How much is normal to spend on going to someone else's wedding?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ll preface this by saying that I was a bridesmaid and being a part of the wedding party is obviously going to cost more than the average guest. Also, some of the things I bought it was my choice to spend that much. I just want to hear other peoples experiences with attending weddings, especially if you were in the wedding party.

This was the first time I have been a bridesmaid other than my older sisters and I was 16 and my mom and dad paid for everything for me obviously. Also, I live in San Francisco which is the land of jeans and t-shirts. I simply did not have the required attire for this VERY formal wedding

Heres the rundown:

plane ticket from san francisco to southeastern city and back: 300 dollars (miraculous)
bridesmaid dress: 315
dress for rehearsal dinner: 130 (on sale)
shoes: 90
updo for wedding: 40
special bra and seamless panties required for bridesmaid dress: 75
A few things from banana republic to wear to engagement party/bridesmaid luncheon/random brunch day after wedding: 350
bridal shower gift (set of martini glasses and accompanying tray): 100
wedding present (set of waterford crystal candlesticks): 300
estimated total on cab rides taken while being extremely intoxicated: 60

I’m not going to add that up. Anyways, I know people who post to this board have a wide range of assets so I guess you can scale it however you’d like but for those of you who have been through that “wedding rush” phase in your 20s…is this how it goes? How much money do you think people spent on coming to your wedding? I know I didn’t have to spend so much on certain things but I love these people and wanted to. I just need to know if this is happening everywhere because I feel like i would have heard more complaints about how expensive it is to be in someones wedding.

Let me know bc this is just the beginning and I might need to take out a loan.

2

It’s not about how much you spend, but whether or not you can afford to spend it. If this came out of your fun money, sure why not? If you’re putting it all on your credit card and going la la la, I don’t even want to know how much that all cost, that’s a problem. I have a preset limit on how much I’ll spend for a given event, and if I’m going to go over by a significant amount, I decline.

I had my wedding summer a few years ago. I bought one dress (never a bridesmaid, thank Og), and wore it to every wedding. Nobody’s looking at the guests anyway. Of course, there was virtually no overlap in guest lists, either. I couldn’t afford the destination weddings and bridal showers, so I declined those and sent cards and gifts as appropriate. I generally buy the wedding present first, and work backwards from there as to how much I can afford to spend on travel, outfit, etc. Works for me, and I don’t faint when I get my credit card statement after the wedding.

3

Wow.

Um. Wow. I really really hope that nobody spends even close to that much to attend our wedding. It’s not going to be particularly fancy or formal, and we actually chose the location based on ease or lack of travel for the majority of the guests (not including us, we live in Denver and it’s going to be in Northern California). I wouldn’t expect anyone who’s paying for flights and hotels and such to have any money left over for a gift, but then again we don’t have a lot of wealthy out of town guests.

I read a couple of wedding-related message boards these days and while your example seems a little on the extreme side, it’s not far off from a lot of things I’ve read about bridesmaids feeling obligated to pay vast sums of money for dresses they’ll only wear once, tickets to weekend-long wedding-related debauchery, etc. So you’re not the only one, I guess. It depends on the kind of wedding, who’s throwing it, and what the bride/groom expect out of the wedding party. If you can’t afford all those things in order to attend upcoming weddings, decline the things you can’t afford - nobody can make you be in their bridal party, for example. If you can afford the things you listed (and, presumably, the things you didn’t, like vacation time), by all means spend it. It’s your money!

($400 for shower and wedding presents?!? :eek: )

4

Why do you need a dress for a rehearsal dinner? I’d always assumed those things were, well a rehearsal. Of course, I never had one (being as I had a wedding list of 13) but having to buy a dress for a rehearsal anything sounds like an unreasonable expectation.

5

Missed the Edit window. Sorry, I realised after posting that you meant that *you *decided to buy a dress for the rehearsal dinner, and not that the *bride *expected it. That changes things. Forget I implied any negativity, please. I’ve always felt that money is for spending on whatever makes a person happy, and it sounds like you’re fully enjoying the experience, so go for it. :slight_smile:

As for experiences with associated costs in weddings…well, to be honest, I really don’t get the hype surrounding weddings. My own was small, with only immediate family and closest friends, and I told everyone to wear whatever they wanted, including our Best Man & Matron of Honour. Everyone found something nice currently in their wardrobe - well, except for both mothers, who of course had to go out and buy something so they could compete with each other. :rolleyes: But mothers are like that.

Also, since we’d specifically asked not to receive presents - we’d been living together for about 3 years by that point, and I’ve always felt that wedding gifts are aimed at helping people start out in life - that didn’t cost anyone anything either. My best friend/Matron of Honour did my makeup on the day for me, and also bought me a beautiful arrangement of gerberas for wedding flowers. That was all the expense involved for our guests.

The only other wedding I’ve ever been involved in was for my closest friend, and since she got married at 19 none of her friends - including me - had any money, so gifts were necessarily cheap. As it was, I had to lay-by this whizz-bang fancy hairdryer she had her heart set on…and I think it only cost about $55. But that was a lot of money for me at the time. Hire of bridesmaid’s dress would have cost $75, but I asked her if I could avoid being in the wedding party (I’m terribly shy).

6

Why buy a dress for a rehearssal dinner? Th rehearsal dinner is less rehearsal and more dinner party. As a reward for showing up at the church and practicing processing, recessing, helping decorate the church, etc. one gets dinner, paid for by the Groom’s Parents.

The dinner part can be a fairly dressy occasion. Doesn’t have to be–but it’s not unheard of for people to invite, say, all the out of town guests on the groom’s side. Plus the Bride’s immediate family, the Bridesmaids, and significant others. Pick a nice restaurant, and suddenly buying a dress which shows “your” style (as opposed to the Bridesmaid’s dress which doesn’t) becomes reasonable. Especially if you don’t get a lot of chances to dress up. If one has a suitable wardrobe, one certainly doesn’t need a new dress for every rehearsal dinner.

But it depends on the restaurant, the Bride and Groom and their expectations and those of their guests. For my brother’s wedding, it was decided at the last minute that one did not need to wear panyhose to the rehearsal dinner, so long as one did not wear a short skirt. My dad had a new suit for the occassion, and did not get to(have to) wear the tie or the jacket. No big. He had a new suit because it had been twenty years since he’d gotten a new suit and this was a good excuse to make him get one which fit properly.

7

I was JUST talking to someone about this problem. I too am in the throws of that period of your life where everyone is making a ton of life choices all at the same time. I’ve had to be a little inventive with money. For a really close friend (I was close to both the bride and groom) another friend and I got creative and sort of MADE a gift. This really only works if you can come up with something really thoughtful and also useful. That bride is not one to lie and smile so when she said it was her favorite gift I believe her.

Another couple (both of whom I also knew well) I went in on a big gift with about 6 other people. That meant that the couple got one of their BIG PRICEY gifts that couples always think they wont get and also saved the whole bunch of us some dollars.

I have 6 weddings and counting this year (2 I have already attended, 4 to go) and I’m wearing the same dress to all of them but thats mostly because the crowds are slightly different. However, I got this dress on sale at Lord and Taylor so that helps.

I’ve done all this with zero credit card debt (got out of that at 21) and I don’t make much money in the first place yet live in a pricey city.

Whats the colloquialism? Need is the mother of invention? Yea, I’m like the freaking poster child for that one.

8

I was a bridesmaid once and it was very expensive, even back in the 70s. I try to follow the etiquette of giving a gift that is worth approximately what the cost of dinner would be (if I’m just a guest…and god, but I hate the whole concept). If I can’t afford it, I generally decline the invitation and just send a gift that I can afford.

Luckily, most of my friends either had quckie weddings or shacked up. I don’t have nearly the number of weddings under my belt as most people do. Phew! I imagine it adds up to many thousands of dollars over the years if you’re from a big family or have Wedding Extravaganza friends.

9

I’ve been to a ton of weddings, but only two really set me back financially.

My best friends’ wedding (my 2 best friends married eachother), which I was in, probably cost me about $800 for the bachelorette party, dress, makeup, gift and uhm…I dunno, whatever. Maybe even less. I was 19 and in college at the time.

This weekend I had my brother’s wedding. I wasn’t in the bridal party but I had to do a reading during the ceremony and got to do the toast at the reception. I decided that “cost wasn’t a factor” when I was getting ready for it, because next to my own wedding this will probably be one of the most happiest/exciting, memorable days of my life (it turned out to be exceptionally wonderful). I did pay more for this wedding than I have spent on any other wedding past or will in the future. But I knew it coming in.

Hair - $180 for highlights, up-do practice and real up-do (and tips)
Nails - $35 for fingers, had my mom do my toes for free
Dress - $80 for dress and a shawl to go over it. I only had one for the entire day (lots of women, including my mom, had one for day and evening)
Under-things - $80
Shoes - Free - wore what I had
Tanning - $80 for a month or so of tanning + tanning oil
Makeup - $180 (see below)
Jewelry - $30
Bachelorette Party - $70 for dinner and drinks
Bridal Shower Gift - $80
Wedding Gift - $50 (to cover my date’s meal - normally i’d give $50 for each of us but I was broke by then!)
Valet and bar tips - $10 (I didn’t drink much)

Note that on a normal day, I do not take very good care of my outward appearance. So tanning, hair, makeup, jewelry and nails all had to be purchased just for this wedding. It took a lot of money to get me looking good. But I felt I had to look extra special good because I was going to be in a ton of pictures.

Normally for any other wedding i’d spend…
Dress - $80 (if I didn’t already have one to wear)
Shoes - $25 (if I didn’t already have some to wear)
Under-things - $30 at most, but I think now I’m set on under-things
Shower Gift - $25-50
Wedding Gift - $50 cash or $100 cash if I bring a date
Nails, makeup, hair, tanning, jewelry - None. I make do with what I have.
Travel - Whatever it takes. I’ve only traveled twice to a wedding, both by car.

10

As I think others have said, there’s no normal amount to spend on a wedding. I’ve known people to spend thousands of dollars traveling around the world to attend a wedding. If you’re comfortable spending as much as you did, that’s not a problem. But I don’t think it was necessary for you to get them any wedding gift when you were already flying in, especially not a $300 wedding gift.

11

I’ll join the others in saying it depends on your culture, your social class, your resources, and the wedding. In certain circles – yours, apparently, and I’m not being snarky – it would be unremarkable to drop $300 on a wedding gift. And I know there are other cultures where the wedding is so important the family will virtually bankrupt itself to have a lavish one – and the guests are expected to pony up accordingly. But I grew up in Montana and no one, no matter how wealthy the family (no one native to MT, that is) would expect a wedding gift of that value from any guest, except maybe very close family (like parents or a rich uncle).

So here’s my take on your outlay:

plane ticket from san francisco to southeastern city and back: 300 dollars (miraculous) Yeah, the plane ticket costs whatever it costs
bridesmaid dress: 315 Sounds reasonable
dress for rehearsal dinner: 130 (on sale) I wouldn’t buy new, and I don’t consider this a wedding expense
shoes: 90 High end of reasonable
updo for wedding: 40 Reasonable, but a PITA – my set wouldn’t require you to get your hair done special
special bra and seamless panties required for bridesmaid dress: 75 Complete BS – the dress shouldn’t require new, special undies
A few things from banana republic to wear to engagement party/bridesmaid luncheon/random brunch day after wedding: 350 Not a wedding expense
bridal shower gift (set of martini glasses and accompanying tray): 100 Too much for a bridal shower gift among my set, I’d probably spend $50
wedding present (set of waterford crystal candlesticks): 300 Too much for a wedding gift among my set, I’d probably spend $100
estimated total on cab rides taken while being extremely intoxicated: 60 Not a wedding expense

12

I agree with Jodi, and will additionally say that its perfectly ok for a bridesmaid or anyone who travels to say “my attendance is your gift.” You don’t need a shower gift and wedding presents if you are in the wedding - or if you choose to, a token gift is plenty. Particularly since most of the time bridesmaids are fairly young and don’t have a lot of extra cash.

Our wedding gift maximum is a few hundred dollars - based on your relationship with us - and shower gifts are “a cookie pan.” I see no reason to try and judge what the cost of the wedding may be and cover at least my own “plate” - if you choose to feed me a $100 a plate dinner - that’s up to you. If you have a cake a punch reception where Mom made the cake, you get the same gift as if you have a country club, open bar, dinner reception.

13

I was just matron-of-honour for my last single sister’s wedding (you might remember it from threads like, “I’m going to kill my sister at some point before HER BIG DAY!”), and I have decided at this point in my life that I will never be in a bridal party again. I will attend weddings, wearing a nice (but inexpensive) dress, and bringing a nice gift from their registry, but I will not put out that kind of emotional and financial outlay again. I didn’t even have it the worst; our older sister was in the bridal party with her two daughters also in the bridal party - she was well over $1000 in dresses and shoes alone. I’m getting really down on big, fat, expensive weddings.

Oh yeah, the OP - what you’re spending is a little more than average, I’d say, but not excessively so (but that’s because the average is way too high, in my opinion. It’s just a freaking party, dammit!)

14

Missed edit window - There are some expectations that come with weddings that aren’t the bride’s, but you sort of have to do them to not look like a Cheap Charlie, or to go along with what everyone else is doing and where they are going. You could wear your favourite old dress to the rehearsal dinner, but if you know everyone else is going to show up in brand new finery, chances are you will feel societal pressure to do the same. I know we’re a bunch of iconoclasts here on the Dope, but that pressure does exist.

15

I’ll add some more information I was embarrassed to release at first. I come from a real diamonds and pearls debutante society. I’ve obviously since moved out of that. I should also say that there were seven (7) SEVEN cocktail attire events surrounding this wedding and I actually was the only one who didn’t buy a brand new dress for each of the events.

Money isn’t really an issue for me due to an inheritance, but that also doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt my feelings to have to part with it especially for something like this where believe me…I was expected to. This was the most outrageously wedding you can imagine. I felt like I was at Jessica Simpson’s wedding or something. I guess more than anything I’m shocked that this goes on and the real nonchalant way I was expected to spend and be perfectly groomed for each event.

I would have gotten my ASS KICKED if I had made my gift my presence. But I’m glad to hear that you guys believe that cross country travelers should be allowed to do that. I was under-dressed at the rehearsal dinner which sucked and I was the only bridesmaid to not have professionally done makeup which was mentioned to me by the maid of honor who sat me down in the church dressing room and had to “fix my face” for me. I also didn’t get a mani/pedi because I have always hated strangers touching my hands and feet. That wasn’t brought up because I was obviously a lost cause to these people at that point.

Its over now and I spent the money I was comfortable with but it was only a fraction of what some of the other girls spent who don’t have as much financial liberty as I do. I guess I’ve learned that when I get married, I will make sure that none of my guests feel this put out. They can show up in clown costumes for all I care. I am OVER extravagant weddings. I just wanted to post all of that here to see if I got some empathy regarding INSANE weddings.

16

I’m trying hard to imagine what my reaction would be to someone who wanted to “fix my face” for me because they thought my makeup was unacceptable. It would not be pleasant, that’s for sure. I’m always amazed at people who think having things their own way justifies being rude – it doesn’t. IMO, this is just more proof that money does not buy class.

Well, surely there’s a middle ground between “you have to buy a whole new wardrobe” and going as Ronald McDonald. :slight_smile: I don’t think reasonable expectations are out of order, but what consistutes “reasonable” depends on the circumstances. Rudeness – like noticing whether someone’s clothes are new, or whether they had their makeup professionally done or not – is always gauche.

17

I, personally, would not use “my presence is your present” under any circumstances which I can think of offhand. It’s a valid viewpoint, but giving presents at a wedding isn’t just about balancing the money spent by the Newlyweds and family. It’s also about giving something to help the couple get started, to show that you care, etc. I wouldn’t spend big bucks on a present–and I’ve frequently given something that cost under $50 but was obviously handcrafted.

But, if I were a bride who was going to get pissed if someone didn’t have professionally done make-up in the wedding party–I’d hire the make-up artist to make up my whole wedding party. Make it part of the experience. Not that that’s likely–If I get married I’ll probably have at most a couple of bridesmaids–and if they opt to not wear make-up, it’s ok I knew it when I asked them.

18

I have a good friend who comes from a similar social/class background as you’ve described, also from the south (though she lives here in Denver) and she generally goes to 4-6 weddings per year, all of which she’s expected to have new clothes for, spend at least three days doing wedding-related activities, and give extravagant presents to the couple - even if she’s only a guest. She told me recently that the last really big shindig she attended (which was a three-day extravaganza somewhere in Arizona last fall) set her back nearly $3K, and she wasn’t a bridesmaid for that one. While she might come from that class/social background, she’s in business school so living off loans, and she said she’s going to be paying THAT wedding off for another year or so. She’s standing up for a (male) friend in a local wedding this fall and she recently expressed relief that she gets to wear a black dress that she’ll be able to wear again and isn’t expected to fly across the country. I would guesstimate she spends between 5 and 10K a year on wedding-related expenses. and the weddings she goes to are probably 75-200K affairs. To me, that sounds completely insane, but to her it’s normal since that’s what everyone in her family’s social circle does. I can’t even imagine.

19

The best part is that this girl has an identical twin sister i’m going to have to do this again for whenever she decides to get hitched. Although, I may have been such a disappointing bridesmaid I wont even be asked. Their poor father!

20

Right. That would require quite a bit of makeup, but at least the gloves and huge plastic shoes would negate the need for the mani/pedi.

For someone I wasn’t as close to, I would buy something in the $50 range from their registry, and for a close friend I would make them a quilt. At this point I might need to buy a skirt for the wedding. But that’s about it, and I’m glad most of the people I know are very low key.