I hope her husband is happy, too. Likewise any children.
But even if you are dating to sample potential spouses, the process would involve getting to know the person. If the subject of marriage is brought up prematurely, it can send red flags to the other person, even if they too are dating to find a spouse. As in, she (or he) is really eager to marry me not because of her love for me but rather because she feels like she is running out of time. Also, people often withhold sharing their less-than-ideal traits and habits in the “honeymoon” phase of dating. Getting a complete picture of who you are dating often requires dating beyond this honeymoon phase. An example would be my relationship with my gf. Honestly, I felt like I could eventually make her my spouse very early on. I’ve never felt this with any other girl. But if she was impatient about tying the knot, I would back away from this feeling.
Absolutely. But if the person you are dating is of the “I’m not getting married anytime soon” mindset and you are of the “I’d like to find a spouse within 2 years”, then it’s almost definitely a waste of your time to continue (small chance person might change mind). No is saying you’re committing to heading in an aisle-like direction with this person when asking if they’re looking for something long-term. Just checking to see if you have the same goal. If you don’t, many find it better to not pursue the relationship.
I think this is a good point and an important distinction.
It’s normal and healthy for a person to want to know within weeks why the other person is dating them and what, in their mind, the point of the relationship is. But “I want to get to know you well enough to find out if we’d be good together as a married couple” is a very different answer from “I want to get you to marry me because I want to be married to someone—anyone!”
Ok but I think the specific example you laid out, while I’m sure happens, seems to me like it would be the exception not the rule. Someone doesn’t have to be of the mindset of not wanting to get married anytime soon in order to be put off by someone they are dating expressing a need to get married soon. Someone with the mindset of “I want to find someone who is truly compatible whom I love with all my heart” could very likely have to same reaction to an expressed urgency to tie the knot as the person with the mindset of “I have no desire to get married any time in the foreseeable future”.
seems reallly weird to me but I’ve never been in love and damn but my type seems to be psychopaths , however, from my experience it seems to be the marrying kind are female led, she discusses it sets out a few terms and draws up a schedule and off they go into the sunset. doesn’t seem romantic but it works for some.
It is normal for your mother to ask within weeks if a relationship is headed for marriage. Not necessarily weeks, it could be days, hours or even before the first date.
I don’t know if it’s normal, but a lot of the first dates I had in Miami (aged 25-29) felt like job interviews. The post was “wife”. The couple first dates I had in Philly (aged 35-36), same. The guys in question didn’t ask where did I see myself in five years, but they explained what their expectations were about a wife. Curiously enough, most of them included “a wife must not earn more than the husband” and none of them asked what did I expect from a husband, boyfriend or other*. Those who reckoned a wife must not earn more than her husband also expected said wife to want to be a SAHW. Given than I was an engineer, they were definitely fishing in the wrong pond.
- well, for starters, “being self-assured enough that he doesn’t feel threatened in his masculinity if his engineer of a wife happens to be making more money” would be nice.
Absolutely. Can miss out on a good potential spouse that way. But at some point, it’s not unreasonable to say “I lose more by spending six months with the person who definitely isn’t looking for marriage than I do by alienating this one person who might, potentially, under the right circumstances be into the same timeline as me, but runs if I ask.”
I don’t have any problem with the two parties in a relationship talking about the relationship.
My husband and I were married before the end of week 4. It’s been nearly 34 years…
As for “normal” - I don’t think there’s such a thing. We all go into relationships looking for or expecting different things at different points in the relationship. I see no problem with raising the topic of marriage if that’s what one ultimately wants. Why stay with someone who doesn’t want what you want?
In my 40s there was a period where I would explain after a second or third date, when we were moving toward exclusivity and happily enjoying it, that I had absolutely zero interest in ever getting married again. And the woman would wholeheartedly agree, citing previous failed marriage(s) and how she’d never do that again.
Then, a month or ten later, she would recant and explain that while she never really considered marriage before, she never knew anyone like me, and so marriage was no longer unpalatable. In fact, marriage was now very desirable. So I would end the relationship and move on.
This happened three times in three years with three consecutive relationships. I think women and men look at things differently.
Asking for a commitment to marriage that early is strange, weird, and exhibits a sense of insecurity.
Wanting to know if you are looking for a relationship that will ultimately end in marriage, isn’t necessarily strange. If their relationship goals are to ultimately get married and start a family, and yours are just to take it casual, and who knows maybe end up in marriage, then you may end up with different expectations and it’s probably good to sort those out early, and cut bait if you need to.
You call those “first dates” as though there were “second dates” to follow them up. I can only hope that there weren’t.
This happened to me recently. I’ve been a wife twice and neither marriage was bad, really, but I also can’t see going for a third. Just the idea of a third marriage cracks me up. In any case it was not supposed to be a goal, but his goals changed along the way and mine haven’t. It’s awkward.
I believe he is the one ending the relationship though, he’s planning a future that doesn’t include me and cut his visits here to about half of what they were. And there’s not much I can do about it.
I would feel like I’m being settled for if I was dating a woman who brought up the urgent need to get married early on. I’d think, “well if she thought she had more time, she’d be more selective”, so I’m not her dream man, I’m her best shot at becoming married simply due to the fact that I was the one who was dating her at the time.
Dearest Velocity -
This thread is now 3 whole days old. It’s funny, because it seems simultaneously like only a minute has passed since we begun, yet also seems like a lifetime! Perhaps Einstein was on to something after all.
On the occasion of our 3 day anniversary, I was wondering how much thought you have given to making this more…permanent. I have considered the prospect, of course, but only for 71 hours ;). Perhaps we can start showing our commitment by not participating in any other threads. If that works, and I can’t fathom how it wouldn’t, then we can take the next step. Say, Friday?
Sincerely, DJ