Intimate relations with plants

I’m in the “Great Books” program at my school. This is a shared inquiry course involving small classes and classic literature. Due to the nature of the program, great emphasis is put on discussion among the students (as opposed to the professor, whose purpose is generally to “lead” the discussion without actually answering any questions); and as a result we get to hear lots of different viewpoints - some interesting, and some…interesting…if you know what I mean.

On this wet day in Southern California, we were finishing up our study of Dante’s Purgatorio. The final stage of purgatory proper in the book is the Terrace of the Lustful, where those people who acted out their sexual urges in inappropriate ways or measures are punished with cleansing flames.

Dante and his guide Virgil speak with one of those swathed in fire, and he explains the structure of the terrace to them. There are two groups of shades, he says, in this stage of purgatory:

"The people moving opposite us shared
the sin for which once, while in triumph, Caesar
heard ‘Queen’ called out against him [homosexuals]…

Our sin was with the other sex; but
we did not keep the bounds of human law,
but served our appetites like beasts…"

Dante, in his original Italian, calls these people ermafrodito - hermaphroditic - although the translation makes it clear that he’s talking about what we would call heterosexuals (specifically, for the purposes of the poem, sexually depraved heterosexuals).

Now, this was a college class. We’d all been through biology and anatomy, and I thought it would have been reasonable to assume that everyone there had some idea of what a hermaphrodite, in the sense that we use the word, was.

I thought that, but I was wrong.

As we were discussing this, one girl insisted on knowing why the term “hermaphroditic” was used, since it didn’t indicate that with which we, in modern times, would associate it.

This sparked a mini-discussion, nothing of much consequence. One guy, across the room from me, looked confused. Was he pondering the possible semantic or poetic or, hey, even theological reasons for using the word “hermaphroditic”?

No.

Actually, he was trying to figure out or remember what a hermaphrodite was. All became clear when he opened his mouth and said, quite loudly enough to be heard by all in the small classroom:
"Aren’t hermaphrodites people who have sex with plants?"
I guess you could say this jolted people out of their rainy-day stupor. A dozen-and-a-half mouths were silent for a moment, and then, like a patch of flowers opening up in the sunshine (botanophiliacs will no doubt catch the innuendo), a dozen-and-a-half mouths expelled a dozen-and-a-half barks of disbelieving laughter and, perhaps, confusion.

“How is that even possible?” one girl asked, quite seriously.

We never found out. Needless to say, our concentration was shot for the next quarter-hour or so, and I fully expect that guy’s comment to be perhaps the most significant legacy of my spring 2005 Great Books II class.

So…I take it someone using a cucumber as a dildo doesn’t count, here. (No, I don’t know of any documented accounts of anyone using a cucumber as a dildo, but, given the shape of a cucumber, I’d bet that someone, somewhere has done it.)

And, of course, there’sthis story.

I wouldn’t tell that guy about dendrophiles…

(Or Venus Flytraps, if he doesn’t already know.)

Obviously, she’s never experienced the soft brush of daisy petals upon the fertile valley. [sub]One of my more inspired romantic moments if I do say so myself.[/sub]

I once saw a homeles guy…um,… okay, you know how sometimes really old trees will have knotholes in them?

Ow! Ow! Splinters! Owieee!!!

Be careful about having a romantic relationship with poison ivy.

I can think of quite a number of plants native to northern New Mexico which, so long as I have anything to say about it, are never getting anywhere near my intimate regions.

'cuz…cactus? Ow.

?
Now that reminds me of the pumpkin joke.

The punch line is: I swear, officer, I didn’t know it was that close to midnight!

“And the dildo in the shape of a cucumber. I swear to God, they have a dildo in the shape of a fucking cucumber! Now let’s think about this. How much does a dildo cost? $75, $80 for a good silicone latex dildo? HOW MUCH DOES A CUCUMBER COST?! TEN FUCKING CENTS!! Go down to the Safeway and buy yourself a fucking cucumber! Just don’t, you know, peel it first, cos it’ll go thwp! right out of your hands.” - Lea Delaria

I accidentally sat on a cactus once because I was hiking and was tired and didn’t notice it. I refused to go to the emergency room because I was too embarrassed to tell the doctors and nurses that I did something that dumb. Fortunately they were small stickers and eventually fell off my heiney, but I had to be careful how I sat for a while.

…well I clicked on the link, read the title, then saw the thread was by **Master Wang-Ka **, then read the opening line…

…and I was having tears of laughter before even reading the story!

We get a lot of questions in GQ about hybridizing humans and chimps. Now I’m starting to wonder if I could impregnate a petunia.

I’ve often thought that lilies and bromeliads were asking for it.

Well, it’s not completely outside the realm of possibility but I’m pretty sure carnivorousplant doesn’t swing that way and I don’t believe he’s Inuit either.

More’s the pity, really.

wipes tears I have stomach cramps now. And the cats are giving me the “Back off, boys, we’ve got a live one!” look reserved for the batshit nuts.

With that kind of talk I bet you get all the lilies.

Ladies! That’s what I meant. Ladies.

Once upon a time, a none-too-bright gentleman was about to get married. A few weeks before the big day, he confessed to his best friend that he was a virgin, and didn’t know how to have sex. The friend led him to a really old tree with knotholes in it, and told him to practice with that.

On the wedding night, the newly-wed couple climbed nervously into bed. Suddenly, the wife lets out a shriek as her husband starts stabbing her delicate regions with a tree branch.

“Are you out of your mind?!?” she screams.

“Nope,” he answers, confused. “Just checking for bees.”

Ahem:

http://www.arkive.org/species/ARK/fungi/Phallus_impudicus/ARK010726.html?size=large

Granted, it’s part of the fungi, but still…