I grew up in the 70/80s. Spanking was the norm back then and my father used it freely.
Yes, I feared the belt for quite some time. Until one day, my father accussed me of something I didn’t do. and he summarilly spanked me for it. I remember at the time I was so pissed off at him for not believing me, that I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry this time when he whipped me. I was so angry, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
After it was over with, I looked him straight square in the eyes “With all due respect. You were wrong about this one.” That was the last time he ever whipped me. From that day on I was “grounding” age.
Looking back on it, I can’t help but wonder, if all those ass whippings gave me a sense of bravery. I often wonder wonder if I would have this bravery, or inclination to face my fears had it not been for all those ass whippings.
I’m not advocating for it, mind you, I just wonder…
Spanking works. Baby spankings were two or three light swats on the butt. Just light taps.
Spankings for older kids were delayed a couple hours. So that the kid could think about why they were going to get spanked and so that the parent could cool down first. It’s important to administer one when mom or dad is very calm and under control. A few light pops with the belt and that’s it.
I think spanking should be the last resort, not the default.
I never thought I’d spank. I got them good when I was a kid, as in my ass would be stinging and I literally couldn’t sit down for hours.
However, I did give my son a few swats when he was a toddler. More to get his attention than anything else, I doubt a swat on a diaper padded bottom hurts. Once when I was pumping gas he kept getting out of the car seat, getting out of the car and trying to run across a busy road. Finally I gave him a good swat, buckled him back in and he stayed there.
Some woman started to say something to me and I guess she could read it on my face because I thought one word out of you bitch and you’re next. She shut her mouth and walked away.
A swat to the rear is better than getting hit by a car.
This sounds about right to me. I recall spanking each of my kids maybe 1 or 2 times, when they were maybe 2 - 3 years old. The only one that stands out was when my 2 1/2 year old daughter was going through a biting phase. We tried a number of interventions to no avail. Then, once when she and I were playing, she bit my clavicle - have you ever had that happen? It hurts! Without thinking, I flipped her over and swatted her three times on the tush and put her in her room. She never bit anyone again, so I have no complaints.
If you do, be consistent. and BOTH parents have to go along with this.
My wife is a big time softy. No matter what the problem she cannot bring herself to discipline the kid, even putting them in time out. Once when the kid was being bad and she called me up on the phone crying because she didnt know what to do so when I got home I told her “either leave the house or go into the office upstairs, close the door, and turn on the tv LOUD”. Then I drug my son into the laundry room and we had a “discussion”. Frankly I think my wife cried more than my kid and I only gave the kid one swat. Just the threat was all that was needed.
She just can NOT bring herself to being a firm parent. And you could tell say when she had the kids at the store or the park and she had no control and she even admitted it.
Maybe its a mother-son thing? I know some Mom’s who were tougher on their daughters than sons and vise versa with fathers/sons.
I’m glad we are well past that stage and just taking away video games is all that is needed.
I keep reading people saying this despite numerous studies that indicate spanking does not work and leads to negative long-term consequences. Obviously, these studies don’t have highly-individualized analysis, but indicate general trends, but then, so does this comment. I wonder if the people who say this about spanking ignore all studies.
I am not a parent, so I am sure you all are going to say I am just talking out my ass, but I will loudly and clearly say I don’t think my parents spanking me did anything for me except make me terrified of them. I didn’t get respect for them, just fear. I hate spanking. It’s just bullying. You’re bigger and meaner, so you can hit your children with impunity when you are mad at them. No matter what “lessons” you were trying to teach, the lesson that comes across is just that: when you are bigger, you can hit people for not listening to you.
I get what you’re saying, but I would submit that you really shouldn’t be taking the “efficient” way for parenting. It is raising your own child, for goodness’ sakes. Take the time with timeouts and reasoning, and whatever else you need, just raise a civilized youngster.
People who beat with things other than hands, that’s beating for sure. I’m sorry, but taking a belt to your child? That is just terrible.
After just finishing rasing our kid to the age of 9 this is somewhat my opinion of it also.
When disciplining over the years I know the urge to get it done swiftly and efficiently with spanking was always there. But the root reason of why I wanted to go the spanking route was because I was being lazy, impatient, and uncreative.
Using more effective non-physical discipline took more self discipline on my part. Took more patience and time on my part. I feel not only my kid but myself have benefited from it in the long run.
I can’t help myself now from judging others when I see people out in public spanking their kids thinking “wow, that person really is lazy”.
In my situation, it was very rare, while they were very young, and swats. Meh. I guess my point is that I believe it is correct to teach that spanking should be avoided - as a general rule, that is true. A couple of times, reality happened. Another thing you wish you could navigate perfectly, but can’t. Parenting stinks from that standpoint.
What’s hilarious is that with my oldest, when he was an infant, the easiest way to get him to sleep was holding him in the crook of my arm with his head towards my elbow, playing his tush with a simple drum groove ;). Kinda like setting the carrier on the dryer or going for a drive. He was gone in minutes.
Agreed. It’s not like I’ve never wanted to hit my child, of course I’ve wanted to hit him. I even had a dream where I smacked him across the face, was intensely satisfying it the dream, but when I woke up I felt awful. But when I do feel like hitting him I remind myself that I am an adult, not a child, and I need to be a behavior model for my child. I believe people who turn to hitting their child rather than other means of behavior management are either as you said lazy, impatient and uncreative, or maybe they just don’t know there are other ways of parenting.
With my son I make sure I praise the crap out of him when he is being good, make sure he is well fed and well rested, give him outlets for his energy, and let him know when his behavior is getting out of line and try to redirect or shut it down long before I feel he needs to be disciplined. I give him choices so he feels in control of his situation, from which of two shirts he wants to wear to if he would rather calm down and say he’s sorry to the cat for hitting or whether he’d prefer to be in time out. In order to get out of time out he has to tell me what he did wrong and apologize, and we talk about why what he did was wrong. I also make sure that he sees me saying “Please” and “Thank You”, helping other people, and being kind, so he knows how to behave.
Hitting your child is wrong, lazy, and uncreative. If you think it’s the only way to moderate your child’s behavior, please take a class on parenting or read a book or something. It’s not right and it’s damaging your child.
Its fine as long as its rare enough to be unusual. My Dad physically punished me twice in my life. Both incidents, and why the behavior that prompted them was wrong, were burned into my brain and I did not repeat either action - ever. That was good spanking. My mother on the other hand was just a hitter and would hit for any reason; all I learned from that was how to duck.
Or are you ignoring, among others, the meta study referenced in post #14? This is not a cut-and-dry issue. One does not have to “ignore” studies on either side to come to differing conclusions.
Full disclosure - I have raised 3 children to adulthood. With my two oldest I practiced what Larzelere calls “conditional spanking” - light swats on the behind with an open palm and only as a last resort or, as someone else mentioned, to avoid immediate danger. I never had to spank my youngest at all as other methods proved effective. Different kids, different personalities, different methods. Spanking (not beating) is a tool in the parental toolbox. It should, IMHO, be kept at the bottom of the tool box and only used when nothing else works. Discarding it arbitrarily is, to me, as short sighted as using it too frequently.
I always said I would never spank and I agree that is not a good way to parent.
That said, each of my children has been “spanked” once, if we can call a single swat to the behind a spanking.
The oldest got a swat to the butt when he was throwing rocks at his brother, the youngest when he bit his brother hard enough to draw blood.
In both cases it was purely instinctual and delivered to stop behavior that was dangerous. They both howled like they’d been hit with a cinder block, but neither of the behaviors has been repeated.
My parents never spanked or hit us, and I never spanked/hit my kids. I honestly do not feel I could have spanked my kids. Even thinking about doing it makes me feel bad. They grew up to be great people.
I was spanked as a child. Not regularly and never severely. I learned to equate a potch on my tuchus with really bad behavior on my part. To get out of getting spanked, I modified my behavior. It seemed to work.