I am 24, and just now going back to college. I’ve struggled, and part of my problem was that I didn’t really believe I could be whatever I wanted to be.
Now I know it, and am taking action to make it happen.
You told him he could be anything he wanted to be; you didn’t tell him all choices under that heading would make him happy. You told him you’d be supportive, not that you would do it all for him.
He has to be the one to figure out what direction to take. One day, hopefully, he’ll pull his head out of it’s current location and realize that he is the only one to blame for his missed opportunities. He could have been a college student if he wanted to, he didn’t. Now he has to decide what he wants to be from here on out. It’s never too late to live your dreams.
But, he may still have to endure some discomfort. When he’s ready to face that part, then he’ll really be ready to live the dream.
P.S. This little speech would have offended the snot out of me when I was his age. Now it just sounds like plain common sense. Note to self: remember this when you have kids.
drollman, you are not the jerk. However, there is a caveat that everyone needs to add to the “you can be anything you want to be” speech. That is, “you can be anything you want to be, as long as you are willing to work for it”. I want to be rich, but that isn’t going to happen without hard work.
The only place where ‘success’ comes before ‘work’ is in the dictionary.
Olentzero: You’re quite welcome! That little statement is just something I’ve learned over the years…and years…and years of fending for myself.
Although I do have dreams of being a famous author, I really am quite happy where I’m at. Though I did not exactly aspire to a government job, I’ve found I’m quite good at what I do, and it’s provided me with a pretty good living. I’ve busted my butt to get to this point, and it’s been worth it, and I’ve learned from it.
The Constitution doesn’t guarantee happiness itself, but it does guarantee the right to pursue it. You’ve got to want it, and you’ve got to go after it. It isn’t just going to drop in to your lap.
Could he make more of his life? Perhaps, but…SOMEONE has to drive a forklift.
What exactly is it that bothers you about his life decision?
I once shocked my cousin’s uncle (not my relation) by telling him about my acquaintance, who had dropped out of school at 16 and is now making $50k a year dropping oil into paper-making machinery. Is that bad? Horrible? Less than average?
Does your nephew pay his own bills? Is he ok? Alcoholic? On drugs?
My opinion is to let him muddle through his own life. By all means encourage, but please don’t be cloying about it. I’m sure that at one point in your life you were young, dumb, and confused - go ahead and let your nephew work his way through it. Encourage, encourage, encourage…but please don’t force, else your nephew will fade from your life and you’ll have no influence at all.
Sadly, this is the case. One of the biggest problems I see facing us today is the fact that very few people want to stand up and take responsibility for their own happiness.
Y’all know me, y’all know how old I am (23, in case you don’t). I dropped out of college, too. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, I just decided I was wasting my time.
Getting a four year degree aint what it used to be. Anyone with half a brain can get a BA in english. It seems that more and more a formal education is not as valued as specialized expertise, unless you want to work your way up to middle-managment and be a corporate yes man.
I can (and often do) do anything I want. It makes me sick when someone in my age whines and pules about how it is mom’s fault they can’t get the car they want, and how it’s dad’s fault they can’t go to Europe. It’s the professor’s fault they failed the class, it’s the cop’s fault they got the ticket.
What a bunch of bullshit! It just really gets on my ass that many people think that I am one of these small-minded fools simply because I am in that age bracket. Especially since this phenomenon is one of my pet-peeves.
So, in answer to your question, you are not the jerk. I don’t think he is either. He, like so many others, lacks the sac to grab life by the horns and make it do what he wants on a level commenserate with his ability.
That’s all.
When I was his age, I thought my Father was about the dumbest human being on the planet. Wait about 15 years, my Dad got AMAZINGLY intellegent. I’ll bet it works with Uncles, too.
I don’t think anybody is a jerk in this little scenario, but I think what we have is a 19 y/o who is not terribly happy with the way things are, and he needs to blame somebody. Unfortunately, drollman, it’s you he’s fixed in his sights.
Continue to be supportive, but not to the extent that a hypersensitive person might consider nagging. He may come around, and realize you really were right.
First I would like to state, as a rule of thumb, the other guy is always the jerk. I don’t recall ever being a jerk in my life, it’s always the other guy. Especially when driving. It’s the other idiots on the road that make driving dangerous, it’s never you.
So anyway, the kid’s young. He’ll either see he actually has a chance out there or he won’t. At that age, if you keep riding him, he’ll feel stupid for being wrong or he’ll resent you for trying to control his life. Back off a little, but don’t give up on him. Here’s some examples of being what you want, even after a rocky start:
Two guys I met through work dropped out of school. We’ll call them Bob and Doug. Bob dropped out of high school at 15, Doug quit school in the 8th grade. They eventually realized what a bad decision that was and got their GEDs and went to college. They are now engineers for 3Com pulling down about $80,000 a year each. So it’s not too late. These guys both gave up at an early age and managed to find something they like to do and have become successful doing it.
He’s chosen what he wants to do. He could do something else if he chose to work for it. You weren’t in the wrong for letting him know that he has options. Whether or not he chooses to exercise them in another thing.
Yes, he’s a jerk, but perhaps with reason. I hope you said something more accurate like, “You can be anything you want to be within reason, if you are willing to work hard enough for it.”
Let’s face it, a male does not have much chance at becoming Miss America or the Queen of England, a black does not have much chance at becoming the leader of the KKK, and I doubt, no matter how hard he tried, that your nephew would become the first man to walk on the Sun (or the moon, for that matter–already taken). Even something realistic, like becoming an engineer, is not necessarily possible for everyone, as they simply may never live long enough to be mentally capable of grasping the concepts. And trying to make someone fall in love with you is often a recipe for disaster. I hate to sound pessimistic because I don’t see myself as such; rather, I’m just trying to be sensible. There are lots of opportunities, but the world isn’t all fluffy clouds and fuzzy bunnies, as much as we like to tell ourselves it is…
Certainly you are not a jerk, just optimistic. You were trying to impart hope, and “Hope is good thing, perhaps the best of things.” (from The Shawshank Redemption, a movie that might do your nephew some good, as long as he’s not suicidal…)
FTR, I’m 25 and I don’t recall ever blaming others for my own troubles (with the possible exception of driving–that is tough to take responsibility for sometimes). But then, as my acquaintances would tell you, I’m often the exception to the rule…
Rest Assured, he’s the jerk. You efforts to be caring and supportive were very noble… Some couples that cannot have children choose to avoid the kids of couples that can because it reminds them that they themselves cannot have kids. (that was very redundant and long… sigh)
In any event, don’t worry about it. I agree with the poster (can’t remember their name) that said to tell him that he can STILL be whatever he wants to be. (if he wants it enough)
My opinion is that he is blaming you because he messed up. He knows it, he sees how stupid he looks, and he wants someone to blame. I’ve been in that position many times…
The kid needs to discover it’s his fault for dropping out of school. If he thinks he can fulfill his dream without any serious effort, he’s damned mistaken. Most people can’t do that. I’m 17 and, growing up around adults for 90% of my life, realize that anything takes work to make it real and what you wanted it. The adults aren’t jerks unless they’re telling you that you can’t do something that’s within your reach.
