In 1949 my parents shocked a bunch of my fathers side guests … he wore his dress uniform, and since many of the rest of the wedding party were dirt farmers , military and students, the side party wore a mix of suits and dress uniforms, and my mother and the rest of her bridesmaids made the brides maids dresses [though my grandmother’s dressmaker made my mothers wedding dress]
<my father’s side of the family were mill owners and robber barons of assorted types of industry>
One of my brother’s groomsmen owned his double breasted tux. Which meant the rest of us had to rent double breasted tuxes. Except my brother, who wore his dress blues. The advice I’d give someone doing the wedding party circuit is rent the tux, BUT take the time to buy a COMFORTABLE pair of dress shoes. Too often, renting the shoes is an afterthought after you’ve gone through the tux rental ordeal and the renter just wants to get a pair of the damned shoes and out of there, so they’re not that concerned about the fit.
Chances are one’s feet will swell by the end of the festivities.
I think this is probably the best answer - yes, bridal parties are expected to pay, but bride and groom should be considerate, and no, no one is required to be a member of a bridal party.
Yeah, there is that, too. I was my younger sister’s matron-of-honour, and it was a tremendous pain in my ass since we are very different in our outlooks on life (I like simple, she likes everything to be as big a production as possible). Still, you don’t have to be in wedding parties. There just might be…consequences. 
ETA: Forgot to answer the OP question - no, it isn’t tacky, but being totally clueless about the imposition you’re putting on your bridal party is not a good thing.
It was more important to me not to hurt my sister’s feelings really bad about something that, regardless of *my *feelings about it, was really important to her…but that still leaves a lot of room for me to really really not want to do it. I just wanted even less to hurt her feelings.
If it weren’t for these crazy cultural pressures to put on a grand show and have everything perfect and feel like a princess and all that silliness, people like me wouldn’t have to make the choice between hurting a loved one or spending a ton of money and time on something we aren’t at all interested in.
To me, the idea that people of diverse socio-economic status be expected to wear coordinating formal wear at their own expense is a little off-putting. If it’s important for your bff Suzie to be in your wedding party, then she shouldn’t be put out in order to buy the right clothing for your one-day-only event.
I’m not certain what you mean here. What was shocking?
Cost for guests aside, I do think having everything be too matchy-matchy is kind of bourgeois. I think that over all, having everything “go” instead of “match” is more classy.
Matchy-matchy bridesmaids are falling out of favour. Now it is much more popular to have the bridesmaids coordinate–either by dressing in the same shade but different styles of dress, the same dress but different and coordinating colours, or some combination of both.
I have been a bridesmaid a grand total of 6 times. I’ve worn the huge butt bow (with pleasure, because it was for a very dear friend and at least the color of the dress was smashing), had one friend decide on a completely reasonable dress right out of a normal catalog that was unfortunately in peach, and mostly enjoyed being part of a hugely important ritual for someone close to me who was giving me the honor of showing all of her family and friends that I occupied a notable place in her life. The most expensive bridesmaid’s dress I ever wore was $175, more than 20 years ago, which the bride’s father paid for. A good thing, too, because there was absolutely no way I could afford that at that stage in life. Hellfire, I would balk at that now, particularly for a one-occasion outfit. Gah, that dress was a monstrosity – teal, full length, with the bodice covered with white crochet. The bride was a pain, too, and was so insufferable in the entire time leading up to the wedding that our friendship shattered and we weren’t even in contact with one another when they divorced a year later.
Anyway. The point is that the bride and groom should be very, very respectful of their friends’ finances and not spend their money carelessly.
Yes, it’s tacky. Big time, but no one seems to care.
I did my wedding in a “grand style” but I paid for the wedding party’s clothes. And the rest of it myself, for that matter (with no shower or registry, BTW - I honestly wanted to throw a party for my friends and loved ones, with only their presence as a gift).
I had the dubious honor of being in my cousin’s wedding last year, and after the dress and shoes and bachelorette party and making soaps as shower favors, plus a gift, I was out well over $500
I’m in another one for another cousin this fall, and so far I’m out $200 for the dress, and I still need shoes and alterations, and then they’ll be the gift and I’m sure I’ll be making something for the shower, etc. So that’s another $500 to cough up.
Both weddings are being paid for by the parents of the bride. And they’re completely rude and out of control.
Yes, it’s tacky. And the fact that a lot of people do it doesn’t make it any less tacky.
My bridesmaids wore whatever they wanted. Neither of them bought a new dress; they just wore their favourite dresses, which had nothing in common with each other or with mine. They both looked great. Telling grown-ass women what to wear when I wasn’t paying them Equity minimum would’ve felt bizarre, but if I’d decided to do it, damn right I’d have paid for the costumes.
If you’re a member of the bridal party, then it seems like the person’s wedding would be important enough for you to spent a few hundred bucks on it. I realize not everyone has this kind of money, and I think the bride and groom should be considerate of that. But I think anyone agreeing to be in someone’s wedding party should make that agreement understanding that there is a financial commitment involved.
We had a huge wedding party relative to the size of our wedding, IIRC we had four bridesmaids. What I did was choose a color at David’s Bridal, and then just had the bridesmaids pick out anything in that color. There was a huge selection of different dresses in that color. So they could spend a little or a lot depending on their means and desires. I told each of them privately that if expense was an issue, we would pay for their dress, but none of them took us up on the offer. Everybody seemed happy with that arrangement.
I agreed to be somebody’s bridesmaid and I’m getting a little nervous about what she’s going to try to stick me in. So I can understand it from the wedding party’s point of view, too.
I’m surprised so many men have had to rent tuxes. I’m of the age where I’ve been to a slew of weddings over the last few years, and I think almost all of them just had the groomsmen wear dark suits with matching ties (with the ties usually being provided by the groom, at least in the cases where I was a groomsman).
Bridal parties, on the other hand, seem to divide about equally between those that convinced everyone to get matching dresses and those that just had everyone show up in different dresses in the same general color scheme. I agree that the latter is a better system, both because it doesn’t put as much of a financial obligation on the ladies, and because I always feel bad for the one inevitable fat bridesmaid who ends up having to try and strap herself into a dress style that was obviously chosen with the body types of her thinner friends in mind.
The last wedding I went to (2011), the groomsmen wore matching light grey suits and ties, and the bridesmaids wore matching strapless navy blue cocktail dresses. It was very classy. All purchased by the participants, but completely reusable after the wedding (unless you are some sort of farmer who never dresses up).
My intended bought a new tux for our upcoming wedding. 19 days, holy cow. OMG, holy cow!!!
Anyhow, we are paying for the tux rental and we paid for my attendant’s dresses. I put them in pretty dresses, but feel that its not right to ask people to be dress up dolls without paying for it. My attendants all live out of state, so we are paying for their plane tickets and motel rooms.
Everyone else is on their own.
The problem is that it doesn’t end with the dress: weddings make people pretty numb to prices, and they don’t see how it adds up for other people. It’s the $200 for the dress and shoes, and then you’re out $100 for your share of the hen night, and $100 for the gifts (shower gift, bridesmaid’s gift, wedding gift), and $100 for hair/makeup/jewelry, etc. etc. And god help you if you have to travel: you simply cannot be a cheap traveler if you are going as part of the wedding party. You have to get there a day earlier, at least. You have to stay at the wedding hotel (where you might get a group rate on a nice room, but it’s still a lot more than you would have paid for the Motel 6), you have to eat every single meal out, and since it’s a celebration, all of them are “arranged”: you can’t eat cold cereal in your room for breakfast to save money without being a spoilsport. The party goes together. Nor is the food ever cheap: every single meal is some kind of sit-down. And the drinking: the night or two nights before and the night of, there is tremendous pressure to end up in a nice bar, and that’s another $50 before you are done.
Frankly, if someone ends up spending a couple hundred to be part of a wedding party they got off cheap.
I’m thinking that if a wedding is going to entail all of this, then the least the bride and groom could do is pitch in for the costumes. If that’s too burdensome, then they have no business putting on a big production.
But if the wedding is a small, inexpensive affair with no extracurricular events, then I don’t think it’s necessarily the worse thing in the world. I wouldn’t do it (I’m more of the “dress however you want” type), but I don’t think I’d call it tacky.
Where I live, if you have an open bar, and a drunk driver kills someone, you get sued.
If it’s a cash bar, the catering company gets sued.
If you have a lot of drunkards in the family, a cash bar is far safer, legally and financially.
Personally I don’t think its tacky, but my friends and family are both responsible and generous. So the idea of having to spend money on an outfit is not a big deal. My wedding was big and we had seven bridesmaids and seven groomsmen, all of which had over a year to scrape up the money for their dresses/suit rental. On my end, I tried to make sure the suits were reasonable (picking the least expensive style for the groomsmen) and let them know well in advance in order to make sure that everyone was able to afford it and everyone got fitted and got their rental tuxes without a hitch.
If it is someone you care about who, on your own wedding, was willing to deal with the time and expense of getting their suit/dress, it stands to reason that it shouldn’t be a big deal to return the favor. People act like they are the victims of extortion for being in the wedding party, but if you really don’t want to deal with the drama, then politely opt out of being in the wedding party.
What you’re describing is radically different than the sort of wedding I had. It was local, there was no bachelorette party, and rehearsal dinner was a cookout courtesy of my father-in-law. It was pretty low key. It is a lot pricier if you have to travel. But again, that’s part of the commitment. If you can’t afford it, let them know you can’t afford it, and if they really want you there, they will pick up the tab. I mean, I don’t know what else the bride and groom can expect. If you’re going to throw a party that big, you should be mindful of how it increases the costs for everyone involved. If their affair is so expensive that it breaks the bank of everyone in the wedding party, then frankly they shouldn’t be upset when someone turns them down.
Exactly.