I recently spoke with my younger brother (13), and he was telling me that things were getting so bad at home that he was seriously considering running away. My mother is a very bad parent. Presently my 2 younger siblings, 13 & 15, are living with her. My younger brother claims that my mother is neglecting them worse than ever. A typical day at the house consists of the older going to school. My mom waking up whenever, sitting on the couch all day watching tv or on the computer. The younger is ‘homeschooled’, that is to say he doesn’t attend public school. And my mother will not take it upon herself to teach him anything, as she has always claimed to do. When the older gets home he makes life hell for everyone. He calls my mother names, and beats his younger sibling. My mom does nothing about this, she has completly lost control over him. It is rare that she gives permission to my younger brother to do anything, he only leaves the house when she has to run errands. The house itself is disgusting. It is a pigsty, clothes, dirty dishes, everything all over in piles that get shoved into side rooms when company comes over. Neither of my brothers can confide anything in our mother, anything she is told she will spread it as a rumor that spreads like brushfire. All in all, I’m overly concerned about the well being of my siblings. They shouldn’t have to grown up in an environment in which there is no structure, security, support, or anything that would consistute family. Because of a similar upbringing from my mother, I am now living a disadvantaged life trying to learn very quickly all the life skills she never taught any of us. I told my husband and he told me that if I didn’t do something soon, that he would take action against her. A big concern that I have is that neither one wants to live with their father. He and his wife are registered foster parents (no one knows how they managed that), but they are just as bad for my siblings as my mother. My grandparents are too old, and neither my sisters nor I can support them. So I really don’t know what to do at this point. What is the foster care system really like? I’ve seen reports that make me weary that it might make their lives worse. What rights would my siblings have? What criteria has to be met for these foster parents? I just really want my younger brothers to have a better upbringing than I did. I know, first hand, that even living with my mother for 18 years it may be hard to function in the world, but it is possible to learn. So please any advice would be more than appreciated. Thank you.
Where are you located? As with all things, situations differ based on location. Personally, I have no idea, but giving us a city or state might help others who do have experience with foster care.
I live in Mid Michigan
You mentioned that you’re married–do you have the means to support them?
Can you become their foster parent? You stated that you can’t support them, but if you were their foster parent, the state would give you assistance.
As much as I wish with all my heart that I could support them. Unfortunatly at this time it’s not possible.
Well, if you can’t support them as a guardian, can you at least support them in other ways? Do you live in the same area as them?
My wife and I were foster parents. We had to meet certain standards and our home was inspected to insure we had things like a separate bed for each foster child. We worked closely with the social worker. It is mandatory that a plan is made to return the child to his/her parents within a year. If the parents do not meet the requirements of the plan then their parental rights may be taken away.
I have also heard the horrible stories that you refer to. I believe this is due to improper supervision by the social worker(s). One problem is that many people are reluctant to become foster parents because of its bad reputation and therefore the standards are lowered and bad foster parents get in the program. It is a vicious cycle. Go to the Department of Social Services and try to get an idea of whether they are dedicated workers or are just filling a position. Most I know are of the former type, but not all. They will require some proof of the neglect. I imagine you will be able to supply it. Good luck.
I am not sure how things work in Michigan, however, some states will allow family members to qualify as foster homes for just the family members in care.
If your concern is being able to care for your brother financially (but being able to do it emotionally), then you should know that (in most states) children in foster care have funds which assist them–their medical coverage is covered by the state, they may receive food stamps for assistance with food, and they may receive funding to go towards living expenses (rent, clothing, etc.). This, by no means, completely covers the cost of raising a child (no one is getting rich by becoming a foster parent), however, it may affect if a family can afford to do it or not.
Your brothers are in a position that is not healthy–mentally or physically–for them. You know this. The question is not only how long they can survive like this (they surely aren’t thriving), but how long you can live with it, knowing they are living like they are. One the other hand, a call to CPS may not amount to anything. Neglect usually must be very severe (starving children, obvious physical abuse, etc.) for CPS to step in and take action, however, this can depend on your area. When I lived in Tulsa, our neighbor (who sounds a lot like your mom) was horrible with the boys–including having a boyfriend who used to beat the crap out of the kids. I reported them to CPS (and the police, and the Child Abuse Hotline) every time one of the boys would appear with a black eye, or I’d hear the boyfriend throwing things. This went on for a good two years, until she moved and the boys went with her. Seven years later, and I hope the kids are still alive, but CPS, although they made several home visits, never did step in and do anything.
As do I. My mother is a social worker, employed by the state, and she does a lot of work involving the foster care system. There’s probably other resources - steps you can take short of having the kids taken away. The process for having children taken from their family is difficult and it takes a long time; it seems very unlikely to me that parental rights would be terminated over this.
If you like, I can ask my mother if she can recommend a place to go to get specific advice - there are probably phone numbers to call or places to consult with someone who will be able to more fully evaluate the situation. There’s ways a social worker can be involved in making sure the home is livable and the environment at least minimally acceptable short of taking the kids away (and frankly, foster care is no sure bet either.) And thank you, on the kids’ behalf, for paying attention to this situation and being present.
My own advice would be to try to spend as much time with your siblings as you can, and keep them out of that house as much as possible. Having a decent role model makes a huge difference.
It isn’t just a choice between doing nothing or consigning the family to foster care. Most states have a range of interventions available. Family counseling, parenting classes and so on up the ladder until they get to removal.
Does your state have a child abuse hotline? I’d suggest starting there, and lay your story out. Don’t suggest that the father would be an equally bad parent, the grandparents are too old, etc. Just ask, “what can be done?”
Thank you all for your advice. I’ve talked it over with my younger brother and we will be looking into finding alternatives to foster care. I honestly do believe that if my mother gets the type of help she needs, that she will be able to take care of them. Once again thank you all very much. My last question is, does anyone know of a website or an agency who would be willing to speak with me about the matter? Thank you again.
Hey ashes53. When I was eleven years old I left home and walked myself to social services, bruised, beaten, hungry etc… It was the best decision I have ever made. Life is too short to live under those circumstances.
Guys, I’ve seen it mentioned before, but in cases of child abuse is not the Chicago Reader a Designated Reporter? So the OP might want to clarify the situation.
It seems to me that you can do a lot to resolve this situation without them leaving home. You should take steps to guide those in your family who need it, even if you do take steps to remove the kids from the home. You may not be able to raise your brother, or financially support him, but you can do a lot to make his life better.
Have you talked to your mother about her behavior? If you won’t for some reason, and your husband won’t, perhaps it’s best to call Child Protective Services and have the authorities talk with her. It’s not enough to just say “she’s a bad mother” and leave it at that. Tell her what she’s doing wrong and what she needs to do to fix it.
Also, you should talk to your middle brother. He should be looking after his younger brother. If your mother isn’t providing guidence to him, you should.
Your youngest brother needs to be in school. Every year he misses is another year he’s behind. If nothing else, get him into school. How did he end up not going and the older one going?
I’ve been in this business a long time and never heard of this - if a “designated reporter” is legally required to report certain things, newspapers would likely be exempt due to 1st Amendment considerations. However, I’ve kicked this upstairs for comment.
where in mid Michigan? There’s programs like Gateway in East Lansing that may be able to offer some specific ideas. I suspect if CPS were brought into the picture that the first idea would be to place w/dad. and though you state it would be a bad idea if dad accepted it, I doubt that anything else would be suggested.
Another organization I’ve heard of is “CASA” (Court Appointed Special Advocates) who get involved when there are potential problems w/children/parents/foster care.
Though (generally) foster care parents do go through a screening process, the sad reality is that there is more need for homes for kids than homes available. are there family friends who could help out? If the younger child is being beaten, that’s cause for immediate concern, need for intervention.
My apologies - I hope I’ve misremembered.
This depends entirely on the state.
Thank you all for your posts. My younger siblings are not being beaten, just seriously neglected. To answer a question that was asked. My youngest brother has a intestinal problem that would make school hard on him. (He needs to be able to use the restroom whenever necessary or this problem intestifies) I recently asked my younger brother how he felt about foster care, and he said he would think about it, although now I know that there are many other options that would problably be better. I also learned that my other brother (14) is going to move into his best friend’s family’s house for a trial period of 2 weeks. After talking with him it seems he has thought about it throughly and it appears to be the best thing for him. After 2 weeks he’ll return home for a minimum of a month to see if things don’t become better. If the situation doesn’t improve he will permantly move into his friend’s house. This takes care of the older one, but now I’m even more concerned about the younger. Once he, the older, moves out it will just be the younger and my mother. I’m afraid that things will become worse for him then. Aside for the excellent advice I have already received, are there any other suggestions at to what I should do if in fact it does become a worsened situtation between my mother and my youngest brother?