Today I was having a conversation with a bunch of my coworkers during lunch break. We were all talking about dating and how they met their SO. I brought up that during my last relationship I mentioned a few weeks in that I wanted kids. The fellow I was dating didn’t, so we parted ways.
Typically after a few dates and it seems to be going well, I will bring up what they see for themselves in the future. Do they see themselves married? Having kids?Just the getting to know you stuff. I was telling my coworkers that if a guy doesn’t see himself having kids or getting married that I will tend to not go out with them again because that is something I want in my life. Marriage and children.
They found this extreme. That by bringing it up so soon in any relationship or dating that it brings pressure to the other person. I don’t see it that way. I see it as; I’m 32 years old and I know I want children. If I factor in a year of dating, a year for engagement and then starting a family; I will be close to 35 or 36 years old. I don’t see wasting time with someone (who may be a great guy) that doesn’t have the same goal or plan at me.
My co workers feel I’m jumping the gun or that I am being to forward. I feel like I am running out of time and I don’t want to lose anymore time unnecessarily.
What do you guys think? Do you think it is to forward of me to ask a guy a month in if he wants kids? Do you think it is wrong that I decide not to date them if they don’t? What is your overall opinion??
I don’t think it’s remotely too forward, and I think it’s absolutely right that you decide not to date them if their goals are not yours. You’re being smart and you are saving everyone heartache.
ETA: People doing internet dating or the like should say these things up front when possible. Save everyone time and anguish.
For me the kid question was asked during the pre-date interview (usually a short phone conversation in which we both explained our absolute dealbreakers for a relationship).
That’s what I figured. Just be completely upfront. Most of my co-workers felt that if the guy I was dating or on the date with wanted kids, that kind of question would scare them off.
Depends how you define “date,” I suppose. I met my wife in Korea, and the system there was first you have a talk. During this talk, you see if you have compatible goals. Then, if the two of you are agreeable, then you start dating. It was really rare to have a real date before getting to know the person. Usually, the talk was a daytime meeting in a public place, only for coffee or some other cheap drink, and over very quickly.
These talks were also arranged by matchmakers, friends, or group dates.
I see absolutely nothing at all wrong with figuring out life goals and compatibility in the very early “dating” stages of a relationship. If s/he is dead-set absolutely never, ever going to get married/have kids, it’s a waste of your time and theirs to pursue it any further.
I like to bring it up early, but I’m also clear that I’m not asking if they want kids with ME, but in general. The only pressure comes in if the other party thinks you’re trying to get on the baby train with them that week, rather than just trying to get to know them.
I think it can be brought up too early in dating. A man does want to feel like a woman is interested in him for his own sake and she’s not just thinking, “I’ve decided I want to have children and your sperm will do the job as well as any other.”
You women and your constant need for sex, sex, sex - don’t you understand we’d like a little romance?
I definitely try to bring up kids within the first couple of months of a relationship (unfortunately, most of my relationships don’t get that far ). My vision of my future is being married and having children, and if that’s not what Mr. Right wants, then maybe he’s not Mr. Right. When checking Okcupid, I pass up the men who check ‘Doesn’t want kids’ – I am not going into a relationship hoping to eventually change his mind or entrap him with a surprise baby, but neither am I going to put myself in the position of falling madly in love with someone who doesn’t wish for the same kind of life that I wish for.
Several of the guys I dated in the USA brought up the marriage and kids questions themselves, often in the first date, sometimes before. I think it’s important to know whether you have the same goals in mind: there were times when knowing that we were on different relationship speeds turned a potential date into an outing, we still went together to watch that show or visit that street market, but it was clearly Not A Romantic Thing. I’m fine with dates and I’m fine with outings, so long as both parties know which is which.
I told Mr. Levins before we were even dating (in the friends stage) that I didn’t ever see myself having kids. He said he didn’t either.
And then, about two months into our brand-new relationship, my period was late.
I explained, kindly but firmly, that while I did not want children I did not necessarily see myself aborting a pregnancy if one should happen. I was quite honest; I said I’d never been pregnant, and I would have no idea what I would do if I were, but that he should know that abortion would not be automatic. An option, yes. But not the default.
He was surprised but supportive.
No, I wasn’t pregnant. No, I still don’t want kids.
But he knows where I stand, and he knew it quite early on. I don’t see the point of not being honest about this type of thing, particularly if you’re past 30. (I was 29 at that point; I’m 32 now.) The clock does tick, and it’s best to make things clear. Any man who doesn’t respect that is fooling himself into thinking that he’s still in college, when “that kind of thing” is “sooo far away in the future” that it shouldn’t be a question now.
Actually one of the things I liked about online dating is that you could put that shit right in your profile, and it’s usually a form question so must people answer. I think with us it came up in the first 2 or 3 months, but it was reconfirming what he already said. And it wasn’t a big deal, just “Oh yeah I want kids.” Like a lot of things, when you’re on the same page it’s not a big deal.
Asking questions to determine if you’re compatible is the entire point of dating. So by those standards, you’re perfectly in your right to seek out this information.
But when you say things like the above (even just to us) you change your question from an objective fact gathering mission to “let’s get a move on this relationship already! i have a 5 year plan and we’re already in year 3!” That just puts way too much pressure both on the person you’re dating and you.
There are people who want kids [or don’t object if one pops out] and those who definitely do NOT want kids. You really do need to find out as soon as possible which sort the other person is.
It is heartbreaking to discover that you do not have the same familial goals after one has fallen in love.
I was always clear with my dates that I wanted kids. Sometimes it came up within the first few dates, sometimes a month later. Sometimes I dated friends or coworkers, who were already aware of my desire for kids. I think only once I scared a guy away with it, and it was probably all in the delivery.
In the few years before meeting the man who is now my husband, I met most of my dates online and match.com has a question that is something like “Wants kids?” and I would only chose to date men who did. And they could see that I did, too.
I don’t think there’s anything really that wrong in being realistic about how much time you have remaining in childbearing years, or with being realistic about not wanting to waste anyone’s time. Though if you start stressing about it when already in a relationship that’s when it starts getting bad.
How old are your co-workers? If they’re in their 20’s I would totally understand how their point of view might differ. I would’ve been scared off if someone I dated in college tried to ask me that after a couple of dates. Now, not so much.
). My vision of my future is being married and having children, and if that’s not what Mr. Right wants, then maybe he’s not Mr. Right. When checking Okcupid, I pass up the men who check ‘Doesn’t want kids’ – I am not going into a relationship hoping to eventually change his mind or entrap him with a surprise baby, but neither am I going to put myself in the position of falling madly in love with someone who doesn’t wish for the same kind of life that I wish for.