Kindly Refrain From Telling My Kid To Ask For A Sibling!

The BBQ Pit
1

I was hesitant to post this in the Pit, since I know that the people who are guilty of this mean well but I just can’t deal with it anymore.

I am just so sick of thoughtless people telling me that I need to have another baby or worse, telling TinyTot to tell mommy to give him a baby brother or sister. I wish they would stop and think that perhaps there is a good reason why TinyTot is five years old and still an only child.

See, in our case it’s not that we didn’t try to have another child, I just can’t seem to carry another pregnancy to term. And because of my last miscarriage, we don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it again. This is not something that is easy for me to talk about with my close friends, let alone near strangers.

And the thing is, TT would love to have a brother or sister. And since he’s only five, he doens’t quite understand why he doesn’t have one and when people tell him to ask Mommy for one he thinks it’s just that easy. I can’t tell you how much it breaks my heart to tell him “We’ll see, but I don’t know when or if we can have another baby”. He wants a brother or sister so badly that he’s designated a stuffed Pokemon as his brother, and we treat it just like a baby. We’ll not even discuss the idiot who told him that big boys don’t carry stuffed animals around.

And you know, even if it weren’t because of medical problems, it’s still rude and thoughtless. People have many reasons why they only have one child. For people who can’t have another, or even a first, it hurts when it’s brought up, for people who choose only to have one (or none) it makes them feel on the spot.

In my situation, all of the pain is still very fresh in my mind. Everytime somebody asks “when are you going to have another” or worse “you need to have another baby” it’s as if it’s happening all over again. I know that they mean well and somehow that just makes it worse. I just wish people would think before they asked, or said, such personal things.

2

My stepdaughter is really into the idea of having a baby sister, she’s been taught to pray for one, and she does every night. I think we should teach her that if she really wants a baby sister, she shouldn’t come knocking on the bedroom door on Saturday morning. 8^)

I’m feel for you re: the miscarriages. Perhaps it might be a good idea to tell your child that you can’t have any more, as kids that age often see things in absolutes, either yes you will have another or no you won’t - if they are led to believe there is a chance and they really want something, they will think they will eventually get what they want. Of course, there are negatives to that, like the kid telling the people who tell him to ask for one that Mommy can’t have babies…that might shut them up, though…

3

I haven’t told him that there is no possiblity yet, because it’s only been about a month since we found out that our chances are only about 30% of having another in the old fashioned way.

I’ve started thinking about our options, like fertility treatments and adoption, so it’s not impossible, it’s just not going to happen this year.

He did know about one miscarriage, and went around telling everybody that “our baby died”. That was heartbreaking. He still asks why our baby died, and I just don’t have good answers for him, since we don’t even know. We just tell him it happens sometimes, and he makes up his own theories. His latest is that I didn’t let my food cool sufficiently before eating it, it hurts to hear that, but I understand that the concept of something just dying for no reason is scary to a child.

4

tater, I wish you all the luck in the world with this. It’s hard enough for adults to try to understand why things happen and to accept that they just sometimes do, let alone explain that to a small child. I’m sorry you have to deal with the insensitivity of others when you’ve got so much to handle as it is. What do they think, that the concept of having another might not occur to you if they didn’t say something? You’re right, the fact that they’re well-meaning makes it worse if anything.

I’m not sure what it is about procreation that makes people think intensely private matters are their business. I have been asked in front of my two daughters if I’m going to “try for a boy.” I have childless friends who have to deal with this crap all the time, friends with one child who go through it, and even friends with more than two children who have been berated by strangers for overpopulating the world. Whether the number of children you have is by choice or by circumstance, it really serves no purpose for people to do this. They need to think before they speak.

On a lighter note, when I was pregnant with my second child, my older daughter was very disappointed when I told her that we couldn’t choose the sex of the baby. One day I brought her along to the O.B. for my routine checkup and he casually asked her, “So, do you want a brother or a sister?” She looked shocked and a little taken aback. Slowly, her eyes lit up, she said confidently, “A sister, please” and looked at me as if to say, “See? You just had to ask!” He’s damn lucky she got her sister.

5

Oh yes, we’ve been getting the “Well, wouldn’t it be nice to have a little girl?” a lot.

And since I’m ranting now, it seems to be quite the fashion these days for people to talk about how they don’t want sons because “they couldn’t deal with a boy”. Okay fine, if that’s how you feel, more power to you. Just don’t talk about it in front of MY precious little boy, okay? I think anyone with experience can tell you, both sexes have it in them to cause plenty o’ trouble. :slight_smile:

It’s kind of interesting how it’s gone from try til you get a boy to try til you get a girl among the white middle class. I read a good article about it in the NY Times, but you have to pay to read the archived articles now or I’d link to it. I can sort of understand the desire to have a daughter, but at this point in my life, I’d take any sort of baby.

6

Death is a tricky thing to handle with kids. We told our stepdaughter that when you die you go to heaven, and that her dead relatives are in heaven watching her. She went through a phase for a few days where she was talking about how she looked forward to when SHE died, so she could go to heaven and see her grandma. She also has been thinking about how everyone gets old and dies, and would start telling us how Mommy was going to die, then me, and then her cousins, and then her, with occasional questions about the ages of various people she knows so she can get the order right. At least she’s not scared of dying (I wasn’t brought up to believe in an afterlife and I was terrified of it from a young age) but it’s kinda spooky when she starts going off on how we are all going to die.

7

tater,
I’m sorry you are dealing with this- I really am. I wish I could tell you what to say.
I get a similar thing- my husband and I tried to get pregnant for about a year and were unsuccessful. Unfortunately, my back problem (I had a near total spinal fusion) got much worse and my doctor strongly recommended we stop trying, as my health had deteriorated to far to carry a baby safely. I made the mistake when we first started trying of telling people we were trying. Now I get all these inquiries, advice, etc about it. It tears my heart out, it really does. I’ve just taken to saying “You know, I would really like to talk about something else. Anything.”

::sigh:: People just don’t realize how an “innocent” comment can cut right through to the bone.

Zette

8

Grr… People who feel they need to care about your business bother the snot out of me.

A quick note on adoption, if you’re even thinking about it start now. The screening process can take years. You can always drop out later, but if you want it to be an option get it moving.

9

Oh, tater, I’m so sorry. I don’t know when it became socially acceptable to pry into other people’s reproductive schedule. And manipulating your son as their little “agent of population increase” is just wrong. Is it the ubermommies doing most of the damage? During my time in Central Europe, the “why aren’t you married with babies, soon you will be too old” barrage could be quite relentless.

My mom was infertile, and after years and years of “when are you gonna have a kid?” and awful fertility treatments (this was the 1970’s, people) and adoption screenings she finally adopted 7-month-old-me, followed by my two brothers a few years later. I’m sure the poor woman has heard every prying, awful, rude question in the book.

Now we just laugh when we meet friends of hers who don’t know I’m adopted go to great pains to tell me how much we look alike. Her: 5’9", light hair, light eyes, pale, pink skin, long-legged, skinny, fairly flat-chested. Me: 5’4", dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin, boobs like cantelopes.

Now repeat after me:

(fake smile & sarcasm) “How kind of you to inquire about something so personal! You obviously care about me a great deal.” Hold that fake smile and eye contact as long as you need to, until they get embarrassed.

Just like “fuck off”, that statement can be translated into any language you need.

10

As a single unattached guy, my jaw dropped as I read your post, tt. People actually say things like that!?!? Good God, the jerks in this world.

11

You have my understanding and sympathy to Tater. My wife and I have recently found out that having children of our own might not be a possibility for us. It’s very difficult to deal with questions like “So when are you two going to have kids?”

12

Heh, just wait until you meet the future Mrs. Stuyguy, before the wedding is even planned the “So, when ya having kids” will start.
Unless you are under 25 - then you will be a baby having a baby. Plus you should think about your career.

Or unless you are over 35 - then you get the earnestly concerned questions about are you sure it would be safe to have a baby. You really shouldn’t have put so much emphasis on your career, you know.

Assuming you have said baby, I guarantee that some wise guy will ask when you’ll have another before the cord falls off…sometimes they manage to do it before the cord is even cut.

However, if you have said second baby too soon after the first, people will assume it was a mistake.

But…if you wait to long between children, then they will assume it was a mistake too.

If you only have children of one sex, they will assume you are just dying to have one of the opposite sex.

If you have more than two children, then they will either assume you are careless or Catholic. More enlightened people realize that Mormon is an option, too.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, I’ll save the can’t win situations of raising a child for later.
(Sorry to assume you’re hetero, but I have no idea what Homosexuals get asked)

13

Well, you’ll never hear me saying anything like that, but I don’t generally like kids so I think less of them is a good idea! :slight_smile:

14

If only we could all be as sensitive as you, Fredge. I’m so fucking happy that they had to remove one of my fallopian tubes so that there is less chance of me bothering you with my spawn.

You know, I don’t really fly off the handle like this, but if that is your idea of a joke that is fucking funny to somebody who was told just one month ago that she might never be able to have children again, then I feel really sorry for you.

Either you lack reading comprehension skills or it pleases you in some way to make me feel like I’ve been slapped in the face.

And that fucking smilie doesn’t make it okay you bastard.

15

Tatertot,
I am sorry that you are going through so much pain.:frowning: I understand the nosy questions and manipulative busybodies all too well…

I had my first son in 1991. We had been trying to have a baby for two years. No luck. We gave up completely, and resigned ourselves to being childless. People would ask us all the time, “When are you going to have kids?” People who didn’t know us well. People who should mind their own business.

Well, I got laid off from my job, and while I was out job-hunting, I started getting dizzy spells. I couldn’t believe I was pregnant! I told as few people as possible, because in my late teens, I had gotten pregnant (accidentally) and miscarried, with complications. I was afraid it would happen again.

Anyhow, baby-J was born two weeks past his due date, after a fairly easy pregnancy.:slight_smile:

Fast-forward a year or so, and our financial situation is good, and we have excellent medical insurance. We decide to try again. No luck. I try fertility pills. Nothing.
Meanwhile, people who barely know us keep asking us, “Why do you only have one kid? Don’t you know that only children are lonely?”

As baby-J got older, he started to have behavioral problems. He is highly gifted, and has major social difficulties. He has been in and out of counseling, and we are doing everthing we can to help.
For years, folks would tell us that his problems were caused by his only child status, and would accuse us of being selfish for not having another child. All this with a sensitive, gifted kid in earshot.:mad:

We heard so much of this that baby-J started to say “I’m like this because I’m an only child.” I wish that people who don’t know us, or barely know us, would shut the hell up.

It is amazing how many people will blindly butt their damn noses into such an intimate, and painful, situation. Most strangers wouldn’t ask about one’s married sex life, yet they casually ask, “Why don’t you have [more] kids?” Damn it, that hurts. {{{Tater}}}:frowning:

After almost seven years, I got pregnant again! I spotted for the first four months, and started to have too many contractions at seven months. I was on partial bedrest for a few weeks, until they stopped. (I found the SDMB during that time). Baby-O made it to full term.:slight_smile:

I feel so bad for you. I wanted to post in your memorial thread, but I didn’t know what to say. I know what it’s like, but I am one of the lucky ones who gets a miracle. My miracle came shortly before my 37th birthday. I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

We’ve already been asked when we are going to try for a girl…grrrrrrrrr!

I wish I had some advice to give on what you might say to these people, but I find I am always unprepared to answer them myself. I wish folks would think before they speak. It’s not an innocent question.

Again, {{{{Tater}}}}

—Kris

16

I know exactly what you’re going through, Tatertot. I had major complications with my son, and ended up having an emergency c-section and hysterectomy when he was born. I feel this is somewhat personal, and don’t feel the need to share it with everyone, but people always ask when we are going to have another one.
Sorry, but it was rather upsetting when it happened, knowing I could never have more kids (which we might have done), so can you please stop asking why we haven’t had another baby?
Background: Hubby and I were both married before and each had a daughter from those marriages. The girls are 11 & 12, our son is 4. The age differences between them are a little unusual, so I guess people think we need another one close to him in age.
Why the hell do I need to reproduce like a bunny rabbit? Isn’t three enough?!?

Minor Hijack/Rant
People who are way too proud of having 5 or 6 or more kids. There is a family in my school (I’m a teacher) with 8 (yes, EIGHT!) kids; the oldest is 17. The father is always talking about how he has 8 kids, asking how many kids other people have, as if choosing to stop after only 1 or 2 kids is somehow bad, and he is somehow better because he made so many kids.
Ok, fine, your dick works. Stop bragging about it.

17

I feel for you. I think that most people go through strangers butting into their personal lives. For me, it’s a bit of the opposite. I’m 29, and often pass for my early to mid-twenties. Strangers are always stopping me and asking me about having four kids. They’re all aghast. FOUR?? FOUR?? Are they all yours? Well, none of them really look like me, so I suppose it might be considered a valid question, if it was any of their business. Then of course, the question of why. Do I really want to share the fact that my birth control keeps failing with every stranger who asks? It would appear that the business of reproducing oneself should be community knowledge, judging by the number of people who ask. Then, people still have to ask about my age. Was I a teen when I started, do they all have the same father. Sheesh. Why don’t I just write a little bio for you?

People everywhere are just plain nosy.

One of my friends keeps getting quizzed on why her and her boyfriend aren’t married yet, because they’ve been dating for 6 1/2 years. My sister gets quizzed because she’s 36 and still single.

Maybe we should all just put the intimate details of our lives on a t-shirt. It would save a lot of time.

18

I never cease to be amazed at the rights people feel they have to comment on personal lives of utter strangers…

<hugs tater>

Best of strength to you and yours.

19

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tater}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You have my deepest sympathies. The pain from knowing that you may never have kids again is compounded a thousandfold by the assholishness of people who mean well, but whose brains apparently disconnect from their mouths when they see you.

After I lost my son, it became apparent that I was most likely going to be infertile. So, when I tell people I have no kids, the first answer I get back is “Well, there’s still plenty of time”. My mother, who should know better, has told me that I need to have a baby to get over my loss. (Uh, thanks, Mom, but I can’t replace what I lost. I didn’t lose a car.) My grandmother, on hearing that I may be infertile, said “It’s just as well.” (That’s one of the reasons we’re not on speaking terms at the moment.)

So, keep your chin up, and feel free to give those morons cold, withering looks that make them remember urgent dental appointments. :slight_smile:

Oh, and Fredge, if that remark had been aimed at me, your gonads (assuming you have any) would’ve been removed with a rusty spoon. Less of your kids is a good idea, but how dare you tell a thread full of people dealing with the pain of infertility that

Asshole!

Robin

20

I can’t speak from personal experience on this topic, as Mr. Scarlett and I have chosen not to have children, and no one’s really pestered us about it. But I do agree that people can be real jerks when poking into what is not their business!

I’ve always liked Ann Landers’s suggested response (said most politely, but firmly; insert the parenthetical part if you wish):

“Tell you what: If you’ll forgive me for not answering such an intensely personal question (that’s really none of your business), I’ll forgive you for asking it.”

Then change the subject.

Of course, this can be changed to “for not discussing such a personal topic,” “ignoring such a thoughtless/hurtful/insensitive remark about my personal business,” etc. as the case may be.

I recognize that it may be hard at time to summon the courage to say these things, but if you can, it can be wildly effective.