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  #1  
Old 07-04-2003, 08:26 AM
Master Wang-Ka Master Wang-Ka is offline
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A Nice Set Of Melons

I once knew a guy who was into fruit.

So to speak.

He'd bored a hole in one end of a watermelon, inserted his dingle, and let fly.

He apparently found the sensation interesting, and began experimenting. He found that slightly overripe melons were best as far as texture and sensation went, as the texture was apparently more "cottony", as he put it. I can certainly see where they'd be moister, anyway. The real breakthrough, though, happened when he bored another hole in the other end ... and slipped a vibrator in it.

He raved about it for days. I hadn't heard anyone talk about sex in such... glowing... terms since high school, as we began, one by one, to lose our virginity. It was like he'd discovered a whole new third gender of people, with whom he was still a virgin... and he had begun to seek his one true love...

Things began to get a little strange. He really got into his experiments -- he was going through six or seven melons a week, easily, and that was just what he'd admit to me. He acted like some horrible mutant psychological crossbreed of sex maniac, junkie, and quivering romantic.

I never had the courage to ask what he did with the watermelons afterwards. I almost did once, but I realized it might be a rather ... personal... issue, at least with him.

He tried lots of different permutations -- vibrator in the end, vibrator in top, two vibrators, one on each side, vibrators in both sides and one end... he spent a lot of money on vibrators and watermelons. At one point, I later found out that a girl we both knew demanded the immediate return of her toys when she found out what he'd been doing with them, which made us all wonder... she didn't mind her vibrator being in another person, but it bothered her that it was in a fruit? (Uh, so to speak...)

He got obsessive. He drew diagrams. He experimented with different sizes of vibrator, set for different pulse rates. He even took the vibrators apart, to see if he could alter the way they worked. It really was a classic bit of mad science...

... which is how I got involved: he asked me to rig the vibrators so that they could all be turned off and on with one switch.

A week later, he came back to me with a problem: the perfect vibratory rate for this particular brand of vibrator was when the batteries were about half dead. Could this somehow be simulated? I wound up finally wiring the things together with old Christmas lights and a toy-train transformer, so he could vary the flow of juice, so to speak, to whatever suited his, um, fancy.

I took extra special care with the soldering and insulation. Everything was waterproof by the time I was done with it. I'd learned my lesson well when it came to penises and electricity, you see.

Finally, towards the end of that very odd summer, I recieved a very special invite on the answering machine. He'd apparently completed his experiments the previous day, and had mapped out the size and volume of the ideal melon, and the number and placement of vibrators to ensure maximum intensity.

The next day, he intended to have the ...ultimate vegesexual experience. Would I like to come watch? There would be wine and cheese, and a hallucinogenics buffet. I wouldn't be alone; he'd invited guests.

I kind of wanted to. I admit it. I thought about it. It was an extremely bizarre thing, and I did bizarre from time to time... but I had to work the next day... and somehow, the idea of skipping work to watch a guy fuck a fruit somehow just wasn't something I could reconcile to myself. That... and if bestiality was illegal, what would they do to you for screwing a vegetable? I could just see the local cops bursting in to grab some high-profile headlines...

...and then, there were his friends. I knew some of them, and many of them were SERIOUS weirdies. Hm, I thought, would the chick with the pierced nipples who liked to go topless be there, I wondered? Pierced nipples were a lot less common then, and she and I had hit it off pretty well at our first meeting...

...but if this was a party, then his friend who claimed to be married to his dog would likely be there, too, and for some reason, this guy seemed to think I was his friend... last time we'd met, I'd learned more about dog plumbing than I ever wanted to know...

...I begged off.

Apparently, I missed quite an event. I heard about the happenings no less than five times the following week from assorted people who'd been there.

Our hero made quite the party out of it -- open bar for guests, the promised buffet, complete with drugs and finger sandwiches, and he was answering the door in nothing but a pair of gold lame ballhuggers. In the kitchen, he'd duct-taped the melon to a large cutting board and braced it on the kitchen table.

When everyone was there... the festivities began, so to speak. He ditched the ballhuggers. Someone offered to "fluff" him, and he graciously agreed. Much arousal and amusement ensued, particularly since the fluffer was apparently a guy.

Finally... his manhood erect and ready... he approached the cutting board.

The openings had been drilled, the vibrators inserted, the wiring arranged. I never saw this particular melon, mind you, but I can imagine it easily enough -- his later experiments were so full of parts and wires, I'd taken to thinking of them as the BorgMelons...

He lubricated himself thoroughly... and entered the fruit.

The crowd watched breathlessly.

He switched on the vibrators. The air filled with the hum of fruit come alive... and the smell of an excited watermelon.

He groaned.

The crowd gasped.

He began to slowly stroke in and out of the melon.

His eyes rolled back. Plainly, he was feeling no pain.

The crowd began to get into it.

He thrust into the fruit, harder, deeper.

The crowd began to chant, "Go! Go! Go!"

He began to lose control, furiously hammering the fruit.

A couple of the crowd ran forward, grabbed the table and board, stabilized it.Our hero slammed into the melon, harder, harder. The crowd moved closer, gathered around him. They held the table steady. Harder, harder, faster...

...and then... something WEIRD happened. Weirder, that is, than the tableau already before our eyes.

In truth, I guess it was my fault. I didn't foresee it... but I should have. I'm the one who wired the vibrators to work in tandem, using Christmas lights for a model. I should have known that more than a dozen vibrators, all working off the same power source, might well fall into sync... and generate harmonic/sympathetic vibrations... which, in a semiliquid environment like the inside of an overripe watermelon... would generate positive feedback... increasing by the second. The guy's dong whacking in and out wouldn't help; in fact, it probably accelerated the end result.

The bottom line: just as our hero reached orgasm, the watermelon exploded, violently, showering our hero, the kitchen, and the less-than-innocent bystanders with... uh... "fruit salad", so to speak. No one had noticed the increased throbbing vibrations due to Our Hero's frantic thrusting.

The funny thing is, he didn't consider it a failure. He said that it was the ultimate orgasm he'd had in his life up to that point.

I asked if he wanted me to rewire the vibrators so they wouldn't do that again.

"No," he said. He explained that he believed that the ever-increasing harmonics that had cause the melon to explode had also been the source of his ecstasy... and that he'd still been coming when the fruit detonated... and he was quite sure he could ravish a whole barnyard's worth of watermelons without ever reaching that MegaNirvana again... because he knew he'd never again be able to get the TIMING just right....

(At this point... I wonder how many Dopers are going to burst out laughing when someone serves them up a slab of watermelon this happy Fourth of July...)
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  #2  
Old 07-04-2003, 08:41 AM
3waygeek 3waygeek is offline
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I wonder if this is how Gallagher got started...
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  #3  
Old 07-04-2003, 08:49 AM
ParentalAdvisory ParentalAdvisory is offline
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What the hell?
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  #4  
Old 07-04-2003, 08:54 AM
Hot Buttered Toast Hot Buttered Toast is offline
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I'll never wear my "Big Watermelon" T-shirt again.
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  #5  
Old 07-04-2003, 09:05 AM
Planet of the Shapes Planet of the Shapes is offline
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That is one of the most ridiculous stories i've ever heard, and definately the most interesting thing i've read for ages. I'm amazed. Well done.

You're not claiming its true though are you?
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  #6  
Old 07-04-2003, 09:07 AM
manwithaplan manwithaplan is offline
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::Applause::

And I don't even care whether it's true.
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  #7  
Old 07-04-2003, 09:15 AM
Planet of the Shapes Planet of the Shapes is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by manwithaplan
::Applause::

And I don't even care whether it's true.
I suppose you're right actually, it doesn't really matter if it is true. I quite tempted to forward it to my friends.
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  #8  
Old 07-04-2003, 09:59 AM
Futile Gesture Futile Gesture is offline
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I thought Cafe Society was the forum for fiction.

Like a fair proportion of Wang Ka's posts.
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  #9  
Old 07-04-2003, 10:09 AM
chestnutmare chestnutmare is offline
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I am still not sure if you either know the most bizarre people or if you just have a most a bizarre imagination, but either way I am truly laughing my ass off.

You chase Witnesses with swords, have problems with your thong and your waterbed attacks you while you're sleeping... If it ain't fiction, I am going to have to meet you. If it is fiction, you need to get that shit published
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  #10  
Old 07-04-2003, 10:10 AM
Mangetout Mangetout is offline
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Very amusing read.

Reminds me a little of the time my wife asked me if I'd mind her friend... Oh, hold on, that never happened either.
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  #11  
Old 07-04-2003, 10:26 AM
chattywine chattywine is offline
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Bravo!

Thanks for the giggles.
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  #12  
Old 07-04-2003, 10:38 AM
Jervoise Jervoise is offline
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Truth or fiction -- and it matters not -- you crack me up, Wang-Ka.
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  #13  
Old 07-04-2003, 10:39 AM
Little Nemo Little Nemo is online now
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I never had the courage to ask what he did with the watermelons afterwards. I almost did once, but I realized it might be a rather ... personal... issue, at least with him.
Well, let's hope he ate the watermelon afterwards. After all, the melon gave him an orgasm and fair's fair.
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  #14  
Old 07-04-2003, 10:39 AM
robgruver robgruver is offline
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My new favorite poster. Ta da!

Rob

PS: I actually belive him... there is plenty of weirdness in the world.
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  #15  
Old 07-04-2003, 10:45 AM
AngelicGemma AngelicGemma is offline
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I doubt very much if it is true, but it is still EXTREAMLY funny!
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  #16  
Old 07-04-2003, 11:44 AM
80sHairMetalMaven 80sHairMetalMaven is offline
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ROTLFMAO

That's too funny. Is it true, Wang-Ka??

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  #17  
Old 07-04-2003, 11:50 AM
dantheman dantheman is offline
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Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought this would happen to me, but there I was, at a party where a guy put his dingus into a watermelon ...
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  #18  
Old 07-04-2003, 11:55 AM
XJETGIRLX XJETGIRLX is offline
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This is almost as funny as the first time I read it, although I don't remember where or when that was.
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  #19  
Old 07-04-2003, 12:17 PM
Master Wang-Ka Master Wang-Ka is offline
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Yeah, I know. I posted it around here somewhere, once, and now I can't find it.

As to whether or not it's true... well... I wasn't there. I only know what they told me.

But I was the closest thing to an electrician the guy knew, which is how I got involved. And there are some who'd say I was to blame for the whole episode, really.

History is my judge.

Enjoy your watermelon, folks.
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  #20  
Old 07-04-2003, 12:20 PM
Master Wang-Ka Master Wang-Ka is offline
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And my waterbed didn't attack me while I was asleep. It came for me while I was wide freakin' awake.

And a good thing, too.

That I was awake, I mean.
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  #21  
Old 07-04-2003, 12:24 PM
AskNott AskNott is offline
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"Standing there shiny and proud by your side,
Holding your joint while the neighbors decide,
Why is a vegetable something to hide?
To hi-i-ide,
To hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide?"
--Call Any Vegetable by Frank Zappa
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  #22  
Old 07-04-2003, 12:34 PM
jessondair jessondair is offline
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I don't know what's more disturbing:

1) A guy fucking a watermelon.
2) His friends agreeing to come over and watch him fuck a watermelon.
3) "I'd learned my lesson about penises and electricity"

But I'm laughing my ass off, so I guess it doesn't matter. ROFL

Jess
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  #23  
Old 07-04-2003, 12:40 PM
Master Wang-Ka Master Wang-Ka is offline
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Well... the "penises and electricity" thing was a whole different story, you see.

One of the worst things I ever saw happen to a guy was in high school, when a friend of mine participated in the vandalizing of a Sonic-Drive-In. He made the mistake of peeing into the little speaker you order your food through. The electrical arc traveled up the stream and practically fried the poor guy's tallywhacker. He said it was like being kicked in the nuts while plugging your tinkus into a power socket. What was worse... he told us the next day at school... Li'l Mr. Happy didn't seem to WORK any more, if you know what I mean.

He was scared. I didn't blame him. To have your dick suddenly cease to function at age 16 is like ... like... shit, I don't know. A disaster, certainly. The next day he reported it still didn't work, despite hours of priming with dirty magazines. He could pee through it... but that was about it.

Day three: still nothing. He was badly frightened... his brother had theorized that he'd shorted out some important nerves, or something. Would it ever work again? He was debating going to the doctor, even if it meant admitting who'd vandalized the Sonic...

An entire sexless LIFE stretched out before him, and he was having to take a hard look at that.

Day four: He came to school laughing, his heart had wings again. Life was good again. Apparently, the poor thing was just traumatized, that's all. He reported no less than four successful launchings the previous night, with and without photographic assistance. All was well... but it was a lesson none of us ever forgot...
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  #24  
Old 07-04-2003, 12:45 PM
jessondair jessondair is offline
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ROFL Wang-Ka, you lead a very interesting life, don't you?
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  #25  
Old 07-04-2003, 12:50 PM
Kickback_Joe Kickback_Joe is offline
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Hoo! Funny stuff. I read this earlier and was laughing so hard I had to leave. I stopped by my friends house and he comes to the door with this HUGE piece of watermelon. I died. Flat fell over and died laughing! He called me a weirdo and shut the door on me. That just made me laugh harder. Here I am laughing my ass off on his front porch, tears in my eyes and his wife drives up with another watermelon. I don't think I will be able to handle it at their BBQ later this afternoon. Too Funny!
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  #26  
Old 07-04-2003, 12:55 PM
Bandanaman Bandanaman is offline
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I have a feeling this is real. From what I've sen around the net these days, it's pretty tame by comparison.

But still distrubing.
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  #27  
Old 07-04-2003, 01:00 PM
Master Wang-Ka Master Wang-Ka is offline
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Thank you, Joe.

You have made my entire ordeal worthwhile. Knowing that out there, somewhere, in the great world girdled by the Net, that I have made it impossible for someone to accept a slab of watermelon on the fourth of July without bursting out laughing....

...has achieved my purpose.

(snicker)
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  #28  
Old 07-04-2003, 01:03 PM
Kickback_Joe Kickback_Joe is offline
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You are welcome. Damn I'm still laughing.
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  #29  
Old 07-04-2003, 01:24 PM
cuauhtemoc cuauhtemoc is offline
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Whether any of this is true or not, I think I want to start hanging out with Wang-Ka. But especially if it's true.

Bravo again, Mr. Ka.
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  #30  
Old 07-04-2003, 03:12 PM
Master Wang-Ka Master Wang-Ka is offline
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Hell, no matter WHAT I said... would you BELIEVE me?

And like I said, I wasn't there.

But I knew the guy.

And I believe it.
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  #31  
Old 07-04-2003, 03:28 PM
cadolphin cadolphin is offline
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ROTFLMFAO

Wang-Ka is my new favorite poster too!

Whether this short story is fantasy or a true story matters not to me. Every story I've ever read by Wang-Ka has been so well written and entertaining, when I reach the end, I find myself wanting more!

I can't wait until his next story!

<chanting>
Wang Ka, Wang Ka, Wang Ka... Everyone now: WANG KA
</chanting>

Everybody Wang-Ka tonight
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  #32  
Old 07-04-2003, 03:34 PM
raz raz is offline
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Wang-Ka, You're a hoot. You can party with me anytime!
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  #33  
Old 07-04-2003, 06:39 PM
TPWombat TPWombat is offline
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Heh, reminds me of a moment from the 1985 BBC series Happy Families :

Priest : "How many starving peasants would have been glad of that melon??!!"
Pitchfork-wielding peasant : "They'd have had to be pretty bloody hungry!"
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  #34  
Old 07-04-2003, 10:45 PM
Sock Munkey Sock Munkey is offline
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I remember reading that story when I first started posting here.
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  #35  
Old 07-04-2003, 10:50 PM
Flamsterette_X Flamsterette_X is offline
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Interesting story, man.. very amusing.

F_X
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  #36  
Old 07-04-2003, 11:07 PM
samarm samarm is offline
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Very funny story!

Sock Munkey, it was posted in this thread originally:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/...hreadid=159607
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  #37  
Old 07-04-2003, 11:18 PM
fizgig fizgig is offline
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I'm going to snicker, and wonder, from now on everytime I see someone at the grocery store with a melon (or especially multiples) in his/her carts.
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  #38  
Old 07-04-2003, 11:37 PM
Pixiesnix Pixiesnix is offline
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Here I was, happily enjoying having the watermelon I ate with my Independence Day cookout squelch through my digestive system, when I came upon this thread.

Now all the happy childhood memories of eating watermelon with my family on hot summer days have been replaced with images of a guy getting his freak on with a melon.

As for your other pal's electrified eel, wasn't there a game featured on Red & Stimpy called, "Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence?" Both seem like obvious things not to do. Electricity travels through water, Mr. Wanga-Pal. Of course, he had to learn it the hard way.
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  #39  
Old 07-05-2003, 12:11 AM
LolaCocaCola LolaCocaCola is offline
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I had chilled watermellon cubes at the beach today. :/
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  #40  
Old 07-05-2003, 12:33 AM
Raini Raini is offline
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Eating watermelon will NEVER be the same again!!!!....just as the enjoyment of eating apple pie has changed!!!
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  #41  
Old 07-05-2003, 06:17 AM
DarkPrince DarkPrince is offline
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Quote:
the idea of skipping work to watch a guy fuck a fruit somehow just wasn't something I could reconcile to myself.
Bwahahaha...
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  #42  
Old 07-20-2003, 02:23 PM
Master Wang-Ka Master Wang-Ka is offline
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Heh, heh, heh.

Now all I have to do is come up with a story about birthday cakes, and I will control ALL your holidays...
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  #43  
Old 07-20-2003, 11:23 PM
Mudshark Mudshark is offline
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That sotry was like a Frank Zappa song.
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  #44  
Old 07-20-2003, 11:32 PM
Larry Mudd Larry Mudd is offline
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Wang-Ka, sometimes you put me in the mind of some of the stuff Chris Miller wrote for National Lampoon in the seventies, when National Lampoon was actually funny.
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  #45  
Old 07-20-2003, 11:47 PM
Krisfer the Cat Krisfer the Cat is offline
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I got through my first pregnancy living on little but watermelon!

Thank god I am done with having kids!

Four thumbs up for Wang-ka!
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  #46  
Old 07-21-2003, 08:22 AM
Master Wang-Ka Master Wang-Ka is offline
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I'm being compared to Chris Miller?

Damn.

I'm flattered.
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  #47  
Old 07-21-2003, 09:23 AM
Shade Shade is offline
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What the F*** are you doing with that pumpkin??
What! Is it midnight already?
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  #48  
Old 07-21-2003, 10:07 AM
dropzone dropzone is online now
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[melon hijack]

I was at the grocery and a woman was walking around carrying two cantaloupes, one in each hand, pressed against her torso. It took everything in my power to not say, "Nice melons!"

[/melon hijack]
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  #49  
Old 07-26-2003, 01:20 PM
Plankspanker Plankspanker is offline
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Wang-Ka, you slay me! i now know to look out for waterbeds, people with lots of melons, and never to pee on electrical items.

dang, it just makes my life easier ::dopey grin::
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  #50  
Old 07-26-2003, 03:19 PM
Marley23 Marley23 is offline
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Quote:
<chanting>Wang Ka, Wang Ka, Wang Ka... Everyone now: WANG KA</chanting>


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