Another issue could be the timing. My kid (14 months) is at his very crankiest around 8 p.m. He tends to start getting irritable around dinnertime (about 6 - 6:30 p.m.) and it’s just downhill from there until he’s unconscious. Until just three weeks ago, I was the only one he would permit to put him to sleep. Even with his dad, on the rare occasions I wasn’t home to put him to sleep, he would scream for hours if he tried to put him down. And when I say hours, I mean from the time my son realized his dad was trying to put him to sleep, often until I got home, sometimes 2-3 hours later. I’ve only gone out at night about four times this whole year period because it just wasn’t worth it and it was incredibly hard on my husband.
Having a sitter put him to sleep was just completely out of the question. And when he doesn’t go to sleep on time, he wakes up every hour or two, making the rest of the night absolutely miserable for all three of us. That carries over to the next day because he’s cranky from waking up so many times in the middle of the night and my husband and I feel awful from being awakened every hour or so. So that was definitely a consideration whenever I would receive invitations to do things in the evenings.
I couldn’t believe the unmitigated bliss I experienced when three weeks ago out of pure frustration, I handed my husband our child and said, “Here, see if you can put him to sleep. He’s teething and not responding to me. He might need a change of scenery.” And sure enough, my husband was able to put him to sleep. It was absolutely wonderful. But a very, very long time in coming.
You must be! I made $7/hr in Brooklyn, circa 1986. More for two kids, more for New Years Eve or other major holiday, and I would only babysit school-aged children (5+). This was at least twice minimum wage at the time, and I had all the work I wanted.
I’ve been thinking about this same issue for my as-yet-far-into-the-future wedding, as I have quite a few friends with kids, but have no interest in anyone without “restaurant behavior” firmly in place attending. I’ve considered providing onsite kid-watching… I’d easily pay a team of sitters $50-$75 each, and provide movies, crafts, and other entertainment at my own expense. The trick is finding someone will to do it, with enough maturity to manage 4-5 kids, even if their parents are nearby.
Do you have some cousins or other relatives who are young enough to not really want to hang out with the adults but responsible enough to handle the younger set?
I did this a lot when I was younger at family gatherings. I’m the oldest cousin, so I was usually the one set to watch the younger ones while the parents went out or were in another part of the building (this was more when I was 11 and had just gotten my babysitting, they were near enough to hear if someone was hurt but it was my responsibility to watch the others and keep them occupied). It wasn’t until I got older that they actually paid me for it (before that it was understood that I would watch them, gratis).
I would’ve jumped at the chance when I was younger, especially if I knew I was going to be paid pretty well for it.
You could probably put an ad up at the local high school “child development” class. Get the teacher to recommend “the right kids” for the gig. It could possibly be worked into their final grade or something.
I didn’t believe it until I lived it. I have known parents that try to maintain most of their pre-parent lifestyle while they have young kids and that is something I don’t think is admirable or healthy. The whole thing comes and goes although I cannot imagine why people would have something like 5 or more kids.
Oh, sure, we go out all the time, but if you happened to catch the wrong night we might not be able to go. And if it was a REALLY important wedding, we’d go to greater lengths to arrange babysitting; when my best friend got married, our parents came to stay and take care of the Small Girl. But a wedding just for some ordinary-level friend, I’m not asking my parents to drive three hours for that, sorry.
Otherwise, we tend to schedule our evenings out for when we know we have babysitting, you see.
No, I have virtually no family*, there is literally no one in my family between the ages of 30 & 3, except my cousin Dan, who is sweet but VERY immature for his age (13). All my friends waited to have kids, I think the oldest of the friends-kids is 6.
Mom, dad, older brother, childless uncle, uncle with immature 13 yo son already mentioned, aunt and some cousins my age with toddlers in Hawaii, cousin my age (that I loathe) in Florida… that’s about it. I don’t get a flower girl.
Holy cow. I started babysitting in 1986 too, and not here in this city, but I usually made about $2-3/hour. One family that I knew had no money gave me $1/hour, but I was sorry I babysat them! (Worst. Kids. Ever, and an inconsiderate dad to boot.) But I had a lot of friends who babysat too–the supply of sitters was large.
In college I made $5 sitting my baby cousin, and $10 when I took his little friend as well. Now that was the life. But they were infants.
I needed a babysitter one day a week. I checked my neighborhood newsletter that lists those sorts of things. The ONE person that responded came over, she was 17 years old, and had a razor blade stashed in her mouth. NO THANK YOU.
I ended up finding a woman through a friend. I paid her $10 an hour. Which meant I had to make MORE than $10 an hour in order to make it feasible. It took me 6 months to change shifts to get rid of that stinkin’ Tuesday.
Since then, I’ve never found another babysitter. I have a friend that can take her occasionally, but I’ve only used her twice (once for a wedding).
When you have a small child that can not talk yet, it is incredibly frightening to leave them with someone else. Or as the rule goes: Until my child can say “She beat the hell out of me and fed me arsenic.” they aren’t ready for sitters.
I’d love to find someone reasonable that I could use for when I need a haircut, or to go have lunch. It really IS that hard, especially when you don’t have daycare normally. Once they get school age, you meet many other parents. Now? Not so much.
Yeah, that can make it tougher. It was just sort of expected of me (being the oldest daughter of the oldest daughter in a family of 9) that I’d keep my eyes out for the little cousins, same as with my Dad’s family though that was more extended than close. I sometimes forget not everyone has as many relatives floating around.
You might ask your friends who they have babysit for them, and ask them if they’d watch the children at a setup like you outlined. Or even ask at a local girl scout troup (as a group we’d do stuff like that to raise money for trips and such that might not be easily paid for otherwise…). And then I’m out of suggestions.
If a child is still breastfed, that adds another layer of difficulty as well. I couldn’t leave my first child for more than a few hours at a time for a long time.
Luckily we have lots of close friends and family in the area so we get to go out quite a bit, and most of our friends have young children too so often we just go have dinner parties at each other’s houses and put the kids to bed in another room. It is very nice to have a close circle that we can go out with, vacation with, etc. with all our kids too. The kids get to play together and we all get adult interaction, and we all cover for each other when we need a sitter too. If we had to pay for a sitter each time I doubt we would get to do as much. We pay for part time day care already and adding sitter fees on that seems like a lot to spend on childcare after a while.
If it was a wedding for a family member or close friend, I would find a way. For a friend I don’t keep in touch with a whole lot or a distant cousin or co-worker, I probably wouldn’t bother if I couldn’t come up with an easy solution. But I would just RSVP “declined with regrets” or whatever the invite says, I wouldn’t even bother to make an excuse unless pressed for one.
Do people who don’t get sitters all have a stay at home parent? Do people who have to put their pre-verbal age kids in day care have the same attitude towards getting a babysitter?
It varies, I think. Most of the families I know well have a mom at home (because I stay home, and hang out with them). Some of them never hire sitters, some do, a few leave their kids with obliging grandparents for days at a time while they travel. I stay home, and as I said, we try to go out once a week, but we always have the same sitter (or else my parents, if they’re willing to sub for her). My BIL and SIL (she stays home) practically never leave their child.
I don’t know so much about two-income families, but I imagine it varies quite as much. I’ve known a few couples who hired sitters so often I’ve wondered if they ever see their children (I mean, constant weekend trips sort of thing). Others would rather stay home with their kids than go out, because they don’t feel they get enough time together.
I always had a regular sitter for when I was at work, but wouldn’t necessarily use the same sitter for evenings out. I’d much rather pay someone to come to my house so my kid gets to stay home and have a fun time if I’m going out.
The sitter might sit as a day job, but want their own free time on nights/weekends and the guilt that this person already sees my child more waking hours than I do, and often my child was sick to death of being there to begin with and while I had to use the sitter for work I couldn’t bring myself to place him somewhere he wasn’t happy for an evening out.
I did have one girlfriend who was my regular sitter for nearly two years, she had a deal with all her friends and relatives that she only got paid if they got paid, i.e. if she was providing childcare for the parent to work it was a job, but if the kids wanted to spend time together on a sleepover or the parent needed a night out, it was friends doing one another a favor and unpaid.
Aunt - the razor girl story freaked me out! I have been lucky to have a girl from the local special art school for gifted HS kids. When I got home not only were the kids happy but we had cool art she had drawn for the kids to color!
I have some contacts in Tampa that I have worked with for about five years (know them well enough to hug when I see them or have drinks but don’t speak on a daily basis except for one). I would be happy to check into who they used or know in the area. All their kids are out of HS age but one’s wife is a HS teacher so you never know. Email me if you want.
Actually, I think the fact that I have my kids in daycare makes me less likely to get babysitters on the weekends or at night. I feel as though the time we have together as a family is of primary importance when we are not at work. On the other hand, I just spent 3 months home on maternity leave, and after spending the whole day with the kids, I was much more eager to get someone to watch them so I could get away for a bit.
Our daycare is more than outstanding and is structured more like a small school with overlaps in teachers and cross-checks. I trust them as much as I trust myself and probably moreso on a hectic day. Some of the teachers offered to babysit and there are no worries there because they are the same ones that take care of them during the day. We have taken them up on it a few times but not that much. It is still hard to arrange and the whole affair can be enough of a pain that it really isn’t worth it except for special occasions. We tend to take turns keeping the kids while the other takes care of work or (rarely) pure pleasure.
Well, when does the wedding start? I am assuming 6. If they are coming from an hour away, they will have to leave by 4 (because you don’t cut it that close if you might be late for a wedding) and it will be another hour after they leave before they get home, so that’s 10:30 at the earliest. So that’s at least six hours.
My kids were always in daycare. But we seldom hired sitters. In part it was because we wanted to spend time with them and had plenty of time away from them. In part it was because our daycare provided us with sitting - including the wonder of “Kids Night Out” - just not on our schedule - so we just made plans when daycare had the kids until 10:00 - or alternatively when my mother could watch them. In part it was because we had few neighborhood teenagers or appropriately aged convenient cousins to sit - we live in a young neighborhood - my kids are the youngest, but the oldest are only a few years older. After paying $1600 a month in daycare, I wasn’t too eager to shell out $50 for an evening out, either.
