So, a few years ago, I was having some financial difficulties and had to move from an expensive apartment in San Fransicso to a room in private house in the city. I found a great guy on a well known website and went to go meet with him. He was really nice, and he decided that I was the best candidate to rent a room in his house. I lived with him for about 6 months. He was older, about 70 and as far as I could tell, he was in good physical condition.
Anyway, life happened and I ended up moving across the country, but we still kept in touch, albeit sporadically. I hadn’t heard from him in a few months, which was not that unusual.
Recently, I was reading the SF Chronicle online and I saw his obituary. It simply said that he died unexpectedly (does anyone really die “expectedly”?) at his home.
Naturally, I was sad, but there is a nagging part of me that wants to know what happened to him. I do have a phone number of a close friend of his, and I plan on calling to offer my condolences. I’ve decided that it’s probably not appropriate for me to ask what the circumstances of his death were, so I probably won’t. But I do want to know… It’s not unusual for a 70 year old man to die, but he just seemed so full of life and active. He was always on the go and so vibrant. I just want to know if he was in an accident at home, or he had a heart attack, or what…
Is it just me, or is it human nature to want to know the circumstances of a death? Would it be rude of me to casually ask his good friend what happened? I don’t know him at all, other than a few brief meetings. I just don’t want to bring up any more sorrow by recounting how he “fell in the shower and lay there for 3 days, or he choked on a piece of bread” or something awful like that.
It’s absolutely human nature, and it’s absolutely human to want to know. Obituaries can be really frustrating, with all their coy euphemism.
I’d take your approach of expressing surprise, when you call the friend, rather than directly asking what happened. Unless it’s something REALLY interesting, he’ll tell you.
I think it’s perfectly normal to ask. I’d offer condolences and then after a bit of chatting simply say that you’re curious what happened. Unless it was something extremely tragic I can’t imagine why his friend wouldn’t share it with you. And if it was tragic and unspeakable i think you could sense that about 5 seconds after asking and could backtrack and apologize for asking.
I’ve found that, when you give condolences to someone, the person accepting usually mentions the cause of death.
Call someone and say, “I was very sorry to hear that x had died. It was a big shock.” They will usually answer by telling you what happened without further prompting.
I don’t think it is rude or insensitive at all to ask how he died. I’d certainly ask.
Obituaries piss me off a lot. When someone young dies, I really want to know why–otherwise don’t publish it! They can dump my body in the landfill after I die for all I care, but, especially if I die young, if I have a published obituary, I want the reason I died included. (Unless it is something really embarrassing!)
Well, yes. There are certain diseases and conditions where the patient is not expected to live a long time. Congestive heart failure, kidney failure, that sort of thing.
I myself was Googling some old friends and acquaintances, and I learned that an old boss of mine had died some years back. I do wonder what she died of, as she would have been about 55 or so. I was rather surprised to find that she’d bought a house with one of her old boyfriends. I was amazed that they’d stayed together for so long, as she was not monogamous at all, and he was, and it grieved him. I do sort of wonder what happened, but I really didn’t know him at all, and I certainly don’t want try to get in touch with him and ask.
Yeah, I think it’s natural for 2 reasons, for one, it’s an important event in someone’s life, people think nothing of asking where did you two meet 'cuz it’s a positive event, but our curiousity is the same.
Also, I think there’s an unspoken thought of ‘and how do I dodge that bullet, myself,’ in our minds. Again, nothing wrong with that, just don’t be a jerk, works so well.
If you were a close enough friend or family member, you would have heard. If not, well, that’s the position you are in. It’s obviously normal to want to know more, but sometimes it’s none of your business.
