Here we go again...(baby related)

The BBQ Pit
1

I know this topic has been done to death in recent threads, but it just happened to me again, so I need to blow off a little steam. Here at work, our supervisor left this afternoon because his wife went into labour; the girls and I are all very excited and happy for him, so naturally, one of the women I work for turns to me and says (you all know what’s coming);

Her; “So, are you going to have kids?”

I respond, very politely, “No, I’m not planning to.”

Her; “How come?”

Me; “I don’t particularly like kids.”

Her; “But it’s different when they’re your own. Then you want them more than anything.” (all you women out there who don’t want kids either can probably sing this along with me.)

Me; “Sure, everyone says it’s different, but I really don’t want them.”

Her; (with suspicious look, like her opinions of me just underwent a major change downwards); “Well, you should have them. You have no idea how much you’ll love them when you do.”

Me; walking out of her office as her phone starts ringing auspiciously before I lose my patience completely with this grilling.

Now, I like this woman very much, and consider her a friend. She is of a very blunt nature, which I also normally like very much, but please, this is a very private, personal decision, and when someone says they aren’t planning to have kids, leave it the hell alone, would you? You’re not going to convert me to your baby-making ways, I can assure you of that. All you’re doing is pissing me off. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone, least of all casual inquiries at the office. I am seriously considering developing a lie to use in these situations just to avoid conversations like the above. And I don’t lie.

2

I’ve only had to do this once, but it stopped the person asking the question dead in his tracks.

“Are you planning on having kids?”
“No.”
“Why not? [insert incredibly obnoxious blather about how wonderful it is to have kids here.]”
“I am not able to become pregnant.”

It’s true, but I neglected to inform him that the REASON I wasn’t able to get pregnant is that I’m on the pill. Oopsie. It never came up again, though.

It’s kind of harsh, I know. But sometimes desperate measures are required.

3

There is nothing wrong with not liking kids. Not all kids are likeable. Even when they are your own. A good friend of mine goes through daily anguish over not liking her son, but what’s to like? He was a cranky baby, an unpleasant toddler and is now a surly preteen. She tries to blame herself, her husband, her lifestyle choices, but I’ve watched this kid since he was tiny be the most difficult, uncomfortable baby and the most unhappy toddler I’d seen in 7 years of teaching preschool for 2 year olds. His brother has some unattractive mannerisms, but these I judge to be learned from observation of his elder sibling.
Not every mother loves her child. I have seen mothers treat their child as an accessory, like a matching purse or shoes. Got the hubby, house, mini-van, need a kid to complete the set. Now that the kid is here, kid is in the way, very inconvienient, no evidence that the mother wants this child more than anything. Love is not a “should” thing. It’s a choice. And there’s not a thing wrong with choosing not to have a child. It would be much more selfish to cave into others’ wishes when YOU are the one who has to parent this baby.

4

I just got into this arguement with my mother and sisters today.

Mom: You’ll wait to have kids, right?

Me: I’m not having kids.

Sister: You HAVE to have kids! Don’t say you don’t want them, you’ll change your mind.

Me: No, I won’t. I don’t want kids. I learned a new word the other day, dink. Do you know what that means?

Mom: No.

Me: Double income, no kids. I don’t want kids.

Mom: You have to have kids! That’s your purpose in life. if you don’t, you’ll be snubbing nature and your religion. (Haven’t told Mom that with every passing day I become more Agnostic)

Me: I don’t want kids. I’m not changing my mind.

Mercifully, we arrived at the house by then, so I was able to stop the conversation.
sigh
I can’t wait to move so I can start leading my own life.

5

Great OP, featherlou. I wonder how long it will be before this sort of stuff is considered making an “unpleasant workplace” for you, and you can legally force it to stop? Sometimes I see this happen to extremes with women here at work - not just nagging, but more like browbeating over the “You must have children. ALL your co-workers do. What are you, some sort of anarchist?” stuff. And it really makes me feel ill sometimes.

6

jadailey, that’s beautiful. Now, I just need to come up with proper responses depending on who’s asking:

Family - “Why are you asking me that? Don’t you know by now that I don’t want kids, after I’ve told you about 1500 times?”

Fiance’s family - still have to work out what to tell them when (not if) they start asking. Maybe I’ll just tell them Jim doesn’t want kids and let him take the grilling for a change.

Co-workers - none of your damn business (I wish I could say that. This darned “Ooh, don’t want to hurt people’s feelings” crap…). I could tell people “I can’t have kids.” (because I don’t want them), but then I’m stuck with what to tell them if they want to know why (which truly is none of their business).

7

see, I can understand why one would find it difficult to avoid the question from close family members, but from coworkers? hell. “I don’t discuss that” “really that’s very personal”. “Why would you ask such a personal question?” “is that my phone ringing?” “oh look, Godzilla” “the orange duck quacks at midnight”. or whatever.

8

Hey, how’d you others sneak in while I’m typing up a reply? ANYway, very sorry to hear your mother saying things like that to you, pepper. No matter how firm you are in your own convictions, it is always a pain in the ass to hear someone telling you “you’re wrong, and here’s why…” :frowning:
Anthracite, it really should be outlawed in the workplace. That browbeating thing is alive and well when a bunch of women get together, even if it isn’t said in so many words; us “unnatural” women (read “not willing to be only a baby factory”) can smell their attitudes towards us from a mile away.
(wring, I think I’ll use “Oh, look, Godzilla” and run away while they’re not looking next time I get grilled in the workplace like this. Thanks.)

9

Jadailey: I’m suspicious about your solution to this issue. It looks good on paper, but I can imagine your co-workers treating you like you’ve got terminal cancer after learning that you “can’t” have kids. Then again, you might be able to use this to your advantage…

Jadailey: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Why?

Jadailey: Well, I’ve been thinking how I can’t have kids, and it’s got me horribly depressed.

Boss: You poor woman, take tomorrow off too.

Jadailey: Woo-hoo!

Boss: What was that?

Jadailey: Uhh… Boo-hoo?

Boss: Alright, see you Monday then.

<Jadailey takes off for the beach.>

10

Actually, y’know, I’d be happier getting the [zombie]Must-Have-Children[/zombie] lectures. What I get instead (when I worked in an office) is:

Female with kids to female without kids: When are you going to start trying to have children?

fwok: Never. We don’t want children.

fwk: But [insert lame argument here].

fwok (hoping to shift the misery burden, probably) to me: Are you ever going to have kids?

me: We don’t know. Maybe.

fwk: Don’t you think that’s kind of…unfair?

(Fwok departs, clearly thinking “my work here is done.”)

me: Not especially, no.

fwk: Well, I mean, I’m all for gay rights and all that, but I really think a child needs a father. (Or, I really think it would mess kids up to be raised by a lesbian couple. Or, kids have a hard enough time in this world without that. Or, I don’t know why, but that just really makes me uncomfortable. Or whatever.)

At this point, I would get up and leave, because apparently reason already had. I’m tired of hearing how unfair or wrong it would be of me to have children. Single women have children all the time. Fathers walk out all the time. Lots of kids only have one actively involved parent; I tend to think having two would be an improvement, no matter what sex they are.

And the thing that pisses me off the most about this: many of the women who objected to my “Maybe, possibly” statement were SINGLE MOTHERS. If their kids don’t need a father, why would mine?

Here’s my manifesto, emphasized for a reason:

As long as you are not going to be involved in conceiving, supporting, or caring for any hypothetical child, you are not entitled to an opinion about whether or not said hypothetical child’s parent(s) should in fact reproduce.

Seems simple enough to me.

11

deepbluesea, great response! And if they start in on the “gay parents screw up kids” nonsense, don’t forget to throw in a stat or two about the percentage of gay kids who were raised by two straight parents!

:smiley:

12

I think wring’s got it on the money. I think you can turn it around on them to make them see what incredible awful manners it is to criticize you for an important life decision, and to diminish you by acting like it’s some temporary foolish stage you’re going through.

I’d say, “You know, I know you’re too kind of a person to do something like try to talk me into giving up my religion for one you liked better. Yet I equate that with what you’re doing now, which is trying to talk me out of my feelings about my future family. Let’s consider this subject closed.” You can deliver this with a smile and it will be even more effective. If she tries to stammer out “But I wasn’t!” or even worse, rolls her eyes and declares you “touchy,” I’d just repeat that the subject is closed.

Then go around the corner and give her the finger.

13

Wring does have it on the money. Don’t even address the actual comment or question, address their audacity of even ASKING it in the first place.

Some people get away with asking really nosy or personal questions because they rely of the inherent politeness (and utter shock) of their “victims”. The “victim” is often too flabbergasted to do anything other than turn red, look embarrassed, ashamed, and then probably answer the extremely rude question. And these people who ask the rude questions just GET AWAY with it. It really pisses me off.

At a previous job I had, a co-worker once asked me a rude, nosy, personal question. It was just so intrusive, I was flabbergasted that she had the guts to ask it. I usually liked this lady, but I just couldn’t let her get away with it. So when she asked me, I started to laugh, with astonishment. I said (while laughing good-naturedly) “I can’t BELIEVE you would ask me that! Oh my gosh! What a thing to ask!” All the time laughing good-naturedly, like I just thought it was an utter hoot. I then went up to another co-worker and said, “Do you BELIEVE what she just asked me???” The woman was properly embarassed, and just let it drop. No problems after that.

14

I used to have some “friends” who would always bug me about having kids. Now, mind you, at the time, I was in my late 20s and I was deeply in debt, working two jobs (one as a bullet catcher in a stop-n-rob), and these shitheads thought that what I needed to do was to knock some gal up. Okay, now I’m not totally opposed to kids. My personal opinion is that if my SO wants 'em, we’ll have 'em, if she don’t, we won’t, but for me, without a pot to piss in, to think that my mission in life is to find some willing female who happens to be fertile and impregnate her, is just fucking ridiculous! And to make matters worse, these guys would badger me constantly and tell me that I wasn’t a man because I didn’t have kids! (Mind you, I thought I was a man because I didn’t bring another mouth in the world when I couldn’t afford to feed it.)

Where it really gets wild is that both these nutbags worked in the stop-n-rob with me and had waaaay too many kids of their own! The one had 4 kids and the other had 5! And both of them said things like, “I like to hump, that’s why I got a wife.” and “Women shouldn’t be allowed to work outside the home because all they want to do is fuck.” Uh, yeah, and you guys are soooo intelligent.

Actually, though, its dickwads like that who make me want to father lots and lots of kids (assuming, of course, I could afford to take care of them) just so the intelligent (okay, okay, moderately intelligent) folks on the planet could outbreed the dumbfucks and maybe really change things around here.

15

I usually say “I’m waiting for my spinal transplant. As soon as I get it and I’m all better, I’ll be popping them out like there’s no tomorrow”

or, if it’s a bad day, I say “Why do you ask?” or “Kids? Hmmmm. I’ve never really considered it. Are they expensive?”

Sometimes it’s fun to answer it like they’re asking about a car. “Is there a lot of maintainence involved? How often do you have to clean them? Are they reliable?”

I hate the question and find it very rude. I sometimes just say “I have kids- lots of 'em. I just give 'em back when I’m finished”.

Zette

16

Hmm. Hadn’t considered that. Guy I originally said it to is from a different office, so I don’t see much of him, nor speak with him much. I’ll have to consider some other angles, here…

::goes off to have a conversation with the boss::

(BTW, Zette, I like your solution even better.)

17

I read this (well, something similar) on the board once before when we were discussing a similar topic and I apologize but for the life of me I can’t find or remember who suggested it. It is an answer I have used several times and it has always worked.

Anyway, next time someone asks you “When are you going to have kids?”, don’t skip a beat and reply “How many times last week did you masturbate?” When they blush and act offended or astonished, just say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you wanted to discuss intensely personal things.” and walk away. They’ll get the hint.

18

I appreciate more than you know that, because I don’t have a cool job outside the house and I did choose to have kids and raise them, I am “only a baby factory.” Hey…if your decision to NOT have kids makes you “not only a baby factory,” my decision to have kids and stay home and raise them must make me “only a baby factory.”

Your tolerance of others’ lifestyles is heartwarming. I’m so pleased that you hold people with different views on childbearing in such high regard.

Personally, I couldn’t possibly care less if any of you never has kids…or anyone I know. I intensely dislike children. I have three. I love mine. It is different when you have your own. But, Jesus, if you don’t want 'em, don’t fucking have 'em, and screw everyone else.

“Why don’t you want any children?”
“Why don’t YOU want a tattoo?”

shrug

However, referring to the decision to not have children as being “not only a baby factory” is at least as insulting to those of us who’ve decided to have them.

19

I agree with you, Hamadryad. I don’t care either way if you plan on having kids or not, and I think that other people should have the same attitude.

On a similar note:
I have 3 boys. I’m starting to get tired of everyone asking us if we are “going to try for a girl” or if we are “going to go for a 4th baby”. Look, it’s none of your business. We are completely happy with 3 boys and whatever God has planned for us, we will accept. Again, I reiterate: It’s none of your business.

[sleight hijack]
Also, I don’t like that people assume that because we are a Catholic family with 3, we will automatically have a 4th. I also don’t like most people’s reaction when I tell them we have 3 kids. Typically it’s one of astonishment: “Three? How do you do it?”

Again, it’s none of your business.
[/sleight hijack]

20

I think every woman has this problem no matter what she does. I got pregnant very quickly after I got married and was berated on several occasions by people who thought I “ruined the best part of marriage.” I won’t even start in on some of the even ruder stuff.
Here is my suggestion:
The next time someone gives me their all-knowing attitude on what I should do with my body and my life I am going to bend over, reach into my vagina and pull out my uterus. Then I am going to smash it on their face and say “You obviously know what to do with this better than I do. Go for it.”

Yeah, I’m a little bitter.