In my ongoing research efforts into easing the problems of prison overcrowding, unemployment, and public violence, I’ve come up with a new project…inventing modern fighter classes for gladiatorial games.
I figure this would be just the kind of light-hearted group exercise we could all get behind, here—and with a couple of millennia of technological progress and cultural exchange behind us, we should be able to come up with some real winners.
(Plus, someone here might actually speak enough Latin to come up with pithy names)
First concepts:
•Electrical weapon gladiators! (“Elektarii”?) Tasers, shock prods, musical halftime numbers…
•Amputee/paralyzed fighters. Sort of with precedent At what point does it stop being “exploitation” and start just being “reasonable ADA accessability”? Probably when they start winning.
•Pata sword fighters…possibly dual Pata fighters.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be completely practical as much as “fun to watch.”
•Motorized weapon gladiators. Yeah, pretty much this. Possibly overlapping with the fighter class above this, for the ancient and time-honored fighting style of “crazy chainsaw hands.”
•The old standby Bestiarius animal-fighter class. Of course, in accordance with modern sensibilities, these guys are going to be unarmed.
•Robot fighters (“Robotarii”? “Mechatarii”?)! Not robot gladiators—pfft, like that would ever take off—but human gladiators fighting robots, of various kinds. For a theme, I suggest they only be armed with their wits, muscles, and a Tapir femur or a crude wooden club. Off the shoulder caveman tunic optional.
So…anyone else want to join in? Even for trifles like Quatloos?
What, no giant robot duels? It’s just not a proper hi-tech gladiator event without guys piloting giant robots attacking each other with humongous swords. And flamethrowers! Always a crowd pleaser. Yeah, we’d probably have trouble building a good giant walking machine with present day tech, but we could work something out with treads.
Not sure what to call them, I don’t know Latin either. Titanarii?
Fictional weapons classes. Mostly from sci-fi, because other genres don’t often dream up their own weapons. Minbari fighting pike, Klingon Bat’leth, that sort of thing. Themed fighters, like in Ultimate Warrior.
Coupla more thoughts…
•As horseback fighting might not be acceptable (with the danger to the horses), I’d suggest a more modern replacement…with tankettes. Machine guns and cannons, naturally, might be too dangerous to be allowed in the hands of the gladiators (especially if they want to make a break for it, or the audience is being particularly unfriendly), so they might be restricted to flamethrowers, spar explosives, and reactive-armor jousting.
•Come to think of it: plate-armor boxing…with reactive plate armor. Cue “Batman” sound effects (“Bam!” “Pow!” “Splort!”)
•Drugged fighters (“Narcotarii”?). You could work it into theme fights—hippies vs tweakers! PCP addicts vs acid heads! It might actually be a good anti-drug demonstration; let the kids really see your brain on drugs…as they’re splattered across the sands of the arena!
Nobody dies, but my very best friend and I play “Drunk, Naked, Gladatorial Scrabble” on a regular basis. The winner is declared the ‘Scrabble Bitch’ and gets possesion of the ‘Scrabble Bitch Trophy’. The loser is dubbed the ‘Scrabble Whore’.
Its not what you had in mind, but it keeps us out of the bars, off drugs, and drives our husbands out of their fucking minds. A win-win all around.
Chariot races reborn as unlimited-class demolition derby! Demolition races on the figure-eight track and of course demolition motorcycle full-contact polo!
