With Friends Like These.... (l-o-o-n-g and catty)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve been having one heck of an interesting week, and I thought I’d post and share…

When I told my best friend that I was engaged, she screamed “Woohoo!! I’m going to be a bridesmaid!!!”. Note that I said I told my friend that I was engaged… I actually wasn’t thinking in terms of bridesmaids at that point in time. However, I figured that when it came down to it, she would probably have been the person I would have asked, and I let it go at that.

Some time down the track, my best friend starts dating a man she first met a couple of years prior, but has only seen as a friend intermittantly in the meantime. She says to me “Well, you’re 23 and you’re old enough to be engaged. I’m only three years years younger so I figure I’m old enough to get married too. How much difference does three years make?”. Odd conversation. For me, marriage was more about finding Mr. Right than being the right age, but there you go.

Two and a half months into her relationship , she calls me up to announce her engagement. I have inner reservations, but who am I to rain on her parade? I celebrate with her, because she is my friend, and she is happy.

Then, she announces her wedding date. Less than one month before the tentative date I’d set for my own wedding. And she said that I HAD to be her bridesmaid, and wouldn’t it be cool that I would be her bridesmaid, and she would be my matron of honour! Actually, this freaked me out. Did she honestly mean that, on top of the stress and planning and expense of my own wedding, that I would have to help with hers at the same time - and vice versa!?? I pushed my tentative date back one month to try and reduce the rush.

Then, this week, I get an email telling me that a date has been set to go and look at bridesmaids dresses. She says that the date set is the 7th, that this is the only date both the other bridesmaids are free, and that she’ll come and pick me up. Oh, and could I confirm that this date is ok with me? Well, as it turns out, it’s not ok with me. I have something else on, and won’t be able to make it that date. I reply and tell her that I have another commitment, but I’ll see what I can do, that my other engagement is an evening thing so it may work out ok. However, I’m buying time, because I know there is no way I can do both - I have an illness that limits my ability to get around, and if I went shopping with the girls in the morning, I’d wind up too worn out to go to the evening committment. Normally, I may have considered cancelling the evening date, but it’s with a friend who lives OS and is only visiting home for a couple of weeks.

She replies with the following:

Now, this really got my back up. I can’t make it on one shopping trip, and she wants to know if I’m serious about being her bridesmaid? I reply with a terse:

“I’ve already committed to something else for that date, so I can’t go. Sorry.”

The next morning, I open my inbox to the following classic of modern literature:

I was speechless. This was so unfair!! All I’ve done is say I can’t make it on a shopping trip, and she’s acting like I’m hellbent on destroying her wedding. Additionally, it is followed by another email that says

Well, as far as I was concerned, I had done no wrong. Waiting until my temper cooled, I replied:

She answered, and said all she wanted was me to suggest an alternative date, and that was when I blew my top. Following all the stuff about this being the ONLY date when we could all get together, I found it a bit rich when she said she meant no insult, she just wanted me to suggest another date. I told her to forget it, that I didn’t want to be her bridesmaid, and that I didn’t want her to be mine.

So she rang. She was very quiet, subdued, apologetic, and determined to clear up the situation. She told me I’d taken everything wrong. When she said:

she MEANT was my health going to hold out? We had been talking about my health a few days before, and she was just following up on that conversation. I find that hard to believe. She didn’t mention my health anywhere in her email.
She also claimed that the paragraph:

wasn’t meant as the snide comment I took it for, but was a genuine enquiry as to when I would be free to make a shopping date with them. The use of the words “accomodate around you for a simple bridesmaid fitting” weren’t meant to be taken the way I took them, apparently. However, she had no explanation for:

I asked what I’d done to deserve the accusation that I was saying no to everything I was asked to do, and how I’d not shown any interest, and she said she didn’t know what she was thinking when she wrote that, that she didn’t mean it and in fact didn’t remember writing it. Sure.

I’ve made up with her, told her sure, we’ll still be friends, but I’m not being your bridesmaid, and in fact, I’m cancelling my own wedding (12 month postponement). She’s sticking to her guns, that I misread her mail, but I think she was serious when she wrote it, and has suddenly realised how far out of line she was. This is the second time we’ve had a misunderstanding because of the way she’s worded comments in email/chat. I thought the first time that she meant it when she wrote it, but backpedalled when she saw how I reacted, and I think that is what has happened again.

She’s done a lot of other things lately that have ranged from annoying to infuriating, and I find myself wanting to keep a distance from her. Unfortunately, she rings me up to 4 times a day (from work!), and it’s not uncommon for me to spend 2 hours a day on the phone to her. When I’m not on the phone, she’s emailing me, and if I don’t answer, I will find a series of emails that say “Are you there?” “Are you ok?” “Are you mad at me for something?”, etc. It’s like she thinks I spend my whole life online waiting for her to email me. When she was talking to me about this prior engagement I have on the seventh, she actually presented the fact that I hadn’t told her I’d made plans for that date as a reason why it was my fault. If she’d told me to expect a fitting date soon, I may have called and said I was going somewhere on the seventh, but as I knew nothing about it until she had set it up with the other girls, and emailed me as an afterthought, I didn’t tell her I was busy that day. I don’t tell her every single thing I do. I don’t expect her to tell me every last detail of her social life. We don’t even live in the same town, let alone each other’s back pockets.

Thanks for letting me vent. I’m still mad, more so because I gave up smoking this week, and had to fight this war without sweet, sweet tobacco to get me through. I just wanted to ask you guys - Am I being a bitch? Or do I have every right to be upset by her emails? I haven’t exactly been objective or clear-minded this week :slight_smile:

2

In a word…no.

Oh hi Cazzle by the way

3

Well…I think you need to put it into context. Weddings are a special time in a woman’s life and emotions can run high. You make it sound like your friend is challenged (or otherwise spurred to action) by your decision to get married and that by running close at the heels of your wedding was (whether intended or not) sapping the limited energy you had to attend to your own nuptials.

Considering that you friend sounds a bit self centered with respect to personal interactions added to the real world fact that being a bride effectively increases (understandably so) the “I am the center of the universe” attitude by an order of magnitude for many women during that time, your weddings were simply too close in time to allow you to effectively and comfortably participate in each others weddings.

The phenomenon of “you have one so I want one too” is as old as humanity and weddings among close friends often cluster like this and friendships are often damaged if the whirling tornados of wedding plans get too close to each other in time. Your friend is who she is and there must be something you are getting out of the relationship for you to encourage it with these marathon talk and email sessions that you willingly participate in despite your protestations.

So yes you were being a bit “sensitive” (let’s not use the b-word) and she was being a bit thoughtless. You sound a little bit like you need to have a high degree of control of what is going on around you and she is more spontaneous. I think the main thing you need “clarity” on is what your role is in this elaborate tango you maintain with her and deciding if you want to stop the dance. It’s entirely up to you.

4

I’m going to have to completely disagree with astro.

She’s playing head games. Scheduling her wedding one month before yours is not spontaneous and not just rude, it’s classic one-upsmanship. Her statements of “You just misunderstood me” might have been believed without the other shit, but with the other accusations, she’s just trying to weasel out of responsibility for her actions.

Frankly, it’s a good thing you have it in black and white.

Finally, all these phone calls aren’t because she wants to maintain the friendship, it’s because she wants to prove she didn’t do anything wrong, and if you continue to talk to her, she must not have done anything wrong, right? :rolleyes:

And I disagree with astro that you are willingly participating in these conversations. We are generally taught certain rules of politeness, and people like this know how to leverage those rules - e.g. most people are taught not to interrupt or hang up while someone is talking, so your friend can keep you on the line just by talking without shutting up. The only way to stop the conversations is to be rude or cold, which is hard to do to people you hate, much less someone you consider a friend.

This person is not a friend, she is a user. You can maintain the relationship, but realize that she will not give you anything unless she is going to get something out of it.

Believe me, I know what I am talking about. My ex used to play these games on me and on his friends all the time. But he also liked to psycho-babble, so I could sometimes get him to admit what he was doing down the line. But it wasn’t until I was completely out of the relationship that I could see exactly what was going on.

5

cazzle

Count me as one more agreeing with you, and not thinking you’re being a bitch in any way shape or form. Zyada’s got the right answer as to what your friend is doing, and likely why she’s doing it. Your friend has obviously got some pretty big insecurity issues, and you’re allowing yourself to bear the brunt of them.

How many other people’s lives does she dominate and manipulate this way?

I hope you’d doing ok, postponing your own wedding is never fun, no matter how far in advance you’re planning.

-Doug

6

I forgot something (I always do)

This is the only thing in this whole mess I think you did wrong. IMO, you should have replied that the date would not work and given an alternate date. Or, if you really could have worked something out, you should have made the arrangements first and given a firm reply whether you were available or not (with alternate date)

In a normal transaction, this is the polite way of handling things - you are giving the other person good information that they can work with.

In this transaction, your response just screamed “VICTIM” telling her that you were susceptible to the games she plays.

7

http://www.etiquettehell.com

And add my name to the list of posters who don’t think you’re a bitch. I have to agree - scheduling a wedding a month before yours is not a coincidence.

[long shot]

You said that she had only been with this guy for two and a half months (after you told her about the engagement), and that at 20, she was eager to get married. Is it possible that the entire thing is an envious reaction to your own wedding? Forgive me if I’m wrong, but from the tone of your OP, I thought that you might be considering this possibility.

[/long shot]

At any rate, good luck with all the preparations for your wedding!

8

Kayeby - I wouldn’t even consider that a long shot. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that the other wedding gets called off, “because they just don’t get along like they used to” or something like that.

9

Cazzle:

I work as a bridal consultant/wedding coordinator. So my advice (if you want it) comes from my professional stand point.

While not making any judgements as to why she decided to get married very shortly after your engagement was announced, the scheduling of her wedding for the month before your planned date was in very bad form. Her insistance that you be her maid/matron of honor-head bridesmaid was also terribly inconsiderate. One should be ASKED to assume that responsibility and always be given the option to take a role in the wedding that is more suited to their ability to give of time and energy.

With your own up coming wedding you, if you are her best friend and she wants to give you the honor of the position, should be offered the role but also it should be made known to you that if you have to decline the position for any reason that she can use you in another capicity (eg. bridesmaid, greeter, guest book attendant). She should allow you to choose what role would be best suited for the amount of time you are going to be able to put toward her wedding.

It is almost invariable that a bride-to-be will become obsessed to some degree with her wedding. But it is also her responsibility to make the people who are involved feel like their participation is voluntary and appreciated. To demand more from a person than they are able to give will almost always end up in hurt feelings and strained relationships.

In regards to her e-mail, her words do not seem to imply that there is another day that would be convienent. Essentially putting to you that if you cannot make it on the day and time proposed it would inconvience her and the other bridesmaids. This was inconceivably rude. If you are in the position of her honor attendant you are right in assuming that dates and times for shopping, fittings and such should be made with you being the first consulted.

If the friendship is important to you then I suggest you talk to her about what she expects of you. Then kindly tell her what is realistic for you to do considering your situation. If at the end of the conversation you and she feel you can reach an agreement about what duties you can comfortably undertake as her head attendant then go ahead and continue in the position.

If you feel that someone else may be better able to do what she expects of her head attendant respectfully suggest that she promote one of her other attendants to your position. Maybe even help her determine which one would seem to have the time to fulfill her needs (someone, who preferably, does not have a demanding job or family obligations). You and she can discuss which role would allow you to stay involved in her wedding but still take into consideration your limitations.

If you feel that maybe this is no longer a relationship that is healthy for you or her, then I would let her know you will not be able to participate in her wedding as soon as possible. If this is something you feel you cannot do in person or over the phone then send her a letter explaining your situation.

I hope this information is helpful to you in deciding which course of action is the best to take for everyone involved.

Congratulations to you and best wishes!

10

You guys are wonderful. Thanks so much for taking the time to give me your slant on the situation. It helps to have an outside opinion.

Yes, the saga continues. Tonight her fiance rang me, apparently without her knowledge. He begged me to reconsider throwing in the towel as bridesmaid, as he says she is distraught over it. He said she spent the entire weekend crying, and that she is talking about cancelling the wedding. He says that she says she doesn’t want to get married if I won’t be her bridesmaid. It’s not good enough for me to be there, I have to be part of the ceremony. He said her lifelong dream was to get married and have her Gran there, but since her Gran died a year and a half ago, that part can’t come true. Her other dream was that I’d be bridesmaid, and if I can’t make that, she doesn’t see the point in getting married.

Take that as you will.

Despite the talk of dead grandmothers and my shattering her lifelong dreams, I held out on him (and felt like a total rotter in the process). I said I was still too emotional about everything to make any kind of informed decision, and that I wanted two weeks of peace before discussing the situation again. He wasn’t really happy about that, but he’s a nice guy, and in the end he let me go. It felt cold and hard to say that, but I don’t think I should allow myself to be pressured into this - I should do it because it’s right. I told him I didn’t want to risk our years of friendship on a wedding. He said that was fair enough, but would I please reconsider. I said I would in two weeks.

Now, doesn’t this kind of negate her assertion that she only wanted me to confirm I was prepared to be her bridesmaid because she was concerned about my health? When I told her I was bowing out, one reason I gave was that I couldn’t be sure I was up to it physically, and I didn’t want to risk getting sick. Now she says if I don’t take my place as bridesmaid, she won’t get married. This might just be me, but I thought people married as an affirmation that they want to spend their lives with the person they love with their whole hearts, and not because they want their best friend to be bridesmaid (whether she’s willing or not). Call me a romantic, but that’s just how I view the whole thing.

Sleepless, I am in awe of you. Weddings are so mind-bogglingly complex, yet so hideously boring to arrange that the longer I have between my wedding and I, the happier I am. Sadly, the longer I have between my marriage and I, the sadder I am :slight_smile:

Zyada, I agree that I shouldn’t have tried to let her down easy on the double-booking, however, I am familiar with her temper. I use Dad’s “The Cat Is On The Roof” method to break bad news to her. Day 1, I say there’s a problem, but I’ll see what I can do about it. Day 2, I say that I’ve tried my best, but it’s not looking good. Day 3, I tell her, sorry, but it’s impossible. That way, she’s had a chance to prepare herself for a “No” - a word she isn’t too familiar with, and doesn’t cope well with.

Astro, thanks for giving me a balanced answer. Your post was very insightful, and it’s true that I’m not terribly spontaneous, but I wouldn’t say I like control. I didn’t mean that she had to check every date with me before arranging things with the other girls. I was trying to say that if she’d arranged something with the other girls and then found I was busy, she couldn’t hold me at fault since I wasn’t to know she was doing this, and she didn’t ask in advance. The way I would have approached it is to ask all three girls when they were free in the month of April so I could arrange a fitting. Then I would establish which date all three were free, and then I would contact them to check if the chosen date was ok with them. Negotiations would take place, and then it would be final. Simply, in my view. Also, if I had known she was going to be arranging a fitting in the next month, I would have let her know I wasn’t free for the seventh, and I would hold the other weekends until I heard from her. My objection is that I wasn’t even told this was going to be happening until after she’d consulted with everyone else, and then when I said I couldn’t make it, I was told I was making things difficult for her, like it was a deliberate act to ruin her day.

Dave Plankton, Dublos and Kaybe - Hi and thanks for your support!!

  • thanks!
11

cazzle

Well, now that’s wrong, just plain wrong.

Now that’s sensible, and the way the rest of the sane people in the world view the process.

I think you should find reason to remain unable to be her bridesmaid. Not because she’s being pig headed, rude and a needy little girl, but because she’s pretty obviously not getting married for the right reasons, and if your not participating will prevent her from getting married, you’re doing her a bigger favor by not participating than you are by joining in.

While your description of events certainly is your side of things and there may be more to the whole situation, from your description your friend has a lot of growing up left to do, and that growth should be a lot further along before she commits to spending her life with someone.

-Doug

12

Doug
I do know that you are only getting my side of things, and from the little her fiance said on the phone, I’m aware that she thinks I’m completely at fault for this situation - I’m sure there are things both of us are to blame for. That said, I feel that I’m being manipulated. I think her reaction to my note saying I probably couldn’t make it was an attempt to force me to drop my other plans for her (basically, to me it reads “Come shopping with me because I say so, or you’re out of the wedding”. When she didn’t get the cave-in she expected from me, she escalated to accusing me of making this difficult for her, and other random insults. When I reacted with anger, she realised she’d gone too far, and tried to cover up her mistakes by dening everything, and sucking up. Now that I’m still not bowing to her demands, emotional blackmail is the order of the day.

I don’t believe I’ve mentioned this before, but this was the first time we would have been getting together for anything to do with the wedding. Sure, we’ve talked about the weddings a lot, discussed ideas (more on THAT later), and discussed styles, colours, etc, but we have never before assembled together to shop for dresses or anything else. Yet another reason why I was so freaked out - if she was like this on our first get-together, what was she going to be like further in?

Ok, the other thing that’s driving me crazy… it’s to do with the ideas we have discussed. Months and months back, I pointed out a song to her, a nice love song. It has some significance to me, as it is associated with the day I got engaged. I told her that I wanted that song to play at my wedding, that I would have it playing in the background as I walked down the aisle, and softly during the ceremony. She gives me a scornful look, and tells me it’s a stupd idea. She said to reserve the song for the reception, but not to play it during the wedding. Whatever.
Two weeks ago, she pipes up, and tells me that she’s decided to play THAT SONG during her wedding ceremony. She says she loves it, and wants it to play as she walks down the aisle, and as she says her vows. I guess I looked crestfallen at this point, because she asked what was wrong. I told her I’d been planning on having that song for my wedding, and she chirped brightly “Well, we can both have it!”.

Now, it may be selfish of me to try and claim ownership of the song, but I feel that I thought of it first, and it should be mine! I feel that people attending both weddings will think I have copied her, rather than the other way around, and I resent the fact that she thought it was a stupid idea when I thought of it, but a brilliant plan when she “thought” of it. I feel this is yet another case of one-upmanship, and that I wouldn’t care so much if she hadn’t booked her wedding right before mine. I feel that I’m turning into a bad tempered, back-stabbing, whinging, whining, grumpy, selfish cow… but only when I’m around her. I feel I should be able to share plans with my Matron of Honour (herein MOH), and not worry about her stealing them for her own day. Heck, there really isn’t much else she could take that I’d be worried about, but that was OUR song. I guess I’ll have to think of something else, but I find it distressing. Even if she didn’t have the song, I’m finding that I associate it with her calm announcement that she’s taking it from me rather than my engagement. I hope this feeling passes.
Additionally, I had my other bridesmaid over today, and she was telling me all the reasons why she’s not talking to my former MOH. There’s a jealousy issue. Lately, my ex-MOH has been bagging the other bridesmaid to me a lot. I’ve paid no attention to it, because it coincides with the MOH deciding that the bridesmaid sees too much of me. Now, we see each other one weekend a month, but the MOH has it in her head that we’re together day and night. I hoped this would pass, but it seems it’s not to be, and the MOH has started spreading nasty stories. On top of lying to the bridesmaid about me, she’s lying to me about the bridesmaid. Really, you can’t call it lying, since everything is true, but she’s taking different things the bridesmaid has said, and is repeating them to me out of context. I had been communicating with the bridesmaid, and so both of us had a fair idea of what was happening in the other’s life, and we knew enough about each other to take the MOH with a grain of salt, but today was the first chance we’ve had to get together and compare stories. It seems that the MOH is determined to put the bridesmaid in her place - second best friend. Now, this is not good. This is really bad, considering that the MOH is now the EX-MOH, and the bridesmaid is therefore promoted to MOH. This is big trouble brewing.
I’m sorry, I’m feeling like the Straight Dope is my only friend, since all my IRL friends have a personal stake in this situation.

13

And wouldn’t you know it - I meant to put email notification on, and forgot!

14

cazzle

Everything you’ve said continues to leave me with my advice from my previous message.

If your declining to be a part of her wedding will prevent her from getting married, then by all means decline. Nothing you have said about your behavior has struck me as being out proportion to what’s been happening, and quite a bit of what you’ve described her as doing has been so far out of proportion that it is scary.

How does your fiance feel about all of this? I can’t recall your mentioning anything about his reactions to posponing your wedding, or his advice on dealing with your ex-MOH?

-Doug

15

That wedding song thing sounds pretty freaky. I have heard stories similar to this before somewhere but the source is escaping me at this time.

And from your OP:

That is also pretty freaky.

How important is this woman’s friendship to you? If your health is somewhat precarious anyway, the stress may be something you don’t need.

Congratulations and best wishes on your engagement. I hope everything goes well for you.

16

My man is a wonderful man. He’s also not terribly interested in a big wedding, and would rather we took ourselves to a registery office soon than have a large wedding later, but is happy to do whatever makes me happy. So he’s not worried about postponing the wedding (or bringing it forward for that matter), as long as I have the wedding I want to have.

He doesn’t like my ex-MOH at the best of times. He finds her rude, and when she’s around he tends to be neglected because she overshadows everyone and everything else. However, he is always polite to her, and in this instance he is trying to get the two of us to spend some time together because he says he doesn’t want to see us fall out over this. He is happy to advise me on things I’ve asked him, but at the same time I know he’s going to be on my side no matter what I’ve done. He’s just that kind of guy. So while I value his support, I find him hopelessly biased towards me, and that’s why I’m looking for external support on this one.

Spider Woman, my ex-MOH is an interesting person. She’s determined to be famous. She always has perfect hair and perfect clothes and perfect nails, and she likes to advise the rest of us on those matters. It can’t be denied that she has good taste in clothing. However, she is never wrong, and knows everything about everything, and likes to announce her opinions loud and clear. She prides herself on being brutally honest, and will often tell people exactly what she thinks of them. She remembers things she shouldn’t, like events that occurred years before I ever met her. An example is when I started to tell her a story about my mother, and she butted in to say she remembered when it happened, but it happened when she was 5 years old and living on the other side of the state, and therefore had never met us. She’s terrible with time, and will tell people we’ve been best friends for 8 years (I’ve known her 5), and that she’s lived in the city for 5 years (my count is 2, maybe 2 and a half tops). She tells people she and her fiance have been together 4 years, on the basis that she first met him 4 years ago (it’s actually 3 by my count), even though they’ve only been together less than 12 months now, and saw each other maybe 6 times in those 3 or 4 years. She’s prone to jealous fits, and every 12 months or so pushes me too far by attacking someone close to me (this time, it’s my bridesmaid, previously it’s been my mother, my SO, other friends, etc). I explode, I yell, I get like I am right now, and she backs down, and humbly apologises. I accept, and we make up. She’s the perfect friend for about 8 months, and then we slide again. My mother hates her, and says she’s evil. She can’t stand that, and is always nice to my mother to try and change her opinion. It doesn’t work. She still has a crush on her first boyfriend, even though he dumped her publicly 4 years ago, telling her in front of all his friends that she was too childish and immature for him, and that he couldn’t stand her. She dreams of encountering him in the street and acting aloof and sophisticated to show him how much she has grown up in the time they’ve been apart. Her fiance has suddenly entered the career path her ex is in, and I wonder if that is due to her influence. I know she discussed entering that field herself on and off after her first relationship broke down. She follows a religion that is not considered the norm (Wicca), and I wonder if it is for shock value alone, rather than a deep and sincere belief in it. Whenever one of her enemies has some bad luck, she more than hints that she cast a spell that caused the misforune.
Despite all this, she and I get along well. I am not without my quirks, and we have fun together. Granted, I cannot stand more than 2 days of her at a time, but that is because she is high maintainance and wants me to entertain her all the time. But when we’re together, we chat non-stop, we drink, we read, we sing, we dance, we have a great time. I get tired very quickly when I’m around her and other people, because I feel she tries to exclude them, like we’re a little club of our own. She will bring up situations that we’ve been in and the other people know nothing about, and then refuse to explain, or refer to an in-joke between the two of us, and laugh when they look confused. Recently, she told my brother’s gf that she couldn’t play a game with us because we hadn’t given her a nickname, so she wasn’t part of the group yet. I promptly nicknamed my brother’s gf, who is a nice girl, and who was being very good about trying to my friends with my friend.

This all just scrapes the surface. We have been through a lot together, but I have a long list of petty resentments that have built up because I have no effective way of expressing them. I say nothing, and eventually I reach breaking point, and it comes out. Then she gives me a hard time for not telling her these things as they happen, and refers to them constantly forevermore. So I resolve to do that in future, and let her know what’s bothering me and why, and she acts heartbroken, like I’ve no right to suggest that she might be wrong, and she’ll refer to it constantly when we’re together to make me feel guilty forevermore. I can’t win. I am one of those people who feel better if they talk about things rather than bottling them up, but I can’t talk to her about our problems, and I only make my poor SO angry if I speak to him about her, because he thinks she’s an idiot. So I come to you :slight_smile:

Yes, there have been times I’ve found her behaviour disturbing. I am used to her, and her little quirks, but sometimes she goes too far. I’ve noticed a pattern of slightly off behaviour for a while, that leads to one outragous act, and then I lose my cool and let fly, and she backs down, and becomes a normal person again. I don’t trust her for a while after one of these outbreaks, but eventually we settle back into the old rhythm again, and we seem to forget it ever happened until the next time. This is the circle of my life. And as luck would have it, I had another friend just the same who went out of my life as this friend came in. Therefore, I assume I am at least 75% of the problem. The other friend would do the crazed possessiveness thing too, to the point of accusing everyone else around me of trying to control my life, until the day she fell out with this current friend, and showed up at my house threatening to kill me. We haven’t spoken since then, although I hear she blames her actions on something this friend told her (though it makes no sense to me, no matter who supposedly said it).