Why worry about or look for things to road-block your way that don’t need to be there?
The real questions have always been: Do they get along? Do they find each other attractive? Is there chemistry between them? Three “yes” answers and they both can tell the whole wide world to Go Jump.
Since it’s IMHO it’s anecdote time.
I don’t want to sound as though I’m tooting my own horn, but my friends agree that I’m “the smarter one” in my marriage (I am female, in a regular male-female marriage). I’ve always tried to downplay it because I don’t like to think of anyone as “dumb” (I think usually it’s more of an incompatibility with teaching styles than an actual lack of brainpower), but anyway.
As it turns out I’m the go out and get’er, and he’s the one that hangs behind and takes orders. We came down to a sort of agreement early on in the relationship - I handled getting us money, he handled making us happy. So he plays the “dutiful housewife” and greets me every day when I get home like it’s the greatest thing (it probably is, considering his personality). He does all the sad noises and it’s-okays when I felt a little overwhelmed. His personality is such that all he wants is to emotionally fulfill someone else, and in doing so that fulfills him. I guess you’d call it nurturing. We’re kind of opposites in the “gender stereotypes” department.
Every now and then we have an intellectual disconnect in a conversation - to be frank, he can’t comprehensively explain ANYthing. He muddles it all up and gets everything out of order and explains something wrong because he comprehended it wrong in the first place. He’ll take 10 minutes to explain something that could take 1 minute. Sometimes it ticks me off but for the most part now when he needs to explain a concept to me before we can talk about it, he usually hands me the wiki page to read and after that we talk. That’s pretty much the only time in which we have any problems. When we both know the subject of our conversation already then we don’t usually have many issues talking about our opinions on it.
We match like a yin-yang more than anything. We’re not totally opposites, but where we are opposites we each have something that fills in the gap the other person has. I’d definitely never call him dumb, but he struggled with advanced math and other academic pursuits much more than I, though we both have bachelor’s. He’s curious and likes to learn things though, which I think is important. If he wasn’t, I imagine we’d not get along as well despite the personality match. I don’t put much on wit because I’m not an on-my-feet thinker - I am not witty in the least. So neither of us has any interest in witty conversations and that wasn’t a “criteria” we wanted in a partner. So neither of us feels dumb there, thankfully! I actually really, really hate feeling dumb, because it feels like something I’ve personally done wrong. A witty person would probably do that to me without meaning to.
TL;DR: I think personality, chemistry, and fulfillment is much more important in a relationship than intelligence matching. However, contempt or jealousy can ruin everything.
What I have seen if there is relationship were one is smarter than the other, often the “smarter”( or more book smart) person talks down to the “dumber” person. For example my friend Z is a social butterfly, street smart ,and very kind. She dated a boy who was extremely intelligent and more academically inclined hence he was considered “the smart one”. The problem was that he would talk in condescending fashion to her make feel dumb and insecure . There are people, who pick out a mate that is dumber than are since they want to feel superior to their significant other hence they pick out a mate that is “dumber”. While some people want someone with the same educational level or a person. Sometimes there a couples that are intelligence but they intelligent in different areas so that they balance each other out. EG One partner is excellent with Math while his/her partner is an excels in history or languages.that can carry on an intelligent conversation. It really depends on what a person wants in a relationship.
Though, nothing makes me smile more when a man asks me “Franz Boas or Bronislaw Malinowski”
My wife says No, but when she tried to explain why I didn’t understand her.
Regards,
Shodan
I think any combination of traits can work for some couple out there somewhere. However, I would classify intellectual compatibility as a very important factor. I personally can’t imagine marrying a man significantly smarter or dumber than myself.
My IQ is in the high 120s last time it was tested. I’m no genius, but I have experienced friendships with people who have much lower IQs. In a casual friendship, this is fine - we can discuss our kids, or a shared interest (in my case skiing), or some other commonality. And even with these casual friends, it gets frustrating when they don’t understand something I’m talking about, even with careful explanation. I don’t mean lack of knowledge on a given topic - we all have weak areas - but just not understanding something that seems obvious, even with explanation.
In a romantic relationship, the stakes obviously go up. I need real conversation, exchange of ideas, shared interest in learning about a wide variety of subjects, etc. To me, this is of utmost importance - the shared give and take of a conversation exploring the depths of our understanding of an issue. I have friends, but I still expect what is, for me, a primary need to be met by my partner. Anything else feels like the relationship is lacking the closeness and true partnership that marriage entails. YMMV, of course.
I’ve also been around plenty of very, very smart people. I love talking and learning from them, but if these 150s+ get a bit frustrated with me the way I do with the 90s, then I can’t see it working long-term. Their frustration would show, and I’d get offended or annoyed, yadda yadda yadda.
Seems very likely to me that some number of very high IQ women will prefer mates that are of average intelligence than ones who are closer in intelligence, but not quite as high.
It’s like height, in a way. Should a woman who is 6’2" care that she’s taller than most guys she would date? This may be why a lot of really tall women date actually rather short men. The average height or taller men feel bothered by her being taller than them. The short ones are used to basing their self esteem on something other than height, so they don’t mind.
She could look through the few men she met who were taller/more intelligent than her and try to find someone compatible - and that would work out fine if she did - or she could look primarily for the other traits, plus not minding that she is taller/more intelligent.
I know a couple where the woman (who I used to date) has a Master’s degree and while I do too, it never worked out between us. She ended up marrying a guy who is a graphic artist with a high school education. He has a mediocre job and she stopped working to raise their kids, which always struck me as strange since she brought home a far bigger paycheck, but that’s what they wanted in life. They seem very happy and have been together for about 15 years now, so more power to them. I married a woman with a Bachelor’s degree, but she is an intellectual equal to me, though she regularly tells me she thinks I am smarter than her.
I have average intelligence and am married to a man with an IQ of about 150, and it’s been a continual source of misery. I get told I’m an idiot 20 times a day, and get little help when I need it. When I was seriously ill some time back, he neglected me completely.
My husband sticks with me because I do the housework, yard work and errand-running. When he’s sick or just getting an exam, I go with him to the doctor or visit him in the hospital. When he dates other women, I put up little resistance. He’s highly regarded in the community and a lot of strangers assume he’s a college professor while they usually don’t seem to notice me at all. What’s even more frustrating is that we live in a community with one of the highest percentages of Ph.D.'s in the country, and it’s been years since I’ve met anyone compatible. We don’t have any children, which I think is a good thing since I’d have been in over my head while he stood to the side and complained.
Going to social media hasn’t helped: I compulsively seek others far more intelligent than I am, and get ignored, patronized or treated with open contempt. Loneliness seems to be inevitable.
I would say that the problem here is not that your husband is smarter than you, but that he acts like an arrogant asshole. A person can be smarter than their spouse without being obnoxious and unkind about it.
Why would being smart give anyone the right to insult another person? You’re smarter than certain other people yet you don’t call them idiots, right?
It sounds to me like the real problem may be that for some reason you are attracted to narcissists. I am not saying that as a criticism of you - some of us do have preferences in mates that really aren’t healthy for us.
Even if your husband is not willing to consider going to a marriage counselor, I would strongly recommend getting in to see a therapist by yourself to help yourself gain some insight into why that is.
It can be an obstacle, but it completely depends on the people involved.
First, intelligence and education level are two very different things. Second, people value different things. If you value education, and your partner doesn’t have much of it, that could cause a rift down the road. Likewise with intelligence.
But again, it completely depends on the people involved and what other traits they have. There are some combos that just aren’t going to work. Stubborn + Idiot isn’t likely to mesh well with Stubborn + Intelligent, for example. It might not seem like a big deal at the start of a relationship, but oh man is it going to be a source of resentment down the road.
“She thought I knew a lot because I knew different things from her.” (“The Great Gatsby”)
I’ve noticed that the smart, educated, witty guys I’ve known have all married a) “basic bitches”, or b) women who are less educated and less smart than they are.
I think it’s because most smart, educated, witty guys don’t want to have to deal with someone as smart as they are all the time. I hate to say it, and yes, I know there are (and I was engaged to one) exceptions.
I think guys look for women who will be supportive. Sometimes the really smart woman doesn’t come off that way, or men think that’s she’ll be too busy with her own life. Or to quote my ex, “Well, you didn’t ***need ***me.”
I’ve known some smart women who have married less-educated men, but I never thought of any of them as dumb. However, the women who’ve done this are regular smart, not talking about thermodynamics at breakfast smart.
And actually, all of this is why I don’t like dating. Maybe when I date, I should mention Pinterest to offset the use of long words.
intelligence can be compensated by other traits; however, intellectual curious people of any intelligence level have to be married to other intellectually curious people or misery ensues.
Double zombies don’t give a shit how smart you are…they just want BBBBRRRRRAAAAIIINNNSSSS!!!
I’m suddenly so happy to come from a culture where spouses are expected to want, not need, each other… Every time one of my exes would say something along the lines of “I couldn’t live without you”, I wanted to run away screaming (the best one didn’t, it was one of his good traits). Is it really supposed to be positive, having a partner who needs you while not being hospital-admittance-now sick?
Having tested this recently, I heartily concur.
I know this is an old subject, but wanted to tell you I agree; having learned it the hard way.
I am currently married to a man who is probably just a hair above being an imbecile, and am so unhappy. At first I thought it was because he was from another country that he didn’t understand my wit/humor/jokes; but as time went on I discovered that it’s because he’s totally brain-dead. The trouble is, that he loves me to bits and I’ve never had that in my life before, so I’ve been trying to deal with the difficulties. At the moment I’ve been telling him I want a divorce, but he keeps rehashing everything out, then hugs me and tells me everything will get better. Then I feel guilty and responsible for him because he IS so stupid he can barely take care of himself! I don’t know what to do and I can’t just up and leave him until we sell our home - which has taken over 3 1/2 years and still no buyers. So I’m stuck with a “stupid idiot” which has pretty much been my nickname for him (not that he knows it, of course) for our entire marriage.
The fact that it took you years into a marriage to figure this out, one might argue that you two don’t have the disparity that you think exists.
I am married to an idiot and can attest to what you said and the answer is YES, I do feel very lonely in a relationship with a dimwit. He cannot comprehend anything I’m telling him unless he nods and agrees (and I can tell he hasn’t got a clue). My jokes & references go right over his head, and I am so frustrated and unhappy I cannot tell you.
The only thing that has kept our marriage going is that I made a promise to this guy; he loves & takes good care of me the best he knows how to; and even if he’s a dumb as a box of rocks it’s hard to find somebody in this world who will love you like that. So I’ve stayed; unhappy, but stayed. I want to divorce him and have told him so over & over again, but he keeps hugging me and telling me everything will be OK and then I feel sorry for him. Ugh.
Does he keep posting the same basic message over and over without responding to others?