It’s something I’ve debated from time to time. When a couple is dating/married or seriously involved, what major differences do you think are most/least likely to interfere with the relationship’s success? Some choices/examples:
Age difference- let’s define significant as more than 15 years
IQ difference- one partner is a helluva lot more intelligent than the other
Socioeconomic backgrounds- one’s from a well to do family, the other from a poor one
Cultural- from different nationalities (low-grade would be the difference in NYC-smalltown Iowa; mid-grade would be Germany-smalltown Iowa; high-grade would be Saigon-smalltown Iowa)
Appearance- one partner’s gorgeous, the other not at all
Personality- one’s very outgoing, the other not at all
Religion- one’s very religious, the other’s irreligious
Which of these (or use your own) do you think are most and least likely to cause major problems in a long-term relationship?
Age and cultural differences seem to be the biggest roadblocks. I’ve known couples who exhibited all the other differences you listed and it seems to have very little effect on their relationship, if it doesn’t in fact enhance it - particularly the outgoing/introvert combo. My parents are this way - my mother is very talkative and was kind of the self-appointed social ambassador of the family. I think it made her feel useful, as my dad is pretty shy and not so great at dealing with people. He’s an engineer.
I agree with Rigamarole and would add attitudes about religion. If neither is very religious but from different sects, not that big a deal; but if one is very devout and the other isn’t; or if the are both devout, but from different religions, I think it can be a huge source of (unresolvable) conflict.
Call me cynical, but I suspect that when radically opposite relationships like these do work, it’s because one partner - typically the female, but not always - is giving out most of the slack, and doing a lot of deferring and adjusting to the other. It’s not so likely because they meet each other half way on all things, or even many things. Love makes demands, and those demands aren’t always fair and negotiable.
Nothing in the OP matters really other than religiosity.
The crucial problems involve differing attitudes to:
religion
sex
money/work
children/child raising
personal recreational abuse (mind altering substances)
And it is attitudes that matter. Differing tastes can be tolerated but in all these matters direct opposition is the kiss of death. Either you both like to get it on or neither of you does. You both want to become Amway distributors or neither can be bothered. Well you get the idea…
Sexual incompatibility. If one mate wants sex five times a week and the other only wants it once a week, it’s going to lead to friction. Or not, which is actually the problem.
Money, specifically spending/saving habits. If one mate is a total spendthrift and the other a total skinflint, it’s going to make things very hard even if the finances are ostensibly “separate.”
My father once told me, “Son, there are two things that can wreck any marriage; money and sex.” From what I can tell, he was right.
My wife and I are different in many ways; we have very different intellectual interests, different personalities, we were reasonably far apart in age though not 15 years apart, different religions though not devout. I was from an upper middle class family, she grew up dirt poor. As near as I can tell none of those things ever caused the slightest bit of friction.
We’re 11 years apart. Not too bad, as we’ve known each other and have run in the same circles for 30+ years.
This isn’t a problem as long as there is a shared quest for knowledge.
This has been a small problem, in that he cannot understand spending a lot of money on a restaurant excursion, where I see no problem with it if we can afford it and it’s not a regular occurrence.
We are pretty close in this regard. His parents moved from Chicago to the same suburb my parents moved to. Two blocks apart. And they didn’t know each other.
I’ve never seen this as an issue in any physically “mismatched” couple.
This is our biggest problem. I’m very outgoing and he’s a homebody. He lacks an adventurous streak. I acquiesce frequently on this issue. I would like to do things with him, but I usually end up going out with his ex-wife.
Not an issue for us, though I am more likely to get into a discussion about my ideas about religion than he is.
I tend to agree with this. It’s not so much what differences exist but how each person deals with those differences.
Religion can be huge or not matter at all. Take for example this older couple who lives near me. The husband is 83 and the wife is 82; they were married when he was 18 and she was 17–all their family members and friends said at the time that they were making a mistake and the marriage would never work.
Well, over 60 years later they’re still together. The wife is very devout and involved in her local church, she goes to church every Wednesday and two times on Sunday. He hasn’t stepped in a church in over 50 years, his opinion on God is basically, “maybe he exists, maybe he doesn’t, either way I don’t think going to Church will make a difference in my life one way or another.” She seems fine with that, he drives her to Church and picks her up, since she doesn’t (and has never) drove. Something like that could be a huge problem for the couple if the religious one was constantly pressing the other to go to Church and et cetera, but that isn’t how it has to be.
Another one of my neighbors is a Mormon family, and while they are extremely polite I just do not get the impression that either one of them would have been able to marry someone who wasn’t a Mormon (or wasn’t willing to convert) and wouldn’t tolerate someone who didn’t take their faith seriously.
For one thing, they accentuate the power imbalance between the sexes. For another thing, they’re very likely to bring societal norms into the space two people should share. Being a man and being a woman are different enough already without going across the generations.
Most of the things in the OP are really about differences in expectations, and these are hard to overcome: many of our expectations for a spouse/marriage/family life are so deeply ingrained and seem so automatic that we don’t really communicate them. It’s just “well, duh, we tithe 10% to the church” or “well, duh, we will have kids someday” or 'well, duh, we will have sex every day" or “well, duh, when I am sick you will leave me alone” or “well, duh, when I am sick I get to be pampered”.
When these sort of ingrained expectations are not shared, we feel betrayed. It can be overcome by lots of long boring talks about your relationship, but it can lead to some rough times, and some people never get past it.
I think this is a VERY serious problem for the relationship IF one of the partners is still very young (teens or early 20s). After that, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything if the couple agrees about stuff like having kids that often is age-dependent.
I think “Smart guy, stupid woman” couples can work, but “Stupid guy, smart woman” couples are very unlikely to work out (I don’t have enough experience with gay couples to know how that would change things ).
I don’t think most guys make “intellectual stimulation” their #1 priority in finding a mate. I suspect a lot of guys would not mind being with a stupid woman if she makes up for it by being good-looking, taking good care of the house/kids, etc. Due to the whole male pride/ego thing, I suspect some might even prefer it over being with a woman who can outsmart them.
On the other hand, since most women still kind of expect their dude to be a “provider” to some degree (even rich women often want guys who make at least as much if not more), I think most women would find it distressing to be with a stupid guy who might be at risk of trading the family’s savings for some magic beans.
I don’t think this matters much. In this culture, I think there is enough class mobility that people aren’t necessarily going to be all that different just because one grew up rich and the other poor.
This could be a bit of a problem if one person gives up everything to be with the other person, but I don’t think it’s anything insurmountable in most cases.
This is a very big problem in a “Pretty man, ugly woman” couple but probably not relevant in a “Pretty woman, ugly man” couple.
Not necessarily a problem. Sometimes the opposites bring out the best in each other.
This can be a very big problem if one wants to convert the other, but may not be relevant at all for people who are “live and let live” types (I’ve been in these kinds of relationships myself)
On the religious difference: it depends what you mean by “irreligious”.
If you mean “pretty much indifferent to religion”, then they can do OK with a religious partner as long as the religious partner isn’t the type to pressure them to go to church and the like. They can even do well with a non-pushy partner of a different religion than the one they grew up in.
Now, if you mean “strongly opposed to religion in general”, well, let’s just say I couldn’t see Der Trihs, for example, making a success of a relationship with a religious person.
Where you can really get trouble, religion-wise, is when you have two people who are both very religious but in different religions or traditions.
But if you are in a relationship with someone who you know going in isn’t like you, some of those expectations come out more explicitly, instead of just assuming that, since your partner seems to be like you, they must think the same about those things.
Sure - because many people have ingrained ideas on age in relationships and have a difficult time accepting anyone who is of an age outside their acceptable “range”, for whatever reason - societal norms, perceived maturity, etc.
Personally, I think as long as the emotional maturity is there and roughly similar between partners it can work. I would be open to a relationship with a woman of any (legal) age - but if you read over some personals you will quickly see that most are very specific about what ages they are looking for. And I have been blown off multiple times with my age cited as the reason.
I ask because both of my marriages have been to much older men. The first was twenty years older and the current husband is a mere nineteen years my senior. I think Rig is right when he specifies emotional maturity. My first husband was extremely immature (I know, I’m biased, but trust me).
As for the power imbalance, which way does it go? On the one hand, my husband has so much more life experience and financial stability than I. On the other hand, maybe a purty lil’ ol’ thing such as myself could have her choice of all the hot young studmuffins. Who’s got the upper hand here?
I’ve thought about this sort of thing: which would be the hardest? Religion, Politics, or Food. I’ve decided that food would be the hardest, and politics the easiest. I could overlook someone being an outspoken liberal if we could agree to disagree, but I’d make a vegan miserable and vise versa. Religion…well, I’d prefer an atheist to a Catholic, but I think anywhere along the continuum could work okay with my vaguely Christian leanings.
As for the OP’s examples: Age difference- let’s define significant as more than 15 years I think in general it could work out. Now personally, I’m not interested in men that much older and I’d go to jail for having a relationship with someone more than 15 years younger than me, but if the parties are both 18+ it could work out. I don’t think it would in most cases, but it definitely could with the right people.
IQ difference- one partner is a helluva lot more intelligent than the other I think this would be very difficult. People don’t need to be with their intellectual equals, but I don’t think the extremes can be too extreme before someone is really unhappy.
Socioeconomic backgrounds- one’s from a well to do family, the other from a poor one In order for this to work, they’d have to both be very practical people.
Cultural- from different nationalities (low-grade would be the difference in NYC-smalltown Iowa; mid-grade would be Germany-smalltown Iowa; high-grade would be Saigon-smalltown Iowa) They say opposites attract, right? At least they’d have something to talk about.
Appearance- one partner’s gorgeous, the other not at all This is pretty rare, isn’t it? Enough so we notice? I know there was a theory we discussed in intro to psych that explains that people are usually attracted to people about as attractive as they are.
Personality- one’s very outgoing, the other not at all I don’t see these people hooking up at all, since they’d probably drive each other batty from the get-go. Emily Dickinson and Carrot Top just wouldn’t make it.
Being a cynic (I warned ya), I’d say power belongs to those who use it and get away with doing so. You can sleep around. In turn, he can smash your grandmother’s china.
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