating circumstances in your case are that a) you are watching your child at all times, b) it’s a relatively quiet/tame place, and c) there’s not a lot of smoking/cussing.