I don't know whether to be offended or disappointed, to be honest.

In My Humble Opinion
1

My fiancee and I are getting married early next year, and we’re in the process of sending out invitations and so on. Most of the people we’ve invited have happily accepted, with a couple of sincere apologies from those who genuinely will not be able to make it.

Now, my Fiancee is having two bridesmaids, and has insisted that I must therefore have a Groomsman as well as a Best Man. Since my brother is the Best Man, it seemed only natural to ask my oldest friend- we went to High School together- to be the Groomsman.

His response? “Sorry, I can’t afford to come.”

True, he still lives in New Zealand. So do most of the rest of my family (they’re all coming, BTW). He has a good job and lives with his girlfriend (more on her later), so the edited highlights are that I just don’t believe him when he says he “Can’t afford it”- especially since return flights to Australia from NZ are cheap, and I gave him 10 month’s notice.

His girlfriend doesn’t like me or my fiancee at all, for reasons that are not entirely clear but appear to involve her being a control freak and not liking my friend hanging around people who might fill his head with Anti- PsychoGirlfriend Propaganda. His girlfriend also has the distinction of being the only person I know of that my fiancee doesn’t like, for reasons of generally being a psycho control freak who won’t let her boyfriend spend any time with with his friends (amongst other things).

The Edited For TV version of all this is that I’m positive- nay, convinced- that my friend’s declination to attend our wedding (in any capacity) has more to do with his girlfriend saying “Don’t you dare think you’re going! I forbid it!” than an actual inability to afford the flight over, or even a lack of interest in attending.

When I was last in NZ, he had to to sneak out of the house under the guise of going to tennis practice so we could duck off down the pub for an hour and have a couple of drinks. His girlfriend hasn’t gone quite so far as to forbid him from communicating with me, but it’s pretty obvious he’s well and truly under her thumb. I’d go into more detail, but that would drift closer to MPSIMS territory.

Anyway, I have to say I’m really not sure how to take his declining of the invitation. On one level, I’m quite hurt and offended- we’ve known each other for years, we stay in touch, send each other birthday/christmas presents etc, and have been mates for over 12 years now.

On the other hand, if he doesn’t want to come, I’m not going to force him (or guilt him into it). The invitation was extended to both of them, and I’d be happy to pay for his flight over if he can’t afford it. The thing is, he’d most likely be offended by the offer, and the reality is I’m pretty sure he’s just using the “Can’t afford it” line as a euphemism for “My girlfriend doesn’t want to/won’t let me go”.

Weddings are stressful enough as it is, and I’m not really entirely sure how I should deal with this particular situation. Any thoughts?

2

My best advice is to let it go. Don’t offer to pay for the trip and force him to admit his girlfriend is a bitch. He most likely already knows that, so forcing him to publicly admit it won’t do anything good for your friendship. If you are interested in keeping the friendship at its current level, do so. It is possible your friendship will outlast the relationship with the control freak.

3

You have to let him make his own choices, then you have to make yours. Your turn will come some time in the future, when he’s no longer with the bitch. You’ll have to decide if you really want to enjoy the company of such a loser.

That’s a very sad, but not uncommon story Martini.

Incidentally, your presentation included a hint that you may have some empathy for your friend: “…Now, my Fiancee is having two bridesmaids, and has insisted that I must therefore have a Groomsman as well as a Best Man.”

Good luck with that.

4

I used to have a friend with an equally controlling and crazy girlfriend. In fact, now that I think of it, I used to have a couple friends with girlfriends like this. Note I say “used to have.” I don’t think it’s possible to maintain a friendship in this situation. At least, I never figured out how. A few incidents like the one you describe happen, and even if you try to forget them, they keep coming up, and eventually you say “Fuck it, this friendship isn’t worth keeping up.”

5

Heh. That was my first thought when I read the OP :slight_smile:

Oh the irony! Your friend could well by composing a similar post, along the lines of "I’m positive- nay, convinced- that my friend’s request to attend his wedding has more to do with his girlfriend saying “You absolutely must have two attendants!! I insist!” than with an actual desire to have a Groomsman."

How about you grow some balls and tell your fiancee that you’re fine with just a Best Man?

Also, don’t rule out the fact that he may genuinely not be able to afford it. I have a “good job” but I’m not so flush with cash at the moment that I’d guarantee attending a wedding in another country (especially if I thought I’d have to pay out $$$ for outfits etc simply because the uber-controlling bride-to-be chucked a hissy fit and demanded her fiancee have two attendents).

6

I have a friend from high school in almost the same situation. His wife never like me for some reason. I don’t know why. Anyway I was in his wedding, after that I didn’t really see him much. The past few years I haven’t seen him at all except at a reunion.

When I went to get married I hoped he would show up, but I got the RSVP back saying no. I’m not even sure he ever even saw the invitation as it wasn’t his handwritting, and he didn’t remember anything about it. Can’t do much about it. :frowning:

7

Your friend’s response sounds like he was trying bow out delicately, without going into messy girlfriend-related details. I wouldn’t press him about it.

As for maintaining the friendship, you’re the only person who can determine whether or not it’s worth the agita.

And tell your fiancee that a wedding is still valid even if there isn’t Perfect Symmetry of Attendants! That seems awfully silly to me.

8

Ask your next oldest friend. If you don’t have one, start a “Be my groomsman” thread and see if you can get Cecil to show up.

Okay, so that was a bit of a joke. But IMHO, you really should move on. Regardless of whether your bud’s girlfriend is an influence or not, you’re probably not going to change his mind without creating something of a shitstorm. So give another of your friends the opportunity to be a part of your wedding party.

9

You might re-extend the invitation without the wedding party part, since being in a wedding party is much more expensive than just going to a wedding-- “I’d love to have you in the wedding party, but I understand finances are a bitch. You are, of course, still invited to the wedding and I hope that’s possible. If not, I completely understand. If your finacial situation changes between now and next June, let me know.”

10

I don’t know whether to be offended or disappointed, to be honest

I’d vote for C. Hurt.

11

As the years have gone by I’ve realized that the quiet partner in such relationships makes their own choices, too. And if that’s his choice then you have to deal with it.

I also agree with the people who say, after all, you are just adding another person because your fiance is telling you to. What’s the difference?

And it may not be too expensive for him but perhaps they have already allocated their finances elsewhere. Weddings just aren’t that interesting to most people, honestly.

12

Well, I don’t know about over there, but in the US being in someones wedding can become very expensive (even if the couple insists that they will be low-maintenance) And on top of that it can just be a pain in the ass. So maybe he just doesn’t want to be in your wedding? It doesn’t sound like you initially had any strong desire to have him at your side when you got married, so it doesn’t seem unexpected if he doesn’t have any desire either.

Tell him that if things pick up you hope that him and his girlfriend will both be able to attend as guests. Put the ball back in his court.

Oh preview, what Anaamika and Manda JO said.

13

You can’t like everyone and everyone can’t like you. You should just let it go. As another poster said, he may grow out of the girl and become a close friend again. And that’s cool. Either find another groomsman or have her drop a bridesmaid. It sounds like she prefers the traditional look up there at the altar, so methinks you’ll be better off to get your next-to-best-friend to do the deed.

14

There’s a wee bit of difference between inviting an extra groomsman and being denied the ability to go to your best friends wedding. One is a minor wedding detail requested by your soon to be wife. One which involves a minimal amount of inconvenience to you. The other is your control freak girlfriend refusing to let you associate with your friends.

AFAIK, being a groomsman entails renting a tuxedo for <$100 and showing up early to the wedding. You ladies may have to buy $400 dresses, and shoes, and purses, then spend money on your manicure, pedicure, hairstyling and makeup, but the guys don’t.

15

Martini, I’d be disappointed, too. Don’t mindfuck this, though. Take your friend at his word. He may have a good job, but he may also have a boat-load of debt, or be saving up for a house, or any number of things. He may not feel comfortable disclosing all the details of his financial situation, but please trust me that “good job” does not always equal “lots of disposable income.”

16

I agree. Whatever may be the real reason, there’s no up side to not taking your friend at his word. He says he can’t afford it, so that’s what you have to believe.

17

Bachelor party, day off work for the rehersal and rehersal dinner, and leaving your SO alone for a good part of the wedding day. For a girl at least, being “behind the scenes” in a wedding involves a fair amount of family drama, which really isn’t as much fun when you’re a friend and its not your family. In some cases its more fun to be chomping on shrimp at coctail hour like any other guest. YMMV.

Really, what Jodi said. Its not uncommon for people to decline these things. I think there’s still hope he’ll come as a guest.

18

You’re very lucky that, with as controlling she is, he’s made any attempt at all to continue the friendship. I had a friend from high school who ended up dating a girl who made every attempt possible to separate him from any friends she did not already know and like. Of course, this meant that I was shuffled out, and any time that I met up with him (and her, of course-- can’t leave him alone, especially not with, gasp!, another female!), I’d barely get to talk to him and she’d go out of her way to be a cold, unwelcoming bitch. She even played up this behavior in his mother’s home to his own mother, and she’s been cold and unmannered to my mother as well. After a few more futile attempts at contacting him, I’ve decided to write off the relationship as spoiled and not worth pursuing. It’s going to be a really tricky situation when my fiance and I start planning our wedding, as we’re going to invite his mom, but don’t really know what to do about him and his [sub]ugh[/sub] new fiancee. I might end up just giving his mom an “and guest” to let her make a decision on it; if she thinks it’d be too awkward to take just him, any of his cousins that I’ve met are pretty cool people. It’s all very awkward, as my family still has a good friendship with his mom and he’s more or less disappeared off the face of the planet because of the fiancee.

It’s really your choice as to whether you want to feel like he’s cheating on her with you any time you socialize, as that’s more or less the choice that his girlfriend is giving you. It’s a tough situation to be in, especially since you care about your friend and want to maintain the relationship, but don’t want to put him into a tough position either.

19

I agree. You never know what’s going on with someone’s finances.

20

Agreed as well. If he says he can’t afford it, he might very well mean it. My own parents wanted me and my husband and my son to go to Disneyworld with them this summer, and I told them I couldn’t afford to go. They pressed and hounded for weeks, since my husband and I both have medium paying jobs, “couldn’t we give up one or two of the things we spend money on to do this FAMILY thing? Are we not important enough?” etc, etc.

Until I finally exploded on them and itemized all the things we’d already given up, to pay for X and Y bills that we hadn’t anticipated, in spreadsheet form, and told them the next time they wanted to make assumptions about our financial situation and what we could and couldn’t afford, that they might want to consider that perhaps they didn’t raise a liar. :stuck_out_tongue:

Now I can’t get rid of my mom trying to pay for things for us. :stuck_out_tongue: It’s awkward all around. :stuck_out_tongue:

If your friend says he can’t afford it, take him at his word. If it was me, I would probably write a letter letting him know that his presence would be a blessing, and offering to assist him in making that happen, if finances are an issue, but I wouldn’t push beyond that.