It’s getting that point in my life where I’ve been asked to be a groomsmen to several weddings, and as such am required to rent* and pay for a tuxedo to the wedding party’s specifications. I realize that this is standard operating procedure in America.
But I’m starting to think this tacky. It seems to me that if you’re telling me what to wear and I have have to go out and buy/rent it, then you better pay for it, otherwise I should be able to wear whatever I want.
*And don’t even get me started on how I’m throwing away good money on a ill-fitting rental when I have a much better tux in my closet.
Tacky is, I suppose, in the eye of the beholder, but 90% or more of weddings I do involve the bridal party purchasing their own dresses or renting their own tuxes (if tuxes are requested). Exorbitant costs from bridal party wear is a very common complaint of bridesmaids (and less often, from groomsmen, presumably because groomsmen are not usually required to purchase new shoes and jewelry and have their hair and makeup styled accordingly, as is often the case with bridal parties, on their own dime). As a rule, brides should strive to make the costs for their bridal party manageable, as this is a sensible and courteous thing to do. However, there is no obligation for anyone to be a member of a bridal party. If you feel the cost of the dress/tux and other assorted festivities is out of reach or undesirable in some way, the correct thing to do is decline the request. Nobody cares about the bridal party at a wedding, to be honest.
I wouldn’t call something “tacky” if it’s standard operating procedure. What’s tacky is when you ask your wedding party to pay exorbitant amounts of money. I agree with apollonia that brides and grooms should do everything in their power to keep costs down and be sensitive to how much their wedding party is spending.
I let my bridesmaids choose their own dresses; the only requirement was that they be black. I made no demands when it came to hair and makeup, only an invitation to have it done professionally if they chose. They were able to wear the dresses again and everyone was happy.
It’s common practice in the US, to the point that if you agree to be a groomsmen then you should assume you’ll be asked to pay to cover the tux rental. The only exception would be if the groom says when asked “And don’t worry about tuxes, we’re skipping that/I’ll cover the bill”.
I personally don’t like this tradition, and we didn’t follow it when we got married. But when I’ve agreed to be a bridesmaid I assume I’ll be putting out up to $200 for a dress, at least another $100 for other stuff. In my corner of Chicago that cost can get much, much higher fast. If I wasn’t up for it then I’d say no thanks, politely.
Even though I did this when I got married at age 24 (groomsmen got off easy as they wore Mohawk attire made by a family member), and even though it is the custom, I no longer approve of this practice.
I would never do it in the very unlikely event I ever have another wedding and I would advise my children against doing it (as I have only sons, I expect my advice will go unheeded).
Weddings with clothing costs for the wedding party impose a great price on people who are often young and can least afford it and feel like to say no would be to reject their friend. Usually wedding party members have travel and lodging costs as well as gift expectations (often several different gifts expected for several different events for the girls).
It does seem a little odd, but in reality - I don’t think anyone would bat an eyelash at having to pay for own lodging, parking, whatever. Of course some weddings that isn’t an issue.
Requiring a standard of dress is not tacky. If you invite someone to a white tie party, they can either wear their own dress clothes they invested in, rent clothes for the occasion, or decide not to go. Requiring a specific tux rental or dress choice and expecting someone else to pay for it is tacky.
It’s like having a cash bar at the reception or selling tickets to the buffet. It’s your party; you should pay for it.
I also accept that it’s very common, and there are many other common practices surrounding weddings (like mentioning the registry in the invitation) that are also tacky. I grin and bear it.
But you’d expect to be able to pick your own lodging if that were the case, right?
I’ve only been to one wedding and had the same situation as described by the OP. Yeah it bothered me a bit, but wasn’t worth bringing up. Actually what bothered me more was that the whole thing was quite expensive for me and the couple getting married were quite smug about how, with their parents paying for x and y and the income from the drinks, their net loss was zero.
Yeah, many times you really can’t decline to be in a wedding party without seriously hurting feelings and making things very awkward. I didn’t ever want to be in anyone’s wedding but I felt I had no choice with my sister. Fancy, tediously-choreographed weddings and the numerous other wedding-related activities have nothing that I enjoy though (okay, I enjoy cake). It is way too much energy/time/money to put into one day. One day where you might happen to wake up with the flu or something, and then what???
I wouldn’t mind so much if you were just told to pick out a dress in a certain color or color family, but when they tell you exactly what you have to pay for down to the smallest detail…how is that enjoyable to anyone? And how can the bride and groom enjoy it all so much, knowing how much they’re putting everyone out?
I think in general the OP is only talking about the wedding party - say five men and women. Usually people seem to want the wedding party to match. There is no way to do this without renting (for guys) - unless everyone buys their own tuxedo. I’ve never been to a wedding (that I recall) where the wedding party (guys again - not 100% sure I remember the women) weren’t matching (groom different sometimes). I’ve been to weddings without groomsmen - but really what is the point to having groomsmen if they aren’t going to be matched. It’s all pomp and circumstance anyway.
I don’t get invited to many dinner parties with attire requests, but I don’t think they usually require matching outfits. Nor have I ever been to a wedding where tuxes were required of anyone, but groomsmen. I think this is strictly a wedding party thing - not a wedding guest thing. I don’t think most guys own tuxes. I have custom made shirts, very nice shoes, very nice watches, but have never found it necessary to own a tux.
Yes - more or less - unless it was at a resort or something. I’ve been pretty lucky - when I was younger - and couldn’t afford it - I needed to be in wedding party a and they one some contest and all tuxedos were paid for. I am 95% sure that they would have gladly paid for mine (and would have offered to) - as they knew I couldn’t afford it. Come to think of it - what contest they won I was never told…
I don’t think it is tacky per se, but pretty thoughtless to not offer to help out those less fortunate than you. In some cases the groom & bride can’t afford it either - which is part of the problem. I don’t think most sane people expect everyone to come to inconvenient weddings, but have heard enough stories to realize my friends are apparently saner than most.
IIRC an identically dressed wedding party is a recent invention. Time any man of a certain social class would have his own set of morning dress, which he would wear to weddings as a matter of course. So the groom & his men would all be formally dressed, but there’d be minor variations between them. Of course there’s also an even older tradition (Ancient Rome?) whereby the entire wedding party (bride & groom included) dresses identically to confuse evil spirits.
I had two of the bridesmaids with me and we were walking around Woodfield Mall shortly after prom season. We noticed the same pen dress marked down in two different stores. I had three bridesmaids and there were three dresses in the correct sizes. I just bought all three and I think the bridesmaids gave me $8 each, or something like that. It was 1972, so prices were different of course, but we were all happy with it. I can’t imagine spending a couple hundred dollars on a dress for one day, because its very rare that anyone can wear it again for any reason except Halloween.
For my wedding, I simply said “Business casual”. “But what if my jacket and my pants don’t match?” one guy asked. “It’s fine, come in whatever you want as long as it looks nice.” was my reply.
We also didn’t have any parties prior to the wedding.
The reception was an outdoor barbeque.
Everyone said we had the most stress-free, happiest wedding they’d ever been to or participated in. Feels good man. I recommend a more laid-back style than the average “perfect” wedding seen in advertisements.
I think that it’s self-centered to make other people wear things that don’t suit them or force them to buy clothing. And of course, they usually feel like they can’t say how much they dislike something because you are the bride/groom and it’s your party. I mean, I felt bad enough for the people who had to travel to my wedding and pay for lodging.
I have a hard time considering something that’s common practice to be particularly rude. The closest thing to a complaint I heard came from my sister, who was a bridesmaid at my wedding, who asked “Is one of the bridesmaids pregnant or fat?” I had to answer in the affirmative about the pregnancy. I’ve been a groomsman at one wedding and I certainly didn’t feel put out by having to rent my own tuxedo. Hell, I even had to pay for my own hotel room and traveling expenses to get there.
I was very fortunate that the weddings I’ve been in were all back in the late 70’s and early 80’s and it was common for at least the bridesmaid gowns if not the wedding dress to be handmade. I know I bought all the fabric for my maid’s dresses, and they sewed them themselves, though I ended up completely making one and hemming a second, along with making my gown for $50 and making my mom’s dress. The next two weddings I was in we also sewed our own dresses…those definitely landed in the dress-up box for the kids due to their colors and styles and I know the fabric for both was under $30 each. Last wedding I was in she bought us all peach blouses and we bought a specific lightweight black wool that we could make any style long skirt out of. I wore my skirt for years as my dressy Christmas outfit. So by the time my daughter’s wedding rolled around, the inexpensive bridesmaid gown was a firm tradition. My daughter just asked each girl to wear black, and I think they all wore things they already owned.
