Am I a Matron of Honor-zilla?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Backstory: My best friend is getting married, and she’s asked me to be the matron of honor. They are getting married sometime in early summer 2012 (they can’t reserve the reception site until Jan 1, 2012). We are originally from the same area, where I still live. She lives and will be married in a city 1000 miles away. I am a single parent of a 9 year old child. I have just finished college, and am looking for a job right now, so money is tight.

The main questions I have are regarding what she is calling the “wedding two weeks.” Meaning, I should be in her city for a total of two weeks, leading up to and through the wedding to help her. She also has plans for a bachelorette party (fairly tame - she wants to play a drinking game to bridal tv with some girlfriends).

My question is: what about my daughter? Bride wants her to do a reading in the wedding, so Kid needs to be in the city for the wedding. If this is the case, I will have a kid with me for those two weeks. Kid is for the most part very well-behaved. She’s naturally quiet, shy, and polite, so sometimes people forget she’s a child, and some have even forgotten she exists.

Am I heading into “Zilla” territory because I don’t necessarily think being out there for two weeks would be a good idea? As quiet as she is, Kid is a child, and there will be times where she will act up, especially if all she’s going to be doing is “wedding stuff.” As for the bachelorette party - I have no issues planning and paying, but I won’t be able to attend, because I have to take care of my child. Not attending that as MOH is unheard-of from where we’re from, and I’m afraid to bring it up.

I think that Bride is so focused on her wedding (and that’s okay), that she isn’t thinking about Kid Logistics when she’s planning the wedding two weeks. I need some perspective. Usually, I’d ask Bride, but obviously, she’s one of the people I’m considering. My therapist says that I should do what’s right for me, which is not even attending the wedding (eliminating the drama - part of this ties into outside issues I have), but doing that would cost me my best friend.

What do you think? I know I’m being selfish somewhere here, I just can’t see it. Please tell me.

2

I don’t think you’re being selfish just logical. Honestly the idea of giving up 2 weeks of my life (and if it’s your first job that might be your entire annual vacation) for someone else’s wedding is crazy.

Having Thekid there for 2 weeks seems boring for her and crazy making for you. Since it’s not til Summer 2012 I would just make the “when the schedule is finalized I’ll need to work out some plans for Thekid” kind of statement and not worry too much about it til at least January.

3

2 weeks is crazy-pants. You can be there for 3 or 4 days up to the wedding, but no way do you need to dance attendance on your friend for 2 weeks. But don’t get into it with her until the date is set IMO.

Can’t you hire a babysitter for the night of the bachlorette?

4

2 weeks? The only person I give up two weeks for is my own SO, not someone else.

5

IME the wedding party usually arrives Weds or Thursday before the wedding, and if they have to get there the night before (or day of) due to work schedules then people deal. Personally I can’t imagine asking anyone to come 2 weeks early for my wedding, except maybe my mom who is retired.

That said, I think this is one of those times where getting SDMB to agree with you isn’t necessarily going to help things with your friends. Just from what you said, it sounds like you need to decide now how much you are willing to do for this wedding, and tell your friend now so she knows what to expect. If you tell her now that you’ll come for 1 week or 3 days then most likely she’ll get over by next summer, she won’t spend 6 months assuming she has you as a PA for 2 weeks.

Good luck.

6

It sounds more like we are into bridezilla territory than MOH-zilla territory. I mean, two freaking weeks?! Give me a break!

Can’t you back out of the MOH duties and still attend the wedding? At seems like a real friend would understand that you can’t make that kind of commitment and at 12 months out there is still plenty of time for her to make other arrangements.

7

Expecting you to dedicate two weeks to wedding stuff is unreasonable. Expecting you to attend the Bachlorette Party is reasonable (although yes, childcare will be an issue–it may be tame, but it doesn’t sound kid-friendly).

I think you should think about how much time you anticipate being willing and able to dedicate to your friend the Bride, and let her know sooner rather than later.

8

I was going to comment, but I’ll just agree with what sugar and spice said. You’re not out of line, but I think it’s best to prick your friend’s ballooning expectations as soon as possible.

Maybe the bride’s parents or some other responsible relative could babysit for you during the bachelorette party.

9

Weddings are completely out of control. I wouldn’t even consider spending two weeks away for a wedding no matter whose it was. The bride is the one out of line here, not you.

10

Two. Fucking. Weeks.

Two.

Fucking.

Weeks.

Two. Fucking. WEEKS?!?

** head explodes **

Kika, this whole “dedicating two weeks to a *someone else’s *wedding” is unheard-of where I’m from.

11

2 weeks is nuts. It can be really helpful if a bridesmaid can come 1 or 2 days before the wedding, but 2 weeks is over the line by a large margin.

I also agree that you should tell her right away about the logisitcal problems. Be factual. Don’t make accusations of insanity no matter how tempting it is. Just state “I can’t do that, [this] is what I can do, do you still want me to be MOH, if not, no hard feelings.”

12

Arrive Wednesday, wedding is Saturday or Sunday.

The only time you would spend that much time doing wedding shit is if you live in the same area.

13

You have every expectation and hope of having a new job by then, and the possibility of your being able to get a two-week vacation at the time the bride demands that you be there is ludicrous. When you land your new job, saying “I have committed to four days for a wedding at the end of July” is reasonable, but her expecting you to tell your new boss you want two weeks right off the bat, when you will have the lowest seniority and your new colleagues probably already will have claimed that time, just is a gross imposition and presumption on her part.

14

Use your words. Just say no, to two weeks.

I mean, it just shouldn’t be that hard, “I’m just out of college, looking for a job, will be new on any job, have a nine year old to wrangle as well, two weeks is just not doable for me, I’m so sorry!” If she needs a MOH that’s in town, you’ll totally understand if she names someone else.

Tell her you’re willing to plan, from afar, the girls night in/out, but can only attend if it’s 3-4 days before the event, when you’ll be in town.

Just say no, seriously. She’s not an idiot, she knows you have a nine year old, live 1000 miles away and will be starting a new job. If she wants a handmaiden she should pick someone in town.

15

Forget the unreasonableness of her request. Just tell her you’re sorry but can’t make the commitment, because you really can’t. You’ll probably have a job by next summer, and you don’t know how much vacation time you’ll have or when you’ll be allowed to take it.

It would be unfair to her to say you’ll do it when you don’t know for sure if you can. Heck, you don’t even know for sure if you’ll be able to give her three or four days.

16

I understand that you want to be helpful to your friend, but like everyone else here, I really think she is out of line in her expectations. If she’s expecting you to take two weeks off to attend to her needs leading up to her wedding, I suspect that she’s pretty high maintenance. Frankly, I’ll bet your friendship will be strained to the breaking point even if you decide to go along with her plan. If she is entitled enough to think that this is a reasonable request, is she really going to be satisfied with anything you’re going to do to help her out?

Are you intending to take your daughter out of school for two weeks if the wedding is during the school year? You need to think about your daughter’s best interests, which do not include compromising her schooling and spending money you don’t have on a frivolous expense just to avoid conflict with your friend.

If money is tight, you’re looking at the cost of travel, a dress, shoes, and whatever else your friend thinks is necessary (which I’m betting will include professional hair and makeup, and she’s probably not going to make your budget her primary concern in her selections). I would seriously suggest that you decline the MOH duty and attend the wedding as a guest. If she’s a true friend, she will understand. Explain to her that due to distance and finances, you just can’t do it, but maybe offer to come out a few days prior to help her out with last minute odds and ends and offer moral support.

Good luck. Weddings bring out the crazy in people.

17

Considering that most jobs give 2 weeks of vacation a year, her request is entirely unreasonable. If you can’t commit to 3-4 days before the wedding along with a separate trip for a bachelorette party (or want to do a mid-week bachelorette party the week leading up to the wedding), then request that you be downgraded to just a bridesmaid, or out of the wedding party altogether. Like Hedda said - 2 weeks is crazy pants.

18

yeah… what purplehorseshoe said.

this proposition is laughably outrageous.

for me, the particularly vexing part is… her bachelorette party is sitting around a TV and sipping mediocre champagne? then why can’t it be 2-3 nights before the wedding night? it’s not like you’re pulling a hangover and driving to vegas for 36 hrs of debauchery. it’d be more convenient for all parties involved. a bachelorette party to sit around and watch bride TV costing a $x00 plane ticket on top of a 2 week plan extravaganza? are you paris hilton’s new bff?

19

The sheer gall of the request keeps making me come back to see if the OP is back yet. Two weeks?! She wants you to give up two weeks out of your year and probably spend a boatload of money too. BRIDEZILLA. The fact that she would even consider asking floors me.

But, as others have said, I would not cast any aspersions on her judgement. I would just say, gently and kindly, in a phone call if possible and not e-mail, that you simply can’t do two weeks and are willing to step down from the MOH position if she wants you to.

20

That’s been my experience too. My wife and I got married on a Saturday. Her MOH, who’s been her best friend since high school, got there on Wednesday; the other attendants arrived on Thursday. It was great to have everyone there for a couple of days, but if they’d barely made it in time for the rehearsal on Friday evening, we’d have thought nothing of it. But TWO WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS?! No freakin’ way. Hell, even WE didn’t have that much time available to spend with our attendants.

Bingo. The OP should say, “Here’s what I can commit to. I’d still very much like to be your MOH, but if this means you’d rather have someone else, it’s your wedding, and I’ll still do whatever I can to help you pull it together during the time I can be there.” Then the bride-to-be can decide what she wants.