I think that’s a good decision. Similar situation: when my boyfriend’s mother was in the nursing home, she kept asking him and his brother where their father was. He’d been dead for 20 years. They kept trying to tell her that and she was getting more and more upset wondering why they say such a terrible thing to her. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore and said he was at home getting some rest. She immediately relaxed. She’d ask a little later and we’d give the same answer knowing she wouldn’t remember we’d said the same thing just a little while earlier.
Kindness works the best, IMO. I’m sorry about your mom. It’s such a difficult situation.
Good to see someone got the reference :). It is a disturbingly close analogy–a closed city; limited short-term memory; authority figures not quite what they seem; vague childhood memories of places that you can’t seem to get to any more. Brighter digs, though.
I do hope they build some of these villages in the US. There are really no perfect options for dementia but I have to admit I’d prefer this option to any of the alternatives. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Due to another lovely effect of dementia, I’m at the ER right now.
Mom decided that she could get herself out of the wheelchair without help, and fell.
She seems intact, but we are waiting for test results.
The grandmother of a friend of mine was sad that she couldn’t remember his wedding. He hadn’t gotten married, but she couldn’t remember that part and in her world it is only Right and Proper that people who live together have gotten married. “I wish I could remember your wedding…”
I’ve found you really have to take each situation as it comes, do your best, and not beat yourself up if you say something that causes them to become upset.
There’s a certain level of “re-orientation” that we try to do. Yes, this is your house. Here’s your bathroom. Shall we go look at your bedroom now? What a lovely bedspread! No, we’re not in Oakland, you live in Chicago now. (The detail that you’ve lived in Chicago for 30 years is usually not helpful.)
Asking people, “don’t you remember?” is rarely, if ever, helpful. The answer is obvious. No, they don’t remember. And yes, it sometimes bothers them that they can’t remember. Think about how you would feel if someone told you that you’d had dinner with them last night, and you didn’t remember it even a little bit. You’d be upset, right? Scared? Think maybe they were lying to you for some reason? Dementia doesn’t change any of those perfectly normal reactions to being told something you don’t remember.
They taught us in nursing school that people with dementia don’t realize they’ve lost memories and they’re not bothered by their memory loss. Which I can tell you after 5 years of working with people with dementia is complete and utter bullshit. They know. They may not always know, they may not recognize the extent of the loss, but they have some level of awareness that things aren’t right, and it’s often terrifying for them. I’m sorry to say it. Perhaps I should toe the nursing line and repeat that comforting lie for family members, but…I can’t. Yes, Mom knows she’s confused sometimes. It scares her. Try to hold your compassion for that in the moments when she’s driving you crazy. She’s not giving you a hard time, she’s ***having ***a hard time.
“Dad can’t see you tonight, but he sends his love and misses you very much,” is both appropriate and kind.
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The only time we corrected people was when it would help them. For instance, we had one man who thought he was back in the concentration camps sometimes. Obviously, it was better to correct this.
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Would make me wonder about the kind of care he was getting at that facility!
When I was a health aide I had a client that had Alzheimer’s and his wife had just dies. He was still living at home and had a health aide around the clock , I was there so the health aide could get a 2 hours break. When the health aide left my client looked at with a big smile on his face and said " My wife will be back soon !" I thought very quickly about how my client would react if I told him that his wife was dead. He was over 6ft tall and very strong for an old man and I didn’t want to find what he would do if found that wasn’t wife so I told a lie and said " Yes your wife will be home soon." And he left the room still wearing his great big smile . I told a nurse what happen and she said I did the right thing so I will say it’s OK to tell lie if the truth is going to cause pain and confusion to a person that has memory lost.
I had another client that also had Alzheimer’s he lived with his wife and I gave them some tea and I asked the husband if he would like some more tea and he looked at as I was nut ! He didn’t remember drinking all his tea so I ask him if he would like some tea and said yes.