Yes it’s rude. My wife and I were married for 14 years before we decided to try and have a child. When we got married we were pretty certain we wouldn’t have any. Things changed for us. Please don’ take that as commentary on your marrage. Most of the questions stop after 5 years. At 10 years people assume you can’t have children. In order of rudeness the questions were:
“When are you going to have kids?” Asked by family in the early years. I thought it was equal to; “Do you have any kids yet?” Which was asked by strangers in conversation.
“Why not?” I have a business acquaintance who claims he once answered that question saying, “Whether or not I have child is between me, my wife and God. That makes it none of your business.”
And finally: “Why did you get married if you weren’t going to have children?”
The answer is entirely culture-dependent. For mainstream American culture (whatever the heck THAT is) yeah, it is QUITE rude. In some other cultures - not at all.
A year after my husband and I married, we returned to his home town in the American midwest to attend his grandmother’s funeral. At the funeral reception, my father in law (a reverend, and son of the deceased) came up to us and said, “y’know, I was playing poker with my friends the other night, and I looked at them and realized I was THE ONLY ONE who wasn’t a grandfather yet. Hint, hint.”
I looked him straight in the eye (I was quite the fetching young thing in those days) and said, “You know, Reverend [pause] … your son and I haven’t figured out how to do it yet.”
I still can’t believe I had (a) the wit; and (b) the gall to say that, but it worked like a charm. My father-in-law (a great guy with a sense of humor) chuckled as loudly as a man at his mother’s funeral reception could decently chuckle, and NEVER, EVER brought up our childless status again.
Ann Landers used to say that the best response to an inquiry about having children (or similarly personal and inappropriate questions) was to look at the questioner in amazement and say, in a tone of astonishment, “goodness! Why ever would you ask such a question?”
ETA: sharp-eyed SDMB members may say “but you have a kid!” True, but I didn’t get pregnant until I’d been married for 15 happy childless years.
Another vote for rude. I’m in the same boat as you having been married only about a year and a half. People at work are by far the worst: Any little ones on the way? When are you having kids? You’d better hurry! And on and on and on and on.
Some good replies to the question in this thread though. I may have to take the marriage of convenience route and make up an outrageous story.
Maybe I’ll try: “Oh, we had one kid already but we ate him.”
Because the relatives ask it every time they see you, and that is nagging, which they have no business doing. For the nagging person I think this is an appropriate response “Worry about your own reproduction.”
I think it’s well intentioned (people like to talk about happy things like babies), but rude (this is not a happy subject for everyone). People tend to forget that reproducing is not always a simple matter like deciding to buy a new sofa.
And after you get pregnant, you get the rude, “Was it planned?” (I actually got that one from a coworker)
And after you have the baby, you get, “So when are you having another?” (sometimes while in the recovery room from the first birth) and “How many are you having?” (the answer to this one is a minefield - one or two is too few, three or more is just crazy)
The world loves to put everyone’s reproductive lives under a microscope.
BTW I don’t mind when my really close female friends ask me if I’m planning to have any more kids (I’ve got two, and we’re done). But I don’t see that as intrusive, since we share a lot and I know that they’re often in the same situation of figuring it out as they go along. Anyone else though, I’d be annoyed and refuse to answer.
Back in the late 60’s, my mom and dad waited for about 5 years to have kids. The constant questioning from acquaintances drove my mom nuts and she never said a word to me on the subject until I called her up and told her I was pregnant.
I share your discomfort. There are a lot of reasons why a couple might not be pumping out spawn, including …
(1) They might not want children, either because they don’t like them or have environmental concerns about increasing the world’s population.
(2) One or the other might be experiencing medical problems, such as erectile dysfunction, impotence, or infertility
(3) They might be experiencing other problems, such as emotional problems that make it unsuitable to have children in the long or short term
(4) They might not believe that they are sufficiently financially stable enough to support children
(5) They might be sexually incompatible in one way or another or experiencing problems in their sexual relationship
All of these are highly personal issues that for most people would be embarrassing or humiliating to discuss even with close friends or relatives, never mind a complete stranger. Having an outsider bring the subject up could very well trigger further relationship issues.
Other people’s reproductive plans are just none of anybody’s business. Period.
“We’d like to have kids, but we just love ANAL SEX too much! Whenever we try to conceive, we end up having ANAL SEX again! We’d probably have a couple of children by now if it weren’t for all that ANAL SEX!”
…Maybe that’s not what everyone should say, but it worked like a charm on my mother-in-law.
It seems like it could personally be rude to the person being asked, but more often than not the person asking is just making small talk. That being said personal questions don’t make for the best small talk. So I guess the bottom line is yes its a dumb thing to say to someone, but it’s not worth getting worked up about.
It is a rude and personal question, but unfortunately, being rude or flippant back to the asker doesn’t generally help (at least in my experience). I do admit, though, that I rather like Pithy Moniker’s suggestion about having eaten the first child.
Exactly what I was going to say. If my best friend or my mom asks, they’re just interested in my life. If a total stanger asks, it’s a tad too personal.
Although I hate being asked the question, I’m not sure I’d consider, “Are you planning to have kids?” all that rude on its own. It’s something I might even ask at a high school reunion or something. It’s the follow-up questions that can get really rude, like, “Why not?” You should just accept the given answer and let them expand if they so desire.
The addition of “soon” at the end, however, adds a level of expectation and opinion as to what the answer *should * be. It’s like asking, “When?” after the above version. It’s invasive and rude.
As you can probably tell you are going to get a wide range of answers from “so rude!” to “thanks for asking!” The truth is there is nothing inherently rude about any question asked politely, as long as you would welcome the same question asked of you, and you take refusal to answer gracefully. But, depending on personality and cultural background, many people will consider certain areas of inquiry taboo. There’s nothing inherently worse about certain areas of inquiry than others, it’s just a matter of personal preference or cultural tradition. And of course the level of familiarity you already have with the person can be a factor. It can help to test the waters - ask a non personal question within the same general topic to gauge their reaction. It can also help to offer your own personal information first (“Me and my husband are thinking of starting a family - what are your thoughts on family planning?”) or to offer justification for asking (“I’m thinking of having kids but I’m worried about my career, I’m wondering how other couples deal with this issue”), or to ask very politely (“Would you mind if I asked you about your thoughts on having kids?”). In any case, if they refuse to answer accept it gracefully.
Wouldn’t you consider someone asking a couple if they were planning to set a date for a wedding rude? We have announcements of this stuff for a reason.
In addition, a couple might have been trying and been unsuccessful, or have had miscarriages, and may choose not to announce stuff until there is a good chance that a baby would come to term. Hectoring them about it is unintentionally obnoxious.
A recently-married friend got this all Xmas from her family and friends. She sent out an e-mail last week explaining that she recently had a miscarriage. That being said, I think a casual ‘So… thinking about kids?’ is fine as long as the asker accepts a non-answer and doesn’t push.
