dopers,
i started this in the pit because i am pretty sure that is where it will end up anyway.
here is the deal, i’m an average guy, 37, good (paying) job, single, no kids, no ex wives and my friends wives are always trying to set me up with their friends/relatives who are single and around my age, i have absolutely no problem with this BUT (almost) every time i sit down and talk to these women i get (within 30 or so minutes) some variation of “so, are you looking to get married and have kids?”, WHOA THERE!, back the truck up, this was a nice friendly “get to know each other” kind of conversation, when i date younger women i get yelled at, i’m told that i am “shallow” and “too looks oriented”, the (ok, one of the) attractions (for me) is that i have NEVER had a woman in her mid twenties ask me about marriage and family on the first date, i don’t mean to be crude here but in the first hour or so of knowing someone i do not like feeling that i am being sized up for “husband/father” potential, this bothers me because these women are removing themselves from the dating pool, i’m not looking for an instant family, i’m looking for a beer and conversation.
I think I’d share your feelings if I were to go out with some guy and have him sizing me up as an egg factory and incubator on the first date.
In fact, I’ve done that before.
The last time I went on a first date with a guy and he brought up the topic of ‘looking to get married, have some kids’, I requested the dinner check, paid it, and left.
To me? No. I’ve found this in the group of guys I tend to date. I’m 29, single, no kids, no previous spouses. The problem I’ve found? I tend to date Catholic/Christian men and have had at least three ask me on the first or second date if I plan to stay home with the kids when I have them, and how many I want and when I want them.
For the record, I’m still not sure that I want kids, or that I necessarily want to get married. I’m also sure this is not limited to religious guys, just that that’s what I’ve found.
A first date is a getting to know you, beer and conversation kind of thing to me, not where I decide if someone is spousal material - I have to know that I like them as a person before anything else.
Extremely counter-productive behavior. I’ve been on these dates as well, and am always reminded of that old sampler that used to hang on my secretary’s wall: “A Lack Of Planning On Your Part Does Not Constitute An Emergency On Mine.”
I agree that it is very disconcerting. If it’s any consolation, they probably are just as frustrated with you. You were programmed with a desire to spread your seed far and wide [how’s that for a visual?] and it manifests itself in an intense drive to get laid. Women have slightly different software, and their drive is a bit more domestic.
Off course that doesn’t apply to everyone and in all cases, but the differences you are noticing are natural. And just so you know, some of the woman that claim to be comfortable with a more casual relationship are just playing the game more shrewdly than others. Be careful out there.
OK, I might get railed for this but–What’s the big deal? It’s not as if they’re asking if you plan to marry them someday, just if you’re open to the general idea of a family in the future. Sounds to me like they don’t want to waste their time dating a “confirmed bachelor”, and are just trying to get all the cards out on the table.
It certainly shouldn’t be the focus of the entire evening’s conversation–but why would a simple question about your future plans be so out of line? It’s not like she’s asking for a proposal or anything, just learning a bit more about you.
I’m with belladonna here. No biggie, they’re sort of sizing you up, a lot of guys aren’t interested in marriage at all. They want to make sure they’re not wasting their time with a guy that doesn’t want marriage and kids.
That said, it IS kinda dumb to bring it up on a first date, I mean, you don’t even know if you like the guy (girl) or not. I would take it as just regular old chit chat type of stuff, what sort of things do you want out of life, and so on.
I think bringing it up on the first day is, to put it mildly, rather off-putting. I think the point of a first date is to find out if you want a second date. After a couple/few dates, I think it’s appropriate to bring up.
Assuming you’re not equally weirded out by someone askign what you do for a living, and upon hearing your answer, asks what you see yourself doing in ten years in that career, then I’d say you’re overreacting. While it may be a bit too much information in a first date setting, I also think it’s fair game in the getting-to-know-you department. After all, job, family, and hobbies or leisure activities are three of the biggest things that consume time. I don’t think it’s unheard of to want to hear about them from someone you’re dating.
Of course, you’re free to dodge the question, since it is a personal one for a first date.
Precisely what I mean by “counter-productive.” If I’m dodging questions that are too personal, or downright inappropriate for a first date, there probably isn’t going to be a second one. While she may be trying to learn if I’m interested in starting a family someday, the appropriate answer for me is always some form of “With the right person, sure.” Anyone who needs to discuss this before we both see how we get along (which takes at least two or three dates IMO) is not the right person. If she needs to know despite how off-putting it is, I wish she’d just ask me over the phone when I ask her out, and I can save the time and trouble of going on the date altogether.
dopers,
it’s that tick tick tick factor, i’ve known someone for 45 minutes and they are comfortable enough with me to start in with that stuff?, my reaction is close to “i’m sorry but i was interested in possibly asking you out to a movie, not being fitted for a bridle and a plow” (i know that is extreme but that is what they sound like to me).
i used to go to clubs/bars a lot but i got so sick of:
“what do you do?”
“how much do you earn?”
“what do you drive?”
etc, etc, etc
i felt like they were not interested in me, they were interested in my ability to support them (and someone else’s kid’s), i ran screaming and never looked back.
the problem is, this is rapidly scaring me away from dating in general, i AM VERY interested in a monogamous, long term relationship, but i’m looking for someone who likes me, not my wallet (or the way i wear a saddle).
what i want is a woman who has a life of her own and would like to share it with me, is that too much to ask?.
Hey, there are certain sexual activities that I look for in a woman. But I figure I’ll find out soon enough. It would be rude to ask on a firstr date “So, are you into 3-way midget felching?”* As well as being potentially disghusting, it tells the woman that to me she is nothing more than a means to satisfy me. Same with the OP – he’s getting the message that he is nothing more than his sperm. Who wants to date someone that regards you like that?
Oh, for heaven’s sake, get over yourself. No one wants to fit your whiny ass with a harness and plow. As you say, a first date is a chance to find out if you want a second date, and if a guy has massively different life goals and priorities from you, there’s no point in wasting time dating him even for a short while. Likewise, if someone is utterly freaked out by a casual discussion of a possible commitment to a hypothetical person in some projected future, there’s no point wasting your time.
Trust me, most women’s thoughts do NOT revolve around how best to ensnare men into a lifetime of drudgery while we watch soap operas, eat bonbons, and pop out babies.
“Trust me, most women’s thoughts do NOT revolve around how best to ensnare men into a lifetime of drudgery while we watch soap operas, eat bonbons, and pop out babies.”
Yes, and the proportion is even higher among the women able to keep a lid on their agendas for the duration of a first date. Any woman who brings up mega-issues on date #1 does not get asked out again because
Oh, we’re cute today, aren’t we? I’ll have you know that fully half the cats in this house belong to Dr.J. So there!
My point is that people with drastically different priorities almost never make it work, and by the time a woman hits her thirties she usually knows this. If you’re actively looking to reach a certain goal, why waste your time piddling around with someone who is completely unwilling to ever go to that point? Some things are automatic deal breakers, and it’s best to get them out in the open before either of you have a chance to get attached.
its is a rude question for a first date, though possibly acceptable for the second.
the ‘she just doesnt want to waste her time whats the big deal’ approach is ok i guess but how is 4 or so hours of an evening out of your entire life possibly with movie and food a waste? that activity in itself should be entertaining enough without ‘oh my god is he worth a second date’ loaming over everyone.
but if you just cant help yourself then there are more subtle ways to assess the situation than just blurting it out. theres nothing wrong with a little tack.
so, using this logic i should ask women (as soon as we meet) if they swallow and if they are into anal sex (as these are/can be dealbreakers), this would make world a cold and lonely place very quickly, ok you heard it here first, from now on we all are to be brutally frank and open on first dates!
>> What’s the big deal? It’s not as if they’re asking if you plan to marry them someday, just if you’re open to the general idea of a family in the future. Sounds to me like they don’t want to waste their time dating a “confirmed bachelor”
I have been in this situation a number of times and thought how she would feel in the reverse situation. How would it be if I asked her right off the bat: “Would you normally have sex with a guy on a first date? Because, let’s face it, I really do not want to waste my time if you don’t”
Well, I always make sure anyone interested in me knows right off the bat that I never ever intend to have children and there is zero percent chance of them changing my mind or convincing me otherwise.
I wouldn’t have a problem with someone asking me my feelings on the matter right away, but then again, I’m weird.
I’ve also noticed that most personal ads have a spot for you to write the kind of relationship you’re looking for, whether or not you want kids, etc, so it must matter to some people to know at the onset of things.
