Instructions for things that don't need instructions

[NoPretentiousCodename]

@Governor Quinn

Sit down and shut up!

1. Carefully examine your chair.
2. If it is possible, push yourself backwards.
3. If you do not end up at a 90-degree angle from the ceiling as a result of Step 2, let the laws of motion propel you in the opposite direction.
4. If this occurs, continue for as long as you wish.

Hmm… how to roll your chair backward through the office a la Harry The Handsome Executive?

1: Allow a desire to grow within your heart. Namely the desire to dwell in the region of the United States traditionally known for their production of cotton crops.
2: Remember old times. (Do not forget them.)
3: Purse lips.
4: Blow.
5: Adjust tone and pitch to that of the best known inspirational song of the confederate army.
6: Look away!

[Nametag]

Governor Quinn: Sit and rock

NoPretentiousCodename:

1: Allow a desire to grow within your heart. Namely the desire to dwell in the region of the United States traditionally known for their production of cotton crops.
2: Remember old times. (Do not forget them.)
3: Purse lips.
4: Blow.
5: Adjust tone and pitch to that of the best known inspirational song of the confederate army.
6: Look away!

Whistle Dixie!

[Nametag]

Procure a means of interplanetary flight

Plan and execute a flight to Earth’s natural satellite

Copulate with the aforementioned satellite

[swampbear]

@Nametag

Procure a means of interplanetary flight

Plan and execute a flight to Earth’s natural satellite

Copulate with the aforementioned satellite

Go take a flying f*ck at the moon!

1. Approach apparatus designed for the dispensing of cool liquid.
2. Bend torso forward while depressing switch or button located atop or on the side of said apparatus.
3. Open mouth and allow cool liquid to flow inward from spigot located on said apparatus.
4. Do not allow mouth to come in contact with spigot.
5. Allow cool liquid to flow down throat.

[Sensualips]

1. Approach apparatus designed for the dispensing of cool liquid.
2. Bend torso forward while depressing switch or button located atop or on the side of said apparatus.
3. Open mouth and allow cool liquid to flow inward from spigot located on said apparatus.
4. Do not allow mouth to come in contact with spigot.
5. Allow cool liquid to flow down throat

swampbear Drink from a water fountain!

1. Take something you said and swallow it

2. Allow time to process and grow acidic

3. Hold your breath

4. Push from the lower abdomen

5. At this time it should have processed into a form of vaporous emmissions.

[Jurph]

Getting a cool drink of water from a fountain.

1. Fill a roughly cylindrical container at least half-full with water
2. Add any number of animals from class Osteichthyes, live or dead.
3. Discharge a firearm in such a way that the projectile’s path intersects with the position of at least one of the aforementioned animals.

[Aragowyn]

@Sensualips

burp? show compliments to the chef?

@Jurph

shootish fish in a barrel!

1. Take several keyboards (they must all be ones you own).
2. On each keyboard, carefully guard and watch over the key next to the “O”.
3. Repeat with the key next to the “W”.

[Bippy_the_Beardless]

Mind your P’s and Q’s

1. Place yourself in a horizontal position with your back against suitable supporting materials.

2. Imagine the land of Shakespere and Kippling.

[Governor_Quinn]

[QUOTE=Nametag]
Governor Quinn: Sit and rock

Actually, How to operate a rocking chair , but that’s close enough.

[Sensualips]

Nice try but nope** Aragowyn**

Spoiler:
burp? show compliments to the chef?

ANYONE Else?

1. Take something you said and swallow it

2. Allow time to process and grow acidic

3. Hold your breath

4. Push from the lower abdomen

5. At this time it should have processed into a form of vaporous emmissions.

[Sensualips]

Blow it out your anus!

or
You are talking out your anus!

[matt_mcl]

@Bippy the Beardless

Mind your P’s and Q’s

1. Place yourself in a horizontal position with your back against suitable supporting materials.

2. Imagine the land of Shakespere and Kippling.

Close your eyes and think of England.

And it’s Kipling. (Shakespeare is the usual spelling, while we’re at it, but the dude never did get his act together about how he wanted it written.)

[betenoir]

@matt_mcl

Close your eyes and think of England.

And it’s Kipling. (Shakespeare is the usual spelling, while we’re at it, but the dude never did get his act together about how he wanted it written.)

Actually from the instructions provided it’s clearly “Lie back and think of England.” Though it seems the origial quote ws indeed “Close your eyes…” So you’re both right. Or your both wrong…well, the important thing here is that *I’m * right :D.

[Aragowyn]

matt and betenoir, if yer both right, how come neither of you posted another set of instructions?

Anybody got more? These are fun!

[Tikki]

1. Acquire two empty narrow-necked glass vessels.
2. In one vessel, place a small amount of viscous, pleasant tasting substance produced by insects of the apis class.
3. In the other vessel, place a small amount of pungent, fermented liquid derived from the fruiting bodies of malus tree species and other vegetative matter.
4. Place both vessels outdoors in an open area.
5. Observe which vessel draws the most winged, soft-bodied insects of the dipera class.

How’s that?

[Tikki]

:smack: Diptera! Dang it!

[betenoir]

Aragowyn, I did. The above were instructions for how to give yourself a falsely inflated sense of self woth by making a minor pedantic point and irritating at least two other people :D.

@Tikki

1. Acquire two empty narrow-necked glass vessels.
2. In one vessel, place a small amount of viscous, pleasant tasting substance produced by insects of the apis class.
3. In the other vessel, place a small amount of pungent, fermented liquid derived from the fruiting bodies of malus tree species and other vegetative matter.
4. Place both vessels outdoors in an open area.
5. Observe which vessel draws the most winged, soft-bodied insects of the dipera class.

How’s that?

How to catch more flys with honey than you do with vinegar.

When located in a non-confined space, assess your surroundings

Take note of the following:

• dark grey puffy masses immediatly overhead
• a rythmic drumming sensation centered on your head and shoulders
• a growing feeling of dampness

Use these factors to determine wisdom of relocation.

[matt_mcl]

Have the sense to come in out of the rain.

1. Obtain a large, hardy tuber.
2. Compress it vigorously.
3. Observe the lack of circulatory fluid that emerges through this pressure.

[swampbear]

@matt_mcl

Have the sense to come in out of the rain.

1. Obtain a large, hardy tuber.
2. Compress it vigorously.
3. Observe the lack of circulatory fluid that emerges through this pressure.

How to squeeze blood out of a turnip

1. startup a product such as one sold by HP, IBM or Dell.
2. use the rodent like appendage to seek out sites of prurient content.
3. perform these steps while you are present at a place for which you receive monetary gain in return for the use of your time and talents.

[NoPretentiousCodename]

@swampbear

How to squeeze blood out of a turnip

1. startup a product such as one sold by HP, IBM or Dell.
2. use the rodent like appendage to seek out sites of prurient content.
3. perform these steps while you are present at a place for which you receive monetary gain in return for the use of your time and talents.

How to surf porn at work.

1: Surf the web until you find the repository for all worthwhile human knowledge.
2: Read all the articles. If interested, buy the books.
3: Notice that said repository is home to an engaging and (ostensibly) ignorance-combating online community.
4: Lurk for several months. (optional)
5: When you get the courage, apply for a 30-day trial membership.
6: After much deliberation, apply to become a full member. Pay fee.
7: Enjoy Try to fight ignorance from time to time.

Today was the day I finally completed this set of instructions.