Dateline: Tuscaloosa, Alabama
November 18, 2006
Once again, a scientific approach and intelligence have prevailed over ignorance and superstition: Auburn 22, Alabama 15.
Tic-tac-toe, [del]three[/del], [del]four[/del], FIVE in a row. Bammer gets the thumb!
Hey Zoe, gimme’ FIVE, Girl! OK, any other Auburn fans here can give me FIVE as well, but Zoe is my main co-fan here.
Goddamn, that was GOOD! Had to break out my bottle of Maker’s Mark and have a little toast to celebrate.
WAR EAGLE!
This is some kind of sports thing, isn’t it? 
You can’t hide behind your nationality here! I too have no freakin’ idea what the OP is talking about.
Auburn is a university in Alabama I believe. Alabama is a state, but probably has a university of the same name, so maybe Auburn U played U of Alabama, and one of them did something to the others thumb with an iron bowl.
Weird.
I believe he’s referring to the “iron rice bowl” concept, which refers to a system of guaranteed lifetime employment in state enterprises. Whether he’s for or or against it awaits further elucidation.
He might be comparing the relative IQ levels of students on each campus.
Opinion: This is obviously some type of cypher.
Note the sentence:
This is a reference calling us to take the ‘scientific approach’ and use our 'intelligence to solve the riddle. (Ignorance and superstition won’t help us. Neither will Og.)
Next we have:
Now, anyone knows you can’t get five in a row playing Tic Tac Toe, so this must be a clue to find the key to the cypher. Something to do with a Bummer. Excuse me, make that ‘Bammer’. (Only Asclepius [an obscure greek god - Ed.] knows what a ‘Bammer’ is …)
Now, we have the word “five” appearing in all caps three times, once on one ‘row’, the twice on the next. Since this appears to be a fraction (5/55) this must be intended to be converted to its decimal form and then multiply the result (0.9090909… a totally irrational number) by 11 (November) then divide that result by 18 (day), then divide that result by 2006 (year). This will yield the location, title and page number of the ‘key’ book in the Library of Congress. (Or maybe some library in Ohio? Don’t know - ain’t much good with maps.)
The rest is easy. (Or not …) We must simply take the two crossed out numbers and multiply them by 42. (The Utimate Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. Thanks Doug. I just knew that would come in handy some day …*)
We then simply multiply (or divide) the product by the two remaining numbers 22, 15 (Note: this operation is also totally irrational. Honest - I’m just guessing here). This will yield the page and paragraph numbers in the book.
“Maker’s Mark” must be an anagram that will reveal the chemical to which we must apply heat to reveal the Ultimate Question.
WAR EAGLE is obviously an anagram of what it is that Zoe should actually be looking for (I ain’t no good with anagrams, either!)
(Where is that damn Benjamin Franklin Gates when ya really need him, anyway?)
Lucy
*(and I offer my most sincere apologies to Douglas Adams …)
The ‘iron rice bowl’ was my first thought as well (I studied the French, Chinese, Russian and American Revolutions in grade 10), but on reading the OP, got confused. I do know that sports often causes people to go all tribal, but could the OP be a coded reference to the Cultural Revolution of the 1960s? There weren’t many social movements more tribal that that.
Is John Carter of Mars a closet Maoist?
Got it right off! Yes indeed a sports thing. Sort of like a poor man’s Curling, if I may.
Those of us that live in the less fortunate latitudes don’t have ponds and rivers that freeze over so we are reduced to following American college football. 'Tis nothing when compared with the thrills of cross country skiing, but we must make do with what little we have.
As for the rest of you, you are truly delightful! Maybe Zoe will happen by and explain the many mysteries that have thus far confounded your collective intellects. 
I do wish a small number of the Alabama fans had taken the loss more gracefully. Throwing glass liquor bottles and full water bottles at the Auburn players as they left the field was a very poor show. One of the Auburn players got hit in the eye with a full water bottle. It’s a game, folks.
Relative IQ levels? More like total IQ levels. In Alabama, the theory of ‘relativity’ states:
John,
You know what you can do with that thumb, don’t ya?
Roll Tide, baby.
Bean
Here’s what I’ll do with that thumb, just for you: Thursday I’ll stick that thumb in a warm punkin pie and lick it off. Ah, the sweet taste of…victory!
Hey, since you’re a fellow doper and alla that I’ll give you a little heads-up. Now that The Thumb is in the books a new slogan has been developed to be used until after next year’s game.
I don’t want to give too much away prematurely but here’s a hint: Be prepared to see and hear the word “Hexaphobia” more in the coming year than you have encountered it in your previous time on this earth.
Yo Doctor Jackson: I took this meteorology course at Auburn and they explained that the reason the wind blows across Alabama from west to east is that Georgia sucks. Anything to that?
Is that the same meteorology class which determined that the last tornado to hit Alabama caused $100 million in improvements?
Actually, I should mention that, as a fan of the Georgia Institute of Technology (Go Jackets!), I have no “dawg” in any SEC rivalry. I do love to watch the Iron Bowl every year, though, and I was glad to see Auburn win this one.
That said, I shall pass up no opportunity to make fun of Alabama and its inhabitants.
A primer:
The Iron Bowl (the name for the annual meeting between the football teams of the University of Alabama Crimson Tide and the Auburn University Tigers) is named after the stadium in Birmingham, Alabama (Legion Field – Birmingham was at one time like it’s namesake in England, a steel town) where the game was once played (the game now rotates between each school’s stadium) and is considered by many to be the greatest college football rivalry – period.
The thumb (or, "fear the thumb’) refers to the fifth straight victory for Auburn (when Americans count to five by hand, the thumb is the last digit extended)
‘War Eagle’ is Auburn’s rallying cry as well as one of their mascots.
Maker’s Mark is semi high end bourbon whiskey.
Congratulations, JC. You’re the only Auburn fan I know (if I can say that) and I know no Bammers, so: I’m happy for you. As I recall, the outcome was in considerable doubt for a while, right?
Our rivalry game is not for another 10 days. Depressing times for Cal fans…in the space of 2 weeks we’ve gone from nat’l champion contenders, to possible Rose Bowl, to the Holiday Bowl. Fortunately, in 10 days we get to stomp the living crap out of Stanfurd for the 5th year in a row.
(This 12-game schedule has disrupted the natural progression of the seasons. Everyone knows that Thanksgiving is 5 days after the Big Game…except this year. Feels very strange.)
I had no idea. Are you an alumnus of the North Avenue Trade School in Etlanner?
GO DAWGS!!!
Considered by many what? Apparently only folks in Alabama care because the rest of the country was watching Ohio State vs Michigan.
sportswriters , people
I just wanted to say that “Iron Bowl” sounds like an entry for the Best Foreign Film Award at Cannes.