Not sure why I was thinking about this today, but there have been times when I’ve cut ties with people because I’ve felt that the relationship was untenable. Usually this was the result of some deception or betrayal that I felt undermined the very nature of any kind of amicable relationship.
In some cases, months and maybe years later, the person would attempt to reconcile and my response would always be the same - to not respond in any way and hope they would understand what that meant.
So I guess technically in each case it would be said that I was holding a grudge. And subjectively, I did still have mostly disdain for the people involved - some less than others. However in no case did I have any real desire to associate with the person again. Any positive feelings I had would be outweighed by the additional overhead required to avoid whatever type of situation caused the first falling out. And in every case I felt that it simply wasn’t worth it.
Since this is really a matter of personal opinion, I probably won’t participate much in the thread, but I’m interested in hearing others’ opinions.
It sounds like you’ve developed a sane, logical system for keeping people you dislike out of your life. That’s a good thing. What I can’t figure is why you care what anyone else calls it. Plenty of people might say you’re holding a grudge.* I would call it “severing” (as in ties), and I personally think it’s a fantastic idea to sever with people you dislike or break up with–if you can manage it.
Anyway, don’t sweat the nomenclature so much. Life’s too short to devote time and mental energy to people who continually piss you off. There are so many positive people in the world you can surround yourself with instead. You don’t owe mercy or apologies to any dickholes from your past, and that’s even IF they’ve changed (more likely they haven’t and are just trying to make themselves feel better).
*those same people might also be getting taken advantage of, in the same ways, by the same people, over and over again
I wouldn’t call it holding a grudge if you just don’t like someone or want to cut all ties with them. To me , “holding a grudge” means either that you would like to continue to have a relationship, but just can’t forgive the offense or that you continue to be angry about the offense to the point where your anger impacts on your own happiness or your relationships with others. ( My mother stopped speaking to one of her uncles around the time I was born. Almost thirty years later, she threatened to skip my grandfather’s 75th birthday party if his brother was invited - that’s a grudge)
I have some family that after they did some pretty horrible stuff to me, I don’t really want to have real relationships with them any more. I’m not even that angry any more, but I can’t trust them and don’t like them.
This does not go over very well with the rest of my family, telling me often to get over it, and other tripe like that. I’ve calmly and patiently explained myself, but I’m starting to realize that they’re just not intellectually or emotionally mature enough to grasp the concept.
I have a very specific trigger for an issue and one family member did it on purpose, like after I pointed out “don’t do this to me.” So when I explain to other family members “How are we supposed to be friends again when the next time I piss her off, she’s going to do it again?”, all I get is a blank stare.
To me, a grudge is more withholding as punishment for them, but just walking away is protecting yourself.
It’s not holding a grudge if you don’t wish anything bad for them, but you just want them to live whatever life they live in a way that doesn’t impact yours.
Depends a bit on what you mean by ‘disdain’; it sounds like it could be a code word for anger to me. But a grudge implies something active, like you are doing something against them. Not sure if just not being friends with them counts.
Depends on the level of betrayal a bit and context.
Holding a grudge generally means the penalty is outweighing the offense, ie they think that your actions of cutting all ties off is more extreme than warranted, ie they could understand space being wanted to cool off, but not ‘that’s it’.
Which is where specifics come in. Eg are you Sheldon, or are they Hannibal Lecter.
I have a cousin whom I hung out with a fair bit, mostly because he lived nearby and was close to my age. I gradually learned that he was fundamentally dishonest and a catalyst for getting into trouble, which was pretty trivial until he screwed me over one time too many, in too big a way. So, several years back, when he needed help getting home from a concert (I think he got stoned and lost his shoes or something), I was “unable to help”, because I did not want to deal with his crap face to face. And when he wanted to show up for my father’s wake, I chose not to facilitate his attendance, which meant he was not there.
I do not “dislike” him as such, I just cannot trust him, I cannot believe anything he says (he lies for sport, for no good reason) and I just plain think he is a sleazebag, so not having contact with him is just for my own mental health and emotional stability.
There are definitely some people who are “toxic” and even if avoiding them amounts to pay back to some extent, just by default, I personally don’t see a problem with that and I think most people will understand. Sometimes limited exposure just isn’t an option.
I’ve been in a couple of situations like that and the outcome was determined by whether or not the other person was willing to adapt to a different type of relationship. If they were ok with limited contact for limited purposes, then things tended to go pretty smoothly. There was always the temptation to think that maybe it was unnecessarily restrictive, but in that one case I just had to remind myself of the fairly long history of failures.
I don’t think it does and I think you’re missing the point of the OP. A specific event may be the catalyst that ends a relationship, but a refusal to renew the relationship is not a de facto grudge. It can be. The event can also be a tipping point or a revelation that leads to a reconsideration of the quality of the relationship on a whole. If it’s not an emotional decision based on an event but a rational decision based on an evaluation of everything before and including that event, I say no. It’s not a grudge.
If you get angry whenever you think about that person, it’s probably a grudge. If you don’t much give a shit and don’t miss that person, it probably isn’t.