Long story short: A few years ago, my better half and I found out we could not have children (We’re working on adoption, but it’s a long process), so we decided we would just be the best aunt and uncle we could be. (11 nieces & nephews with more on the way!) I was quite close to one nephew. We shared a lot of good times and I often told him he could be anything he wanted to be. (I by no means drilled it into him or “nagged” him about it, I was being supportive.) Well, now he’s 19 going on 20 and he thinks I’m a jerk. Why? Because he decided to quite school and take a “dead end job” as a lift truck operator at a warehouse. I’m the jerk he says, because I put this “you can be anything” idea into his head and he now sees that it is unrealistic. So, the relationship is strained and I don’t know if he’s the jerk or I am? BTW I’m reminded of my favourite college professor and his favourite saying: “Every one is someone’s Asshole”. Any thoughts?
A tough love situation here.
He’s chosen work in a warehouse. When he realizes that he can make more money for less work in other arenas, he’ll live up to your words, or down to his attitude.
Tell him that he can still be anything that he wants to be – as long as he really wants to be it.
No, you’re not a jerk. Let him blame you. If you try to tell him that it’s his fault, it probably won’t work. When people screw up, they are likely to blame someone else. It’s like human nature or something. Anyway, you’re not a jerk for supporting him. He could’ve been anything he wanted to be, had he gotten the appropriate education.
Just because you told him he could be anything he wants doesnt mean all he has to do is sit on his ass and that brain surgeon job hes been wanting is going to fall in his lap. He has to work at it too.
If he quit school then his options are extremely limited. Tell him to go to a high school completion program or get his GED. That way he at least can continue his education and find himself a better job. No matter how much he wants a better job no one is going to just hand it to him. He has to work for it.
So in short no hes the jerk and your a great uncle for trying to instill some confidence in his thick skull 
He’s the jerk, and if you play it cool and remain friendly in, oh, about 3 years or so he will realize it. I taught college students for 10 years and blaming someone else for your problems is a prime characteristic of this age group.
Any dopers in the 18-23 age group, sorry. It’s my opinion, but it’s based on years of observation.
Could be he’s having a little confidence crisis and chooses to blame you for it. Maybe he’s in a lazy mode and would rather coast for awhile, or feels it’s too much like work to strive for anything better. I sure as hell wouldn’t let him send me on a guilt trip over this. He’s 20 years old and responsible for his own actions now. If he wants something better for himself he’ll have to buck up and do the work to get it. Otherwise he can wallow and coast and blame anyone he wants, it’s still his choice not yours.
Needs2know
Go on supporting him and hope for the best. Remind him that if he wants to, he can still get an education and offer to help him reach his goals. Good luck. And if he’s still convinced that you’re a jerk, say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” and move on. He’ll (hopefully) come around and realize you were right.
Interesting. Especially Cher3’s take on things. My wife and a few others say it’s his age because “he thinks he knows everything” and “it a phase he’s going through.” Personlly, quitting school is not a “phase” So how about it 18-23 dopers? I look forward to your $0.02.
IMHO, he’s the jerk. “Being anything you want to be” is not always unrealistic. Sometimes, you just get stuck for a little while being what you have to be, before you can be what you want to be.
I would like to write a book someday. But right now, I’m busy. I’ve got a family to support. So now, I’m doing what I have to, until I get the opportunity to do what I want. I’ll write the book someday. It may not be until I retire, but I’ll do it.
Tell the boy to grow up. He’s 19. He’s old enough to accept responsibility for his own happiness and lifestyle. He’s also old enough to understand that his choices are not your fault. So he’s not a fighter pilot. Is it your fault he didn’t join the military? No. So he’s not an artist. Is it your fault he didn’t go to art school? No. He can work his own way through college if his parents can’t help him. He is in control of his own life, not you. He’s still young enough to live his dreams, and he’s old enough to make up his own mind about which dreams he wants to live.
You’re not a jerk. He’s just trying to avoid responsibility.
You are definately not the jerk in this situation. It sounds to me like you were being supportive all the time. If he is blaming you for his situation, there is nothing you can do except continue to support him in whatever he does. If he wants to continue working the dead-end job, then support him in his endeavors. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you should stop providing him with opportunities for growth. If there is something you see that you feel will make him a better person, suggest it and then lay off and see what he does with it. It is his decision to make. Just be there for him when he needs you.
Just my $0.02 worth.
You are the jerk, drollman, but, in this case, you happen to be the jerk who’s in the right.
Keep on the kid. Don’t ever judge what he is doing now, but keep talking to him about all the stuff he could be doing.
Name: Tymp
Age: 23 years
Attitude: I can, in fact, do anything.
Absolutely no way are you the jerk in this situation. You’ve done nothing except remind him of the possibilities that still lie before him at such a young age. Hell, I don’t think anyone could even remotely define it as anything close to meddling or setting someone up for a fall.
Rest easy, be there for him if he comes around. As someone else said above, if he keeps harping on the “uncle’s a jerk” thing, say “I’m sorry you feel that way” and move on. No need kicking yourself over someone else’s life decisions if you didn’t have a direct hand making them.
Thanks, Persephone. I’m 30 myself and my job gives me no satisfaction. But it’ll give me the money I need to go take those translation courses I want and eventually get the certification. Your sentiments here just gave me a little boost to hang on. I owe you one.
I decided at the age of 16 (I was a junior in high school) that I was not going to college immediately following graduation. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I didn’t have the money to piss away, and I knew I wasn’t mature enought to deal with school. So I lived with my parents for a year, and moved out when I was a month shy of 19. At that time I was completely financially independant from my parents, and have remained so. I was temping, something that I think everyone can agree is pretty dead end. But I wasn’t doing it for the job, I was doing it to figure out what I REALLY wanted.
I assume that he dropped out of college rather than high school. I don’t know what his living situation is, but I would agree that if he’s working full time and living with his parents without contributing rent then he is a jerk.
HOWEVER. If he is either supporting himself financially or contributing financially to his parents at an agreed-upon amount, butt out. He’s 19, not 15, and it is his life to do with as he chooses. My parents were quite against my not going to school. They just didn’t get WHY I didn’t want to go immediately, and I could understand their confusion. But the best thing they did for me was to back off and let me live my life. I am returning to school this fall full time, and you damned well better believe I am going to be taking my classes WAY more seriously than the other ::eep:: freshmen. I am way more prepared now than I was then. I don’t regret taking time off one bit.
Then again, he may decide to not go back to school ever. He may decide that his life isn’t his job, and that he may be completely content with the job he has. I have a very good friend who is one of the most brilliant actors I know. He was trained in London, he has oodles of talent. And he lives in Richmond, Vermont (read: east bum$^&#) and paints houses for a living. Why? Because it leaves him time and flexibility to do what he loves, which is acting, where he loves, which is Vermont.
You are allowed to think that what your nephew is doing is wrong for him. But telling him how he should run his life after the age of 18 is only going to alienate him further. Support him as best you can, don’t support him financially, and discourage his parents from supporting him financially. He has chosen the real world, let him live in it, for all it’s positives and negatives.
Seems to me that the “who’s a jerk” part of the conversation is a dead end. You can play that game with him if you want to, but what will you get out of it?
Not knowing you or your nephew, my perception is that he feels that he has given up on his dreams, and so is feeling terrible. He may be taking it out on you because he thinks you’re judging him, the same way he’s judging himself.
The positive part of this is that it looks like your opinion matters a lot to him. So perhaps you can use that to get the relationship back on a better track. Let him know that you still think highly of him, no matter what decisions he makes about his life. After all, it is his life, and he is just starting to be an adult and realizing that it’s no picnic.
It is easier said than done, but that’s the approach I try to take in my life. Good luck.
You’re definitely no jerk. Note: You said, “He DECIDED to quit school and…” That was his decision, not yours. He made his bed, now he can lie in it. Everyone who’s posted has been right. He can be anything he wants to be, but he can’t be anything just sitting there. You have to earn it. You have to work your butt off for it. And then…some of us are just lucky. But that’s extremely rare, like one in a million. He’s decided to work in a warehouse, so that’s how it will be, unless he tries to obtain a diploma. You don’t always need a diploma to get by but it sure helps. My mother hadn’t thought that she needed a college degree, and now she regrets it. She works (well, worked until she had to stay home to care for Dad) as a teacher’s aide at our elementary school. They had been in need of an art teacher for a while, or at least a helper, but Mom didn’t qualify. She had a degree in art, but not one in teaching, so she was screwed. But she was very happy with her teacher’s aide job. It took her many years to reach that point of finding her calling, but it was worth it.
Don’t let your nephew blame you. but also don’t be one of those “I told you so” type of people either (though I’m sure you’re not because you’re probably a super uncle!)
Name: Welfy
Status: 18 in two months (does that count?), soon to be senior in high school, planning on going to college
Attitude: I can do anything if I put my faith and my mind into it. <><
“You can be anything you want to be” does not mean you get to click your heels together three times and it happens.
It’s more like “You can be anything you want to be once you set your mind on it and work for it.” YOU did not make that bit of truth up. The fact that he doesn’t get that is damned annoying. If he isn’t willing to work towards his goals, it sure as hell ain’t you who is being the jerk.
I should add that I met plenty of exceptions to my rule. My view is also undoubtedly colored by the fact that I spent a couple of years on the college Judicial Committee listening to why it was everyone’s fault but the defendent’s that he (or she) plagiarized that paper, cheated on that test, and so on.
Of course when their parents called to complain about their grades it became clear whose fault it really was.
Okay, I’ll shut up now.
Hallo…
I didn’t realize that 18-23 was a “know everything” phase. I’ve found that most people around this age are more worried than anyone about what they’re future is going to look like. Maybe that’s just people who support themselves, and aren’t leeching off their parents.
I wouldn’t worry about this situation, your nephew obviously has a lot of growing up to do. Just let him do it, and continue to support him in what he’s into. It sounds like he thinks that you should be able to do anything without real effort. I’m sure he’ll learn that it’s all very well to say that you can do anything, but the realitiy is that you have to work bloody hard to do it.
Just for the record:
Name: Nigel
Age: 20
Mindset: I HAVE done most things I want to. Have a great career (really… a career at 20)… I’m good at taking my hobbies and making them into jobs. I have a long time ahead of me, and I see nothing but good stuff. If something goes wrong, I’ve always looked at what I could do to fix it, or avoid having it happen again. Never would I try to blame someone else for my problems or mistakes.
-niggle
drollman, your nephew may be unhappy with his life it is now, so of course his first reaction will be to lash out at the people around him. In no way are you a jerk.
I think it is commendable to teach young people to aim high, and I plan on using the “you can be everything you want to be” speech myself with my nephew/niece and my children (if I happen to have any.) However, (not meaning to turn this into a great debate), the unfortunate fact is that you can’t always be what you want to be. But that doesn’t mean you should give up your ambitions before you’ve tried.
I’m weighing in at 22 years and change. Claiming that it is impossible and unrealistic to do whatever you want is a copout and an excuse not to try at all. It’s possible he just doesn’t have a clue what he wants to do and is thus unwilling to take a big leap.
Shit, it’s hard enough for me. I’ve got a six figure, elite-assed education, but all of my previous career plans have gone to shit. Now I just have to go the office every day and wonder what I want to do with myself a few years from now. I suppose this is what “real life” is supposed to be like. But at least I am on my own and making enough money to be independent.
So a little tough love sounds good to me. I hope he comes around eventually, and I hope you don’t say that you told him so. Nothing hurts like condescension.
Regards,
MR