Due to circumstances currently prevailing in my life, I’ve run into the following issue. Whenever issues arise which involve deep personal emotions, common consensus is that these things should be handled as personally as possible. Face to face is preferred, with a phone call behind that, and generally any written form falls a dead last.
My question is this: when did writing (including email) garner such a low rating on the interpersonal communication scale? Obviously the advent of easier travel and invention of phones and such have made face to face and voice to ear much more viable, but why the bias against writing now?
Personally, I’m a huge fan of writing. I’m far more eloquent on the page than I am in a conversation with some people (as anyone who’s seen my posts and heard my infamous “Repeater” story can judge). Thoughts come across easier, and while there is a lack of body language and intonation, I find that the time I’m allowed to spend on a written letter more than makes up for that. I can pick the word that is closest in meaning to what I want to say, instead of the first word that comes to mind.
Also, written aritcles generally have a longer life than remembered conversations. Most of the delicate topics that need this attention are things I’d want to keep in the state the other person intended them; memory has a way of fuzzing things over. That, and I don’t find a letter to be any less personal than a conversation, but that’s probably a bias.
So, gang, whaddya think? Do you prefer letters, or a phone call? Which is weirder, or more uncomfortable when you’re dealing with delicate emotional issues?
I agree with you about being able to be more eloquent on paper. I like being able to “compose” my thoughts when I have something important to talk about. Usually, if it is a good thing, I think it’s great to leave notes or send letters, e.g. love letters. If it is something more serious that needs discussion, I have been known to write out all my thoughts beforehand and have even brought letters with me to the confrontation.
I tend to get wrapped up in the conversation and lose my train of thought, so it helps to have my original feelings in front of me. Once I even sat down(with an ex) and read a two page letter to her before even starting the conversation.
Still, and I have extensive knowledge of this ;), communication soley through written word has a LOT of drawbacks. You just can’t express all of the thoughts, feelings and emotions fully. There can be some serious hurt feelings resulting from the misunderstanding, so you have to take it for what it is. Ultimately, face to face is how we were meant to communicate and I think conversation should at least end there.
Mike Mulligan had a steam shovel,
a beautiful red steam shovel.
Her name was Mary Anne.
My GF and I lived in different area codes, and we would use IQC to chat on to cut down on long distance bills. More often than not, we would wind up arguing, because you can’t sent inflection or tone in the written word, and sarcasm or a joke was misinterpreted as being cruel, etc. We kept the telephone as our primary mode of communication, and things greatly improved. Hell, what’s a few hundred bucks when you’re head over heels in love?
“My Accountz Reeceevable Posse don’t call me Tha Troubleshoota for nothin’. Suckas think I be chillin’, but I gots to represent at all times, 'cuz ain’t nobody else reeceeve accountz right but ME.” --Herbert Kornfeld
I greatly prefer face-to-face communication. Sure, a well composed letter or speech can be eloquent and persuasive, but if someone is strongly disagreeing with me, I like having the option of hitting them in the nose. You can’t do that in a damn letter.
Yet to be reconciled with the reality of the dark for a moment, I go on wandering from dream to dream.
I like 'em both.
I guess though, for emotianal or serious issues, i would prefer face to face. I tend to use my eyes alot as well as body language, and I like for the person I am speaking to to pick up on those hidden words behind the gestures. Although, I will agree I am more eloquent on paper. So, basically, I just said what everyone else did. (Strange little coincidence-as I am typing this Queen’s 'Body Language" came on the CD player.)
I like it here-can I stay?
And do you have a vacancy for a Back-scrubber?
I’d disagree about being unable to convey enough thought or emotion in text. (Of course, I’m moderately good at it: my girlfriend broke up with me and I used a letter to basically get her to reconsider that rupture and, eventually, marry me.)
I think the social stigma with a letter, (especially if the subject is a touchy one), is that letters do not allow your correspondent to reply while you are making your points. (This is sort of what Sake said as seen from the opposite direction.) Letters can be almost too powerful in that they allow you to convey your thoughts without fear of response. Your correspondent reads your message, goes to compose a reply, and realizes that you are expecting a reply and are free to trash it, unread.
For “delicate” conversations, most people want the ability to engage in immediate interaction. Letters, then, are seen as “cowardly.”
I’m not in full agreement. If you make it clear that you are engaging in true correspondence and that you will continue the dialogue as long as needed, the “cowardly” aspect is removed. Letters also let you exchange the ideas and feelings that get dismissed in face-to-face talks as soon as one person’s raised eyebrow, rising-inflected voice, sotto voce response, or whatever triggers an angry reaction on the part of the other person. People who are yelling hear only the anger, not the words the express the reasons for the anger. However, the world is not run according to my personal beliefs, and text messages continue to be seen as either cold or cowardly.
Bwahahaha… hundreds of dollars on phone bills? Hubby and I hit over a thousand one month. That was the month we discovered that if you start a call in a roam area, it stays “roam rate” even if you aren’t roaming anymore.
Anyway Flyp… good topic. There are manyof advantages and disadvantages to both sides of this. I found that for me, writing is my best bet if it is a “touchy” subject. I clam up too easy in person or on the phone. But here online, forget it. You can’t shut me up.
I guess I prefer one-on-one “in-person” if I don’t have to do a lot of talking. I like to read what people are saying through their body language. I am just not comfortable talking one-on-one in any situation. However, I love public speaking… go figure.
I think written communication has such a stigma because it’s considered as impersonal and as someone else said, cold. I also think that people see it as trying to hide behind something so you don’t have to have a face to face conversation with the other person, so it’s cowardly. A good example is a “Dear John” letter. Perhaps people also feel that people who write letters dont trust them enough to have a face to face conversation.
We recently talked about this very thing in my Interpersonal Communication class a few weeks ago. My feeling is, i’d rather recieve a letter than nothing at all. At least in a letter, i know they are upset or angry. It’s a hell of a lot better than someone avoiding conflict and pretending like nothing is wrong, all the while bottling it up inside.
I myself am an incorrigible conlang slut. I love oral lex.
What mouthbreather said. (can’t believe I just wrote that sentance.) My last BF goes to an out of state college, and we broke up because he misconstrued an e-mail I sent him which was meant to be sarcastic. He interpreted that I was serious, wrote some amazingly cruel things to me, I wrote back expression my confusion, he called me a stupid bitch. I realised what had happened, wrote back saying “Um, sarcasm,” we tried to make up, but the things he said made me completely lose all the trust I had built up. It got to the point where I wouldn’t tell him anything, for fear he’d lash out at me again. So out he went.
My advise: use the damn phone. Or get that thing where you can make long distance calls on your computer.
DON PEDRO: Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best becomes you; for, out of question, you were born in a merry hour.
BEATRICE: No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then there was a star danced, and under that was I born. -Much Ado About Nothing, Act II, Sc: i
The reason I try to deal with touchy subjects in person and not through written communication is that written communication survives as a record of the conversation. Especially at work, I call people instead of emailing them when I have something to say that isn’t necessarily positive. For instance, when our marketing department starts getting bitchy with me, I’ll call them to be bitchy back instead of replying to the email. That way, they can’t copy it to everyone in the company with the word manager after their name. I can forward their email, though, and it makes me look better to our higher-ups because as far as they can see, I didn’t react in an unprofessional manner.
Also, I find that emails tend to escalate a problem. Conversations over the phone tend to minimize the conflict because people are less likely to be rude to your “face” than through email.
As we’ve all seen here on these boards, it’s really easy to spew completely horrible words to someone when you’re typing…a lot of what we say to each other on these boards would NEVER be said in person. It amazes me, to an extent, that more punches AREN’T thrown at these little get-togethers.
It depends on the situation. Writing is more permanent, so I think it’s a great way to just say “hi” to someone you care about. I keep a lot of the positive email i’ve recieved, nad it’s nice to look through it every now and then “for old time’s sake”.
OTOH, I prefer voice or face-to-face when dealing with an issue that might come up. I do think writing to someone abouot something that bothers them is kind of cowardly.
Overall, I lean more towards phone conversations. I don’t have to spell check then.
Sorry I’m so late getting back to my own thread, guys, but this weekend gave me a nasty case of Green Bottle Flu.
I think there’s pretty much a consensus on conversation being the way to go when dealing with a potentially volatile situation. It’s simply too easy to misconstrue someone’s intent when they’re not right in front of your face, where you can see their gestures and catch the tones in their voice.
How fitting it’s Dem who first responded to this thread (anyone up for another “Ass Slammer” thread?). Swim’s story rings true for so much of the communication that takes place now. People too often miss the humor intended in many posts/emails/chats because so much of it is facial or tonal; Dem and I know of this first hand. And I’m sorry, guys, but those weak ass emoticons are not sufficient indicators of emotion (not to mention they’re goddam annoying).
But on the other side of the coin, would you prefer a heartfelt vocal expression of undying devotion, or a keepsake letter you could fish out in the years to come when you feel the need? And how many of each have you given/received? (Hey, it’s MPSIMS; if I didn’t make it mushy, we might’ve ended up in GD, and you know what cold, logical empty-souled bastards they have over there, don’t you?)
