Yesterday started as many other days.
I’m sitting at my desk mid-morning when I hear the call of nature. (ok I didn’t hear it so much as feel it, you know what I mean) Two cups of coffee and 16 oz of water (must stay hydrated) and I’m heading with no small amount of haste to the ladies room. I release the excess liquid that has built up inside my body and stop by the sink area to wash up before leaving. As I’m soaping up I glance up at my reflection in the mirror. This is important as I am a bit of a messy eater and it’s not unusual for me to find bits of food from breakfast still stuck to my face somewhere. How is it I don’t feel these things? Is my face devoid of nerve endings? No, it is not, not at all as I shall soon find out.
Where were we? Oh, yes, I’m glancing up in the mirror while washing up and what do I spy? Not bits of oatmeal stuck to my chin, no, something even worse, something almost too horrible to comprehend. A whisker! And not a small whisker, no sirree, this sucker was at least ¼” long and, to add insult to injury, it was white. Not blonde, white, as in devoid of color, as in “the old grey mare ain’t what she used to be”. I’m horrified. I’m aghast.
I finish washing and dry my hands, stepping back from the mirror a couple of feet and hoping that it isn’t all that visible from a distance. No such luck. It is apparently luminescent. I know not what light source shines within but this thing is like a beacon. I feel like I could guide ships in to the shore. Move over Rudolph, Santa’s got a new helper.
Fine, I grab the offending hair between thumb and forefinger applying as much fingernail as I can hoping to form a human tweezer and pluck it out as it does offend me. No, this does not work. It hurts, yes, pulling hurts but no, my little beacon of womanhood is still shining like the bright morning sun.
The day progresses and I let the thought of the glowing whisker fall to the back of my mind. I ignore my co-workers who are donning sunglasses in my presence and console myself that they’re trying to be cool, not shield their eyes from the super nova on my chinny chin chin. I try not to think about it too much and thank various icons and deities that I don’t have any meetings today and I’m mostly just sitting in my cubicle in the far back corner of the office (is this why they put me here, because I’m causing a glare?)
On my commute home I debate stopping at the grocery store for ingredients for dinner. This is when the knowledge of the whisker comes back to the forefront of my brain. I’ll be in public, people will see, children will be scarred for life (won’t someone think of the children?). I decide to give it another look. At a traffic light I plant my feet firmly in the floor of my van, lift my butt a couple of inches off the seat and crane my head slightly to the right so I can look at myself in the mirror without adjusting it.
There it is, in all its glory but it is small and meek compared to the three (yes, I counted three) longer and much darker hairs growing just to the left of the Luminous Wonder Whisker. I guess the little one had to glow to make up in visibility what it lacked in size compared to its neighbors. HOLY SHIT! I’m now freaking out and grab my purse from which I extract my powder compact with the little mirror. I’m still at the traffic light. I focus the mirror on my chin and take a long hard look.
Nothing. I can see nothing in the mirror. I move my face around to catch the light. Adjust my glasses so that I’m looking through the strongest part of the progressive bi-focal. Nothing. I can only see the LWW, the long, sinister, dark whiskers to the left have disappeared.
Again I plant my feet firmly on the floor, lift my butt a couple of inches off the seat and crane my head slightly to the right so I can look at myself in the mirror. There they are. HOLY SHIT! The LWW is accompanied by the Invisible Stealth Whiskers.
Question is, when do they decloak? Can other people see them? I am horrified and cancel my plans for the grocery store and head directly home to tweeze.
And tweeze I do but I can’t see. The ISW are illusive. I do the best I can by feel but in my heart I know they’re there, taunting me, waiting for me. I know now what must be done. I know that there is only one answer.