Consider the following hypothetical scenario (don’t worry, this one doesn’t involve golf clubs):
Your daughter starts dating a guy. He has a good job, and is about the same age as her. Your daughter tells you that he treats her as well as you could hope for. One day she invites him over to your house for dinner. When you open the door to let them in, you discover that he is (black / white*).
*delete as appropiate.
How would this make you feel, honestly? I suspect some of the fine upstanding citizens of the SDMB would keep their mouth shut, while secretly feeling disheartened. I’m certainly not saying there is anything wrong with having reservations, and I’m not sitting in judgement of anyone’s particular views. On the contrary, I’d like to hear honest, considered opinions. There may well be good reasons why interracial relationships are a bad idea. Let’s here them.
If I were in this situation, I really don’t think it would matter. If I ever have a daughter of my own (I have step daughters, but that’s not the same), I will bring her up to respect people for what they are on the inside, and not what they look like.
No problem with it here. Both my brother and sister married caucasians. On the other hand, while I have no problem with that and while I myself will date non-hispanic women I can’t really see myself marrying one. Does that make me a hypocrite?
In my opinion, no that does not make you a hypocrite. “I can’t see myself marrying one” means that you simply can’t envision a future where you are married to a caucasian. You’re not saying “I would never marry a white girl”, right? Similarly, I would never say “I will definately not marry a black girl”, because I just don’t know that. I haven’t dated a black girl, but this is mainly because black girls don’t normally come on to me.
I should explain that although I’m not married, I still call my GFs daughters stepdaughters. She is a divorcee, and they often come over and do stuff with us, so I like to think of them as stepdaughters.
OK, I guess I should add that some people I know do think mixed race relationships are a bad idea. They say that each race has it’s own culture, and that this is something ingrained and has nothing to do with which country you are born with. They say that black people have a particular “blackness” which doesn’t mix well with white people’s “whiteyness”. Similary, hispanics have a particular latino culture that doesn’t mix well with the white culture. Not sure if you can read my meaning from that, but I hope it gives you some idea of what prompted me to write the OP. Also, I hope none of this comes across as disrespecting any particular race, because that is certainly not my intention.
I think you’re going to pretty much get the same answer here, not only because it might be true, but because alot of people want to believe that they’d react in a positive way, even if they wouldn’t. While I don’t have a daughter, my dad is a good example of this. He’s never seemed racist (at least not to me) and actually interacts alot with many different races, both in his work and personal life, which isn’t very common in my area. Then I told him I was interested in a guy who happened to be black.
He freaked out. Completely. Then looked pretty shocked that he’d voiced his opinions out loud. Once it hit close to home that this person might have an active role in his life, his true feelings came to the surface. I rarely see any racist behaviour now, but now I know it’s there and I sometimes see examples of it. My mother on the other hand is very open, and also didn’t know my father was racist until they’d been married for years. He still thinks he’s an open-minded person, and acts civil to the inter-racial couples we have in our family.
Honestly, how do you know for sure how you would react to a situation unless you’ve been in it?
Of course, thinking you’re not racist and then exhibiting racist behaviour is especially true with older generations, and where I live.
Oops, forgot to add that I didn’t date said black person, for reasons other than race, so I never dealt with the issues that would’ve gone along with that. I’ve been attracted to people of many different races, so I’m sure I would have no problem with it.
I understand where you are coming from totally. I work with people who will openly make the most obscene racist jokes around me. They assume I’m OK with it just because I’m white. These people then go on to work with black people and talk to them like they would anybody else. I guess I’m the coward for not saying anything to them about it.
Well, given the above situation I probably would be suprised and speechless at first. Simply because if my child announced they were bringing home a date, I’d assume the date to be of the same race. Just because it’s the norm. I could say the same thing if my child brought home a date and they only had one arm or something. It’s just the sort of thing you’d assume they’d bring up prior to you seeing them. Heavens willing, I’d get over it soon enough and we could all enjoy frozen pizza for dinner.
I don’t have any problem with inter-racial couples (well, that I know of… maybe this would bring out some latent emotions… haven’t been there so I don’t know) but I can’t say I’d react 100% identically to a date of the same race.
Awww. I’m sorry. Perhaps the problem is that YOU have not come on to a black girl? Your homework is to ask an attractive black girl out for a casual drink…you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
I think it depends on what part of the country you’re in. In otherwords, I would not recommend anyone in “backwards” towns to do the interracial thing. But in most major cities, it’s pretty PC.
The bottom line: if all parties are being treated with respect, who cares the color or culture. Throughout highschool I mostly dated white guys. But when I got to college, all the white guys “ran for the hills” because college ‘girlfriends’ often turn into ‘my first ex-wife’.
So a beautiful black man scooped me up and it’s been the best scooping of my life…(he also mainly dated/sexed non-black girls before college) Now, mind you, most other AA people we know do not subscribe to our open-thinking…
I am a white guy, but I had a very serious relationship with a black woman when I was younger (22-25 years old).
My family was very good about it. I warned them ahead of time before I brought her over. They all seemed to have no problem, and tried their best to help it work.
The relationship fell apart, but for other reasons than race (she ended up dating other women, if you must know. Yes, I dated a black lesbian!)
samarm, I totally disagree with what the people you know say about people from different cultures not being able to get along. People from different backgrounds fall in love, get married, have families, whatever all the time, and have done so probably as long as there have been people. The people who think such things are impossible are narrow minded and/or ignorant. There are so many examples of succesful mixed-culture couples that it isn’t even worth debating.
It really depends on how I perceive the kid/man that sweetums brings home. There are products of both “white culture” and “black culture” I’d run off my doorstep with a baseball bat and others I’d be suggesting kindergardens to. I like “sharp” and “aware” people, especially so in terms of gene combinations. I have probably more in common personality and interests wise with Carl, the head black networking tech for our company than I do any of my fellow agents.
Having said this, in real world terms, I would probably be more concerned/anxious if the prospective date that walked in was black, because even though I have a number of black aquaintances and have been invited into their homes on various occasions, I have relatively little true familarity with black culture and have no real sense of what the more subtle and nuanced aspects of the norms, attitudes or behavioral expectations are. This relative lack of a social perspective purchase in trying to parse out if (IMO) my daughter’s date is a good guy or not, would probably be disconcerting to me. If it was a white kid I would think I could look him in the eye and after some direct conversation get a sense of what he was about. I have no such confidence in my ability to be able to relate directly in this fashion to a black man or to really understand his context.
In the end a smart black or white boyfriend is immensely preferable to a dumb one, but being smart does not necessarily mean you have a good character, and my concern over being able to wrap my head around the black boyfriend’s character would probably give me greater pause with a black boyfriend, but in the end if he’s acceptable to my daughter he’s acceptable to me (at least if I want to see my grandkids).
My first thought is ‘Why would there be a problem?’
But now I think of it, different culture/country would make a difference. Marrying someone from a different country could be awkward - some grandparents are going to feel left out. Or running of with someone who’s religion forbades men/women to speak or something (not that any such spring to mind, but you know what I mean) would be
I had an interracial relationship once. It turned into more of a friendship because I generally have much bigger problems than race when I date. I didn’t really notice it was interracial till someone pointed it out.
My mom on the other hand once started complaining about interracial relationships so I can guess her opinions on the subject.
Setting aside the fact that I don’t see myself wanting or having children, all I can tell you is that I’m the product of a european/ecuadorian marriage, and briefly dated a black woman myself. For my own part, I have no problem dating women of other races.
If all the things you set forth in the OP were true, that he is an all around decent guy, I wouldn’t care what race a hypothetical daughter of mine would date. If he came to me acting like a ghetto rat or a thug, you’d have an entirely different story of course. This applies equally to the white boys who like to think that they’re hardassed gangstas.
My first girlfriend was half-Filipino. I don’t know if that counts as a real interracial relashionship though – she’d been brought up in Spain and Australia mostly and was pretty much an Aussie. So there wasn’t any culture clash at all.
On the other hand, one of my cousins, who is very close to my immediate family married a guy from Trinidad back in the 60’s. Most of the extended family at the time virtually disowned her but they’ve got one of the happiest and most successful relationships I’ve ever seen.
I know that my grandma still disapproves – her line of thinking, I was shocked to discover one day when she was driving me to school is that she’s not racist, black people are fine, but would you want your sister to marry one? Course, this is the same woman who hated my mum for years because she’s shudderJewish.
I’m only 22, so I’m nowhere close to having children yet. But I feel so strongly about this issue, I think I can say exactly how I’d react to it, without having lived through it. I would not feel “fine” or “indifferent” about it - I would be overjoyed, and extremely proud of both her and her date. Although I don’t think that interracial relationships are any better or worse than same-race relationships, the fact that these two are capable of an interracial relationship is worth admiring. This is all, of course, assuming I notice what race he is, and I know what race my daughter is; I’m pretty oblivious to all that.
Now, at the same time, I cannot fault someone for feeling different. If interracial relationships put you ill at ease, that’s your prerogative. But for your children’s sake, keep it to yourself. The last thing that a child needs is to think their parent disapproves of their relationship because of something like that.
My stepdaughter is living with a Maori guy. I’m really happy she is happy and I can honestly say that Mr P and I had precisely zero negative reactions. He’s a nice guy and A’s really happy with the extended Maori family set-up and all is cool in the world.
My MIL OTOH has never met the guy and has been saying the most vile things about ‘those people’ :(. This didn’t come as a surprise to us sadly as she’s been racist about her Maori ex-daughter-in-law for decades.
Your homework is to ask an attractive black girl out for a casual drink…you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
