I was having what I thought was a discussion with my cousin about Imane Khelif. He was saying she was transgender and I was saying she wasn’t. There was some back and forth between us with me saying why I thought she wasn’t and him saying she was. I noticed his voice getting a bit louder but I come from a loud family so it didn’t really bother me. Also I’m very comfortable with people disagreeing with me in fact I quite enjoy a conversation where there is disagreement and differing opinions because that’s how I learn about different ideas. I don’t dislike somebody or get mad at them just because we have different opinions so I just assume other people aren’t going to be mad at me for having a different opinion.
I am very careful who I have these types of conversation with though because I’m not at all interested in having a verbal fight with someone. But my cousin and I are close and so I just assumed he’d be ok with me having a different opinion.
But then he suddenly got really angry, insulted me, my beliefs, my mom (wtf). I was completely taken aback. His wife suddenly stopped him. I don’t remember what she said and I just said “I’m going to leave now” and got up and left. He’s one of my very favourite people so I was heartbroken.
After a few minutes he came to me and gave me a heartfelt appology which I accepted but, hours later, I’m still pretty sad about it.
Anyway all that has led me to ask another “how I hooman” question. I’m fine with other people disagreeing with me so I assume they will be ok with me disagreeing with them. Is this not the case? Is it abnormal?
This is a topic where there has been a lot of anger baiting. The claim that she is trans comes from a place of anger. It’s pushed as being unfair to the other female athletes. And it is pushed as being some sort of coverup for “woke” reasons.
In those circumstances? Yes, people tend to get angry about disagreement. See also why they say you don’t discuss politics or religion. Those also can get heated.
Also, the subject of infringement of social gender norms in particular is one that a lot of people get very upset about (see also: “Gender Critical” ideology).
Many people on some level feel really threatened by having to confront characteristics of sex and gender that aren’t neatly binary, and react to them very defensively. (And as BigT points out, the anti-trans movement has really valorized the idea that being aggressively contemptuous and insulting about trans people, or other gender-atypical people accused of being trans, is somehow a noble defense of the rights of “women and girls”).
Maybe your cousin would have similarly flown off the handle on any other subject of disagreement, but from over here on the sidelines, your description of his response sounds possibly consistent with some degree of transphobic radicalization.
I am quite alright for people to disagree with me. I actually prefer conversations where there is some disagreement as it can lead to a different or better understanding of things. Even with my own children I don’t care if they disagree with my point of view. I don’t really try change their minds because of the power differential but I grew up in an environment where we debated all sorts of things in my junior and high school classes.
Your cousin is probably a good person who falling down the rabbit hole of RW radicalization by propaganda. He’s being / has been conditioned by their garbage to respond with anger, nay rage, to these kinds of topics. Eventually it becomes Pavlovian: say “trans” and they explode.
He’s clearly still savable, at least as to relationships with family. If you want to be angry, be angry at Faux. If you want to be sad, be sad for him, not at him. There’s nothing wrong with you in this exchange.
As @Cervaise wisely said, there are a lot of mentally / emotionally unhealthy people in this world today, with more being cynically created and deliberately worsened every single day. Your cousin seems to be one of them.
I realized while still a child that if I were only going to be friends with people who agreed with me about everything, I wasn’t going to have any friends.
I don’t think I’ve ever met somebody who agrees with me about everything. Some people agree with me more than others, of course.
Turning the OP’s title on its head, when / how has it become unusual, or impossible, to be OK with people who disagree with you? (The rhetorical “any you”, not the OP specifically.)
IMO …
One of the indicia of tribalism is it brooks no dissent. You must be all-in on your tribe’s lore, your tribe’s beliefs, and your tribe’s priorities. The saying “My tribe right or wrong” almost doesn’t make sense since the idea of your tribe being wrong is almost unthinkable.
In that tribal environment, of course many people will not be OK with someone who disagrees with them and their tribe.
Bottom line: The OP is not weird. What’s weird is the era he’s imbedded in where the normal give and take of society has been replaced by glaring with crossed arms at one another across an unbridgeable divide. At best.
Yes, this is the same for me. It’s how I learn and grow. I love hearing the views of others.
I have found myself over the years having to say to people who seem to be getting angry that I disagree with them, “It’s ok to disagree, we’re just having a conversation”. Only to be met with “you’re just not listening to me!”. To which I have to reply “I’m listening, I just disagree with you like you disagree with me, but that’s ok, we’re just talking”.
It’s been extremely rare that the other person is just as ok with disagreeing as I am.
The whole essay is good (as are most of his other essays). The relevant excerpt:
You can’t distinguish your group by doing things that are rational, and believing things that are true. If you want to set yourself apart from other people, you have to do things that are arbitrary, and believe things that are false. And after having spent their whole lives doing things that are arbitrary and believing things that are false, and being regarded as odd by “outsiders” on that account, the cognitive dissonance pushing children to regard themselves as Xes must be enormous. If they aren’t an X, why are they attached to all these arbitrary beliefs and customs? If they aren’t an X, why do all the non-Xes call them one?
Someone whose sense of identity is based on tribal membership (with said membership evidenced by espousing certain beliefs), and who fears that admitting they are wrong will result in a loss of tribal membership, is going to feel threatened when another person confronts them with contrary beliefs.
If it comes up with him again, it would be fair to ask him “why did that happen?” For some people, it’s the kind of question that can lead to self-reflection.
I’m not a sociologist or anything, but I suspect in actual tribes there were plenty of disagreements and discussions. But once a course of action was decided, the whole tribe needed to get with the program as that’s really the only way it could function.
I feel like modern day tribalism is a bit different in that everyone can just get with their own program. And it doesn’t matter because they can just go online and find a like-minded group of people to support them, regardless of how stupid the idea is. Because ultimately there’s no real consequences.
There’s no direct personal consequences for them. Yes, indirectly they harm society and themselves with their stupid decisions. But they don’t feel those consequences as something they caused.