Help settle and argument between me and The Husband.
A childhood friend of The Husband is marrying his long-term sweetheart this autumn. We’ll call them Couple A. We are good friends with them and the Husband has been asked to be a groomsman. Couple A’s wedding has been in the works for the last year with invites and all sent out.
Couple B is a college friend of mine marrying a guy she’s been dating for the last few months. College friend just asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. The Husband is friendly with College Friend, but neither of us has met her new guy.
Naturally, both weddings are set for the same day, around the same time (Couple B’s wedding about 2 hours before Couple A’s). The are being held relatively close together, about an hour’s drive apart.
The argument:
I feel that it shouldn’t be a big issue for me to bow out of attending Couple A’s wedding in order to be a bridesmaid at Couple B’s wedding. The husband can still be a groomsman at Couple A’s wedding and I can turn up later during the reception to pay respects. The husband feels it is the apex of insult to not turn up at a wedding that I have already RSVPed to for the sake of going to another wedding. It would be one thing to have to change plans for an emergency or some other reason, but not to attend another wedding. He feels I should decline being a bridesmaid for Couple B.
If you’ve already RSVP’d to the other wedding, you should attend. Plus, I don’t imagine your friend would be very impressed with her bridesmaid (i.e. you) ditching her wedding reception to attend a different wedding reception. Being a bridesmaid is kind of an all or nothing commitment for the day.
I’m not a bridesmaid for Couple A, the couple we already RSVPed for. The Husband is a groomsman for Couple A, but I would just be in the audience at that wedding.
Who’s more likely to take things personally, find insult where none is intended, and throw an enormous hissy-fit?
(Also, if you’re a Pullet, then I believe according to the conventions on this board, The Husband should rightfully be referred to as Rooster. C’mon, get it together! :))
The friend in Couple B is more likely to be hurt with me not being a bridesmaid than the folks in Couple A are likely to be annoyed that I’m not in the audience, particularly if the Husband (he refuses to be the Rooster) can still be a groomsman for Couple A.
I understand that. I know Couple B wants you to be a bridesmaid, and it seems that what you’re proposing is that you attend their ceremony as a bridesmaid and leave their reception early to attend the reception at Couple A’s wedding. If someone asks you to be their bridesmaid, it’s really a commitment for the entire day, not just for the wedding ceremony.
I think if that’s what you’re proposing, it’s rude to both couples. Pick one wedding or the other to go to - don’t go halfsies.
If you didn’t know the first couple well, I’d stick to the miss manners response (you can’t drop what you’ve already RSVP’d for).
But it sounds like you might take BrideA out to lunch and chat with her about how she’d feel about your missing her wedding.
After you’ve got feedback from her, check with Mr Pullet (no Rooster? Can we call him Fowler, after the rooster in charge from the movie Chicken Run?) and make sure he’s not objecting because he doesn’t want to go to CoupleA’s wedding alone.
Then make a decision. Or post again with updates.
For what it’s worth, I tend to agree with you, but I’m not exactly the most well-liked or socially adept person. It depends on how well you know each of the parties, whether Couple A will be understanding, and how close of a friend the lady from Couple B is.
I dunno, I think that your presence will be missed MUCH more by Couple B than it will be by Couple A. If your husband is a groomsman, he’ll be involved in weddingy stuff all day, and you’ll be sitting elsewhere (I assume he’ll be matched up for seating with a bridesmaid…?). The bride and groom may say hello to you for a minute or two, but that’s it. One less dinner to pay for out of what, 100 or more people? No offense, but I don’t think you’ll be missed much.
At Couple B’s wedding, you are a significant part of the ceremony and festivities, and your husband would be the one sitting without you (I assume you’d be matched up with a groomsman for most of the day…?). I think it’s an honor for you to be asked to be an attendant. I’d split up for the day, and then make a date after the honeymoon with Couple A to sit through their wedding video with a smile on your face. YMMV.
Well maybe I’m in the minority but I don’t see the problem with you bowing out with several months notice. If they requested RSVP’s in a more normal timeframe then you would have known about your friend’s wedding by then and you would have declined from the beginning. Unless there are some extenuating circumstances, but I can’t imagine what that would be if the wedding is in-town, if your presence were so important for some reason (ie, you were in the wedding) then they would have told you.
I would not leave B’s wedding early but if it happens to end in time for you to stop buy and pay your regards then do that.
College Friend from Couple B caught me on the phone just now and asked. I hadn’t spoken to her in several weeks and, last I heard, her wedding was still a maybe kind of thing tentatively planned for a different day. When she asked, my initial Proprietary Meter didn’t flag the scheduling conflict as irresolvable.
I was thinking it would work out like DivineComedienne proposes. Although, now that you mention it, we have a group of close friends who will be attending Couple A’s wedding and I’ll miss hanging out with them. As opposed to Couple B where I’ll really only mostly know the bride.
The Husband just let me know the following: The groom of Couple A is not only terribly excited to see the Husband and has been talking about all of us hanging out together for months, he has offered to put us up in their house. Out of all the many out-of-town people attending Couple A’s wedding, we’re the only ones staying with the couple.
Even I know that it would be incredibly rude for me not to attend Couple A’s wedding when I’m sleeping in their guest room.
I’ve got a call in with College Friend from Couple B to extend my regrets. I’ll offer to take her out for a pedicure or similar a few days before. Alas.
Besides, this is the bridesmaid dress which, while not awful, is totally not my style.
Your error was agreeing to be a bridesmaid in couple B’s wedding when you were already comitted to attending couple A’s wedding. You should have been upfront to Friend B that you and your husband already had prior committed plans, and if their wedding day changes to please let you know.
