My standard response is that I am unable to bear children. True literally and figuratively. Anything that leaks continuously is not my bag.
Still, I can’t manage it all the time and find myself in that strangely familiar converation…
Female Aquaintance or Total Stranger: So, have any kids?
MD102: No, I don’t.
FA/TS: Why not?
MD102: Well, I’m not married and honestly, I’m not fond of children.
FA/TS: You just don’t like other people’s children, right? Trust me, you’ll change your mind when you have some of your own.
MD102: Actually, I’m pretty sure I won’t. In fact, I have it on good authority that lots of people don’t like their own kids. Take my mom, for example. She has one kid she likes a lot, and one kid she doesn’t. Now wouldn’t she have been better off to have stopped with the one she liked? Of course she would have, but look at her now. Kids are a craps shoot, and frankly, I can’t afford to lose.
FA/TS: <puzzled silence> Why aren’t you married?
MD102: I have a bad personality. Rez, what a fabulous idea! Let me know how your uterus pulling technique works out - I may try it myself.
I agree with Rez, that women can never win on this issue…
I DO plan on having kids, SOMEDAY, but even that sort of knowledge isn’t good enough for Mr. Jarbaby’s aunt who says,
“you’ve been married six years…that’s long enough to be alone with each other, you’d better have your kids soon”
(emphasis mine)
Who are you? An AUNT? Stay the f out of it, angelcake.
I also get it from parents and grandparents who don’t get it when I say,
“i’m trying to be a writer and an actress and my husband is also very involved in theatre, so he’s never home, we travel all the time…it’s just not the right time.”
the answer?
“That’s very selfish of you.”
My answer for everyone who asks me “When are you going to have kids” is:
As soon as I stop griping that I have to walk my dog three times a day.
Sorry, I should have made my meaning clearer. I did not intend this to mean “all women who have had children”, but only the ones who have had children and can’t see further than their own experience, think they need to convert the world, and in doing so, interfere and make judgements on my lifestyle.
From experience, don’t say “I can’t have children.” All those people who know better will say “You can always adopt.”
Wring is right, the best answer is “That is an extrodinarly personal question” or some variation thereof. Lacks the satisfaction of a snappy comeback, but is fairly polite and educational.
Unfortunately, once you’ve opened the door with any response at all, it can be a difficult one to close - but “I don’t think its right to have children when I don’t want them because YOU think I’ll change my mind” might do it.
I think that when people call you “selfish” it’s probably because they wish they could have done great and fun things with their lives that you are doing, but instead they became parents right away, possibly because they caved to the very pressure that you are resisting I detect a lot of jealous resentment (“How dare SHE be independent when I didn’t have the guts?”)
Okay, I’ve cooled down now, read everyone’s insights, and I think I know what my plan for the future will be. When asked if I’m going to have kids, I will answer “No”. I will answer this much because the people asking are usually people that I’ve developed a relationship with, and I don’t want to just shut them down. If they press for reasons, which truly is an invasion of privacy, then I will give them the “My reasons are personal, and not open for discussion” speech. I think that ought to strike the right balance of having this conversation without me feeling like I’m being rude to the other person or like I’m being forced to defend myself.
Probably doesn’t help with your boss, since you don’t want to offend her, but to the “It’s different when it’s your own” crapola (esp. after I reply that I’m not parent material, can’t stand to be around anyone with no impulse or bodily function control, stinky diapers have induced vomiting in me, etc.), I’ll reply that yes, it is. And that’s because if your kid gets stinky/hungry/cranky/whatever, it’s up to the parent to deal with it. The parent doesn’t have a choice.
I’m making the choice to not put myself in the situation of having to deal with things I find repugnant.
Otherwise, I just lamely (in a shuffling feet/aw shucks kind of manner) say that I’m too self-absorbed (which is true in my case, but adapt for whatever will get through to that person) to be a parent and leave it at that. Or that DH was turning babysitting age around the same time his older siblings were spawning, and he feels like he’s, if not raised, at least dealt with more than he ever wanted to(he’s the youngest of 5, with at least 12-15 nieces and nephews; we lost count years ago).
I have once or twice challenged them, “What will it hurt you if I don’t,” “Why do you think you have the right to ask such a personal question,” but I’m basically a wimp at heart.
I’ve found that saying I can’t have them these days results in “Oh, here’s my fertility Dr.'s card!” Or with people who have a sense of humor, the “3rd Rock from the Sun” approach is fun:
Dick: So, GF (can’t recall her name), have you thought about having kids?
Dick’s GF: No, I can’t have kids.
Dick: Oh, GF, I’m so sorry. Why not?
GF: Because I hate them.
I’ve had some fun with that one!
Unfortunately, the meme is so ingrained in society that nobody questions it (Isn’t that just what people do, grow up, get married, raise kids), and those that do are looked on as heathens who must be converted. It’s like people forget that they have a choice in these matters.
I get that a lot from my SIL. “Well, YOU can (FITB with whatever the daily whine is) because YOU don’t have kids.” Yep, exactly. Quick, isn’t she?
Just because I figured out on my own that you actually have to TAKE the pill for it to be effective, that it doesn’t work by osmosis, don’t come crying to me about how HAAAARRRDDD your life is.
We were married for nearly eleven years before our son was born.
Spent eight years previous to that trying to get pregnant, and couldn’t because we both had medical conditions which greatly lowered our chances. We elected to keep this to ourselves. We did tell a few people, but listening to their advice was terribly tiring.
Soooooo
After spending untold days watching her body temperature, plotting charts, taking medications, having corrective surgery for me, seeing dozens of doctors, and spending nearly $100K on all sorts of treatments and IVF; only to have it fail time and time again.
After about six years of this, the following conversation took place…
-my sister “Are you two going to have children?”
-me “I don’t want to talk about it.”
-sister “So, are you or aren’t you?”
-me “I don’t want to talk about it.”
-sister “So, can’t you have kids, or what?”
-me “I DON’T want to talk about it.”
-sister “So is it her fault, or yours?”
-me “<expletives and 15 minute rant deleted>”
-sister “oh”.
So, just 'cause someone doesn’t physically HAVE children right at this moment, doesn’t mean that they’re not TRYING.
So, please don’t say that they can adopt; because they already know that.
Please don’t say that they need to “just relax and let it happen”. If they knew the whole story, they’d know that wasn’t gonna happen.
PLEASE don’t tell us the story of a family that adopted a child and “BING”, wife gets pregnant. EVERYONE who gave me that advice seems to know a family like that. I’ve NEVER met them!
Please don’t assume that a couple will have children someday. They may not want to.
I really think alot of childless-by-choice people are a little over-sensitive when well-meaning parental-types are just trying to make conversation.
But what they are really saying is, “I want everyone to suffer and toil and labor for the ungrateful who take take take while you give give give, both at work AND at home, because I have to!!!” But those are most likely the incessant ones.
…and I love all your creative responses to insensitive queries.
But it really is something that has to be experienced to be appreciated for all that it is, and for a few zealous parents, who can’t possibly understand why everyone doesn’t become a parent, I really think they are high on parenting and really do think that everyone ought to experience they joys that they have.
From my perspective, questions about parenting get into pretty deeply personal territory fast. “You planning on having kids?” can be answered in a few ways for a gay man…
“Not unless my boyfriend is planning on growing a uterus.”
“I dunno, host mothers are so expensive these days…”
“Well, if it wasn’t so tough for gay guys to adopt…”
I swear, I’ve outed myself in response to this question more times than any other one. So, for all you well-meaning parental types out there, before you ask about child-rearing intentions, be prepared for all the legitimate reasons people might have for being childless.
Besides which, it’s freaking expensive. According to this little news blurb, the cost of raising a child is about $165,630.
Rugrats are nice, but that’s a bit pricey for my tastes.
Oh, I dunno. It’s still less than a Rolls Royce Corniche…
::d&r::
::sneaking back in::
BTW, GrizzRich congrats (however belated) on finally having a much-desired child. Someone who wants a child that badly falls into a much different category than those of us who aren’t interested at all!
I’m the classic case all these rude people are thinking of:
I had zero interest in kids when I was growing up. I couldn’t fathom why my girlfriends were interested in babies at all. I was sure I’d never want one.
My husband and I were married for 12 years before we had kids. (And, by the way, thank you Mom and Dad for never breathing a word about this.) When I was in graduate school one of my fellow students had a baby. She starting insisting that we just HAD to follow suit. Hello? I’m a starving graduate student. My husband is a starving graduate student. YOU only have a kid because your IUD failed.
Anyway, we eventually had kids. It is, in fact, completely different when they are your own. I’m still not all that interested in anybody elses.
So, what’s the point of all this? I just want to emphasize that everything people tell you is pretty much true—but they are still RUDE.
Hated this one - like I’m at fault for my own infertility. This is like telling a diabetic, “if you’d control your diet” Thanks for blaming me. Besides, I have a doctor to give me advice on how to get pregnant
This DID happen to me. (I’d like to apologize right now for being the subject of that story - I hated that story, too. And there are acquaintances I haven’t talked to in years simply because I don’t want to hear “what did I tell you”). Now I get “it always happens that way!” First, No, it doesn’t ALWAYS happen that way - only about 5% of the time. Second, adoption is not a treatment for infertility - it doesn’t work very well, and there is the adopted kid to consider (“my parents adopted me so that they would conceive my little sister” is not a thought I ever want to cross my kid’s mind.)
The best part of being infertile was once the busybodies found out that that was why you didn’t have kids yet, you started to get all sorts of additional personal advice - “your husband wears boxers, doesn’t he?” “rear entry is good for conceiving.”
Back on topic - my first husband and I never had kids - never tried (we weren’t married very long, and they might have come eventually). People would ask when, and my answer would be “I married a child, maybe after he grows up.” (Gee, wonder why the marriage didn’t work.)
Not only did I become a parent “right away”, but I regard being a parent doing something “great and fun” with my life. I had my fourth child at 25 years old. It’s almost like getting a second childhood while young enough to remember the first. My wife says I’m the most difficult child she has…
Jarbaby and featherlou (for example) obviously have different priorities from mine. Everyone has their own ideas of what they want to accomplish. Mine are no more “correct” than yours, certainly.
However, I don’t think it terribly impolite for friends and relatives to ask if you’re planning on having children. Maybe even asking “Why not?” when you say you don’t want them at all. Browbeating co-workers, on the other hand…
I say give them some story about your previous relationship with Fong Sai Yuk and how he left to be a bandito somewhere down in Tierra Del Fuego, and you’ve vowed never to bear any children but his or something. They probably won’t ask again.
I’m thinking of changing my response (to people I want to make squir) to:
I would, but my husband really either has trouble maintaining an erection or else he ejaculates prematurely. Usually he spooges all over the sheets, and it’s all over. Why don’t you go ask him about it? I think he’s been wanting to talk to someone.
Would you ask this guy: http://albums.photopoint.com/j/ViewPhoto?u=232296&a=7358858&p=25011540&f=0
That question? I didn’t think so.
Beelzebubba, no insult intended (not for you anyway).
I was referring not to all parents, but to the type of parent who wanted a more independent life for themselves but had children too early (either because of outside pressure, or internalized pressure), and later took out their resentment on their co-workers and family.
I was not referring to happy, satisfied, fulfilled parents.
BusyBody: Don’t you just love kids?
Mother: Not especially.
BusyBody: WHAT? You have three children?!? (Gives astonished and disgusted glare)
Mother: I like my children. I don’t especially like other children.
BusyBody: Oh my god, you’re so funny.
Mother: I wasn’t kidding.
(BB’s child runs past chasing other BB child with booger on finger screaming, ‘I’m going to put this on you’)
BusyBody: (oblivious to her idiot children) I’ve never heard of such a thing.
Mother: It’s nothing personal, I love my kids… but that pretty much exhausts my tolerance for children.
BB: Oh, okay… I think I know what you’re saying now.
Mother: Uh-huh
I cannot tell you how many times I have had this type of conversation and it gets me in trouble every time. I don’t especially like children and yet I have three of my own. I love them all dearly but they know I have little tolerance for animal like behavior… the kinds of hyper, crazed, skull pounding crap that most parents I know address as ‘kids will be kids’ conduct.
I don’t especially feel I have completed some superior mission in life by spending their younger years supervising and intervening in my children’s near miss attempts at killing themselves via swallowing a Lego tower, stabbing themselves in the eye with a steak knife or jumping from a twenty foot balcony. I am not more of a woman because I breast fed. I am not a better person because I didn’t work when they were toddlers. I am not more accomplished because they received an A+ in Math.
I would never make an assumption that any woman would be a happier, more fulfilled person by having children nor would I have the testicular fortitude to suggest it. I would however suggest the realities of it; exhaustion, stress, pressure, should the topic ever arise. Don’t get me wrong, as I’m very proud of my kids but this archaic perspective of a woman’s reproductive responsibilities are as bogus as Mr. Rogers neighborhood. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go sew a quilt, bake bread for a week and starch my beloved husband’s tainted Fruit of the Looms.
Both my father’s wife, and my second oldest sister have gone the route of being mothers and grandmothers, without having children of their own. In fact, both of them managed to get their children well into the kids’ highschool years. I dare anyone to aproach either one about ‘having your own child’. I wanna be there to watch the busybody’s lungs being extracted via their mouth: For them, none of this “I’m too polite to not clobber you for being rude” stuff. They’ll each put it right on the line.
As far as either one’s concerned, their step children are their own children, and that fact that they didn’t have to deal with rug-rats and curtain-climbers is a huge bonus. Each of them are very grateful to the kids’ birth mothers, and go out of their way to make sure they (the kids’ bio-moms) get treated right.
I’ve another sister whom has no child, her daughter having died at a very young age. she and her partner have zip-point-diddly intention of having another child. When she gets asked that oh-so-evil question “But don’t you miss her, don’t you want another?”, she whips out the most in-penatrable flat stare I’ve ever seen. After about a minute or so, the questioner goes away on their own.
Another two sisters, and likely a brother as well, are highly unlikely to have children, just because. They all love kids, and each would be a fine parent, but they just don’t have any desire to be parents. Again, these are smart, educated, sarcastic people. The Zombies From Planet Parent never stand a chance against them. The body count of flayed busybodies runs to the scores.
I like people who don’t wish to be parents. It means my child has lotsa aunts (and an uncle) to fawn over her, fill-in when a babysitter isn’t available, play with her on holidays, and generally make her life more fun and magical. Oh, and there’ll less competition when she goes for college. My siblings who do have children feel the same way.
Biologically speaking, maiden (yeah, right!) aunts and bachellor uncles help ensure the survival of their sisters’ and brothers’ children by helping produce income/food/guard the village/build shelter/watch the kids/etc., without producing more mouths to feed. Think of them as worker bees for society, increasing the value of the hive. God bless you, all you whom are Childless By Choice! You make my life easier, and my daughter’s life better.
Jeez, Tranquilis, that’s about the rudest thing I’ve ever heard in the various kids/no kids threads. Your sister has infinitely more class than anyone who’d presume to say such a thing, it’s right up there with telling someone who’s miscarried that they’re young and can just have another.
I detect a lot of jealous resentment (“How dare SHE be independent when I didn’t have the guts?”)
My siblings who do have children feel the same way.