I am not a doctor, or psychiatrist, but I believe (as do my parents) that at one time in my life I had what my parents call “anorexia nervosa” I’m not certain if it actually was this, and I was not treated for it. Let me tell you the circumstances that lead up to its onset and then “remission”.
At age 17 I was raped by the person I was dating at the time, I told him “No” more than once, but he lived out in the country, and I had no way of getting away from him. He forced himself on me. (He was 34 years old at the time. He was a predator, and deliberately damaged my relationship with my parents enough so that I would take his word over theirs. I did what I had to do. I faked an orgasm, and then got dressed, and he drove me to work. I got a ride home from someone else and never went out with him again.
Thing is, I blamed myself because I had a headache that afternoon from school stress. I took his suggestion at face value and went to lie down on his bed for a nap. (He had already asked for sex, but I said I felt too ill.) I blamed myself because I did not lie down on the couch. I thought it was my fault for trusting him, that somehow I was supposed to be supra human and “know” he was not to be trusted. I thought I had failed myself.
I could not tell anyone about this shame. My mother was very ill, and I felt my friends might tell my parents. I did not want to add to my mother’s burden with the weight of my own secret. I wanted to die. I lost the desire to eat. I blamed, blamed, blamed. I ran over and over the whole relationship in my mind, and tried to see what I missed. Finally, I decided I wanted to die, that I failed myself, and would do it again, and so I decided not to risk that happening anymore.
I did it slowly. I slowly ate less and less, so mom would not notice. I was very active then, I don’t know now how my body did the things that it did at that time.
Over the period of a year, I lost so much weight my mom brought me to the doctor about it. (Yes, I still obeyed her, and respected her. She wanted me to go find out what was wrong, so I went.) I lost so much weight the doctor told me if I lost another pound he was going to put me in the hospital with an I.V. in my arm. I weighed about 98 pounds, down from a very atheletic 130. I’m five feet four inches tall. I never did get to the point that I would eat nothing, but I ate very little, and most of it was quick burning food like carbohydrates and fruits. (The doctor at the time told me I was not to weigh any less then 135 pounds, that this was my ideal healthy weight. I was an athelete, muscle weighs more.)
My parents chalked it all up to “stress” in general, and decided I was overwrought. They tried to help me, but they weren’t the ones in the end that could “save” me. Only I could do that. I hurt so much, but I did not tell them. It would have broken my dad’s heart to hear of my pain, and very possibly killed my mother. She’s a worrier, and it does affect her health.
Somehow my body continued living, and day by day I found small things to give a positive spark. A white rose, a lightening storm, my little brother’s fireworks display, music of all kinds. Continuing to live day by day finally soaked in. (I had to try to appear “normal” and so I could not shut myself away from the world, this is what saved me.)
I finally began to see, that I was only human. That this was not a “fatal flaw” that could only bring me pain. I began to want to learn again, dance again, eat a candy bar etc. I pulled out of it through “chance” or “unconditional love” which was offered to me. I know I am very fortunate to have survived this, and I think it somehow made me stronger.
I know that most people need intensive therapy to recover from this. I can’y give directly factual answers to your questions, but I can bring a little more understanding to you about why it happens.
Incidentally, I’m 20 pounds overweight now, and am increasing my activity and cutting down on soda so I can lose it. Now I eat if I’m stressed/depressed. I’m not certain, but I believe I saw a study on eating disorders on an educational channel. I think that overeating/undereating are sometimes caused by similar things, it just varies by individual. As I said, I’m not certain. Maybe someone else knows, and can verify this? I am going to counseling/therapy to learn to cope with all my baggage.
