I have had several relationships. In half of them, the women that I was dating wanted to know, very soon - within just a few weeks or months of the relationship beginning - whether the relationship was headed towards marriage or not, and essentially were asking for a commitment to marriage near the very outset of the relationship.
Just wanted to ask if this is typical or normal - it does seem unusually forward, but these women were over the age of 30, so maybe they felt marriage pressure in a way that women age 20-25 would not. Is this only typical of women in that age range?
For those who dated women younger (20-25, or even 26-28,) was there that same marriage pressure already present within the first few months of a relationship?
A 31 year old acquaintance just got married last week. When she turned 30, she freaked out over being single and began dating hard. A couple friends of mine (one 40, the other 48) each went out with her twice. They both told identical horror stories. A very nice first date, ending in a sleep over involving intense sex. On the second date she steered the discussion toward marriage, including very specific ideas about the ceremony, honeymoon, where they’d live, etc.
They each ran away at that point. She didn’t give up and eventually “caught” a guy. I hope she is happy.
Marriage no. But talks about making the relationship exclusive in the early stages doesn’t sound weird to me at all.
In fact, I’ve been in exclusive relationships before we even got to the exchange of “I love yous” part of the relationship.
But then again, I’m 47 and recently single, so WTF do I know?
> . . . A very nice first date, ending in a sleep over involving intense sex. On the second
> date she steered the discussion toward marriage, including very specific ideas about the
> ceremony, honeymoon, where they’d live, etc. . . .
Agree that after a few months, it isn’t predatory to think about whether the relationship is headed that way, and anyone who doesn’t want to have that conversation then ought to nut up, admit it, and let the other person loose to find someone who is.
Sometimes both people are on the same page as early as the first weeks. My husband and I began to talk marriage in week 3.
I will agree with others that weeks seems too early, months does not, for wanting an answer on whether you view a particular relationship is already a “dead end”. On the flipside, asking very early a “hey, are or are you not open getting married in the next 2-3 years in general?” seems more reasonable to me. I’m sure it’ll make some run, because they’ll think it’s asking for a specific commitment. But I just can’t think of any other way to say “if you are opposed to marriage in the relatively near future, then we aren’t looking for the same thing right now.” Because it’s okay to want a casual relationship, or a deep relationship that won’t last, or really anything. But it’s also okay to find out if the other person just doesn’t want what you do. This is especially the case when you “don’t have time to waste” (women who are entering a period of declining fertility and a year or two with a guy who was never going to want to be the husband/father may seriously diminish her chances of ever having kids).
A few weeks is odd for someone you don’t know that well. I agree within a few months is enough time to at least get a sense whether things are serious.
Sr. Weasel and I had been close friends for about a year before we fell in love, and I put it pretty plainly from the start that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Fortunately, he felt the same way. We did discuss marriage, in the ''how about after we graduate?" sense. We discussed kids, what we wanted out of the future, what kind of standard of living we wanted, and our shared values. Both of us agreed that we didn’t want to marry until we’d been together for a few years, but it was clear from day one this was as serious as it gets.
We were 19. We married at 23. We are now 34.
Frankly, I have never been patient with relationships, and I don’t want to waste my time with someone I don’t see a future with. In third grade, I pulled my boyfriend behind the bleachers and kissed him because he was too slow on the uptake. And then I remember in fourth grade breaking up with a kid because I didn’t think he was mature enough to marry someday. LOL. Figures when I finally did meet the love of my life, I’d be the one putting it all on the line. A risk well-taken.
After a few weeks it wouldn’t be odd to want to know if the other person is either opposed to marriage in general or opposed to marrying you in specific. This is not asking for a commitment.
This. A lot of people out there are just dating for fun without ever really wanting it to go further. How long should a person have to wait to find out if you’re just screwing around so they can move on and find someone who is looking for what they’re looking for.
Right. So there’s a big difference to me, between saying, ''Is this relationship headed for marriage?" and ''Are you looking for a committed relationship?"
Maybe some people mean the latter but say the former, and freak people out. But we have all seen desperation and how unsettling it can be. I remember a guy telling me he loved me on the third date. Um, no.
Normally I tell a woman I love her before the appetizers even arrive and then tell her what our 12 children will be named. Peter, James, John, Andrew, Bartholomew, James II, Judas, Jude, Matthew, Philip, Simon, Thomas. 60% of the time it works everytime.
If a woman has determined you are a good idea AND she is ready to get hitched that question will be on her mind continuously so yes it’s normal to have it a few weeks out. Once women have determined they are interested in being married little time is wasted in finding out if you are of like mind. If not they have to weigh the odds of you coming around and if you are worth waiting for.
Heh. I had an inverse/converse something-verse thing happen when I was a college freshman. I met a guy at a mixer and we had a nice chat, then he walked me back to my dorm. When we were almost there, he said, “there’s something you should know…I don’t ever plan to get married.”
That really turned me off…geez, I was 17 years old at the time, WTF? Why would he think I gave a shit about his ideas on marriage on what was not even our first date but our first meeting? Arrogant much?
I’m not sure why I bothered to give him the time of day after that, but we did end up in a fairly serious relationship for about 3 years. (I teased him a lot over the years about how conceited that comment was.) Ironically, HE wanted to get married as soon as I got out of college, and I was the one who broke up with him because I thought he was too serious.
Anyway, I am probably too old and atypical to have a useful answer for the OP, but FWIW I’m in agreement with everything **Spice Weasel **has said.
I can’t fairly or accurately extrapolate from my experiences to whatever is typical, or was back in the era when I was having such experiences.
But it strikes me as highly relevant and something a person would want to know early on: “Do you wish to be a married person? Are you in some sense of the word window-shopping for a partner to marry? Where do I fit in with that, are you spending time with me as a potential prospect for marriage, or are you spending time with me but not for that purpose, or what?”
I’m not a mono person (poly instead, in other words) and I certainly want to know similar structural things about a person’s expectations and eventual wishlist for relationship-fulfillments: “Are you truly poly, do you wish to be in an ongoing committed relationship with partners without doing exclusivity? Are you currently seeking or open to acquiring another partner, and, if so, are there qualifiers and disqualifiers? Do you also date people just to have a good time with no intention of getting deeply involved with them?”
I may not go straight for the “what about me, where do I stand?” kind of questions, but hell yeah, I want to get a sense of the other person’s mindset as far as how they view the whole getting-into-relationships subject matter.
I can’t imagine that there’s any reason these would not be questions a more traditional mono person would want to know.
I do leave a lot of room for “I don’t know where I want this relationship to go”, for just letting it become what it is inclined to become without trying to define it into a category ASAP. But if anything I’d think mono people have a more compelling reason to get a sense of where things stand – I mean, if you are operating from a rulebook that says you only get one serious romantic partner, it seems like you sort of want to know whether that’s what you and the other person are mutually exploring or not.
Shit, a woman (or man, for that matter) could have thoughts of potential marriage after the first date, if it’s good enough. That said, having those thoughts are miles from speaking of them to the potential partner.
A lot of women have a pretty accurate sense of their desirability and marriageability. Why waste time with a tire kicker or a man who cannot commit? You can certainly ask the question as to their predisposition toward marriage without saying “Lets get married now!”.
I certainly would if I was a woman ready to settle down. If I was a younger woman the issue would concern me less. If I was older I would ask sooner rather than later. What do you have to lose other than knowledge. A real, mature man is not going to go scampering for the hills if asked that question.
I don’t know if it is normal, but there is certainly nothing wrong with it. Some people date for fun; others date for sex; others date to interview potential spouses. There is nothing wrong with checking to see if you are both on the same page or not. Especially if you are in your early thirties or beyond.
It’s the premature nature of such ideas that would turn a man off, not the overall potential to marry. Weeks is nowhere near enough time to get to know a hopeful marriage partner. Yes, you could have thoughts about the future but those are private thoughts, not vocalized statements.
