Iran bans Western music. Possible retaliations considered.

Here’s the lead sentence from a current Associated Press brief:

Lest we think ol’ Ahmadinejad has a thing against Hank Williams (Sr., Jr. or III), the rest of the story makes clear that the ban is against all rock, country, blues, and — for all we know at this stage — classical music, because it is “un-Islamic.”

I think it’s time to unleash our own WMD (Weapons of Musical Destruction).

As a first step, we could ship ex-members of The Who, Led Zeppelin, and other storied bands, on “goodwill tours” to destroy hotel rooms, but I’m thinking of more serious matters, here: Air drops of iPod Nanos preloaded with nihilistic, anti-authority rock songs. (I leave the composition of a playlist as an exercise for the student, but suggest that John Mellencamp’s “Question Authority,” The Crystals’ “He’s a Rebel,” and Beastie Boys’ “Fight For Your Right to Party,” might be a starting nucleus.)

From there, we could threaten to deploy AWACS planes refitted as transmitters, beaming out KISS videos…

Any suggestions for tactics or strategy would be welcome

Rigging the AWACS into a flying pirate radio station would hardly be necessary, as the Air Force already employs the EC-130 Commando Solo for that purpose.

That said, I’d also throw in the Hava Nagila as performed by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, so not only is it punk rock, but it’s also Jewish! ;j

If they don’t come around, we can punish them by broadcasting the Feliz Navidad, but I’d save that as a weapon of last resort, lest we accidentally whip them into a fighting frenzy against us for using such a thing against them (and we’d probably deserve it).

I think we should ship Britney Spears, a reunited Back Street Boys, NSYNC, and all the other talentless hacks (except Ashlee Simpson, if she agrees to dye her black, otherwise off to Iran with her), that way, no matter what the outcome we win! :smiley: Sending the likes of the surviving members of Led Zepp, isn’t a good idea, IMHO, since the Iranians having the annoying habit of killing people they don’t like, and ol’ Bob’s getting up there in years and might not be able to put on a life saving show if he needed to.

I am sure that Canada could release Paul Anka, Celine Dion, William Shatner, etc, to this effort.

No man, we need Johnny Rotten! Johnny Rotten vs Mahmoud! I’d pay to watch!

I think we should make “Rock the Casbah” the theme song.

Would merely threatening to use an endless loop of “Achy, Breaky Heart” contravene the Geneva Conventions?

Come to think of it, Rotten is now about as threatening as Santa Claus. And Strummer died two years ago, so that leaves out “Rock the Casbah.”

We could drop Keith Richards on them. I mean, that man is so scary looking that there are rumors he’s been a zombie for the past 30 years. He could go to Iran looking for some fresh blood…

I wonder if we could just wait for Ahmedinejad to come to his senses by himself. I mean, some days I put the radio on and I feel the same way.

Failing that, I say we send Kelly Osborne over there. It’s another no-lose situation.


Terrific OP! I give it a 9.5. It would’ve been a 10, but… Mellencamp?

On the topic at hand, I suggest we send over the following:

[li]Anyone who performed at Woodstock and is still alive. Military propaganda notwithstanding, these are clearly the toughest mofos in the world.[/li][li]The Oak Ridge Boys. Just from the name, you know these guys carry shovels around all the time, “just in case.”[/li][li]Ted Nugent.[/li][li]They Might Be Giants. No, I’m serious. Senor Ahmedinejad will be so confounded trying to sort out the levels of detachment that he’ll forget all about hardline Islam. (“Was that ironic sarcasm, or pointed omission? Hey, where am I?”)[/li][li]Tom Waits and Iggy Pop, as the Search-and-Rescue Commando Unit. These guys can live for weeks on nothing but tree-bark and rage.[/li][/ul]
I’m sure you’re asking at this point, “jackelope*, I’m neither Tom Waits nor Iggy Pop; what can I do here on the homefront?”

Well, I’m glad you asked, Timmy. There is one major sacrifice we ask of all right-thinking Americans. It’s a retaliatory gesture, and we know it will mean a major intrusion on your regular activities, but nonetheless, we are asking you, the average American, to help show Ahmedinejad exactly how stout-hearted we Americans are:

We ask that you refrain from listening to Iranian music.

There, there, please stop your sobbing now. Ere long, this national crisis will be over, and you can go back to your Lily Afshar and, um, all the others.

Until then, stay strong.

*Is it self-aggrandizing to bold one’s own username?

Good. There is no way that this cannot backfire against the hardliners in Iran. I doubt the public will respond with joy saying ‘yay, the president is taking away our rights’. Iran has a disgruntled, educated & young middle class and this will turn them off of Iranian religious fanaticism even more.

The news stories are also noting that Kenny G is among the artists who will be affected by this ban, since his… stuff is sometimes played on state broadcasts over there. Perhaps we shouldn’t rush to condemn this?

I love it. CNN’s story on this issue is accompanied by a poll. Of the artists mentioned in the story – those whose music gets a lot of airplay in Iran – they ask who you would ban. Right now Kenny G is the runaway favorite.

And damn, jackelope, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read all month. Thanks for brightening my morning.

I know, I know. It was late, and it was the only song I could think of with “authority” in the title. But when I checked the lyrics just now, he sings “I fight authority, authority always wins.” So it doesn’t even hold up lyrically. Please disregard that portion of the OP.

And, if I may be so bold as to bold your name,jackelope, that was indeed the inspired sort of post that humble OPers hope for every time. Bravo

Wow, I should post drunk more often.

Is Cat Stevens affected or does he get a pass?

He said retaliate, not bring on Armageddon.

You do realize that there’s a number of nutjobs out there who are pulling for Armageddon? We might be able to sucker them into funding this little operation. . .

Or, if Achy Breaky Heart is unavailable, what about “Tip Toe Thru’ the Tulips With Me” for the rotation?