Kindly Refrain From Telling My Kid To Ask For A Sibling!

The BBQ Pit
21

TaterTot,

People have no right to be doing that. NONE, whatsoever.

I hate being told I should have kids when I don’t want them. I hate that people feel they can tell me what I should do or what decisions I should make in this area. For me, it’s an angering thing. For those who either can’t have any kids or can’t have as many as they would like, it’s a painful thing.

I also have a close family friend who desperately wanted to have a baby, bout couldn’t. It drove her nuts that people would go on and on about how she needs to have a baby before its too late or before she’s too old or whatever other reasons. It pained her because this was something she wanted and could not have. Yet at the same time, this is one arena where people can’t seem to keep their noses out of others’ lives. This friend eventually adopted a baby. That child is now 6 years old.

I also have a co-worker whose wife is dealing with many problems that prevent her from being able to become pregnant. She puts on that straight face and smiles bravely when people begin poking their noses in and demanding she have a baby right now. She’s not even an aggressive enough person to tell these people to stay out of her business. Some people pester her about infertility treatments, even after she says she is unable to bear children right now. She and hubby have been trying IT for over 2 years!

Those people need to understand that whatever reason you don’t have another child is your reason. Be it because you’ve chosen not to have anymore (you already have a kid, why do they think you need another one?) or because you are having medical problems (they only drive the pain deeper in reminding you of this)…whatever the case is a valid case.

{{{{{TaterTot}}}}}

Good Luck with this situation TT. You have backers of all kinds here at SDMB. We won’t bug you about it.

:slight_smile:

22

Here’s my suggestion:
Gauche Sod: You need to have another baby!
tatertot: An interesting suggestion. So, how often do you masturbate?
Gauche Sod: (Indignant look)
tatertot: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you wanted to discuss intensely private matters.

FWIW, I’m an only child because my mother developed a pituitary tumor after having me, and attempts at adoption failed. People probably made dumb comments like this in front of me, and I don’t even remember them. I really wanted a sibling when I was about 7, but I grew to truly appreciate all the perks of being an only.

Good luck to you and your family.

23

I cast my vote for this response.

Tracy, these people are obnoxious and although they may not have thought ahead about how hurtful a comment like that is, they do not deserve a nicer response. I don’t know why preganancy and conception is the one facet of sexual behavior that everyone feels is public domain.

You never see people warning individuals with diseases and movement-restrictive injuries about gaining too much weight–yet they lecture pregnant women. You never see people touching body parts of a perfect stranger without asking first–yet they touch pregnant women. No one ever goes up to men and says, “So, when are you going to have that little impotence problem fixed?”–yet everyone finds it acceptable to ask women about their sexual “misfortunes”.

As you well know, I am bombarded with the “Why don’t you guys have kids?” and “When are you guys going to have kids?” comments all the time. And then, if I avoid question, they start in on the “But you would be such a good mother…” crap! Like it never occurred to me!

Tracy, next time, just hit them. For all of us!

24

Ugh. My mother would tell you a boy is much easier.

I was a very neat baby. Sure, it took near ten months for me to get out of my mommy, but I was neat to make up for it.

iamsister1 was not. Boy, was she ever not. You want to talk about food going anywhere but one’s mouth, go read the book she wrote!

25

Go eat a fork, you insensitive prick.

pldennison and peta tzunami made the decision not to have kids, but you don’t seem them popping in here to say “good for you for only having tinytot”, do you? That’s right, you don’t, because unlike you, they’re not pricks.

Well, okay, phil is an asshole, but he’s a lovable asshole:)

26

{{{{{tatertot}}}}} I’m so sorry that years of Oprah and advice columns still haven’t made an impact on people who feel your business is their business. Jeez, whatever happened to tact and common sense? I wish you nothing but the very best in terms of health and happiness.

Let me weigh in as an unmarried, boyfriendless woman: STOP asking me when I’m going to have kids! I’m ALONE, fool – are you telling me to visit a sperm bank or have an unprotected one-night stand? I totally admire women who have the intestinal fortitude to raise a child alone, but if you must know, I’m too selfish/scared to deliberately choose that path. I want/need a partner to help me raise our child. So lay off for Christ’s sake and stop telling me what a great mom I’d make, because you’re breaking my heart!

<ddep breath> Thank you.

27

Dear tatertot-

I was a newbie when you had your miscarriage, and watching you go through that broke my heart. It was the love and support that I saw for you on this board that pushed me over the edge into SDMB addiction.

Now my heart breaks for you again with this new sadness.

You are clearly a wonderful mother, who loves her son and has more than enough love to give to another child, too. I will be praying for you to have a miracle. You deserve one.

And Fredge? I am sure that you did not mean to be hurtful, but the fact remains…you were. In case you are not already aware of it, an apology is in order.

Let me weigh in with my own standard answer to impertinent questions…courtesy of my very OWN ScottiMom. Draw yourself up to your full height, look down your nose, and say “Why do you ask?” A frosty glare helps, especially when you are only 5’4" and your full height is not considerable…

Scotti

28

You and I have talked alot about having babes Tracy. I am in the opposite shoes. I lost my first one, had my boyo who has disabilities and really wanted to have at least one more. Everybody kept telling us that we shouldn’t since we already had more than we could handle. WTF does that mean I have no idea. I don’t consider parenting “handling” nor do I consider my son too much to handle. Life would be very different without him and not to the positive.

I always gave the direct answer, its our decision. Unfortunately mr. ex took it all to heart and by the time he decided he wanted another, it was the weekend I told him our marriage was over.

Fredge, while I respect that you aren’t interested in having children, I don’t think this was the forum to share that tidbit of info with us.

29

People can be thoughtless and insensitive at times. A dear friend of mine at work went through 4 miscarriages. Of course it ripped her heart out each time. Finally she has a beautiful baby girl, at age 37, and she is a wonderful mother.
My heart goes out to you TT. I have one child, because of medical reasons my ex had we couldn’t have another one.

And since this is the Pit:

fredge How fortunate you are that your parents didn’t have your attitude, and it seems how unfortunate we are that they didn’t.

30

Let’s see if I’ve got this straight.

Tatertot says she doesn’t appreciate people telling her/asking her to have more kids.

I say that I would never say something like that because I don’t personally like kids.

I didn’t say anything about her difficulty having them. I didn’t say she shouldn’t have another one or try for another one or another fifty if that’s what her pleasure is.

I did say that I thought less kids is a good thing, but it wasn’t intended as a shot at tatertot or anyone else in particular.

And ultress: You’re right. It’s unfortunate my parents didn’t have my attitude.

31

Fredge-

You are missing the point. It doesn’t matter WHAT you meant to indicate. I am willing to accept that you didn’t mean to be hurtful, but…you were.

Are you so bent on being RIGHT that you are unwilling to apologize to someone you have hurt?

If so, please do not expect me to be so charitable toward your motives in the future.

Scotti

32

I’m obviously in the wrong place here.

Tatertot: I’m sorry you found my comment hurtful. That wasn’t my intention.

33

AND, let me save you the trouble of posting that you could not care LESS about my opinions, my attitude toward you or me in general. I think that we can safely assume that this is the case.

I am sure, however, that your parents are glad that they had you. Parents generally are.

Have a really, really nice day.

34

Oops, simulpost.

Thank you, Fredge.

Please don’t go away.

35

Fredge,

I accept your apology and I am offering one of my own for my over-the-top response. I should have waited until I’d calmed down before posting. Several of us in this thread are in pain over our inability to have children, and anything that reminds us of that, however innocently intended, cuts deeply. While I can not speak for the others, I think our we were all angry over the place and timing of your remark rather than than strictly what you said.

I am sorry that you feel that you are in the wrong place, we do welcome a wide variety of opinions at the SDMB. Please do not leave on my account.

Tracy

36

dum dee dum dee dum dee deeeeee…

Think I’ll stroll in here and lighten up the dark mood with a grossly sexist comment!

Tater, I always encourage ladies who look like you to bear female offspring.

It’s my own personal Lady Bird Johnson plan for beautifying the world for future generations.

37

Tatertot it’s awful when people are so insensitive. Because my last child was born with disabilities, people assume I’m going to have another child. You know like, try it again and get it right? I love the child I have and she is every bit a little kid! I don’t feel cheated and she has a good life. With two kids my family is complete.

Well, someone continued sticking her nose where it didn’t belong so I casually replied at the dinner table (in laws on all sides) that I wasn’t a farm animal and I’d be embarrassed to tell me I had more than two children. Not that I really believe this. I was cornered and disqusted of hearing it. Oh by the way … the woman who couldn’t mind her own business had five. Sure shut her up.

38

Ike, I thought you encouraged people to have children so that we could take them on planes to annoy the living bejesus out of people. Or is that just a side benefit? :wink:

39

When I had my miscarriage, I had only just discovered my pregnancy. My husband and I had just gotten married, three weeks before. I had a nagging cold, and went to the doctor. He wanted to give me some medicine, and as a matter of routine, before giving me this medicine, asked if I might possibly be pregnant. I had skipped my last period, but had all my PMS symptoms, so I didn’t even think about it (I’d been pregnant before, so I thought I’d have a clue, you know?). I put it down to stress (hey, I’d been planning an elopement). I told him that, but he decided to do a blood test just in case. That night, I bought a home test for the same reason–just in case. Whaddya know–I was pregnant.

That was Friday. Sunday night, I started spotting, and by Monday, I was bleeding heavily. I called the doctor, and we did everything we could, but it was too late. The miscarriage was complete by the next day.

The pregnancy was not planned, but my husband and I had indeed wanted to have a child together, so we were actually pretty happy about it, even that early in the marriage.

After the miscarriage, though, I started getting a lot of questions. I knew these folks were well meaning, but still, it hurt. “So, will you be trying again soon?” was the most popular. How was I supposed to answer that? Christ, I was in the process of miscarrying when the blood test came back positive! I had next to no time to adjust to the fact that I was actually pregnant, and now you want to know when I’m going to do it again?

My closer friends-with-a-clue never said things like that, thank goodness. They hugged me and expressed their condolences. Same with my family, Goddess love them.

((((Tracy))))

You know we love you here, and you can always count on us for support. I’d also recommend AerynSun’s suggestion. If that doesn’t stop them in their ignorant tracks, I don’t know what will!

40

Here is my suggestion:

“well, actually I had two other children, but they died in a car accident. I’d try to have more, but after my ovarian cancer, my ovaries were removed. I cry every night wishing I could have more children. Thank you for bringing it up.”

If you can try to look like you’re going to cry, do it.

Maybe this will shock them into realizing how fargin’ rude they’re being.