So, a few months back, a close friend of mine announced his engagement. They had been dating only a short while, but decided that it worked so well they wanted to get married. I was happy for him and he let me know that he wanted me to be one of his attendants, since most of his close friends are female. So, his attendants are turning out to be myself, a mutual close male friend, and a woman I barely know but whom he’s close friends with as well. The bride has, as I recall, three attendants as well.
I pretty much figured on some participation in the wedding, so I wasn’t totally shocked when he asked me to handle the bachelor’s party, along with our mutual male friend. He said it was because we were “the least socially conservative”. I said okay.
Well, it turns out to be that the bachelor party that we two are supposed to plan for him is in fact a combined bachelor/bachelorette party at their place for 25 people. We are supposed to purchase a full bar (‘something for everyone’, he says, not just a keg) and snacks, hire two strippers (one male, one female), hire his friends to do karaoke, arrange entertainment, and hire a babysitter (!) for this whole group. Most of this was revealed through email.
My first assumption was that they had some sort of budget in mind, but when we started asking questions, it was made pretty clear that we are supposed to pay for everything. This is from a man who has never bought me a gift in our entire 5+ year friendship (though he has received some from me).
What???
Also, none of the other attendants were asked to help financially or otherwise, because they either “can’t afford it” or won’t be there. When pressed, he gave us their emails and told us to approach them - people we’ve never met.
So, we’ve been trying to get him to come talk with us. I like his future bride very much, and we have a lot in common, but I barely know her and I know the groom well enough to know that our conversation about what is acceptable to demand your friends to do does not include a lavish gala with strippers and booze for 25 is going to require me to be extremely blunt. He does not understand hinting or being subtle. You have to hammer him over the head with stuff. It’s fine normally but doing that with another person present, who has been a part of this planning, is a recipe for disaster.
Cementing the problem is that he lives out of town. Now, he drives through our town every weekend to meet with his fiancee, but he’s “too busy” to stop. Today, I called and asked if he could stop by for just a few minutes, but he said he was driving back tomorrow. Okay, I said, could we meet with you mid-week? Sure, but he’ll have to check with his fiancee for when she’s available that day.
Er, no, I said, we’d like to meet with you privately. He gets all weird and confused, and blurts, “Well, I don’t know when I’d be able to do that.”
I’m starting getting a bit upset with him so I said, “Fine, I’ll have (mutual male friend) call you since my schedule is pretty clear.” I really tried to avoid showing being upset at all, but apparently that didn’t work. I try to call mutual male friend, so does he, for whatever reason. Then when I’m talking to our mutual friend, he starts calling me repeatedly. Oy.
Finally, after a flurry of phone calls between the three of us, it gets back to me that my mutual friend called him and he’s all pissed off that I’m upset with him for no reason. Great. My attempts to make this go as peaceably as possible failed. We’re still trying to figure out when we can meet with him, but he’s angry that he has to take time away from his fiancee. My mutual friend and I agree that if necessary we will drive to see him during the week, 90 minutes each way, just to get this worked out.
I keep rehearsing this in my head, but, I don’t know how there is a nice way to say what I want to say. I’m angry that he’s forced me into this position, but I really don’t want to do anything that will jeopardize the friendship unless absolutely necessary. Giving in to his demands is not going to happen, however.
What complicates matters is that I’m sure from his end he doesn’t know the problem. He’s a bit socially inept in some ways, and he’s never thrown a party, so I’m sure he doesn’t understand that I’d have to heavily raid my savings to meet all of the original demands. Even sans strippers, I think it’s completely excessive, especially since I have to fund my own outfit and shoes for this thing, take time off work for both this party and the rehearsal (which is during business hours!! because they’re both teachers and are off work).
What I think would be fair would be to take the two of them out, and have a good time. Her attendants are coming in from out of town or whatever so I’ll extend the responsibility for him to her as well, especially as a matter of goodwill, but the rest of their friends can pay for their own drinks. Alternately, I’d be happy to do like a keg and some food and arrange some gaming and whatnot, or, people can bring their own alcohol. I know this isn’t what they dreamed of, but yeesh.
Oh, one last thing - his fiancee alone makes five times as much as I do. He just got a new, higher-paying job as well. I don’t mean to seem cheap, but I threw a very modest party for about the same size – and I already had 100% of the wine and 90% of the liquor involved - and it still cost us almost $400 to throw. Doing what they’re asking, even without strippers, will probably be (based on my estimates) in the $1000 - $1200 range without the karaoke and hiring a sitter. That’s just for food, booze, supplies and whatnot. I’m trying to save for a house!
Before you say so… I know everyone just says “tell them to go screw”, but it’s not easy to do that to a long-time friend. While I emotionally just want to hand in my attendant badge and bow out entirely, it’s just not an option.
