I see a lot of women saying “why waste my time if you’re a confirmed bachelor”. What happened to just dating people for fun for a few months? Getting laid on a regular basis, trying out new restaurants, making new friends. I had plenty of dates before I got married with guys who I KNEW weren’t marriage material.
J
CRAZYCATLADY, you’re sensible suggestion to air these issues before anyone has a chance to get too attached is reason to have such a conversation on the third or fourth date, not the first.
Inquiries into my long-term reproductive plans are too personal for the first date, which really is nothing more than a “getting to know you” session to see if there’d be any point to having a second date.
Deal-breakers for me on the first date are things like (a) finding out the guy not only doesn’t read, he doesn’t know what a book is; (b) finding out he has zero sense of humor; © finding out he’s politically whacko, either radically liberal or fascistly conservative; or (d) anything else that would indicate to me “No future here!” But that first conversation is about general compatibility and need not – and should not – include “long-term” questions like finances or kids. Why? Because those are private issues, and just as the guy doesn’t know me well enough to inquire about them after one movie, one night playing pool, or one dinner, I don’t know him well enough, either.
yes!,
as opposed to all of the pressure of making a life decision right now!, let’s see a movie and have a drink and we will see if something develops.
bless you jarbabyj, you are on the way to restoring my faith in humanity, tell your husband how lucky he is.
unclviny
Good lord! Done and done!
Dating people just for the fun of it is great, if that’s what you’re looking for. Obviously, women who consider this so important that they ask about it on the first date aren’t just looking for fun. They’re looking for someone to settle down with fairly soon, not in some pie-in-the-sky indefinite point in the future.
Besides, I don’t really consider it that terribly personal a question. It’s like finding out what someone does for a living and asking, “So, do you enjoy that?” People feel perfectly free to ask near-strangers if they’re married or have children all the time. If you don’t feel comfortable answering, just say so.
unclviny, I feel your pain, one wonders what happened to the romance of dating and the valueing of a person for what and who they are as opposed to whether or not that person fits in with your grand plan. In a way this makes things easy for you. If you meet a woman that asks this on a first date, that’s not the type of woman for you. It only gets worse with women like this because their essentially looking out for their own interest.
I have a real problem with the concept of “wasting time”, because even if it turns out I don’t like a woman after having got to know her, I would never view the experience as a waste of time. Lastly, even if a guy wants to get married and have kids doesn’t mean that the guy is someone you want to get married to and have kids with no matter how loud the biological clock is ticking.
unclviny, I feel your pain, one wonders what happened to the romance of dating and the valueing of a person for what and who they are as opposed to whether or not that person fits in with your grand plan. In a way this makes things easy for you. If you meet a woman that asks this on a first date, that’s not the type of woman for you. It only gets worse with women like this because their essentially looking out for their own interest.
I have a real problem with the concept of “wasting time”, because even if it turns out I don’t like a woman after having got to know her, I would never view the experience as a waste of time. Lastly, even if a guy wants to get married and have kids doesn’t mean that the guy is someone you want to get married to and have kids with no matter how loud the biological clock is ticking.
I’ve thought about placing personal ads but feel I must be upfront about being celibate until marriage, etc., because the general assumption would be that sex will be part of a dating relationship. My friend says just place an ad about myself in general and you never know what will develop, but to me it’s only fair to not date someone at all if it this will be a “dealbreaker”.
Well, nobody ever said they wanted to have kids with the OP, Phil. They’re just looking for someone who’s either a) wants to get married and have kids or b) at least open to the possibility. If you have certain criteria, there’s nothing wrong with being honest about it. Some people just aren’t open to the idea of dating someone when there’s absolutely no potential for something long-term to develop. Some people are. It’s all a matter of personal preference.
I think he’s saying he’s not interested in women that consider this so important that they ask about it on the first date, prior to even knowing if they like him and that he likes them. Moreover, if it is important to them, they would be well advised to not ask on the first date. Things happen in their own time and if a man wants to marry a woman he will once he knows that he really loves that woman and feels safe with her.
That might be what they’re looking for, but what they’re looking at is the backs of men who flee like startled deer after being informed on the first date that they are regarded not as individuals that it might be fun to spend time with, but as hubbies and daddies.
See, and I do. But then, I see a difference between asking someone “Are you married? Do you have kids?” and asking them “Do you plan to get married, ever? Do you plan to have kids?” In my case, the straight-forward answers to the former questions are “No” and “no.” But the answers to the latter are “I don’t know; how the hell should I know? I guess it depends how life unfolds . . . why do you care? . . . Because you see me as the future mother of your kids??? . . . But I just met you!” Run away! Run away!
I guess I think it’s foolish for women to be so focused on their long-term plans that they risk alienating perfectly nice men who may fit in with those plans, given time. I don’t see the romance is the “Clock’s a’tickin’!” approach, and I’m not surprised that guys are put off by it. YMMV.
The thing is CatLady, what if he’s a great guy, who turns out to be a great friend and confidant, or maybe will change his mind on the subject six weeks from now? A woman who has a check list that must be completed on date one is really cutting her chances down, in my opinion.
J
Isn’t there a lot of other stuff you need to find out about a person before you can even think about getting married to them or having kids with them? There’s so much territory to explore on a first date. What’s the rush to ask on the first date when you don’t even know anything about the person? I think these women don’t really have much to talk about.
Of course, this entire discussion assumes that these women are asking this question because they WANT to get married and have kids. There is always the possibility that these women are trying to avoid men who are specifically looking to settle down. After all, the OP does say they ask if he’s ]looking for someone to marry and have kids with, not if he ever wants to get married and have kids.
People have turned dating into a job interview, which is really sad. There’s nothing wrong with making a new friend, even if you don’t end up togetha forevah. Some of the greatest romances spring from a casual date.
Yeah that’s a possiblity, but from my experience the women are asking this because they do want to get married and have kids.
I’m not saying that asking about that kind of stuff right off the bat is a good thing, or a smart thing, or an effective way to find someone to be a hubby or daddy. I’m just saying that asking doesn’t necessarily make these women psychotic hose beasts looking to enslave the first male too slow to evade them.
I’ve noticed a relationship to age in this issue. When I was in my twenties a question like this would never come up. Now, having been somewhat involuntarily thrust back into the dating pool at 40, I see this happening. I re-read the OP and sure enough, he’s 37. More likely to date women in their 30’s, who are more concerned about this. I think the “tick tick tick” is very real.
As far as how to answer the question, I’d recommend :
If you never ever want kid’s I’d say so, and indeed save time for both of you, as the relationship has no future. If you want kids or aren’t sure, then evade the question, or try something like “I’d consider it if we were both in love and both wanted to have children together”.
Disclaimer : This is coming from a guy who spends most Saturday nights alone.
I’m the type of chick who’ll bring this up in casual conversation. However, I bring things such as the discovery of alexandrite into otherwise normal conversations. Don’t read too much into it on a first date–just answer honestly. If you don’t want to settle down right away, just say so; that’ll eliminate the people who only want that, leaving those who might just be curious.
For me, it’s one of those “getting to know you” questions. It would not mean that I’m looking to get hitched right at the moment. Then again, as I have realized, I am not the norm in this world.
Weren’t you married in your early/mid 20s, though?