My wife and I are in our 60s, living in a suburban neighborhood of detached single family houses. A year or so a younger couple with 2 young boys - currently aged 5 and 3 - moved next door. The parents seem very pleasant and maintain their home nicely. We have no desire to develop any relationship with them other than pleasantly acknowledging each other when we see each other.
Their 2 kids seem to have screaming as their default communication setting. When they are out in their yard, we jokingly ask each other what is the over/under before one or both of them start screaming. Yes, I know that some screaming is to be expected of young kids, but this level exceeds anything we’ve personally experienced before, and certainly exceeds what our parents would have allowed of us, or what we would have allowed of our kids. But I realize that there is no way for us to say anything about that, either when it is happening, or as we are exchanging banal pleasantries.
On occasion, the older of the 2 will scream something over and over for at least a couple of minutes. The other day it was “Mom!”, for at least 3 minutes. My wife and I were in different parts of our house when this was happening, but after, we both said, “Did you hear that?” And we wondered if we should/could have stepped outside and asked if everything was all right.
I don’t know if the kids scream because their parents don’t listen, or if one/both kid has some emotional issue or something.
Like I said, I’m assuming the answer is simply, if that is the worst from our neighbor, we should count ourselves fortunate and assume they will grow out of it. But just wondering if any of you had any thoughts, perhaps from similar experiences.
I think about this as equivalent to the neighbor with nuisance-level barking dogs. I see a couple of possibilities:
The parents are genuinely unaware that this is going on, are grateful for you bringing it to their attention, and they take immediate and successful measures to rectify the situation;
The parents are either unaware or aware of exactly what their kids are doing, and will do absolutely nothing about it. Nothing gained, nothing lost;
The parents are not the textbook definition of reasonable and civil people, and your comments – however thoughtfully, non-confrontationally, and plaintively presented – turn them against you. You’re branded as anti-child, and that sentiment is spread throughout your community. You’re now something of a pariah in your own home and neighborhood, if not worse.
How accurately do you think you can gauge the relatively likelihood of each of these potential outcomes with the people next door?
Short Answer: No. Once across your/their property line, you can’t tell anybody shit. Good Luck, but I do suspect they will grow out of it, or at least be in school a lot of the time.
I have neighbors with these. I, on the other hand, have nuisance-level stereo equipment.
We encountered a similar situation after moving in 4 1/2 years ago.
The couple across the way from us has 3 kids, the youngest at the time being a girl of about 3. We quickly found out she was a screamer. At every possible stimulus, her default response has been to scream like a banshee, and the pattern has lessened marginally to this day.
Since the family as a whole generally does no more than mildly obnoxious things, we’ve opted to overlook the periodic ear-shattering shrieks, to preserve neighbor harmony.
From observing parents like these in various settings, they likely are 1) oblivious, 2) hardened to the noise, 3) think it’s a “natural” part of growing up, and/or 4) know that the appalling noise offends the neighbors but don’t give a shit.
Re the OP: I estimate at best a 1/100 chance that any polite complaint will be taken good-naturedly, and a 1/10,000 chance they’ll make any effort to rein in the screamers.
Best odds say you’ll make an enemy of them, to unknown effect.
*is there a chance that one or both kids are on the autism spectrum?
Although, as parent of child very much on the autism spectrum, who would melt down at a drop of the hat for years, I thanked neighbors in advance for their understanding. And it was also part of requesting neighbors to call me. Especially if my daughter was by herself and doing something unsafe like wailing in the middle of the street.
Friends of mine had this exact issue with their new neighbor. The house was a wreck and a hoarding situation, but the owners cleaned it out, fixed it up, and sold it to a young family. It appears the younger (girl) is not allowed to shriek, or at least it’s not tolerated. But the older (boy) is allowed to scream and shriek as his primary form of communication (they suggest it’s some sort of cultural thing where the male child gets to do whatever they want).
My friends, relieved the shit-hole next to them is finally being cared for were dealing with multiple-daily scream sessions. They went over there the first week the new family moved in to both welcome them to the street, and lay-down some rules, which apparently has greatly reduced the screaming. Lesson: yes, it is appropriate to have a word with them about it, as with any nuisance - also, there may be a very good reason for the screaming if the child has some sort of health issue. You wont know until you ask.
My next door neighbors have three small children and I know they concern themselves with the noise, which I assure them is not an issue, having raised a couple of kids at my house. Two doors down is an in-home day-care and the screaming is nearly continuous on weekdays - that is more bothersome but I can deal with it.
Yeah - that pretty much sums up my assessment. Enhanced by my view of much of modern parenting seemingly aimed at putting minimal into having the precious darlings acknowledge, let alone respect, anyone else’s interests.
In my experience, folk who throw loud parties, play loud music late, have barking dogs, have smoky bonfires - feel they should be able to do whatever they want on their property, with little to no concern for their neighbors. (I’m coming across as a giant crank. Overall, my neighborhood is quite pleasant and quiet. But I often feel SOME others do not make as much effort to minimize their potential negative impact on their neighbors as we do.)
I’m not sure how unpleasant the kids screaming is, compared to the alternative of having them continue to live there for years, bearing a grudge and not being even superficially pleasant towards us. Weather is getting colder, we’ll be outside less and have our windows closed. So hopefully it will get better as the kid ages.
Yeah - I imprecisely intended to suggest that possibility of “an emotional issue or something.” If so, it does not appear to be profound (to my non-medical eyes.) But, ya know, many kids on the spectrum are nevertheless able to learn to not scream in public.
This kid is not always throwing a tantrum. Sometimes the shrieks seem a part of intended play, or to get attention.
So, those who WOULD say something, what exactly would you say, and when?
I would have told the kid almost immediately, nicely but sternly, to stop. Do it in the manner of a schoolteacher: caring, but no-nonsense - like you’re on their side, but this will not abide.
Would you say/do that whether the parent was there or not?
IME, parents take an awfully dim view of other adults addressing their kids to say anything other than how wonderful they are.
I wondered about some time that I see the mm or dad saying something like, “Boy, your kids seem to scream a lot. I assume you do not know how loudly that noise travels.” But I don’t expect that to have any positive result either.
In situations like this (admittedly, not a HUGE issue), I am often undecided whether to not say anything, or to say something and be ignored. Not sure which results in feeling more/less frustrated and helpless.
Just seems so uneven, because if someone let me know that something I was doing interfered with their quiet enjoyment of their home, absent some crazy factor, I’d immediately apologize and modify/cease that behavior.
Happy. Fighting. Trying for attention. Seemingly innocuous statements. All of the above. One time I was walking past and exchanged some pleasantries with the dad - maybe 10’ away. The 5 year old screamed something I couldn’t understand. Just some 5-yr-old banality. But the volume/tone was way inappropriate for the distance/subject.
He doesn’t ALWAYS scream. I’ve heard him speak in a normal tone. But he sure screams A LOT.
I have a friend who worked as a teachers aide (sorry, I’ve forgotten the professional job title - para-professional?) for kids needing help, who was a master at saying hard things with an expression of understanding, yet clarity. I just imitate her. I would probably not do it while the parents were standing right there, but she was able to. She had a way of doing it while commiserating with the parents at the same time.
The sister of someone who is autistic yet he doesn’t appear to be profoundly disabled
The mother of someone who is autistic with other invisible disabilities yet they don’t appear to be profoundly disabled
The grandmother of a child who is autistic, with at least two other invisible disabilities, who would no doubt not appear profoundly disabled to you. This child is, at 7 years old, on the brink of being expelled permanently from a free and appropriate public school education because they are at the mercy of a school system that believes like you do that because many kids are nevertheless able to learn not to scream in public and therefore if she isn’t complying it is because she won’t. It can’t possibly be because she can’t not scream.
How about “Wow, he’s loud for me next door. It must be really loud for you in the house.”
In other words, we’re all in this together, and you only stated a fact, not a judgement.
I can’t really imagine circumstances I’d say anything about 3 & 5 yo kids’ noise, unless they were staging leaf blower vs string trimmer power jousts or something.
When we lived in Calgary, we had a neighbour who had a daughter (aged 12 or 13) who screamed at damn near everything. She sees a cat. “Eeeek!” Not that she was afraid of it, it was just that the cat was cute. A sports car passes by. “Eeeek!” Again, it’s just a cool-looking car. It would be summertime and windows were open, and we’d hear her screaming at whatever was on TV. A few years later when she was maybe 16, she held a party when her parents went out of town for the weekend. More screaming as boys chased her and her friends around the lawn. It seemed that this girl could not express herself without a loud scream. (Wonder what she was like at school?)
My wife had had enough. She spoke with the neighbour, politely, but couching it as a “boy who cried wolf” scenario. “If she’s really in trouble, how would we know? She screams so much. How do we tell a ‘Help me!’ scream from a ‘Cute kitty’ scream? If she needs help, then of course, we’re happy to do what we can, but how do we tell the difference?”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the girl didn’t scream so much anymore.
There is a small female creature – thankfully quite some houses away from me (I pity the neighbours who are closer) who constantly shrieks like she is being murdered. It’s far enough away that at first it didn’t bother me – I just thought it was the usual nice sounds of children playing, but it really started to grate on my nerves this summer. I’m glad we now have colder weather, meaning not only that the windows are closed but that the shrieking banshee is confined indoors.
It doesn’t have to be this way. The neighbours immediately behind me have a young son and daughter of elementary school age and the only time – literally the only time – I heard a peep out of them was when they got a new swimming pool and the little girl got all excited jumping into it. They also have a dog that I’ve never heard bark. I’m not exactly sure what the moral of this story is, but I’m reminded of the SNL skits that feature the LOUD family. Some people are just LOUD and their screeching children are just natural to them. I’m the opposite of that. I drink silence like it was a fine wine. But like fine wines, I don’t get enough of it.
I think some of the previous posts have offered good advice to the OP and I don’t have anything more to offer. But parents tend to be automatically defensive about their children so this sort of complaint has to be approached very tactfully. I’ll just add that the household featuring the screeching banshee that is fortunately some distance away from me also features a nuisance barking dog. There’s a remarkable consistency here, reminding me of an old adage (paraphrased) that 10% of our population is responsible for 90% of our noise problems. Or to paraphrase it differently, 10% of our population is responsible for 90% of our bad behaviour problems.
