yeah. but it was because I was in love with the man I was dating, not because I was out searching for a husband. I planned on being single for a looong time.
yeah. but it was because I was in love with the man I was dating, not because I was out searching for a husband. I planned on being single for a looong time.
And, interestingly, when we met I was in my ‘trashy madonna phase’ (truly a sight) and had he asked me on our first date if I wanted to get married and have kids I would have said “fuck no, that’s for the sheep of the world”
And I would have missed out on the greatest eight years of my life
baaaaaaaah
It just seems that if someone really wants kids - very much so, and she is facing the very real possibility that if she doesn’t have them in the next 3 years, she may never get the chance, spending 6 months dating someone for fun seems to me like an incredibly stupid move.
On the other hand, if someone has 20 or so years in which to have children - 6 months of just hanging out with someone is not as big of a deal.
Re: “Wasting Time”
If I knew someone was romantically interested in me, I would make sure we were compatible before anything developed. I have lots of male friends that aren’t marriage material, but (as far as I know) none of them are lusting after me or thinking about what might have been. They are just friends.
As a general rule I don’t hang around guys that are/were interested in me romantically. Of course, I’ve never been out with a near-to-total stranger either, so my opinion on the matter probably isn’t worth much after all.
I still don’t think it’s weird, though.
Then she should go to a sperm bank or let one of her friends impregnate her so she can get the problem out of the way and approach a potential partner in a more wholesome way.
Ya know, I think you’re on to something here.
I think the way some of these questions get asked is as important as the question itself.
If the date turns into a job interview, yeah, run like a startled deer.
If you’re out somewhere and a couple of rugrats run by and the other person says “Hey, I like kids and hope I have a few when I finally settle down - how do you feel about 'em?” that’s a lot less threatening.
On the other hand, if someone expects sex on the first date I’d like to know that before the dinner and a movie, because I don’t do sex on the first date and don’t want the unpleasent scene where the guy starts yelling about how he’s “entitled” because he’s paid for dinner and a movie. Excuse me? Do I look like a whore? Here’s your damn money and —
(Yes, that has happened to me)
I think in most situations, “are you planning to get married?” and “how many kids do you want?” are a bit much on the first date (the first couple of dates, actually). C’mon, just go out and have a good time!
Half the problem are people who make a career out of everything. They always have to be working towards a goal, “achieving” something. Uptight assholes, most of 'em, never relax. Yuuuuuuuck.
It depends. Usually before the first date there are numerous phone conversations, at least that’s my preference. And I can’t think of a single guy I’ve dated that hasn’t asked me in some round about way what I make. Many have asked me if I’m looking for a relationship that leads to marriage. It makes you feel like a trapped rat. What is the correct answer? How do you know if you’ll get married or not because you don’t know what the future holds.
Sorry guys, but your biological clocks are ticking too…at 37 the OP won’t be dating those 20 year olds much longer unless he makes big bucks cause the little girlies just ain’t gonna go for a sugar daddy unless he has the bucks and spends it on them. So you can either decide that a few personal questions that make you uncomfortable, and may never surface again in the future, with possibilities of dating a mature woman; or you can get you a baby girl and put out the bucks.
I’m not talking about the younger dopers on here, cause we all know that as dopers we are the cream of the crop and we just don’t act like the rest of the world.
>> at 37 the OP won’t be dating those 20 year olds much longer unless he makes big bucks cause the little girlies just ain’t gonna go for a sugar daddy unless he has the bucks and spends it on them.
So what you are saying is that women are incapable of liking a guy for his character and personality and they only go for the money? That’s a pretty low opinion of young women. I am glad my experience has been quite different though.
Alexandrite was discovered? How’d I miss that? I gotta stop spending so much time in the bathroom.
I saw a commercial for (I think) the VISA Check Card not too long ago that dealt (somewhat obliquely) with the topic of the OP. The commercial followed the various first-date pitfalls of some guy by focusing on the different women he had dinner with. One of the women said something to the effect of “So where do you see this relationship going? Because my biological clock is ticking.”
Whereupon the guy holds up his VISA Check Card and says quietly, “Check, please.”
Indeed. Discovering that you’re actually mainly considered as a potential reproducer after the beginning of the relationship is much more akward.
I understand your issue. I too am in my thirties, and a lot of single, childless women our age are busy searching for a potential father, not a mate.
I would want to know what happened to this kind of women, indeed. They seem to be nowhere to be found around me, currently.
IMO, the choice isn’t between the first date (“Hi, I’m Jodi, do you foresee having children? With me?”) and six months down the road. Obviously life-plans should be discussed if you’re dealing with someone you think you may have a future with. But you can’t know if you might or might not have a future with a given guy on the first date, unless you already know him pretty well, in which case it’s probably not the “traditional” first date anyway. On the first date, he may pick his teeth with his knife or tell you how much he admires the philosophy of Nietzche, and you’ll know not to bother with a second date anyway.
I guess I don’t see why some women don’t understand how unattractive this behavior is. Unless you happen upon a guy who is happy to be seen first and foremost as a provider/sperm donor, and not as a human being, he’s not going to be happy to hear that he has to be willing to meet your reproductive demands as a prerequisite to even getting to know you. I think it’s just icky. I’d hate it, if I were a guy.
This is what I thought about when I read the OP as well. One of the times I can see it being okay to discuss this on a first date. I feel the same as you Jin, in that I don’t want children or marriage. I’ve been on an initial date with someone and about half-way through the evening, he’d started talking about having children, etc. This had happened enough, that I considered making a sort of disclaimer about not wanting these things up front.
I also don’t mind being asked, though my reason for not minding is it’s a red-flag. I’d still date the guy again, but he’d know at that point where I stood. In looking at what I’ve typed, I guess it’s pretty similar to what the OP is saying. It could be fun though, showing up on a date wearing a sandwich board with “1. I do not want children 2. Yes, I like children 3. I do not want to get married 4. No, there’s nothing wrong with it.” 
Eh, don’t feel so bad; it was back in the 19th century.
(Yes, I am an odd duck).
I found my wife via an internet dating service, so we both had a pretty good idea about what the other was all about before we had even spoken on the phone. This whole issue was basically avoided as a result. We just got together on our first date to see if we could converse with each other. I’d recommend that process to anyone who’s looking for a mate.
One caveat: I actually got a similar, but more inappropriate (IMO) shocker on two separate occasions prior to meeting featherlou: I was told during date one–after talking at length to these women on the phone–that they already had kids! Gosh, you’d think that might have come up at some point. Were they hoping I wouldn’t notice? It would have saved us both a lot of time and uncomfortable silence if they were forthcoming with that tidbit, since I hate kids a little more every day (except my nephew; he’s a great little kid to visit every two months or so). Needless to say, I didn’t call either one back.
My little story (the short version, of course)…
After giving my (then)fiancé the boot (not literally, of course), I was back in the dating pool for the first time in, well, let’s just say “a while” (ok, about 5 years). I was also now “a single woman in my mid-thirties”. I also moved to a totally new city where I know no-one, so had to develop a whole new circle of friends.
My objective: just get “out there” and meet some new people, some of them male, so I could, as jarbabyj said, try out new restaurants, see a few movies, and, yes, perhaps have a little fun of the more carnal time. Believe me, I was just out of one big, heavy relationship, by the skin of my teeth. I was not looking for another one. Sounds like I would have been unclviny’s dream date! 
My experience: Believe me, I didn’t ask any of those “marriage qualification” questions. Sometimes I did ask “what do you do?” “do you have kids?” (not completely out of the question for a guy in his 30’s), etc., but usually I was just trying to get to know the person or simply making conversation: first dates can be tough that way – sometimes you say things just to fill the gaps and appear interested! Still, all the men I dated (my age or thereabouts) just assumed I was another man/marriage/baby-hungry ticking time-bomb. I could tell by their questions (and the number of first-dates only) they were so wary, I almost felt like I needed to wear a sign saying “looking for fun only”. Of course I didn’t.
How did I solve my problem? Started dating a much younger man. That relationship lasted a number of months and we’re still friends. I also saw a lot of movies, found some great new restaurants, and… 
I guess all of this is to say, what? That old chestnut – get to know the person and don’t assume? And be thankful that they – whoever, let you know sooner rather than later (like when you’re engaged!) that they’re looking for something different than you are.
Of course you skipped the part of my post where I state that no one on this board would have that kind of experience. You just made my point. As in everything, no not ALL women are like that and NO I don’t have a low opinion of young women today. They just have a different course plotted. Most of the young women don’t ask about marriage and children they ask about what kind of car you drive and how much you make a year. Email me and I’ll let you chat with my 23 year old son and he can give you his experiences. Evidently he’s had opposite luck than you have with the ladies his age.
I hear ya, my last Girlfriend was 14 years younger, always fun to be around, never bitchy, and yes alot of fun in the sack.
the one before her was 5 years older, nervous as hell most of the time, generally strange, and very very quick to tell me she was in love with me and that I was “the one”.
ugh!
its not that I find younger women more attractive than women my age or older, its just that they tend to have fewer hangups and ulterior motives.
I ask people if they ever want to marry or have kids… or if they are married or already have kids. Just like I ask them what they do for a living, what their hobbies are, etc. It’s just getting to know someone and what kind of person they are. Maybe I have bad manners for asking men if they want to marry or have kids one day. I never thought the guy would think I was trying to trap him into marrying and making babies with me. I don’t want to marry or make babies with anyone, ever. heh
I find it interesting when some posters said that asking about kids and marriage was just a way to get to know a person, the men consistently responded with personal sex questions (for example, “would you like it if I asked if you like threesomes and anal sex?”) Do men really consider women asking them about kids and marriage the equivalent of them asking women if they like it up the butt? Does that mean that’s what you’re thinking on the first date but not asking?