Ditto. Sorry…you don’t get to demand what kind of party your friends throw for you. This guy is clueless. Beat him with a clue stick.
As someone who is planning their own wedding, I can’t fathom why people have such high expectations of their friends and family to pay for such extravagance. Weddings should be more about the celebration of the people getting married, not a sumptuous fashion show with oodles of flowers and little tacky touches and matchy matchy crap everywhere. Nobody will remember what your colors were or that the tablecloths were encrusted with moissanite; they will, however, remember dealing with bad manners from the bride, groom, and bridal party.
Fluiddruid, have a chat with him and be abundantly clear that what he’s asking for is out of your budget. If he’s anywhere near reasonable and it can be explained to him that what he requested is in poor taste, he’ll come around and go along with a less lavish soiree.
Wow! Wedding drama is everywhere.
I was in a wedding for a college friend years ago. Two months before the wedding I was informed by the cousin of the bride (not the maid of honor) that there would be a bachelorette party at her house, so save the date.
Fine, I thought. Even though the cousin lived more than two hours away from me, and an hour away from the rest of the wedding party. I figured I could swing it, and appreciated the notice.
Then two weeks later I was informed by the cousin that I was to bring a covered dish for the potluck portion of the party. I wondered about the logistics of this, since I was going to be leaving straight from work. (also, who has a potluck bachelorette party?)
Then I was informed that the cousin had already purchased several hundreds of dollars worth of liquor to stock her bar for this party, and was given a dollar amount for my contribution to the liquor.
Then she mentioned all the party favors and games she had purchased, and how much they cost, and what my contribution should be.
The agenda, apparently, was to meet at her house, have a potluck dinner, get drunk, play party games (for a bachelorette party?), then take a LIMO out to go clubbing in the city nearby. A limo that the bridesmaids were to pay for. As well as covers to any clubs.
Then she called back all distraught because she couldn’t find a limo for less than $400, and was having a hard time finding an available one at all because it was the weekend of St. Patrick’s day in a rather Irish city.
Notice that at no point in this story did the cousin ASK if we were able to cover these expenses. Nor were anyone else’s input solicited before the money started flowing. And of all the bridesmaids, the cousin and I were the only ones who weren’t underemployed graduate students. Meaning that the bill per bridesmaid was going to exceed the monthly rent payments for the other two.
The whole thing turned into a major drama fest, with phone calls and e-mails flying every which way. It was ugly. Very ugly. Some twit got the bride and her mother involved, which amped up the anxiety as we didn’t want to stress them out so close to the wedding.
In the end, we met for dinner at a restaurant in the bride’s hometown and went out dancing at a local club and had a lovely time.
I decided in the midst of all of this that it had been revealed to me the insanity that is woman. No men would ever get this wound up over something so simple. Therefore, I declared myself an honorary man.
My best man and groomsmen threw me a bachelor’s party and other than requesting that we didn’t go to a strip club they pretty much planned the whole thing. We went to Dave & Buster’s, went home and played some Settler’s of Cataan, a stripper came over and danced for a while, and that was pretty much it. Easy, peasy, lemon squeazy.
Marc
Solfy: That’s what I can’t fathom: telling someone, “This decision I made is going to cost you X amount.” Someone I know is getting married soon, and almost the first thing she asked us was, “How high can you go for your bridesmaid’s gowns? And if it ends up going a little above that, I’ll make up the difference.” Informing someone that they owe you money…I bet she prefaced these announcements with “You’re gonna have to…” or “You’ll need to…”, didn’t she?
If I recall correctly, it was, “I bought X and it cost $XXX, so your portion of that is $XX. I’m going to get X, and I’ll let you know what your portion of that will be.”
There was no room to politely object. I put the brakes on by saying, “Um, I know I can do that, but have you checked with Person 3 and Person 4? I’m not sure they can afford that.” Of course she had not.
The concept of checking with others before spending their money was completely foreign. Never crossed her mind.
Good grief.
Thank you, everyone, for your input, experiences, and opinions.
As I mentioned upthread, he finally did agree to meet. While he was quite irritated (though he was polite, I just can tell because I know him) about having to see us separately and to change his plans for today, we did get some things straightened out. Our plans and budget are now understood and he’ll be getting us a guest list (which apparently includes people like my parents who’ll never show up, so it looks like it’ll be far less than 25) and will contact the rest of the party with a “here’s the deal, if you can contribute in funds or by bringing something, we’d appreciate it, here’s who to contact” coming from him instead of us directly.
All in all it could have gone better and it may still be a bone of contention but I think $100 or so per person is reasonable. I would have likely spent that much taking him out and getting him lap dances or whatever so it’s fine to convert that to a party. I’m still not sure if I’m going to get him a gift on top of that, or not, but I guess we’ll see.
What is $100 per person?! Who is paying $100 for how many people??
Having some planned bachelorette-and-bachelor party sounds like a terrible time to me. The guys are supposed to hang out with the guys (and/or the female “one of the guys” people) and do guy stuff, and the girls are supposed to hang out with the girls and do girl stuff. If you organize a party and have a guest list and include parents and people from out of town…that’s a rehearsal dinner and/or reception.
In my mind, wedding parties should be:
- Bachelor/Bachelorette party - separate off by sex and get your last kicks in
- Rehearsal dinner - thank the attendants with food and give the out-of-town guests something to do the night before.
- Wedding reception - celebrate because it’s finally over.
Sounds like by the time the reception comes around you’re going to be really bored of “let’s hang out with all the same people for three nights in a row and see how much money we can spend for the sake of the bride and groom.”
Gah.
I think you’re still being way too kind, but whatever.
What exactly do you get out of this friendship?
That pretty much sums up what I was going to both ask and say. It was bad enough that they were asking you to pay all the money yourself, but now are they going to hit up the guests for cash. Why not just sell tickets?
It bears repeating. “Gah.”
I like the Chinese/Vietnamese way of doing this:
Bachelor parties aren’t really traditional, but if it’s done, the groom pays. At the reception, it is expected that, instead of a gift (yet another toaster), the attendees give money (amount hidden in an envelope). The money is in the range of $100 for a single or $150-200 per couple (or it was five years ago when last I went to one). The happy couple gets a free party and the guests pay but get a kickarse night out with top shelf spirits and food, etc.
$100 per guest, or $100 per groomsman?
I’m glad you got to talk to him and worked out something more reasonable. Still not the best of solutions IMO, but far better than it was.
Even though it’s custom for the wedding party to pay for their own attire, I’m still not comfortable with the idea. For groomsmen to pay for tux rentals is a little rude, but not undoable for most guys. To demand that bridesmaids shell out hundreds for seriously ugly dresses that will never be worn again? That’s a custom that needs to change.
I thought you weren’t supposed to touch them?
Are the brides attendents going to chip in?
If it costs $1,500 and you divide that by 6 it’s not sooo bad.
Wait, are you fucking serious? The best man is on the hook for the bachelor party? Has this always been so? Does the best man also have to fork over for a wedding gift, or does the party traditionally count as the gift?
I had no idea, and I think this is ridiculous. I would tell my best man to plan the party, set a budget for him and pay for the damn party myself. I might be willing to accept financial help from him, but only if he agrees not to get us a wedding gift. Weird.
I want to … scream.
So, now the whole party is called off. The groom emailed me and said that the bride is all upset and that I should email her to apologize.
There is no smiley that conveys what I am looking for!
I feel for you. Irrational people seldom react in rational ways to rational requests.
Look on the bright side - maybe this will clue the groom in to the bride’s true nature before dissolving the union gets exponentially more expensive.
(I’m a little jaded - I’m watching two couples going through divorces who married the same year as I )
Apologize for what?
May I ask, what exactly does he say you did wrong that you need to apologize for?
I agree with Kayeby. Get out now. The drama will still be there, doesn’t mean you have to be a part of it.