I guess it seems pertinent to add that about half the group has worked at Planned Parenthood at some point, so reproduction is a topic we’re well-versed in. I also have been known to give boxes of contraceptive supplies and, err… marital supplies as wedding gifts, so… there you are 
If everyone accepted the answer of “No, we’re not planning to have children” and didn’t get judgmental or preachy or condescending (“Oh, you’ll change your mind!” Then why the hell did you ask me in the first place if you weren’t going to accept my answer??), I wouldn’t bristle when I hear the question. And from most other 20-somethings, I don’t get that kind of crap so I don’t mind the question. But when it’s older women who have kids, generally those with kids who are also in their 20s, I brace for the judgmental or condescending attitude or try to avoid the question.
So I guess my answer is not rude if you’re going to take the answer for what it is, rude if you can’t accept either answer in good grace.
The question comes across to me as “Are you going to have unprotected sex soon?” , so yeah, I’d say it’s a little rude. Definitely not what I’d consider a polite conversation topic between casual acquaintances, especially since follow-up comments and questions only get more personal. It’s one of those questions where if you need to ask, you probably shouldn’t be asking.
It definitely has to do with the crowd you run in. I would never, ever ask about my girlfriends’ sex lives, much less give them sex toys. Not that I don’t love 'em, but that’s private. It sounds like it’s different with your friends, and that’s cool, but I wouldn’t ask casual acquaintances if I were you, unless you want to a) inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings if they’re struggling with it or b) come across as an intrusive busybody.
I find it rude and intrusive.
On the other hand, I do not find it rude for someone to ask, “So, do you have children?” It’s just a getting-to-know-you question. These days, I usually answer it with, “No, but not for lack of trying,” which alerts people to the fact that it’s a sensitive issue. Cuts way back on the boneheaded comments, I find.
Yeah, it’s rude. I wish, for others’ sake, that it weren’t such a socially acceptable thing to ask. People usually mean well when they’re asking, but it often puts people on the spot in a bad way.
However, I never mind getting asked, unless it’s a total stranger doing the asking. I always answer upfront. “Not any time soon,” “in a couple years, maybe,” or “when I finish school.” All have been used at different times, and all are at least partly true at the moment. Doesn’t bother me at all, and I’m 26 and married.
I think that’s where it falls in my brain.
Like Millit, I’ve never minded being asked, but thanks, burundi, I’ll be more careful about it in the future.
Is it less rude to ask “so, do you have kids?” than “are you thinking about kids?”
I think so. Asking if you have kids is more of a “getting to know you” kind of question IMO. The whole “do you want/are you planning” line of questions makes me flinch because I expect (and am usually correct) that a request to explain or justify why not will be coming. Saying that you don’t like or don’t want children is usually seen as a character flaw, it seems.
I don’t think the ‘do you have kids’ question would be considered rude by anybody - it’s basic biographical information, along the lines of ‘where are you from?’ On the other hand, whether you’re planning on having kids, or having any more kids, and the spacing of said hypothetical kids, gets into very personal information very quickly. I don’t even particularly mind being asked if I’m planning to have children, although I’m always momentarily taken aback by the question (as I mentioned in the OP). In contrast, an honest answer about when/how many kids I’m planning on having gets into things that ain’t none of your beeswax, like, how I want X kids while my husband wants Y, and how things will depend on our income, careers, etc. None of that falls into the getting-to-know-you category, at least in my book.
I believe the Korean mother-in-laws around here would say something more akin to “WHERE IS MY GRANDSON?”
With a knowing wink following the honeymoon.
Any time a member of a childless Indian couple speaks to an older relative, literally the first thing out of the elder’s mouth is, “So do you have any good news?”
I don’t mind the “do you have kids” question as much, as long as the person asking it is bright enough to realize that a short “No” is not an invitation to examine all my reasons for not having them. I understand most people are just making conversation, but childless by choice people have walked this minefield so long that we can be a prickly on this topic.
I’ve people ask me “Well, were you ever pregnant?” right after I answer “no” to having children. There is no good reason to ask that question and no good way to answer that question. Even if you say “no” they will think you’re lying.
So they’re basically asking you if you’ve ever had an abortion or miscarriage? Claaassssy.
I would say it’s a personal question, but what’s really rude is the judgmental stuff in a lot of people’s reactions. Or pressing someone on it when they’ve given you an evasive answer. If they clearly don’t want to answer that question, there’s no good reason to pressure them on it- this isn’t a trial.
:eek: I cannot *fathom *anyone besides a health professional in the context of a medical exam asking this question. My jaw would be on the floor. I hope you beat them severely about the face and head for asking.
Or, I guess, if you’ve given up the child for adoption. Still not a topic of casual conversation.
It’s too bad that it is such a prickly subject, because it does give a lot of information about you to someone who wants to get to know you. If I ask a friend “so, are you thinking about ever having kids someday?” I don’t really care whether the answer is a chipper “oh yeah, someday!” or a sullen “I hate the little snot-nosed toerags”, but the first answer means you probably have at least some affinity for children, and the second means we’ll not likely invite you to a party at Alex’s house which is likely to be swarming with little kidlets.
What s/he said.
Sure, it’s none of my business, just like what you do for a living is none of my business, or what your hobbies are, but all those details just help to flesh out who you are to someone who wants to get to know you.
If someone asks me if we’re gonna have kids, my answer would be something like “I’d be pregnant yesterday if it were up to me, but we’ve decided it’s better to wait until he’s done with school–he wants to be able to have more time with the baby than he’d have as a grad student. And, you know, the money thing.”
Sure, it’s all personal stuff, but you now know that my husband is a grad student, we’re just getting started in life, consider having children a Very Big Deal necessitating forethought and planning, and that we have some interest in kids.
But, you know, I don’t care in the least if anyone knows how much money we make, our career paths, how many kids we want, what method of birth control I use, or the first date of my last period. Like I said, I have no shame
Even a more general answer to the kid question, like “sure, but things are a little nutty at the moment with my career without throwing a baby into the mix, ha ha” tells me a good bit about you. A terse “no” or casual “maybe” are also pretty informative.
Nothing personal is any of my business, really, but if there’s a possibility we are going to be friends, I am very interested in getting to know who you are. Asking about kids might strike a nerve, but so might asking about your parents or your pets.
Like I said, I understand why it could be an intrusive question, so I will definitely be more careful about it. It just bums me out that attempted friendliness or familiarity might strike someone as being an “intrusive busybody”.
Yes, I think it is a rude question to ask. Right after I married my first husband, I used to get asked this a lot by friends, family members, and even people I just met.
Sort of off the subject, but here’s something that irritates me: I have one child (yes, only 1!). Nothing bothers me more than when I get asked:
- ONLY 1?
- Why only one child?
- Don’t you want your son to have a sibling?
Usually these questions are asked in a condescending way.
I just skirt the issue and say, YES, only one child. I’d actually really like to tell them the truth just to see their reaction:
“Well, I was diaganosed with breast cancer when my son was 2 and the Dr.'s have stated that having more children would possibly pose a threat to my life, so, while, yes, I would love to give my son a sibling and would love to have another child, it could shorten the life I have with my son now.”
You’d be surprised. Even total strangers seem to think there is something basically psychotic about a woman who does not want children, has good reasons for not wanting them, and yet still doesn’t have any. And those same people are often amazed that my sister the lesbian and her partner had the audacity to have the children they wanted!
I would love to beat people who ask me these questions, but I settle for the “None of your damn business” reply mentioned earlier.