Is equating pets with kids offensive?

Great Debates
1

I understand that pet-owners intend no disrespect when they equate (or even compare, but let’s stick with equating, in this thread) their pets with other people’s children, but the practice can bother some parents, especially those who lack pets themselves, and ESPECIALLY especially when it comes from people without kids.

When my oldest girl was born, for example, I tried telling two close friends, pet-owners but childless themselves, how amazingly tenderly I felt towards this tiny, helpless, utterly dependent being, and their well-intended response was to go on at length how they felt the same exact way about their cats.

“Well, no, you don’t,” I told them angrily, “I’ve seen you pick up those fucking cats when they get in your shit and fling them against the wall, and I’ve seen you leave them alone in your apartment for a week at a time with only a supply of food and water to keep them company, and there is something entirely qualitatively different about the responsibility a parent feels for someone they’ve chosen to bring into this world whom they expect to outlive them and possibly spread their genes into future generations from someone who cares for a cat who will almost certainly die within their lifetimes, who will then be replaced by another cat, or a fish or a dog, you fucking imbeciles. So shut the fucking fuck UP, you morons, about how you understand exactly what I feel for my daughter because you fucking DON’T, okay?”

Actually, I said none of that, and we went on to have a pleasant evening, but some of the above-expressed sentiment was there. I was genuinely puzzled by how my well-meaning friends could assume that a pet could generate the same exact emotional link that a parent feels for a child.

Before flaming me, please remember this is in GD, and I’m talking about the absolute equation of a pet with a child and not just an analogy. I do believe that if I had expressed the sentiments above in the most decorous, careful, thoughtful, tactful language you can imagine, my friends would have still been uncomprehending of why I might be offended by what they had said. I’m asking whether anyone here would seriously propose and justify equating the feelings people have towards their pets with the feelings a parent has for a child, and whether parents should accept those feelings as well-meant if lacking in sensitivity, or as grossly offensive.

2

I’d vote for accepting as well-meant rather than as grossly offensive. Mainly because there are enough grossly offensive things said and done on purpose in this world, and one may as well reserve their reservoirs of righteous anger for more high-yield targets.

But as a parent and past pet owner, I get your annoyance.

3

My husband’s having this same exact argument with his girlfriend right now, and it’s making him crazy! She’s a non-parent of a cat, pretty much hates kids, but tries to equate her cat mama-ship with parenthood and actually goes so far as to judge his decisions as a parent based on what she would do with her cat! I just don’t get it, I admit.

Now, I’m particularly unsentimental about my cats, but even not using me as the example, there are thousands of parents out there who were animal owners prior to becoming parents, and I’ve never heard a single one equate the two. I’ve heard lots and lots of them say things like, “Honey, don’t have a kid to save your marriage - get a dog!” which would indicate to me that they don’t, in fact, find the level of commitment, involvement, responsibility or emotional attachment identical.

But, as **Qadgop **says, there are plenty of intentionally offensive things to get my panties in a twist over, and so I try to let this one breeze on by. Really, if they’re not parents, they just can’t know, so why would I hold them to a level of experience they don’t have? It’d be like me saying that horse meat must taste just like chicken - I have no clue about that, since I’ve never had horse meat. It’s like me saying that living in a dorm must be like living in the army. WTF do I know of either? Really, it’s the speaking-from-ignorance part that needles me, not the sentiment itself.

It’s perfectly possible that for some people, the emotional attachment they form with an animal is the strongest they’ll ever feel, and so I don’t want to shit on that, either. But I don’t think it’s so common an experience as to be a generalization the way your friend (and my husband’s girlfriend) are making it out to be.

4

Pardon the hijack, but your husband has a girlfriend? How’s that work? Open marriage? Girlfriend= a friend of the female persuasion?
And back on track: I agree it’s mostly thoughtlessness but I do congratulate myself for caring enough for my friends’ good intentions to hold back a double-barreled blast. Are there any
Dopers who truly do feel that a pet is precisely equiivalent to having a child? If there are any such, have you ever expressed these feelings to a parent, without qualification? Do you now feel maybe you crossed a line, or do you feel okay with having expressed this emotion?

5

You have to keep in mind that sometimes people speak in shorthand. I know I do.

As a childless pet-owner myself, I’ve probably said similar things in the past. I can’t speak for your specific friend’s intentions, but when I say “I love my pets like they’re my kids,” it’s just shorthand. I really mean something like:

My closest personal frame of reference to your child-rearing experience is being the caretaker of my pets. Being a somewhat typical human, I have a built-in desire to care for and nurture a smaller being. Being a somewhat atypical human, that desire in me is not so much dependent on it being another human. My pets take up the place that a human child might take in others, so far as filling my natural urges to be caretaker. I equate the two only on the grounds that this is what fills that void for me. I do not intend to equate the two by suggesting that each experience is the same in all its respects; merely to show the analogous nature as seen through my never-been-a-parent eyes. Furthermore, I can only speculate as to how I personally would feel toward a child if I were ever to reproduce. However, my speculations have lead me to believe that the experience would not be so far removed for me personally that I should take the extra time, money and effort involved to procreate when my void is perfectly filled as it is and I seem to lack the attachment to the idea of procreation. Therefore, for me, my pets and your children have certain properties from our respective perspectives which one could draw analogies from with the caveat that at the end of the day analogies are analogies and not exact comparisons.

That tends to be a lot to say though.

6

Well we are childless with three cats. When one of our cats was attacked by a dog and had to go to the emergency vet and we weren’t usre if he woudl survive my wife was feeling absolutely horribly. She texted her friends and family and recieved well wishes from all, except her sister who said nothing. My wife was slightly miffed. A couple of weeks later her sister emails and asks about some trivial thing and my wife simply emails back saying how disappointed she was that this is the first contact she got.

Sister emails back and said, well she didn’t realize a sick cat was a big problem (sick?). Then my wife emailed back and siad that if her son was in the hospital she would oif course call or email support. Well the sister emailed a VERY angry response saying (I paraphrase), “HOW DARE YOU TRY TO EQUATE MY SON WITH YOUR CAT!!!”

We were floored, because as far as I am concerned she was not equating them, but she was trying to show how it made her feel. Needless to say the two sisters are not really getting along at this point.

7

It’s good you didn’t come out with this spiel, because the pet owners could’ve cited you chapter and verse regarding parents who abuse and neglect their kids, and whose “feelings” regarding their offspring are arguably on a lesser plane than what many pet owners feel towards their animals (for the record, I have never regarded any of my pets, even the more advanced mammals as “children”).

I once unintentionally offended a woman in my workplace who brought by pictures of her baby for me to admire (which I did). I made the comment that I’d have to bring in some dog photos (I have had one or more dogs for a number of years, no kids). She chose to think that I was equating the dog with her baby. That wasn’t my intention (actually, I generally find people’s dogs more interesting than the random drooling infant).

In my experience, people with kids, especially small newly formed ones, are not exceptionally rational about the charms of their offspring and expect others to regard them just as highly. I do not know why some get up in arms about the fact that people are demonstrably capable of becoming just as irrational about the attributes of pets.

To answer PRR’s question in a slightly different way than he intended, I’ll say that no, I don’t get offended when a parent describes their feelings towards their children and goes slightly nutty in bringing in bunches of photos and hauling the baby in to work to show it off. I do a bit of internal eye-rolling over the extreme cases, same as I regard offense-taking by parents who apparently believe that human-pet relationships somehow denigrate their parent-child attachments.

*My Labrador is smarter than your honor student. :smiley:

8

If you don’t have children, you just don’t know. So, excuse the ignorant. Its not worth getting upset about.

9

Your husband has a girlfriend? You can’t just put that out there without further explanation…

10

How about we all just quit saying “I know just how you feel”. Even if you just went through the exact same situation I am going through now, you don’t feel the same way I do about all situations, because you are not me. OK, if you’re a telepath, you can say it, because then it’s true, but maybe us non-telepaths shouldn’t say things like that.

11

I would never equate my cats with kids. I refuse to lower their status that much.

And don’t worry, WhyNot. I was paying attention.

12

I think it is, and I have both children and pets. One major difference other than the obvious biological ones is that you EXPECT to outlive your pets.

13

Open marriage, yes. But now that he’s read the thread, he made a funny face and said, “she’s not my girlfriend!” So…oops. Guess “a friend of the female persuasion” is more accurate in this case.

[/hijack]

14

Wait…you have an open marriage and he doesn’t have a girlfriend?

Or, he does, but just not that girl?

I need to get out of the Midwest more often!

15

There are many similarities so the metaphor is quite reasonable.

I would be more offended by a person who would presume to think that their love is greater than the love of another and react to a friendly relation with crass disdain.

16

Dude…where have you been?

17

We always have a marriage open to the possibility of being with other people romantically, but our dance cards are not always full. :wink:

He’s got one or two "it’s complicated"s at the moment, but I’m not sure he’s got what he would consider “a girlfriend” right now.

(Jeez, I shoulda just said “friend” in my original post and save us all the hijacks!)

18

Well, there was that year he was gone…

19

I have a cat I love very much. I have a kid as well; the cat was here first. Both have been very sick. It’s at best ridiculous to even begin to think that how a parent feels with a kid in the hospital is the same as how a pet owner feels with a pet in the hospital. There’s no comparing the situations and it’s rude and crazy to demand that other people treat your pet like it was a human child. Are you seriously suggesting that everybody’s standard of reaction when a family member has a sick pet should be identical to their reaction to a sick child relative?

That said, the sister was a total asshole for saying it was just a cat. No excuse for that, and I’m sorry to hear it happened. It’s not remotely the same for many reasons, but that doesn’t make it any less important to the people who love it.

20

Childless pet-owner here. Personally, I find the pets = kids thing silly. Oddly, it’s my mom who does it, not me, and it’s not as though she lacks human grandkids (courtesy of my sister).

Understand, I like my pets. They keep me sane, entertained, and warm. Even the brine shrimp is fun to watch as he swims around his (her?) EcoSphere. And I’m very, very happy to know that I have pets instead of children. But my pets are NOT children. They don’t expect the same things from me as a child would, and they give me things that I wouldn’t expect to get from a child. That’s the whole point of having pets - they provide something that I don’t expect to get from other human beings.*

*Stop thinking about that right now, you pervert.