Interracial dating: could you, would you, with a fox?

In My Humble Opinion
1

As a parallel to the Great Debates thread on Asian men and black women being at a disadvantage on the dating scene, I thought I’d start this thread for people to chime in with their opinions and experiences.

If you have ever dated outside your race* I would like you to share with us how this came about. Were you seeking someone of that race or did it simply happen? What did other people say? Did you marry him or her?

If you haven’t ever dated outside your race, would you consider it? And if you’d never consider dating outside your race, why not?

Right off the bat I think we should agree, as a ground rule, that attraction is a funny thing. We can’t explain why we find some people attractive and others not. Can we agree to be keep the accusations of racism out of this thread? It’s just a “Green Eggs and Ham” question: either you like it or you don’t, so let’s not be judgmental. :slight_smile:

All right. I’ll start:

I’ve dated once outside my race, an Asian woman I met in Seattle. We had Thai food; I lent her a book. We didn’t really hit it off, so we didn’t date again.

Now that I’m back on Match.com, I confess a little trepidation at dating women other than generally Causasian. There aren’t many black women in Olympia, for one thing (we’re an extremely white part of Washington State); I also worry about being perceived as The Guy Who’s Into Asian Chicks, so I hesitate to send emails to them. (I’m sure they get enough as it is.)

Not only that, but it seems to me that dating a black woman or an Asian woman would be a lot more work — we might have less in common, eat different foods, enjoy different things; and we’d certainly face much more scrutiny from friends, family, and total strangers. I’m a little intimidated by how difficult I imagine it to be to build both a relationship and a bridge between cultures at the same time.

Anybody else want to share? :slight_smile:

*Race is an artificial construct, genetic blah blah, culture is the blah blah, how dare you use divisive language like blah blah blah. For the purposes of this discussion we all know what race means, right?

2

My wife is of a different ethnicity than mine (I understand that’s the politically correct way to say it :slight_smile: ). I am Italian and she’s Chinese, and we met by chance in a hostel in London during a holiday. We never dated as such, more like hung out together, and then things developed.

People never had anything negative to say. Many of those who met us were delighted. Taxi drivers often asked how our children would look like. The only people with a problem were my parents, out of concern for me. Moglie e buoi dei paesi tuoi, the proverb says in Italy - pick wife and cows that come from your neck of the woods, because you’ll know how to handle them. It made sense in times with less international travel, I suppose.

But now my parents are very fond of Mrs Aruns, once they saw things got serious and we got married.

3

Yes, for quite a long time, to a woman of mixed English and Sri Lankan ancestry. We were students together, and for a long time I thought she looked southern European more than anything else, but her mixed-race origins had no problems for me.

4

I’ve been married to long to honestly answer the question. Ethnic differences can be huge, though. I married an old fashioned PA Dutch girl - as in churned their own butter, butchered their own food, heated the home with a coal stove, etc, and she wasn’t even Amish! Fish, we ate different foods, etc., but we’ve been married over 23 years.

One of my daughters has admitted to reluctance to date Asian men. She finds the relative lack of facial hair unappealing.

5

Yes, in fact I have dated more woman not of my race than of my race. I’m Hispanic but could easily pass for Caucasian. I have dated black, white, Asian, you name it. I don’t really care what they are, as long as they show interest in me I’m there.

6

I haven’t, but only because of lack of opportunity. I would certainly have liked to date certain people outside my race, only the other parties were just not that receptive to my charms. :stuck_out_tongue: I can’t really see myself limiting myself to any ethnicities in particular.

7

Ethnicity wouldn’t even come up as a reason to reject someone for me. People are people.

Not liking cats, on the other hand…

8

No problems with dating outside my ethnicity. I have asked out South Asian women, East Asian, Irish, English, Scandinavian, Black, all sorts.

The real barriers, other than the big one of whether they are attracted to me in return, tend to be cultural differences rather than those of ancestry or appearance. The Black woman was intensely Christian and I am not, so that didn’t last longer than one awkward date, for example.

9

I have dated within and outside my race (Caucasian). I think something happened around my early 20’s in which the men that were attracted to me happened to be black and Latino, mostly, so I sort of gravitated toward them. I was open to whoever, but I mean, they like you, so you start liking them back. I ended up dating mostly black men, but again, I was open to whoever and dated a Korean guy, several white guys, an Iranian guy, Latino men. I ended up marrying a black man from Africa. Nobody said much to me about it. My parents raised us not to be racist (not by anything they hit us over the head with – just by how they acted/didn’t act and by what they said/didn’t say - as their offspring we have analzyed this later) and they didn’t change their tune when I brought a black man home. In any case, I didn’t care what anyone said. Or rather, I used to be quite fiery, and now I don’t give anyone energy who has anything (negative) to say. Either way I didn’t allow them to affect my choices. I haven’t gotten much more than the occasional dirty look from various people. I have lots and lots in common with my husband – on a soulmate, personal, sense of humor, spiritual, and intellectual level – that is way more important than the fact that we grew up speaking different languages, eating different food, and basically doing everything else different too.

10

I have. One half-Mexican guy, for almost a year in college, and one half-Thai, half-Filipino guy, for just a couple of months. I’m still good friends with the first guy (more than 20 years later), though it didn’t work out, but didn’t have much in common with the second guy, so we don’t keep in touch (though we parted amicably).

11

I have a pretty distinct memory from when I was a teenager of my dad expressing his opinion that interracial marriage was wrong. God didn’t intend it and so on. I suppose his position has changed over time, or at least he’s making an exception, because he now seems to truly love his Indian daughter-in-law. He has never breathed a hint of objection. His counterpart, however, seems less enamored of his white son-in-law. Alas.

I met her through a mutual friend, who wasn’t really trying to set us up. He was just in town briefly and wanted to see us both at the same time. She and I lived about four blocks apart and had probably never run into each other. I wasn’t looking for a relationship with anyone in particular, but the first time I saw her, I had one of those movie-cliche moments. She stepped out of the elevator in her building to meet us, and it was like she was shot in soft focus and slow-motion. I picked up my jaw, and the three of us went out for a drink. She ordered a scotch, and I proposed immediately. Well, OK, I proposed two years later. But the wheels were in motion!

“Interracial dating: could you, would you, with a fox?” Yes, my wife is a fox!

12

I’m white and for the most part I’ve dated white women. I did date a Hispanic woman for a good while and it didn’t bother me a bit.

Rather than color/language, I’m much more aware of culture. My Hispanic girlfriend was about as Mexican as I am English, we were both 3rd generation Americans and about the only thing left of our native cultures was certain traditional foods at the big holidays.

If I were to date a black person (if I can be “white”, she can be “black”, otherwise you can call me “West-European American” if she wants to be “African American”, anyway…)

…if I were to date a black person, it’d be someone who shares my culture. I have little in common with the urban-hip-hop-Tupac-was-god-whitey-is-keeping-me-down black person. On the other hand, I work with some lovely black women who’d I’d not have much of a second thought about dating- they’re just average, educated, homogenized, American cultured similar to me.

(I’d be just as unlikely, by the way, of dating some backwoods, trailer-living, honey-chile’ white woman from the mountains of West Virginia. I don’t match up with that culture, either.)

So - to summarize - it’s not about race - it’s about similar backgrounds & cultures.

13

My bloodline is 100% Polish ancestry (paternal grandparents and maternal great-grandparents emigrated to the US in the early 1900s) and I grew up in a lily-white suburb in the 60s. However, I didn’t start dating till I was nearly 20, in the Navy, and living far from home. During my 10 years of dating (ending when I married) I went out with 2 different black men, and 2 or 3 of Hispanic descent. I never really sought out a particular kind of guy, and the way I looked at it, if I thought I’d enjoy spending time with a man, I’d go out with him.

My mother was less than thrilled, but then she harbored hopes that all of her children would marry others of Polish descent. (None of us did.) Anyway, although I married a man of miscellaneous European ancestry, that wasn’t a goal or a requirement. It’s just that he’s the only one who asked…

:smiley:

14

My first boyfriend, in high school, was Asian–half, anyway. He was half-Vietnamese, had been a kid in Singapore, but otherwise lived in the US. There weren’t any issues, really. I wouldn’t marry him because I was 17 at the time and also our religious beliefs didn’t match, which was important to me. He did sort of propose, though, which put me straight into a panic and is the main reason we broke up.

I didn’t actually date that much, so it’s not like I’ve got a long list, but I had long-term flirtations with another Asian guy (who never asked me out) and a Hispanic guy–I didn’t date him because I found out he’d been (or still was) involved in gangs and drugs, so no thank you.

Oh yeah, my first kiss was a guy from Brazil (find the story on the recent worst-kisses thread). I suppose he was mixed-race; he wasn’t white, anyway.

Now I’m married, but when I was single I would date guys of any race.
–The only problem I ever had was with my slightly strange Danish host mom, who I visited while I was dating the Vietnamese boyfriend. She was convinced that I would marry him, have children, and then he would run off to his home country with the kids and I’d never see them again. :rolleyes: I think she had him mixed up with a) Middle Eastern guys (who have, rarely, been known to do such things in Denmark) and b) someone with the actual ability and desire to do such a thing. This particular guy wouldn’t be likely to leave his beloved San Francisco and 49ers football for anything. But nothing could convince her otherwise, and I didn’t bother to try too hard. When I did break up with him, she refused to believe me. :rolleyes:

15

I’ve never really dated. Have been attracted to all types (including black women and Asian men), though their fashion sense, taste in books and movies and views on religion have all been pretty similar. Most people in my crowd have parents who immigrated from somewhere else – India, the Middle East, China, etc. – really, we’re a spectacular, beautiful rainbow. But everyone’s pretty similar when it comes to their lifestyle and views.

16

The first guy I ever fell in love with when I was a teen was a black guy. We met on a BBS and I did not know he was black until I was head over heels with him.

My parents - who for the most part are nice but apparently quite racist - freaked the hell out. Like, I went from never having done anything bad in my life to nearly being kicked out of the house and all my possessions burned. It was absolutely horrible…I’ve never felt like my parents hated me until this happened.

I had to dump him (man, that was rough - how do you tell someone you can’t see them anymore because of the color of their skin?!) It took me about 6 months to be able to stop talking to him (in secret). I remember I was seriously angry and depressed and the house was all in disarray for a long time because everyone was mad at eachother.

Anyway, I’ve never been that scared/upset/angry/lonely/depressed/sick in my entire life and I don’t want to repeat it again. So, while I am equally attracted to both black and white men, I honestly admit that I will not date black guys. I’d rather not fall in love with a black guy and have to choose between him and my family, so I just avoid it altogether.

For the record, my teenage sweetie and I managed to hook up online and we talk now and then. He’s still a great guy, who is married (to a white woman). I believe he is the only person I’ve ever dated that truly loved me, too.

17

God that is horrible. But don’t worry– if Obama becomes president, all racism will be eradicated!

18

I am white. In my dating time (a couple of decades ago), I dated: White, Black, Korean, Chinese, Philipina, & Hispanic.

However, my most serious linkages were with white, and I married a white woman.

My sons go to schools where Asians are the largest group (Chinese, Japanese, Korean and Indian), and the whites are the minority. My 13 year old son’s text messages go to the following girls:

  • Chinese
  • Japanese / White mix
  • White
  • Indian
19

Oh, and I forgot the half-Japanese, half-Polish guy. I’ve known him since I was 15, and we are culturally pretty similar - honestly, the “interracial” aspect barely crossed my mind. I still hear from or about him now and again; we have tons of friends in common.

20

I’m caucasian. Ex was from India. Last SO was from the Middle East. I’ve dated many Hispanics but never any African-Americans or other Asians (though I haven’t avoided them—the right musual attraction and opportunity haven’t happened).

I’ve gradually come to the conclusion that cultural differences are a huge barrier to a relationship. It can probably be overcome by two special, committed people, but it’s a large, extra obstacle in a game that’s already difficult enough. I’m not a practicing Christian, but that’s sort of my background. Start mixing religions and you have extra potential for disagreement.

If you’re just dating casually, no big.