There are reasons to ask, for instance, if I have some baby stuff I’m going to get rid of I might ask my girlfriends/relatives if anyone is intending on needing hand me downs (its always a shame to get rid of an expensive crib only to discover that your cousin just conceived). But even then, its difficult to phrase in a way that isn’t rude.
However, even at the height of my infertility or the peak of my childless by choice first marriage, I was never offended by the question. People ask, they are being rude, but they don’t mean to offend.
I think the having kids question is one that is at most semi-personal. Children are talked about freely and openly, whether or not a person has children is something that even casual acquaintances will know. If you want to learn about a person or married couple, their thoughts on children rank pretty high up. The question doesn’t have to be any more personal than how you take your coffee.
Getting into the “why” of the answer is something that’s personal, and it would be rude to pry into that.
A few years ago I was engaged; the wedding never happened. But people were asking me about kids even before the wedding. Um…it’s called birth control, people. We weren’t wanting kids instantly.
I think it’s rude, unless the asker is a close friend or family member.
Well, if we’re talking a dentist or a hairdresser, they wouldn’t be someone who would get an announcement. They’re just trying to make chat and keep up with your life within the period of your appointment.
I work from home, you see, and seldom need to go in to my company’s office. Three years ago, when I had only five kids (as of two weeks ago, the number is up to seven), I had to go in to the office for an extended period of time, so I met a few co-workers who I’d never met in person, and who don’t know my usual work habits or my family life. So when I sat down at a vacant workstation, and set up my stuff, including the picture of five kids, one of these co-workers asked, out of the blue, “So, are you stopping at five?”
I replied, “I usually work till six, or later, if I’ve got a deadline to meet…”
He corrected me: “I mean are you having any more kids?”
It struck me as something that was just fodder for casual conversation amongst people who are not Orthodox Jews, but I misinterpreted the question because it never occurred to me that it was something anyone (other than my wife’s OB/GYN) would ever ask.
My husband and I (childless by choice) have come up with our standard answer to this question - “We’re not allowed to have kids.” and leave it at that. Most people take it as it’s meant (light-hearted humour intended to defuse a rude, loaded question that is almost never meant in a rude way). Screw the rest of 'em.
Cheesesteak, having kids or being interested in kids is talked about freely and openly, but not being interested in them sure as hell isn’t.
True. That is a matter of scheduling, and many people asking might be doing so to save a date for the wedding. I was thinking more of unmarried, living together couples. I don’t ask my daughter this question, because I’m sure she’ll tell me whenever she is ready to, and asking would sound like pushing. (She’s the one who doesn’t want to get married, her boyfriend is ready to.)
BTW, asking a pregnant woman her due date isn’t rude - that’s more like the wedding date example.
I think the having kids question is one that is at most semi-personal. Children are talked about freely and openly, whether or not a person has children is something that even casual acquaintances will know. If you want to learn about a person or married couple, their thoughts on children rank pretty high up. The question doesn’t have to be any more personal than how you take your coffee.
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Asking how many kids you have is fine. But thoughts on sex rank right up there with thoughts on children, and I trust you don’t ask anyone how many times a week they do it and how.
I’m also not sure how someone would answer this politely. Saying “it’s personal” is basically saying it’s none of your business. That’s correct but seems brusque. “I don’t care to say” sounds defensive. The question in the OP says “soon” - asking about planning to have kids someday is a bit less rude, I think, since that lets you say you haven’t decided yet. But unless the pregnancy test was positive, and maybe not even then, how can one answer the soon question?
Why is it do you think that people are so hung up on asking that question. I have kids, and I love kids, but I’ve never felt that anyone else needs to have kids or needs to submit a schedule for having them or not having them.
I still get asked when we’re going to have a second child. My son is seven and I’m 44. I swear they’ll still be bugging me about it when I’m in a retirement home, but at least I’ll be able to hit them with my walking frame. GilaB - yes - it is definitely rude.
Acid Lamp and I have no plans to have children at this point. This probably won’t change any time soon, as I’m not interested in children and he’s not either. We’re engaged, and we get random people assuming that we’re going to have a small herd of children by the time we hit our fifth anniversary. Most of them are strangers, but his mom has also mentioned something about grandchildren (I think my mom isn’t all that interested in grandkids. Heh. ) I find it more bothersome when people assume that I’m going to have children and that I want them* than when they ask if we’re planning on having children soon. Either way, it’s really inappropriate to ask complete strangers about their plans regarding having or not having children. The reason why is related to the idea that getting married is NOT all about having children to me or my future husband.
Right now we’re living in an area heavily populated by Hispanics, so I get “do you have children” more often than “are you going to have children?” The first question is fine, as all they’re asking is whether I already have children; it’s pretty innocuous. The second one, however, is not anyone’s business unless I am in a close enough relationship with them and feel that I need to share that information.
[sub]*We went to a wedding expo on Sunday; it was a rather small one that focused on an island’s options for a destination wedding. I’m not interested in videography, but I got “Oh, but you know you’ll probably want to show this to your grandkids, won’t you?!??” from two different videographers. Listen up, videography ladies: I barely made it through two minutes of your schmaltzy videography montage without making fun of the damned thing. My fiancé and I are not interested in home videos of any sort, and I can’t imagine wanting to relieve that day over and over and over again on DVD as if it’s the only good day we’ve ever had. <rant over>[/sub]
But, how is anyone to know you’re not interested if they’re never allowed to broach the topic in any meaningful way? There are people who will be jerks about the subject, and try to pry into personal details, but the fact that you do not want children is not, in and of itself, a terribly personal fact. I just found out that you don’t want children, and I don’t feel the need to pry into your psyche and discover why, it’s just part of who you are.
Voyager, sex and kids are not remotely the same. Nobody normal walks into the office and talks about the sex they had last night, but I guarantee that a birth would be topic for conversation.
Most reactions when people find out you don’t want kids are fairly judgemental. I’m very careful about who I tell that I’m not at all interested in kids (I don’t even like them much), because those reactions are REALLY judgemental. As a non-child lover in our child worshipping society, you have to watch what you say all the time - I usually keep my real opinions about kids and the having of them to myself.
My husband is an elementary school teacher and one day during bus duty, the students asked him if he had any kids. “No,” he says, “you’re the only kids I’ve got.” One of the littlest Latino boys just couldn’t get his head around it: “But you’ve got a wife. Doesn’t your wife have any babies?” “No, she doesn’t have any kids.” The boy thought for a minute, “But does she have a baby in her stomach?” “No, no babies.” Blew that kid’s mind.
It’s rude. I would never dream of saying to other people, “Why are you getting married?” or “Why are you having a baby?” or “Why are you having more kids?”
Yet some think it's acceptable to ask me, "Why aren't you married? Why don't you have kids?"
When people used to ask me that, I had your reaction and just blurted it out “That’s a pretty rude question”, then if it was someon I had to deal with much, like an in-law I’d soften it with something like “That is, my plans are personal.” And when pressed, as in-laws do, just repeat one or both lines.
Wow, I am actually totally surprised that so many people think this is such a rude question. I do understand why it’s intrusive, after reading the thread.
I’m female, fairly newly-wed, and sometimes it seems like the entire world has their eye on my uterus. I ask and get asked this question all the time, but mostly by women my own age and in similar circumstances–so we are all going through the same things, considering whether or not to have them and when, trying to conceive, doing everything in their power not to conceive, or just letting nature take its course, and we’re all pretty comfortable discussing our sometimes completely opposing situations. For the record, not all of these women that come to mind are close friends, some are wives of coworkers of my husband or other acquaintances.
It might seem weirder to me if I were much older, or we hadn’t fairly recently been married, but in the first couple years of marriage and in my early twenties, it’s pretty likely that if we are going to have kids, this is when it’ll be happening. It just seems like one of those things you keep mental tabs on, same as I might ask about how their job or school is going, or relationship situation–major life changes, like so-and-so is going back to grad school, this other friend is changing jobs, this couple is recently engaged and just set the date for the wedding, those two are thinking about babies.
The next time I see the couple, I might ask “how’s the baby situation?” and the response might be “meh, we’ve decided it’s better to wait, we’re still waiting to hear about his grad program acceptance” or “I’m pregnant, squee!” We have no shame.
I guess I’ll have to watch it around girls I don’t know as well from now on!
My younger son and his wife got the “when are you giving us grandchildren” spiel from her parents. He (son) was telling me about that conversation and I said I will NEVER ask you that. He looked really surprised and wanted to know if I wanted grandkids.
Well sure, but ya know that’s really not mine to do anything about plus as so many others have said, its really personal–issues like timing, fertility etc make that a very loaded question. So I just said if it happened that would be cool and if they chose not to, that was fine too.
) I find it more bothersome when people assume that I’m going to have children and that I want them* than when they ask if we’re planning on having children soon. Either way, it’s really inappropriate to ask complete strangers about their plans regarding having or not having children. The reason why is related to the idea that getting married is NOT all about having children to me or my future husband.