How do y’all feel about salt 'n pepper type couples?
Now don’t give me that “whatever works for you” pre-masticated pablum. This is a serious question. What would YOU do in the face of familial ostracization? How about when mom says, “You’re no child of mine. How can you be so cruel to us?”
Or how about when grandma says “If you continue with this thing it will be the worst thing ever done to this family. We had such high hopes for you.”
Or when dad can’t even speak to his friends without fear that something they say will make him think of you and break down? Or can’t even go out of the house for fear someone will ask him about you and how you’re doing with your life and he’ll be forced to think of the shame you’ve brought upon yourself and the family?
Fun, huh? Welcome to my world.
Would you be true to yourself and your own feelings, or to the family? I’ve made my decision, and I’m happy with it. Now I want to know what you think.
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First off, let me just say I’m sorry you have a family that puts that kind of pressure on you. That really sucks.
No one can tell you what to do, but I personally wouldn’t give up my husband if he was white, black, green, 10 feet tall or whatever. I am fortunate in two ways I guess.
1.- my family would probobly care if I dated someone out of my race, but they know I wouldn’t give a rats ass what they thought.
2.- I’m not very close to my family, so I can honestly say I wouldn’t give a shit what they thought.
What a shame for anyone to put a damper on your relationship. I say enjoy each other, love each other, and try to make the best of things. Maybe your family can learn a little about being open minded and civil from you. Good luck!!!
Zette
This happened to my mom. She’s Korean, my dad is a white American. Basically, her father shut her (and us kids) out of his life. Eventually she lost contact with her entire family, so I don’t know them at all.
It’s a tought situation, but we’ve made it without any lasting trauma. My mom is happy with her life, even though I’m sure that she misses her family very much.
My husband’s mother wasn’t very happy with him dating me, but at least I wasn’t black (her words). She was really happy when our son came out with blue eyes/blonde hair, that way she can show the pictures and not feel too embarrassed.
My niece’s father is black and his family wants nothing to do with her. Their loss, she’s the prettiest little girl in the world. (IMO, mixed race children are the most beautiful :))
Good luck to you Dead Flowers, I can only hope that they’ll change their minds.
I think “I’m happy with it” is all the justification you need. Somebody else has a problem with it…well…the world is full of assholes…the secret of life lies in not being one of 'em.
Henry Rollins, in his latest spoken word video, ended it on a similar note.
In a nutshell, he talked about the intensity of going to the Civil Rights Museam in Memphis. About how they had a replica of a counter with well-dressed negro children, and on videos above, them being pummelled without hitting back by a bunch of crackers.
How after dealing with all of this, you’re in a room where speakers from all dies say “Nigger. Nogger. Nigger. Nigger.” over and over again.
And then, you turn into a room and there’s just a mirror - looking at yourself.
He took this as a challenge that it never happen again, and specifically to tell your parents that they are WRONG to be racist.
I love my dad (and loved my mom), but there are some things too important, and if they shared these feelings, I would have to do as Henry suggested - “Cut them loose. Because if you’re not with me on this one, you’re against me on everything.”
Good luck in resolving your choice, but remember that you should do what makes you happy and your parents and grandma are very secondary in the equation.
What’s this “better” nonsense? Hearts matter. Minds matter. Anyone who values that less has built their own hell.
Humans are just too flat-out wonderful, varied and rich to get snotty and uppity over surfaces. (Hey, true fact, most African Americans can proudly claim a much deeper genealogical pool in this republic than most of the whites around!–if it even needs footnoting.)
Your heart saw more clearly. Take pride in that, and when the doody hits the fan, look at the faces around you. They’re the reality, the rest is just stupidity. You have the reality and the love; they have the prejudice. They’re the losers.
Only YOU can live your life. You can live only YOUR life. It is your heart, your honor, your integrity, your choice. No one else’s.
How unfortunate that your family can’t bring themselves to try to see your partner through your eyes. In any other situation I bet they’d be very proud of you for standing up for what you believe in. If you’re lucky, time will help moderate their perspective.
Having experienced a mixed race relationship, I know about the stares & scowls. But there are plenty of models for success. Don’t let the turkeys get you down.
Just a quick side note: We went out last night with a couple- he’s white and she’s black. (his last girlfriend was black, too). Our mutual friend whispered to me “does he only date black women?” and I answered “No, he only dates smart, beautiful women”. Some people will just never get it. They are truely missing out.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of assholes. Zettecity
Ah, the woes in ‘interracial’ relationships. Lines can be drawn in so many arbitrary ways along skin colour, culture, religion, ancestry and a thousand other irrelevant factors. The person of your life can displease your folks in so many different ways, you’re better off not paying too much attention to other peoples criteria.
As for me, I’m thinking of marrying gaspan anglo. Lighten up, it’s good for the gene pool.
Maybe there is a kind of race ranking amoung racists going on to determine what is acceptable. I’ve been out of the States to long to know what’s what these days.
When I have visited the States with my wife, the thought that someone might disapprove of my relationship never occured to me.
My attitude could be part naivete, but mostly I don’t give a shit. We don’t have any problems with our families, so we are getting a break there, where you are getting shafted.
I’ve already dealt with my family’s reaction when they found out I’m a lesbian. (They actually took it pretty well. I think it was a little weird for them, but nothing they hadn’t suspected for a while.) I think I could handle their reaction to me dating outside my race, but I really don’t see it being an issue. If it was, then I’d be pretty ashamed to be related to them anyway.
On a side note, I am almost pure European stock. I have a little Native American, but barely enough to say so. Anyway, at some point, one of my ancestors married into a black family. Therefore, I have some African-American relatives. Third cousins, I believe. My family and I went to visit them one summer, and we took pictures. When we got back, and showed our photos around, there were some interesting dialogues, that generally took this form:
Visitor: Who are these?
Us: Oh, these are our cousins.
Visitor: Your cousins?
Us: That’s right.
Visitor: But they’re… they’re… uh…
Us: Yesssssss?
I don’t think there was any ethnic bias involved, just non-comprehension as to how we could be related. It was still pretty interesting to watch them fumble around, though.
I’m not that close to my extended family. The few relatives I have that I care about would be cool with it, but even if they weren’t, it would be their problem.
I got a little heat from my grandmother when I was dating a Hispanic: I made it clear to her that if she had a problem with it, I didn’t want to hear about it.
Life’s too short. If you find someone who makes you happy, then go for it. Forget about the naysayers.
Tell them it could be worse…you could be dating an Irishman (That was a joke for the humor impaired.) As many others here have said, you live your life, when you find someone who makes you happy, that is what is important. Oh, as for the joke I made…it actually has a point, I’ve read correspondance where a mother was complaining to her son about the fact he was marrying an Irish girl, and as such was bringing trash into the family. This was dated around 1900 or so.
>>Being Chaotic Evil means never having to say your sorry…unless the other guy is bigger than you.<<
When I was in high school we had two interracial famililes. One was one of my closest friends and (being the sheltered white suburban girl that I was) NEVER realized she was half white and half arab. She was blonde, blue eyed, pale skin and very very smart. Her brother looked the same except he had course dark hair. It wasn’t until I met her dad, who was very arab except for wearing a 3 peice suit and no accent.
But the true eye opener for me was this family, they had three kids, and I never ever figured it out that were brother and sisters until my Junior year. ( Yes, I was dense) The boy was a medium skin black. The older sister was a light skinned black and the middle sister was white. They had a common last name in our school and it wasn’t until I saw the kids sitting with their parents during a school function. All I could think of was,
" wow, I bet their parents got alotta crap for marrying outside their race."
I think PBS did a story on this subject. I didn’t see it and I know PBS has a high level of excellence etc. BUT when I was reading the info on the couple featured, it was like they picked the nearly typical black guy that whities expect all black men to be like: problems with alcohol, can’t hold a job…
All I could think of was, Geez, there are probably 1000 other mixed marriages where the couples who have set a better example.
As long as it’s truly for a developed love, and not to rebel against the stodgy values of Mumsie and Dadsie, or flaunt your “alternativeness”, there shouldn’t be anything wrong with it.
When I was really young,my parents said don’t ever date a black boy. Why?I don’t know. My mum said she wasn’t racist,and she was friends with the black mailman,and talked to him daily,but it was the kids that would suffer,from discrimination. Maybe back then they would. But nowadays people do know better,and they are lots more multiracial kids,so hopefully its a moot point. There were No blacks kids in my school,up til high school,where there was 1,count him,1! A funny note,I later dated and married a bisexual dragqueen addict with AIDS,so maybe after that my parents might’ve thought,hmmm,if only she’d married a nice black man!
In my experience, I have seen very few interracial couples where the gal is black and the guy is a honky–typically it’s the other way around. Don’t know why (and I live in the Deep South).
Having said that, most–most interracial couples (I’m assuming we’re speaking heterosexual–I’ve known a number of interracial gay/lesbian couples, and it doesn’t appear to be an issue there) that I know involve white gals that are either a) rebellious (ie, “wild”) or b) complete losers. Keep in mind where I’m located, though. YMMV.
In the former case, it’s “different” because people, as social animals, tend to form communities along commonalities.
In the latter, well that’s a little more delicate subject, those are the types that are, ah, somewhat lacking in pulchritude.
So, in summary–in theory there’s nothing right or wrong with it. People make their choices based on whatever. However, in the reality of those choices, the white gals that I’ve known (that were with black guys) were gals that they shouldn’t have been messing with, regardless of color–just because they were bad news.
Also, in none of the cases above am I referring to casual dating or even one-night stands. I’m talking about long-term relationships (married or not), often involving children.
If you love somebody, what different does it make if they are black, orange or purple. I think some people should get into the 90’s… there are only two months left.
We are, each of us angels with only one wing;
and we can only fly by
embracing one another
Don’t give up on your family entirely. It will take time, but they may come around.
When my sister was in her late teens, she dated a lot of losers - druggies, theives,etc. She drove my parents crazy. But when she started dating Steve, it was the absolute worst thing she could ever do in the eyes of many family members - he was black. They nearly cut off all contact with her.
First they moved in together, and then they moved to Philadelphia together. I kept in touch with them, and sometimes my parents would ask me about her, but they very rarely talked to each other. Then,
about four years ago, we learned she was pregnant. At first, my parents were very upset, but during the nine months of pregnancy, decided they would not hold their first grandchild responsible for his mother’s mistakes, and decided to persue a relationship with him.
They soon learned that both Steve and my sister were holding down full time jobs, that he treated her well, and that he was an excellent father. It got to the point where Steve was not only an excepted member of our family, but an exaulted one (my parents credit him for sticking with my sister, who can get a little nutty at times). My father now brags about him and his grandson any chance he gets.
So things did work out for the best, because my parents have truly opened up their hearts, and have learned to move past packaging in their judgements of others. It has been a miraculous thing to witness, and I am glad to have played a part.
I used to live next to a black man married to a white woman. They were married in the late 70’s (if that makes a difference). They both loved each other dearly and would never seperate, but both admitted if they had it to do over again, they wouldn’t have. b/c of all the shit they have to put up with.
I always thought that that was so sad. One thing i’ve been curious about is if there is a blk/wht couple, do asians look at them funny, or blk/asian do whites get bothered? or any other combo like that.
All this science, I don’t understand. It’s just my job 5 days a week-- Rocketman
(That was a joke for the humor impaired.) As many others here have said, you live your life, when you find someone who makes you happy, that is what is important. Oh, as for the joke I made…it actually has a point, I’ve read correspondance where a mother was complaining to her son about the fact he was marrying an Irish girl, and as such was bringing trash into the family. This was dated around 1900 or so.