A woman at work today was asking me if I have kids. I told her that I don’t have kids, which is the truth and about as far as I usually get in the discussion of offspring. Then she asked me if I wanted to have kids someday and I told her that I honestly don’t think so. I might change my mind someday and I am aware of that, but for the most part I am really content with the idea of never, ever, ever having children, biological or otherwise. I said that I think kids are cute and all but that I don’t know if I ever want any of my own.
She then proceeded to freak out on me, telling me I’ll never be a real woman if I don’t give birth and spend the next 20 years of my life raising a child. Yep. Those were her actual words, “You’ll never be a real woman until you have a child.”
EXCUSE ME?!?! Who the fuck does she think she is telling me what I must do with my life? No one gets to determine the state of my womanhood for me no matter what goes into or comes out of my vagina! Stupid bitch! :mad: I am used to women smiling and telling me that I’ll change my mind someday. I am used to people wanting to know how my boyfriend feels about my desire to remain childless. I am not used to people telling me that my life won’t be complete without crotch fruit of my own. I just looked at her and said that since I don’t have a husband and I am only 26 I’m not real worried about it one way or the other. I wonder how she feels about women who can’t give birth and their status as “real women” or people who have genetic diseases they choose not to breed to avoid passing the disease on to their children.
She makes me feel all stabby. I’m glad she has a son and that she loves him very much but I hope she learns to keep her stupid, prejudiced opinions to herself. I’ll never say more than “hello” to her again.
“Oh, I did have a child. You asked if I have one, present tense. I used to, but I don’t know what happened to it. I figure it’s probably not a good idea to have more if I can’t keep track of them.”
Said with as much chirpy, oblivious cheer as you can manage. Watch her head explode.
Why on earth did you even answer the “do you think you’ll want them some day” question? I’d go w/something like “oh, gosh, I’m kinda busy right now” and turn away. If she follows up w/it, “I’m not comfortable discussing such personal topics on company time”.
I briefly worked with a woman who asked me the same sort of questions, but didn’t imply that I wasn’t a real man for not having children – the problem was that I was IGNORING GOD’S WILL!
I’m guessing because she’s 26 and hasn’t run into this level of ignorant assholishness before. As you are either learning or have already learned, pbbth, the childless by choice need to have all their answers lined up ahead of time for the people who can’t leave you alone. My go to answer is, “I’m not allowed to have kids” (said with a big grin). That usually stops 'em in their tracks.
My answer to that question is generally pretty well received. In a very upbeat tone I tell people that, though other people’s children are beautiful and wonderful and can do no wrong, I don’t know that motherhood would be the right path for me. Most people are not insane and respect that difference of opinion. Changing the subject is just a rude way of saying that I don’t want to have kids and lying to say that of course I want children shooting out of my vagina like it is a fucking water slide seems to invite monthly discussions of whether or not I am knocked up yet. I have now learned my lesson though. Next time I am going to get really quiet and then say, “I used to have a child. A little girl. She was a part of my life for 3 wonderful weeks before the police caught me and made me give her back.”
In a social situation (where you’re likely to be around folks who think semi like you), such answers probably do fine. But in a work situation where you don’t know squat about the person you’re talking to, your best bet is to not get/give too much personal stuff until you have an idea who they are and what they’re about. Changing the subject at work away from a non work related topic to work is not rude.
Oh wow. You are far more restrained than I would have been. I would have shouted her down with extreme prejudice until she cowered somewhere out. of. my. sight.
I say this without an ounce of hyperbole. It’s happened before. At work. That discussion never occurred again. I felt well within my rights to go batshit butternuts crazy on the woman in question for two reasons: 1. I knew she didn’t have the stones to go to the boss and complain because I was the boss’ assistant and she was terrified of him. 2. If she had mustered the stones to do that, any outcome would have been mine anyway.
Jeez. There’s a list of maybe five things I truly can’t abide anywhere at any time, and I believe this sort of behavior is on it.
Sorry, babe. I just shot her through the head mentally for you. With a large crossbow.
Some of my favorite answers, sent in by Dear Annie readers:
Pensacola, Fla.: Years ago, my daughter was asked when she would have kids. I suggested she reply indignantly, “We’d NEVER do that! We’re vegetarians.”
Redding, Calif.: A friend once asked, “When are you going to have a baby?” My husband replied, “Well, we keep kissing and kissing, and nothing happens.”
Georgia: How’s this: “I don’t know. When are you going to have manners?”
Michigan: I tell people, “Oh, I’ve had several children, but the state kept taking them away, so I quit.”
Nevada City, Calif.: I say, “When the world’s population decreases to a sustainable 3.5 billion and each person takes responsibility to reproduce only one child so we can all live healthy and wealthy, enriched, caring lives for all species.”
Next time, go into a loud, long and tearful story about how as a kid you really wanted kids but was rendered infertile by an infection a few years back so your husband left you for a woman who could have his children and thank you for bringing up such a painful memory when really you just want to forget the whole idea. Break down sobbing afterwards.
It’s time like these I’m just glad that I’m an abomination unto god and therefore can’t have children - it makes exchanges like this a lot shorter.
“Do you want to have kids some day?”
“I’d like to but it’ll be pretty difficult for me”
“Oh, why?”
“Well no matter how much sex I have I don’t think two men fucking each is going to produce a child, but you know, they can do amazing things with science these days”
“…”
I had a professor in college who would always tell us, “you’re just embryos until you get your degree.”
Then one day I was in his office and another instructor - who only had a masters - stopped by, explaining that he was about to leave for Harvard to get his PhD, and my professor told him, “remember, you’re just an embryo until you get your PhD.”
It’s a terribly arrogant and rude thing to say but, having known him fairly well at that point, I knew he didn’t mean to be hurtful with it. In his own weird way, I think he was trying to be encouraging. Maybe this lady thought you really wanted kids eventually and she was just trying to be encouraging - granted, in an odd way.
